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No, she thinks it is OK and that you, she, everybody is doing it.



Yes I know.



There is only two things you can do.

1)First, make sure the BH knows. Perhaps get someone else to contact him and expose you
2) The second thing is to answer all questions and pledge to stay severely away.

In your shoes I would do the following:
I'd get someone, perhaps your brother, to write them a line saying:

"Dear BH, My brother wishes to confess to an extramarital A with your DW over the period of time x/x/x to x/x/x . Some of the dates he was with your wife are for example, the night of x/x/x, the day of x/x/x and the weekend of x/x/x when she told you she was really at x. She was not.

Mr brother, (full name) knew your wife/met your wife at xxxx and began their relationship as friends/colleagues/whatever. The A ended due to x, instigated by x. He wishes to come clean because he since married and has been the victim of an affair himself.

He has asked me to contact you on his behalf because he feels direct contact may be more offensive and hurtful to you. However he is contactable on his cell phone/landline xxxxxxx and will answer any questions you chose to put to him. I am very sorry to be the bearer of such bad news.

Kind regards, Brother

Also make sure you tell anyone who is close to you.

This is not a secret you want WW holding over you!

It waswell known at the time as was in work

Does this mean your parents and siblings know? Close friends? Or do you mean the workplace knows?

It was about 15 years ago and family friends and work.

More like 12 as wife was around

Cool that's one less thing you need to do. The most important exposure target is the BH though.

That will take some searching and questioning. She worked under maiden name will have to ask around to see if I got it right.

And back to now and the reality of my choices. Parents on vacation until middle of next week. Not sure how surprised they will be as they expected me last Monday. Think I've surprised myself by actually doing this. Not sure how I feel? Sad, relieved,lonely,stupid? Kind of glad nobody is here gives me a chance to wrestle my own feelings.

Did you leave a Plan B letter and move out?
Did you mail a copy of the letter to OM?
Do you have an IM?

Yes
It will get to him
Told possible iM I have left awaiting response.


Awaiting response from anyone, not had contact with anyone, my side or hers since leaving

Second guessing. s she relieved,shocked/surprised? Knowing how stubborn she is and how she is used to getting her own way she s probably happy for NC.
A couple of things said to me yesterday that help:

'Just look out for yourself in the meanwhile and certainly dont worry about what anybody else thinks.'

Concentrate on you pal. Get yourself straight. Its tough but you can do it. (This was from someone who has experienced against them affairs/divorce and has an understanding of the thrill of the affair, the fantasy).

'When you hide from the truth, the truth has a habit of coming to find you'.

NC should be a matter of willpower. Work will prove my obstacle. Having worked in the same place until just before Christmas the wife still has people she occasionally speaks to. They will get her spin before long. Then its gossip/rumour. How will I handle this? I dont know until someone asks me. I feel I must give my view of events. She wanted to separate to carry on A, I wanted her to stop and work on marriage. All second guessing.

She has never lived on her own. Certainly Mon-Fri evenings she will notice the difference as OM has not been able to commit to this time. ENs, DS, Conversation(a phone is no substitute for a person), companionship. Financial support, she feels she earns enough to cope but is still in a probationary period with her new job and will have divorce realities weighing on her mind. She been used to her independance even with me around how will OM see this?
Me I have the added distraction of a busy period of work before a legal consultation. Time to get finances separated, bills in my name to hers. I'm not going to be in the same house second guessing her movements. Let her get on with it I have to concentrate on me. This will let us both know how we will be affected by divorce (I'm still going back and forth through SAA). I will try not to be too hasty and file right away. I would love to have Adultery as the reason but do I really want a divorce? I must not be hasty.
Posting this serves to let my thoughts out.
I can only take this time to figure out what I want.

Did you send a copy of the letter to your company president? I would contact him/her and inform them that OM (working for same company) is having an affair with your wife and you do not want to see or be around OM.

If coworkers ask, you can tell them that your wife is having an affair and it is very difficult for you.
Or you can just say that you don't want to discuss her ongoing affair because it is too upsetting.

Ongoing is not with OM working at company. He is the historical one night stand.
And I don't think I will be discussing with anyone if asked

I would still inform the company President that OM coworker had an affair with your wife and ask the company to keep him away from you

OM co worker works other side of country cannot see contact being an issue but will take the advice and inform if necessary. Would exposure of this conflict with 'going dark'?

No, exposure would not conflict with Plan B.
Dr. Harley would encourage you to expose to the employer.

Edit: also post both OM on www.cheaterville.com

Made the mistake of checking out FB seems the wife is no longer married!

Just delete your facebook account.

I will deactivate Fb. OM 2 affair I have brought up with some of her family in past ( me drunk accusation) and she has spun it away. Tempted to use copies of messages? Ideas thoughts?