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Originally Posted by WhyThis
How do you put the part of a post you are talking about into the box in your reply? I'm starting to confuse myself.
Do you see these buttons on the bottom of every post?

Reply Quote Quick Reply Quick Quote Notify Email Post

Click "quote" on the post you want, and the quote appears fully formed. Type your text above or below it. If you don't want to quote the whole post, take out the words you don't want but leave the brackets untouched.

Use the Preview feature to see what your finished post looks like, so that you can correct it before pressing Submit. Try it now.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by WhyThis
How do you put the part of a post you are talking about into the box in your reply? I'm starting to confuse myself.
Do you see these buttons on the bottom of every post?

Reply Quote Quick Reply Quick Quote Notify Email Post

Click "quote" on the post you want, and the quote appears fully formed. Type your text above or below it. If you don't want to quote the whole post, take out the words you don't want but leave the brackets untouched.

Use the Preview feature to see what your finished post looks like, so that you can correct it before pressing Submit. Try it now.
thank you!!


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Threads merged. Please stick to one thread. Thank you.

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Did you ever expose as you were advised in the first thread? You said you were going to and then you abandoned that thread.


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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Did you ever expose as you were advised in the first thread? You said you were going to and then you abandoned that thread.
No, I did not. I panicked. I was afraid that if I exposed that he would be very mad, and our marriage would end then. I talked to him today, and laid out everything. He says he is not cheating on me, but understands why I believe it. He said that he goes to the resturants like that to have someone to talk to because the waitresses are so friendly. I don't really believe that one, but I wasn't going to push that too much. He told me that he would try to become transparent with me, and if he started to go back to old ways that I needed to remind him to stay with things. He has agreed to look at MB with me, and see what we can do to make out marriage better. He told me he is also starting to feel like we are more roommates than lovers. He said he is afraid to cuddle me or play without having sex because he is afraid to hurt me physically. I am usually in pain most days, and am having trouble walking even, so I understand why he's afraid to hurt me. Would it be a good idea to have him start a thread about how to change?


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Have you been to a doctor to find out what is wrong? And what about STD testing?

None of his excuses will help your marriage recover. A married man should not be pursuing waitresses in the first place. He needs to stop spending any leisure time away from you. I would also expose all of his affairs and require him to take a polygraph. Keeping his affairs a secret is harmful to you both. Everyone shuold know he is a serial cheater.

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He told me that he would try to become transparent with me, and if he started to go back to old ways that I needed to remind him to stay with things.

That won't be sufficient. He needs to make a radical change in his lifestyle in order to be safe. Saying he will "try" is not going to work. Here is what it will take:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Have you been to a doctor to find out what is wrong? And what about STD testing?
I have been to many doctors, nobody quite knows what is going on. I have a meeting with a surgeon tomorrow to schedule gallbladder removal and exploratory surgery. Yes, STD testing was one of the first things they did when I got sick. My organs are shutting down, and they tested me for STD's to see if that could be a caus


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No, I did not. I panicked. I was afraid that if I exposed that he would be very mad, and our marriage would end then.
Stop panicking. Start ACTING. Save your marriage, WT.
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He said that he goes to the resturants like that to have someone to talk to because the waitresses are so friendly.
Waitresses are trained to be 'friendly' because they want money. Does he not understand that they couldn't care less about him? All they want is the tips. He can talk to you for FREE.
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He told me that he would try to become transparent with me, and if he started to go back to old ways that I needed to remind him to stay with things
Wrong. HE needs to BE TRANSPARENT with you - not 'try' to be.

Until your WH chooses to make a radical change in his behavior you will be dealing with affair after affair.


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WH and I spent the evening looking at the videos Dr. H has posted.


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Originally Posted by WhyThis
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Did you ever expose as you were advised in the first thread? You said you were going to and then you abandoned that thread.
No, I did not. I panicked. I was afraid that if I exposed that he would be very mad, and our marriage would end then.


So you won't expose because you are more afraid of making him mad than tackling his addiction?

Your marriage can survive his temporary anger but it cannot survive this addiction of his.

When we keep an addict's terrible behaviour a secret, it helps them to stay in that addiction.

He can go sleep with a random woman at any time knowing a) you won't leave and b) will help him cover it up afterwards so no one will know. The temptation to stay in his addiction when no one either knows or cares enough to stop him, is tremendous.

You are promising to HELP him sleep with other women by keeping his secrets like this.

Without exposure you are enabling the addiction with secrecy.

