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MOM
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
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MOM Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmph! He has NO idea how lucky he is to still have his head sitting on his shoulders, and not on the floor between his feet! tl P.S. Where are you? I need somebody to do my braid.
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...we were supposed to go to a moving party for a friend of his at work...
One of two things going on here:
- POSOW was going to be there - someone else going to be there knows of his affair
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If you can afford a PI, that would be a good next step. If not, think of trusted friends or family that you could trust to follow him discreetly, and NOT CONFRONT him even if they find something.
By far, the most likely explanation is ongoing C, so go ahead and let that assumption guide your actions into Plan A. You can't expose without proof, but you can do the "carrot" part of Plan A. If there's nothing going on, it will only be good for your M. If there is something, it will cause even more conflict with the A.
I know you feel rejected right now. Please consider this: if he is cheating still (which he almost certainly is), a refusal to have sex with you has pretty much nothing to do with you, and everything to do with an increased conflict within WH's mind.
See, the only way he can screw around with someone else, and come home and have SF with you, is to build a high partition in his mind. As long as that partition is there, he can think only of her when he's with her, and you when he's with you.
Like the bulkheads on the Titanic, this partition can't go all the way to the top. When something makes one life slop over and mix a bit with the other side, it causes nearly unbearable tension for the WS. Sometimes it can be a specific event, and sometimes it can be the early stages of disintegration of the A. But it gets harder and harder to keep the two lives separate, and that leads to a state of conflict.
Which is a good thing.
My guess is he is having so much trouble NOT thinking of you when he's with OW, that he's having to be very strict with himself to limit his interactions with you so he can maintain his protective bulkhead. Plan A will only make his job harder and harder, as it should.
Given enough time the bulkhead almost always crumbles on its own, and anything good you do in Plan A will help that crumbling process along. Neak, Thanks. It is very difficult to try to keep doing plan A. I don't know how much longer I can. I guess I have to though. In some way then it's good I don't have proof yet...if I melt down now I'd just look crazy! I will try to stay strong and positive in my interactions.
Me:BW 45 Him:WH 48 4 Children: SS21 DD21 SS18 DD17 D-Day:Nov.18,2012
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I am Neak's mom. She is telling you to do a lot of the things she did during her husband's affair. These are not easy things to do, and there isn't any immediate payoff for most of it, so doing it can feel useless and bad. Don't question yourself if you think (or know) you didn't do something "right". Don't beat yourself up over a temporary glitch in your plan A. What you're doing is tough, and apparently interminable! And I'll tell you, straight up front, that I could never have done what she did for the sake of marriage recovery. I could barely watch what she did, being more of a clop-you-upside-the-head-right-NOW kind of person, myself. So allow yourself to be human, to make some mistakes, to feel frustrated, because what you're doing here is a towering challenge, and you are a special person for even making the attempt. tl Hi Neak's Mom! I have read her thread and she was very strong. I hope I can persevere.
Me:BW 45 Him:WH 48 4 Children: SS21 DD21 SS18 DD17 D-Day:Nov.18,2012
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...we were supposed to go to a moving party for a friend of his at work...
One of two things going on here:
- POSOW was going to be there - someone else going to be there knows of his affair NG, That is exactly what I was afraid of! Do you think it would be a good idea to send a note to the friend's wife saying I was sorry we missed their party? I do not believe that he actyally told them we weren't coming. Would it possibly shake something loose, or, should I just let it go until I can get together the cash for the PI? That will take some time as he will notice larger sums of money missing? As it is he asks me what I bought whenever I get cash out of the bank.
Me:BW 45 Him:WH 48 4 Children: SS21 DD21 SS18 DD17 D-Day:Nov.18,2012
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...we were supposed to go to a moving party for a friend of his at work...
One of two things going on here:
- POSOW was going to be there - someone else going to be there knows of his affair NG, That is exactly what I was afraid of! Do you think it would be a good idea to send a note to the friend's wife saying I was sorry we missed their party? I do not believe that he actyally told them we weren't coming. Would it possibly shake something loose, or, should I just let it go until I can get together the cash for the PI? That will take some time as he will notice larger sums of money missing? As it is he asks me what I bought whenever I get cash out of the bank. Umm....sorry, "actually."
