Waking up this morning feeling a little puzzled. It's been a roller coaster of emotions. Legal advice I think

IM would have to be brother for now no other options. He lives out of town so will all go Internet.

My initial thoughts are to go straight for divorce and do it quick

Got up had tea with wife this morning. Put in the small talk to see if lines of communication are still open. I had left her a note before going to work yesterday containing 'I love you'. She brought this up saying I still don't get that we are over and that a letter from a solicitor for divorce will make me listen!
I said I think I realise that now and I need to back off as otherwise I'm going to lose any respect for me she has left and any sort of friendship will be impossible.
Things are civil but I do need to go Plan B.

If MIL or family or friends of hers try contact do I ignore them too?

Legal consultation booked for next week!

It is most atypical, sociopathically cruel and downright unwomanly for a WW to brag about 'one off sex' to her BH. This is exactly what I'm talking about.


I would do the exposure of OM2, even if you are dead set on divorce. It won't take long and who knows what other misery you could save other people by warning his world and yours about him. I'd include her 'one off' confession. It busts up WW's little stories regarding her happy new love OM1 and of how it is all OK really because she is 'separated'. She can't make a second OM look good with her little spin stories and it will make her supporters look like fools. It will be the last service you do her as a husband - the gift of the truth. She needs to learn she can't outrun it.

It will also do you the world of good to do this and just face the conflict head on with confidence. You will like living with yourself afterwards much better if you don't leave this undone. You will know you did all you could.

Then I would just go, and get into Plan B, because as you say here:



You sum it up perfectly.

I think she is atypical and simply not worth your time. As for your brother being IM... Hmm. I wouldn't recommend him being an IM if recovery was possible. He would see such a dark, nasty side of her he wouldn't be able to forgive her and be a BiL to her later.

However if he is a very level headed man he could probably be a spam filter, protecting you from contact with a woman you won't recover with. I don't see recovery happening. She is very entitled and while an extended Plan A could win her back, she'd never stop cheating on you.

He would have to have the nerves of a surgeon though. Waywards are expert button pushers, particularly with relatives who care about you. A neutral friend would be better.

Thank you for being honest with us about being an OM in your past.

Two things: Did the BH's learn about the affairs you were part of, and have you removed yourself from all contact with these people?

Just been walking through house trying to get a line on what I need to take tomorrow. Its hard now dont know what when it sinks in.
OM2 exposure? seems like I'm dragging up old dirt. But also I need that vidication. Not sure about timing of it all. Also i have copies of the messages not too explicit but say enough!Think exposure letter wording would have to be different. How and would I include this evidence, its a lot to think about.
I think I have to use brother for the short term as being blanked by most people at moment.

Also exposure targets? Is it wise to rock the boat?

feels like im being malicious also OM2 works for same company could be in trouble for harassment? Even if it is the truth?
Plus she has friends still in the company that can make my life hell! Have to be very careful here if I do. Last exposure I did a group message on FB as thats the only contact I have for some. That way they all could see who else had seen. Some of her family are going through very bad illness at moment dont want to add more stress. She will know I have told on my side. I think only her Mum, sister and a couple of close friends need know this new one. It gets through the family vine anyway.

There is an exposure template for an old A just been discovered. Use the template that starts how you sadly have to inform the friends of Joe Scumbag he is not a friend to marriage. You don't have to include your evidence at all. Just matter of factly refer to it as an affair.

Actually since you have a rented house in her name (have I remembered that right?) you prob won't need a great deal of IM'ing. Your brother will probably only be needed very short term to tie up loose ends with bills and then you can commnicate through lawyers. As long as she has no contact with you.

As for OM2 targets, the Exposure thread deals with that. Cherry pick his FB friends and expose to workplace as outlined in the Expousre thread.


It's also very important you deal with your own past misdeeds as an OM. You don't want those skeletons jumping out at you unexpectedly. Deal with it honourably, now.

We can't help you if you'd rather be an enabler.

of course someone who scams on women in the workplace will get into trouble for it. What does he exect a medal and a payrise?



How exactly? If they reveal themselves as enablers that is helpful information to you. You will know you cannot trust them and that is useful to know.



The fact that their relative has very scummy standards and is open to any any passing OM is extremely stressful, I agree. But with the true information about this available to them, they can decide whether she is worth the stress she brings to them.



So what's the harm in it coming clearly, confidently and gently from you? Surely it is much better from you than for ill people to hear it via gossip?

I exposed on the anniversary of the death of OW's deceased H. Including to his parents, her inlaws. I told all those grieving people the news on that terrible day. Exactly BECAUSE I didn't want them hearing it through gossip. They remain extremely grateful to me for having the courage to do it myself instead leaving them to the mercy of gossip they could not trust. indeed they had been hearing gossip which had been making them very nervous and unsure for ages.


I am not sure why you are so keen to avoid conflict. You come across as a man who feels guilty, unsure of himself and as though he will be blamed.
You seem more concerned about the trouble than what is right.

Possibly it is the leftover guilt of being an OM. However you can deal with that and get it over with.

House is owned in her name. She has always paid mortgage and helped me out of debt. I'm not interested in disputing ownership. I know legally it could be sold and profits split! There is small equity left but that can wait for proper legal advice. Bills etc easily transferred so yes IM'ing will be minimal.

Unsure of myself yes. I started out wanting to save my marriage, now? Conflict? My minds set on fleeing right now! Guilty yes, Ive not been a saint in this marriage. Ive not committed adultery in this marriage. I have done some dishonest and hurtful things.

You are always going to be all at sea without a moral compass.

I strongly recommend you expose those who attacked you and expose your own misdeeds. Do not fear the truth.

I need to get out first. My time is limited today off to work now. Should this exposure coincide with me leaving? Or does it seem cowardly? Or nullify any letter?

So the right plan should be:
Leave tomorrow
Expose old affair
Wait!
I've come this far what do I have to lose

If it were me, I would not do any more exposure. I understand the reasoning behind it and it makes sense though.

There needs to be some 'room' for the emotions to settle down a little bit. The more you inflame the situation, the worse it is going to get.

Are you realizing that everyday there are a new set of emotions that you are experiencing?

You need to calm down. Take this slow. Both of you are highly entangled with the emotions of this entire situation.

Use your head right now not your emotions. They will lead you astray. Her actions/decisions are very typical of a WW. Mine said many of the same things.

Just relax and take this one step at a time. Put pressure on the A and just try to do your best to be cool with her. I would not shower her with "I love you" this makes you look weak. Especially since she knows you are aware of her choices at this time.

No way that I would leave my own house. None.

You MUST show her that the future will be different than the past. You do that by being cool every single day with every single interaction and NOT being a doormat.

Slow down.

Right now, the OM is her 'shoulder' to lean on. He is giving her what she wants. You are not. You are in a competition. In her mind, he is her 'escape'. He has her back. In her eyes, you do not. She can go to him and cry about you and her life. She is so far in the Fog that she can't see clearly.

You do realize this..right?

SO,,,how are you going to compete? This is a game of cat and mouse right now.

How are you going to make her feel good about you?

Exposure I've sat on this one long enough only just got proof still undecided. Leaving is a must. Things getting intolerable.