Originally Posted by WhyThis
He said that he goes to the resturants like that to have someone to talk to because the waitresses are so friendly. I don't really believe that one, but I wasn't going to push that too much. He told me that he would try to become transparent with me, and if he started to go back to old ways that I needed to remind him to stay with things. He has agreed to look at MB with me, and see what we can do to make out marriage better. He told me he is also starting to feel like we are more roommates than lovers. He said he is afraid to cuddle me or play without having sex because he is afraid to hurt me physically. I am usually in pain most days, and am having trouble walking even, so I understand why he's afraid to hurt me. Would it be a good idea to have him start a thread about how to change?


There's a whole bunch of red flags in this speech. It's quite clear he intends on keeping his secret second life where he can have sex whenever he wants. He makes some very OBVIOUS references to this. It's also clear you will help him do this so long as he pretends to be 'working on it'.

The only change he is willing to make is to try harder to avoid being caught.

Originally Posted by WhyThis
WH and I spent the evening looking at the videos Dr. H has posted.


So without his making any changes at all, without your doing exposure you have brought him here?

You have forewarned him of anything you might be able to do?

Now he can form a plan of how to take his secret second life further underground. He can also start discrediting you to everyone so no one will belive you if you do expose.

This is what happens every time enabling and secrecy and poor attempts at educating the addict happens. Even with one time only affairees. Your H on the other hand is one of the worst serial offenders we have ever seen and you give him blind trust!


We can't help an enabler. We can't help you avoid being a victim again when you are dead set on helping to cover up the crime.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by WhyThis
WH and I spent the evening looking at the videos Dr. H has posted.



He is ADDICTED. He has had sex with every female in his sights who was willing and he is working on the rest by being 'friendly'. You cannot educate the addiction out of him.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Truly nobody here can help you if you are going to do whatever you think is right, despite everyone stating the contrary. You need to realize that your husband is particularly terrible with his adultery (videos, strippers, BABYSITTER), so your odds are already difficult enough. Add to that, your refusal to see this situation for what it really is and refusal to follow any MB advice - I don't know how we can help you? Will you let us help you before you are given some lifelong disease by this man? Before your daughter is a teenager and he starts hitting on her friends? Before he spends MORE of your family's money on prostitutes?

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What if he is telling the truth though?


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You do KNOW that he isn't telling the truth. He has not changed at all and you know that. Wishing you could believe him does not make him truthful.

"I want to do what's best for my daughter". I can't remember ever giving this advice in five years of reading/posting on MB. If you want to do what is best for your daughter, leave your husband. Divorce him. IF he ever changes, then take him back. I think the likelihood of him ever changing is very small. He is a player, interesting in sex with as many females as he can get.

AM


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Originally Posted by WhyThis
What if he is telling the truth though?

Schedule a polygraph then and let him prove it.

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Originally Posted by armymama
"I want to do what's best for my daughter".


That struck me as odd too. As though this man in the grip of an addiction can benefit this poor young girl in any way until he is better.

Didn't we have a wayward a while back who had similarly been enabled for years? It had gotten to the point where he was sitting down with DD's teenage friends IN the kitchen IN front of his W chatting to them about oral sex.

Originally Posted by WhyThis
What if he is telling the truth though?


What does that have to do with exposure and taking a polygraph? With making his lifestyle safer?
IF he is telling the truth (he isn't) then he will see the need for these things.

He will happily take a polygraph and he will accept the ramifications of exposure happily without getting mad. Remorseful waywards are glad to get support and have people's help in changing after exposure.

If he was truly changed then he would only be sorry for what he has done. He would not dream of getting mad at his victim.

We see this every day. People only get mad at losing access to their secret second life when they want to continue it. Those who want help gratefully accept it.

Last edited by indiegirl; 10/29/13 09:59 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I've been reading the exposure 101. I am going to start putting together al my evidence, and making lists of who it gets sent to. My family already knows. I'll send it to his family, and then schedule a polygraph. I read that trickle exposure is bad, that I need to do it all at once. I can do that with email. Is there an example letter to see for the WH's family?


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WhyThis, I don't have the time right now to say more, but I did read your entire thread, and I BEG you that if you care about your M, do not skip ONE single step in Melody's exposure thread. Do NOT let your H get wind of what is coming. And expose far and wide...do NOT skip anyone just because you may think that "they won't help".

I caught my H cheating six months ago, and I did a botched exposure before we had found MB.

Go here to read a bit about what is going on in my life right now. I'm linking to the the middle of my thread (start at the 2nd post down on this page):

WHY TO DO A NUCLEAR EXPOSURE THE FIRST TIME


DDays - six months of them
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We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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