|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
We just got the link to begin watching the videos. We will start watching them tonight. It looks like there is quite a bit to get through.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
We just got the link to begin watching the videos. We will start watching them tonight. It looks like there is quite a bit to get through. It's a rich wealth of information! I'm glad you guys are doing the course - it will be invaluable to you to have help as you both learn all the new habits.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
Well, FC has been offered a job working part time. It will be during the day during the week and on weekends. Doesn't pay a lot but will cover the cost of daycare and get her out of the house some. I hope this works out well for us.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653 |
How many hours on the weekends? During the week?
Will you two be able to fit in time for yourselves?
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
How many hours on the weekends? During the week?
Will you two be able to fit in time for yourselves? Supposedly from 10AM - 3PM during the week. This Sunday she goes for the first time from 1 PM to 4PM. We've already talked about not letting this get in the way of our evening time together. We will see what they ask for. She can always quit if it doesn't work out. We don't have to have the money to pay bills.
Last edited by FightTheFight; 11/11/13 05:38 PM.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Have ya'll been assigned a coach yet?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
Have ya'll been assigned a coach yet? Yes, but we have to complete the videos and questionnaires first. We are still working through those.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
I do not understand my wife's answers to the questionnaires at all. We are working through the online course. As part of that, we had to fill out the EN questionnaire again. She now ranks FS as number one and FC as number two.
In addition, on the marital problem analysis questionnaire, she ranks everything in the 3 or 4 category. Mostly 4's. So on paper, everything is great with her. Yet I feel like crap most of the time and I don't believe she is in love with me.
I don't get it. Is this just a withdrawal thing? Conflict avoidance?
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
That doesn't surprise me at all. She has checked out of the marriage so she ranks the NON-intimate emotional needs as her highest needs. That will change the longer you get in your UA time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
That doesn't surprise me at all. She has checked out of the marriage so she ranks the NON-intimate emotional needs as her highest needs. That will change the longer you get in your UA time. Ok, but she also rates everythng as satisfactory. So what about that? Just keep waiting?
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
That doesn't surprise me at all. She has checked out of the marriage so she ranks the NON-intimate emotional needs as her highest needs. That will change the longer you get in your UA time. Ok, but she also rates everythng as satisfactory. So what about that? Just keep waiting? That means she is checked out and is satisfied with that condition.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
That doesn't surprise me at all. She has checked out of the marriage so she ranks the NON-intimate emotional needs as her highest needs. That will change the longer you get in your UA time. Ok, but she also rates everythng as satisfactory. So what about that? Just keep waiting? That means she is checked out and is satisfied with that condition. Well OK then. Really though? This is ridiculous. Maybe I am the one that is crazy. Is it possible I have some PTSD that is skewing my perception of things?
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
FTF, I think we already knew she was checked out of the marriage. That is the whole point of the exercise here! That will change once you both fall in love again. Once you follow this program for a while, you will be in love again and I predict she will rank her EN's very differently.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
We had a short discussion about it. She says she resents me. And then she said I was being disrespectful and went to bed. I apologized. Maybe this is all about resentment?
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
Is it bad that I am happy that my wife resents me? This is something I can continue to eliminate! Much easier than trying to become The Rock.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433 |
Is it bad that I am happy that my wife resents me? This is something I can continue to eliminate! Much easier than trying to become The Rock. You are happy that your wife resents you? Is that what you meant to say? If so, I don't follow you. Please explain.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
Is it bad that I am happy that my wife resents me? This is something I can continue to eliminate! Much easier than trying to become The Rock. You are happy that your wife resents you? Is that what you meant to say? If so, I don't follow you. Please explain. Yea I guess that doesn't sound right. What I was trying to say is at least that makes sense. What doesn't make sense is "Everything is fine in our marriage, but I'm still not in love with you." which is what I got out of the questionnaire at first. I'm just saying that if the problem is past resentments, then it seems to me that the further we get away from them, and the longer it is since I've done something to resent, then the better we will be. I don't know, just rambling.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738 |
That doesn't surprise me at all. She has checked out of the marriage so she ranks the NON-intimate emotional needs as her highest needs. That will change the longer you get in your UA time. This this this this one-thousand times this! The intimate emotional needs of marriage are intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment. If those four ain't happening, your marriage ain't happening. Can't say how many times men thought they could win their wives back by cleaning the house or washing the dishes more. You could get just as much mileage hiring a cleaning service. Those four needs above cause "falling in love"; everything else is gravy. Or salt. Or something. It makes the love BETTER; alone, it does very little.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738 |
...the longer it is since I've done something to resent, then the better we will be. Remember there are two types of resentment: * Resentment for things you have done, and * Resentment for things you did not do. The former takes a lot of time, care, attention, and diligent not-doing-that-again to remedy. Even then, it's very slow to be forgotten. The latter is easy. Do something. Of the two, I prefer resentment for the latter. It's much, much easier to remedy, and doesn't tend to persist nearly as much as the former.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 900
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 900 |
That doesn't surprise me at all. She has checked out of the marriage so she ranks the NON-intimate emotional needs as her highest needs. That will change the longer you get in your UA time. This this this this one-thousand times this! The intimate emotional needs of marriage are intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment. If those four ain't happening, your marriage ain't happening. Can't say how many times men thought they could win their wives back by cleaning the house or washing the dishes more. You could get just as much mileage hiring a cleaning service. Those four needs above cause "falling in love"; everything else is gravy. Or salt. Or something. It makes the love BETTER; alone, it does very little. X 2000 It is the feeling of being cherished... Nothing replaces it.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (TALKINGNONSENSE),
353
guests, and
71
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,623
Posts2,323,505
Members71,979
| |
Most Online3,224
May 9th, 2025
|
|
|
|
