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Do you have spyware on his phone and iPad WITHOUT his knowledge?


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by April78
She is not married. She has Facebook. In fact, 4 years ago, I discovered their very early relationship of sexy conversation on Facebook. He deleted her but simply went underground with the relationship ;(

He will need to shutdown his Facebook account and block it.

Was this ever done?


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Ok I see now:

Quote
We blocked her phone numbers on his cell; of course I know she an call from anywhere so I also check our phone logs via the phone company every day. I scoured the Internet for listings of our names and had our info deleted from websites like the Whitepages so that she has a harder time figuring out our home address. We have blocked her on Facebook and I have constant access to his account via the iPad at home.

So no spyware.

And you did not change the phone number and he still has Facebook.

Reposting the advice you were given on Page 1.


Originally Posted by Prisca
Here is what has to happen before you can even begin to fix the marriage:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


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No he's not--as far as I can tell. At the time I was trying to express to him that would she tell our son and why (I realize now that's up to me, not him). He glanced at it but didn't seem pursue it any further. I didn't tell him that I was posting here, just to read the info re: exposing to a child. He's not very interested in forums either. Of course, nothing is ever 100%!

I will look back at SugarCane's posts. If you don't hear from me for a bit, we have a busy weekend coming up and I need to pack.


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I am working on the spyware option. You do have to jailbrake the phone for key logging (key logging was recommended by your investigating forum). I looked I to teen safe but the company told me that it will not record websites under "private browsing." I can have the private browsing option shut down by putting restrictions on his phone.

With his FB account, I am seeing all of his activity in real time and even read his messages before he does bc his account is also on the iPad at home w me. Same with his email. I'm not very concerned about these accounts; I'm more concerned he could just set up a new secret email account which is why Id like to see the activity on his phone. The secret account is what he used before for 99% of their communication.

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Originally Posted by April78
As far as his work place is concerned, I do not believe anything he did at work violated their policies. (I used to work there myself and I don't recall any such thing.) He wasn't using their phones or email. He only communicated w her on breaks via his personal cell.

And you know this HOW? You have access to the phone and email records at the workplace?



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Besides, I am sure he did violate workplace policies by using the workplace address to get secret letters from his OW.

Quote
I discovered love letters in our basement ;( 4 years of written contact including 4 secret meetings in which she flew here.

She doesn't know our home address but does no his work address which is where she sent the secret letters.


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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by April78
As far as his work place is concerned, I do not believe anything he did at work violated their policies. (I used to work there myself and I don't recall any such thing.) He wasn't using their phones or email. He only communicated w her on breaks via his personal cell.

And you know this HOW? You have access to the phone and email records at the workplace?
Exactly.


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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As far as email and phone: he works in manufacturing on a line. They do not have person computers or phones at their workstations. The factory phones are unavailable for private calls unless you go to the main desk and ask to make a call. The desk is manned all the time and you have to have a person come to the locked door in that building, which is seperate. The only computers they use are old-school, local only computers for work orders and inventory, not with Internet access. Additionally, his employer is super strict with time.

As far as work policies, what would the content of the mail matter? Whether from his banker or a lover, I'm surprised they let anyone get ANY personal mail for any reason. I think that it's strange they didn't take him aside and tell him to stop getting mail. Although his supervisor was suspicious of this.

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Originally Posted by April78
As far as work policies, what would the content of the mail matter? Whether from his banker or a lover, I'm surprised they let anyone get ANY personal mail for any reason. I think that it's strange they didn't take him aside and tell him to stop getting mail. Although his supervisor was suspicious of this.

I am perplexed for several reasons.

First, you don't know HOW the employer will feel unless you talk to them about this. Which you were repeatedly advised by SugarCane to do.

Additionally, you have emphatically told us this is the biggest loophole that you are worried about and even at some point in this thread said you were wanting to do this.

Originally Posted by April78
Thank you all. I do feel that we should speak to whomever necessary at work to stop any incoming mail. Cards, letters and gifts are HER FAVORITE way to communicate. And I can imagine her dropping one in the mail every time a date comes along that she feels has some importance. She could do that for years. I don't want to wonder every day if today is the day.

He sees getting a letter and giving it to me as an opportunity to prove himself to me. To show he has the will to resist her.

What exactly are you arguing about?



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Originally Posted by Neak
He also needs a new phone #. Blocking her isn't enough. Even an OW at the very low end of the IQ spectrum can figure out to call from another phone, if she knows which # to call.

