MOM

If you can afford a PI, that would be a good next step. If not, think of trusted friends or family that you could trust to follow him discreetly, and NOT CONFRONT him even if they find something.

By far, the most likely explanation is ongoing C, so go ahead and let that assumption guide your actions into Plan A. You can't expose without proof, but you can do the "carrot" part of Plan A. If there's nothing going on, it will only be good for your M. If there is something, it will cause even more conflict with the A.

I know you feel rejected right now. Please consider this: if he is cheating still (which he almost certainly is), a refusal to have sex with you has pretty much nothing to do with you, and everything to do with an increased conflict within WH's mind.

See, the only way he can screw around with someone else, and come home and have SF with you, is to build a high partition in his mind. As long as that partition is there, he can think only of her when he's with her, and you when he's with you.

Like the bulkheads on the Titanic, this partition can't go all the way to the top. When something makes one life slop over and mix a bit with the other side, it causes nearly unbearable tension for the WS. Sometimes it can be a specific event, and sometimes it can be the early stages of disintegration of the A. But it gets harder and harder to keep the two lives separate, and that leads to a state of conflict.

Which is a good thing.

My guess is he is having so much trouble NOT thinking of you when he's with OW, that he's having to be very strict with himself to limit his interactions with you so he can maintain his protective bulkhead. Plan A will only make his job harder and harder, as it should.

Given enough time the bulkhead almost always crumbles on its own, and anything good you do in Plan A will help that crumbling process along.

I am Neak's mom. She is telling you to do a lot of the things she did during her husband's affair. These are not easy things to do, and there isn't any immediate payoff for most of it, so doing it can feel useless and bad. Don't question yourself if you think (or know) you didn't do something "right". Don't beat yourself up over a temporary glitch in your plan A. What you're doing is tough, and apparently interminable! And I'll tell you, straight up front, that I could never have done what she did for the sake of marriage recovery. I could barely watch what she did, being more of a clop-you-upside-the-head-right-NOW kind of person, myself. So allow yourself to be human, to make some mistakes, to feel frustrated, because what you're doing here is a towering challenge, and you are a special person for even making the attempt.

tl

...we were supposed to go to a moving party for a friend of his at work...

One of two things going on here:

- POSOW was going to be there
- someone else going to be there knows of his affair

NG,

That is exactly what I was afraid of! Do you think it would be a good idea to send a note to the friend's wife saying I was sorry we missed their party? I do not believe that he actyally told them we weren't coming. Would it possibly shake something loose, or, should I just let it go until I can get together the cash for the PI? That will take some time as he will notice larger sums of money missing? As it is he asks me what I bought whenever I get cash out of the bank.

I need tech help. I just had a thought that is very revealing. Maybe his computer is so damned squeaky clean because he isn't using his computer. My daughter and I both have laptops at home. I cannot believe it didn't occur to me that he may be using mine! i could have sworn I left it in the dining room yesterday, but this morning I found it in the family room. I have a password on it, but really, he knows me well. it probably wouldn't take too many tries to guess.

Is there a way to put the keylogger onto my computer too? Do I have to repurchase it to use it on another computer in the household. I certainly will if I have to. I am sorry about my total tech ignorance here. Any help would be appreciated.

BH,

Yes, I think he is trying to do so. Why on earth look on match though, if you couldn't contact those people? Can he just not stay away from looking? My PC has firefox and explorer. I don't know if he uses google chrome or not. Do you have to select it? Is there a way to use it so the keylogger wouldn't pick it up? I don't know anything about twitter, but aren't tweets public? How could people communicate that way if everyone else will see them?

This is so frustrating! He knows everything about technology and I know nothing.

Bits and Pieces