Me:BW 45 Him:WH 48 4 Children: SS21 DD21 SS18 DD17 D-Day:Nov.18,2012
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I need tech help. I just had a thought that is very revealing. Maybe his computer is so damned squeaky clean because he isn't using his computer. My daughter and I both have laptops at home. I cannot believe it didn't occur to me that he may be using mine! i could have sworn I left it in the dining room yesterday, but this morning I found it in the family room. I have a password on it, but really, he knows me well. it probably wouldn't take too many tries to guess.
Is there a way to put the keylogger onto my computer too? Do I have to repurchase it to use it on another computer in the household. I certainly will if I have to. I am sorry about my total tech ignorance here. Any help would be appreciated.
Me:BW 45 Him:WH 48 4 Children: SS21 DD21 SS18 DD17 D-Day:Nov.18,2012
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Good thinking! It's definitely something you should check out, while still keeping your mind open to all possible avenues. It may be as simple as them only contacting each other via affair phone, if your computer comes up clean, too.
If it turns out that he wasn't using your computer for himself, he was probably snooping on you. There's nothing like being a cheater yourself to make you distrust everyone else around you. He may assume that you're up to no good, either. When AJ was a WH, he would regularly accuse me of sneaking around, meeting another person, having an A...in short, all the things that HE was doing.
Good thing the Irony Police didn't know where he lived....
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I need tech help. I just had a thought that is very revealing. Maybe his computer is so damned squeaky clean because he isn't using his computer. My daughter and I both have laptops at home. I cannot believe it didn't occur to me that he may be using mine! i could have sworn I left it in the dining room yesterday, but this morning I found it in the family room. I have a password on it, but really, he knows me well. it probably wouldn't take too many tries to guess.
Is there a way to put the keylogger onto my computer too? Do I have to repurchase it to use it on another computer in the household. I certainly will if I have to. I am sorry about my total tech ignorance here. Any help would be appreciated. Depending on who you purchased your keylogger with they may give a deal with buying another keylogger. I would email them. You could also take it off one and add it to yours.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thanks Neak and Brainhurts. I suppose sneaky people are better at sneaking Neak! It wouldn't surprise me ifhe were snooping me. Crazy since it took me how long to catch onto him...Brain, I have just sent an email asking about the keylogger. I appreciate all the continued help and support.
B&P
Me:BW 45 Him:WH 48 4 Children: SS21 DD21 SS18 DD17 D-Day:Nov.18,2012
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Take careful note how he is snooping on you, if he's snooping. He may check more on the same avenues that he is using himself.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Something finally showed up from the snooping:
1. He used MY old match.com account (from when we were dating!) to search for women in a nearby town he frequents for work reasons. Although there were no emails etc. sent so I don't know what the purpose of looking at these profiles was.
2. There was a twitter entry on the web browser history of the spy program I put on the pc. Weirdly the keylogger did not record the twitter event. When I put the URL in the PC, the page came up with an error saying that access was denied.
I am not tech savvy at all! Can anyone please help or offer other ideas?
Bits and Pieces
Me:BW 45 Him:WH 48 4 Children: SS21 DD21 SS18 DD17 D-Day:Nov.18,2012
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So he's trying to find hookups?
Are you using Google Chrome?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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BH,
Yes, I think he is trying to do so. Why on earth look on match though, if you couldn't contact those people? Can he just not stay away from looking? My PC has firefox and explorer. I don't know if he uses google chrome or not. Do you have to select it? Is there a way to use it so the keylogger wouldn't pick it up? I don't know anything about twitter, but aren't tweets public? How could people communicate that way if everyone else will see them?
This is so frustrating! He knows everything about technology and I know nothing.
Bits and Pieces
Me:BW 45 Him:WH 48 4 Children: SS21 DD21 SS18 DD17 D-Day:Nov.18,2012
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I'm not that great with the innards of technology, either. That you've gotten any information is good, though I don't think it's enough to confront him on yet. Keep your eyes open. Sooner or later they will slip.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
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BH,
Yes, I think he is trying to do so. Why on earth look on match though, if you couldn't contact those people? Can he just not stay away from looking? My PC has firefox and explorer. I don't know if he uses google chrome or not. Do you have to select it? Is there a way to use it so the keylogger wouldn't pick it up? I don't know anything about twitter, but aren't tweets public? How could people communicate that way if everyone else will see them?
This is so frustrating! He knows everything about technology and I know nothing.
Bits and Pieces If Google Chrome is downloaded then it runs incognito. I would email your support for your keylogger and ask them. I deleted my Google Chrome while I have the keylogger running. Yes tweets are sometimes personal but you can also send private tweets.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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