You both need to be totally serious about this, or it will lead to immense future suffering.

I know.

Why was this advice ignored?


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@SusieQ

I'm not trying to argue with you. Perhaps you are reading an argumentative tone into it? You asked how I "know " re: work email and phone. So I explained. Re: content of the mail: my point is, if they had a policy against receiving personal mail, why would it have been delivered without discussion, no matter the content? His employer is very hard on their employees about everything. I can't imagine they'd let this go on if there was a policy against it. In fact, given their attitude toward their employees, I would have expected them to tell him to knock it off long ago.

Regardless of their, I just need to find a way to keep the mail from getting to him. I think his supervisor is the best defense as he watches the floor and noticed the letters in the past.

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The advice regarding the phone has not been "ignored." I know she can use another phone number. I haven't felt a need to disconnect it because I can monitor the calls and texts from that phone very easily.

Furthermore, she isn't an idiot. She can get his new phone number via mutual contacts so unfortunately, it wouldn't fully solve it.


I recently wrote Dr Harley about EPs and I hope to hear back.


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Originally Posted by April78
The advice regarding the phone has not been "ignored." I know she can use another phone number. I haven't felt a need to disconnect it because I can monitor the calls and texts from that phone very easily.

Furthermore, she isn't an idiot. She can get his new phone number via mutual contacts so unfortunately, it wouldn't fully solve it.


I recently wrote Dr Harley about EPs and I hope to hear back.

April, we already know Dr Harley's views about EPs so we can help you with that. I am puzzled why you are writing Dr Harley with a question that is well published. As long as she is able to contact him at the same #, your marriage will always be in trouble. All such avenues should be blocked.

The fact that you can "see" calls and texts misses the point entirely. The point is that she CAN get through.

Quote
Furthermore, she isn't an idiot. She can get his new phone number via mutual contacts so unfortunately, it wouldn't fully solve it.

If he has mutual contacts that will give out his # to the OW then that person should not receive his new #.

IT is very concerning to those of us who have been through this that you don't seem to be taking this critical step seriously. I want to emphasize that your H is coming out of a 4 year affair. That is a very long time. Because of that, you can't afford to be cutting corners.

Did you see Dr Harley's extraordinary precaution list?

Quote
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you. I see your point that it's not about him contacting her, it's about her contacting him and resparking his interest in the relationship. And I can see how exposure who help eliminate her modes of attack (in addition to the other reasons outlined) and make it more difficult for him to reach out to her.


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Originally Posted by April78
Thank you. I see your point that it's not about him contacting her, it's about her contacting him and resparking his interest in the relationship.

Exactly! It doesn't even matter if he agrees to tell you when she calls. That won't help you one bit. Of course he should tell you, but that still misses the point. It should be virtually impossible for her to reach him. If she can reach him on a NEW PHONE, then he shouldn't even have a phone.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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And humans are curious. My heart would pound if I got a letter or call from her. I'm sure his would too, for different reasons. And he's mentioned how he feels bad that he hurt her. So I can imagine him thinking, " What's the harm in answering? I'll just tell her not to call." And she'll plead with him. And he'll say he's sorry. Yaddy yaddy yadda.

My husband and I have had this conversation. I've expressed to him that he needs to know that even if he feels he doesn't want contact with her, he can't predict how he will behave the moment he hears from her.

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Ignoring means you didn't follow through and or you didn't comment on the advice that was post.

We don't do this for the fun of it, to boss people around and to make a big deal out of nothing. Most of us volunteer our time in posting because we REALLY do want to see your M make it - and we have seen how not following through backfires on people over and over and over again.

It's page 12,...I just skimmed over this entire thread earlier today and a lot of the same things keep getting brought up over and over again but yet haven't been done yet. So let's be clear....

1) Are you going to change the phone number? If so when?

2) What about closing his FB page? Prisca advised that it be shut down and it is also in Dr Harley's published list of EPs.

3) When are you going to go to the supervisor at the workplace to discuss the letters and ask for their help?

4) when are you exposing to your children and family members? You realize this is something you do on your own, right? Without your H?

Last edited by SusieQ; 07/17/14 02:41 PM.

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Originally Posted by April78
Furthermore, she isn't an idiot. She can get his new phone number via mutual contacts so unfortunately, it wouldn't fully solve it.

Are these "mutual contacts" aware of the affair?


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When will he be changing all his contact information?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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