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BH,

Already listened, and read follow-up note from Dr. Harley himself.

Thank you.

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Originally Posted By: helpfordad
BH,

Already listened, and read follow-up note from Dr. Harley himself.

Thank you.

Yes, I know. I post it, also, for others who are following your thread.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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My apologies.

I thought you thought I hadn't heard it, and I didn't want to burden you with more than you already do here for everyone.

Thank you.

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Originally Posted By: helpfordad
My apologies.

I thought you thought I hadn't heard it, and I didn't want to burden you with more than you already do here for everyone.

Thank you.

No apology needed and you're welcome,


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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HFD,

Melody is 100%! You now have Dr. Harley's Personal advice to You (which is what I felt you needed in the first place). You retort that by bringing up your contingencies in regard to the EP of not working near the OM if your W accepts the job. That is ludicrous after being advised to go to Plan B if she accepts the job!! In his post, Dr. Harley did mention that part of your problem may be that you are doing things to drive your W away, and I do think that is the case. In your last several posts you have primarily commented Like: "I did the work", "I shouldn't have blasted", and other comments that indicate to me that you two (especially you) have not reconciled with each other over your W's affair, and that you have a tremendous amount of resentment still. But, for you to engage your resentment by trying to justify the 'poor hfd' at the expense of members And Dr. Harley for the sake of YOUR lack of effort In trying to save your own marriage is putrid.


Tom

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My options as outlined by Markos, melody, and Dr. Harley seem to be:

*Plan B
*divorce
*limbo (while completing online coaching)

In the end, I understand it is my decision, and I am trying to do my best.

I apologize if you feel I am insulting any of you, or come across as a putrid person while I'm struggling my way through the process.

Thank you.

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HFD,

I need to apologize to you on the forum here. I wanted to make a point that maybe your indecision in regard to enrolling in a Plan A or a Plan B, and when you mentioned that contingent provisions could cover if your W accepted that job seemed to go against MB and Dr. Harley's advice to you. So, I became frustrated and went too far. You seem like a decent guy who is struggling against a difficult situation. You're right tho, it is your decision and I hope all of this exercise will help you make the right one for you and your M and your family. My use of the word 'putrid' was only aimed at the state of your M, but that term was inappropriate. It is a troubled M.

I will say some prayers for you over the next few weeks that you reflect and do make the right decision, and also that your W will be willing to at least meet you half-way.

Tom

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Originally Posted By: helpfordad
I

That was the position suggested to me.


What position did Dr Harley suggest to you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley
"But regardless of the reason, her actions clearly show her unwillingness to make her marriage with you work for both of you. In your case, I would suggest that you follow plan B if she actually takes the job, and possibly even a divorce later on (but I don't want those on the forum to advise a divorce). You have every right to do either. It's your decision."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dr. Harley did state in his radio response that he felt it was a bad decision for her to take this job, that it does not show care for me or protection for the marriage, and that it feels that her career is more important to me.

And that if I chose to stay for the sake of our son, that was my choice, that my idea about staying around for 2 years and then divorcing her is fine, but I need to be transparent about that decision.

Several people have suggested that if that is my choice, then I should pursue the online coaching program, and that her involvement in that would be beneficial as well.

To not 'excuse' her breaking EPs or POJA, but that if I was not choosing to Plan B/divorce at this time, to use this time wisely enrolling in the online coaching.

I am not choosing to Plan B/divorce at this time, so I must be aware of the possible consequences of "allowing" her to work there, and fully understand that attempting to post here for direction or guidance will be a moot point unless/until we move, hfm decides to leave that location, or I choose Plan B/divorce.

Thank you, all.


Last edited by helpfordad; 09/25/14 09:36 PM.
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Originally Posted By: helpfordad
√
Several people have suggested that if that is my choice, then I should pursue the online coaching program, and that her involvement in that would be beneficial as well.



I made that suggestion BEFORE Dr Harley told you to go into Plan B. So I withdraw my suggestion. So please don't include me in that "several people." And of course, it would be a waste of time to do the online program because you already know your wife won't participate.

Of course it is your "choice " to ignore what Dr Harley suggested. No one suggested otherwise. It is always your "choice" to continue to do absolutely nothing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I withdraw all previous suggestions, anything by anyone. My apologies.

I was confused at first because Dr. Harley said one thing in his radio response (staying together for son okay, disagree with forum posters encouraging divorce), and another in his note to me (Plan B immediatley, divorce later).

The most recent choices laid out to me, then, are Plan B now, with the possibility of divorce later. Staying until son graduates and then divorce has been rejected now as an option.

I choose not to Plan B or divorce at this time. Doing the online program alone wouldn't do me much good, I suppose, if hfm chooses not to participate. I will cease trying to persuade her to join me and I will cancel the online coaching program.

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Tom,

No need to apologize to me. It seems I owe an apology to everyone here, since they seem so frustrated and angry at me.

Thank you for recognizing that I'm just an average Joe, a decent guy, who is struggling mightily in a difficult situation.

Your heart is in the right place, and I appreciate it.

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When does she start the new job?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: helpfordad
II was confused at first because Dr. Harley said one thing in his radio response (staying together for son okay, disagree with forum posters encouraging divorce), and another in his note to me (Plan B immediatley, divorce later).


Dr Harley did not disagree with the idea of divorce; he disagreed that posters should TELL YOU to divorce. THAT should be your decision.

But your decision has been to kick the can down the road and just avoid conflict. I don't believe for one second you will divorce her in 2 years or 10 years.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Plan Roommate. Conjures memories of Carly Simon's song "That's The Way I Always Heard it Should be."

I'm sad for you tonight.

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BH,

Monday.



Melody,

I relistened/reread and gained clarity on that.

I understand what you believe/don't believe about me and my marriage, and appreciate that you respect that it is my choice, even if you feel I'm making one you don't agree with.

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Originally Posted By: Justthe3ofus
Plan Roommate. Conjures memories of Carly Simon's song "That's The Way I Always Heard it Should be."

I'm sad for you tonight.


Me too.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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That makes 3 of us.

I'm sorry I've disappointed all of you.

Please have a good night and a Happy Rosh Hashanah.

Last edited by helpfordad; 09/25/14 10:07 PM.
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Originally Posted By: helpfordad
BH
Monday

Are you currently on ADs? If not, you're going to need them when she starts work Monday.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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