WifeNMother:

On another thread Husband Hates Me, the poster has come to the realization as follows:


This is exactly the pattern that ALWAYS happens. An abusive spouse will not stop unless you enforce consequences so he does not want to experience the consequence of abusing you.

If you don't set the boundary (separation) now, you will live like this until you do.

The same thing happened to me and to every abused woman who is tolerating abuse. This is a cookie cutter outcome to abuse.

You either enforce boundaries to stop the abuse, or the abuse continues.

Do you listen to Dr. Harley's daily Radio Show?
You can email him at: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com and tell him what you posted here. If you include your phone number, they will call and ask if you would like to be on the Radio Show. You can use an alias if you prefer but it will allow him to ask you questions and help you directly.
If you prefer not to be on the Radio Show, he will email a reply to you with advise.


However, the posters here have pretty much explained his methods: in cases of abuse such as yours, he recommends separation until the abuser eliminates the offending behavior and is safe to be around.

Your husband has a big character problem. You cannot control him. You can only control your own actions and reactions.

This isn't about some underlying sad thing your husband had happen to him at any point in his life and it has nothing to do with something you did or did not do for him.

And all the nice things he does for you and your children will not make up for his attacks against you. He is very aware of how this is damaging you. He does not care.

A person with a character deficiency will do these things:

1. Make management of his/her image more important then any abuse being committed. Again, he is aware of the damages but does not care. Seriously, this is true. He is not in denial or 'acting out' like many like to believe ---which is why traditional psychotherapy does not work for the character deficient because its based on how we functioned in another era.

2. Manipulates all the time.

3. Avoids responsibility.

If you apply the above principles, you can hopefully determine all the nice stuff he does for you is to help him continue to rape you and get away with it. This is real. This is the elephant in your room.

You HAVE to shift away from your more neurotic response to a stand showing strong boundaries as others here have suggested.

He has you helping to manage his image. He's manipulating you. And he is avoiding seeking the help he needs to be a better man.

HE will not be motivated to improve until you say no more and act.

Did you email Dr Harley?

Did I hear your email on the radio show today, WnM?

I find it interesting that she didn't explain what rape was to her within her marriage.

What I've seen is wife rejects husband x amount of times/months/years and at some point he is overly assertive.

Could he call the rejection abononment? How long between accounts of intimacy? Most studies say that men can go 72 hrs without an emmission before feeling the need and get grumpy mean irritable etc.

I find it ammusing that some on here go like this:

Husband gets rejected by wife continuously and is tempted by porn. Wife catches him, comes here for advice.

Advice given? Do not have sex with him until he stops the porn watching. So..... let's cut him off from the one thing that caused the temptation in the first place.

We need to see the root to the problem and get of the female carousel and start seeing mens point of view at some point.

I assume most people on here are christian. Is not sex commanded in the bible? I think it's been beat to death on this site that the HD spouse is at the mercy of the LD, and the needs is regardless. The bible says the HD spouse will be tempted, withholding causes that temptation. Stop letting your spouse become tempted!

Rape is forcing a woman to have sex against her will. A woman should never be forced to have sex...period...even if her H is grumpy and irritable from waiting.

Most wives enjoy sexual relations with their husband as long as they feel bonded and if they have the prospect of enjoyment. If a woman continually refuses to make love with her husband, the wise husband would find out what the problem is rather than getting "overly assertive" and force himself on her.

The Bible is full of many commandments, including not to deprive one another of sex; however, this doesn't give the husband permission to force himself on his wife. The Bible commands spouses to love each other and to respect each other, that the marriage, at its best, is a little insight into the relationship God has with His people.

If you want to discuss porn and how it ruins a marriage, please start your own thread rather than hijack this one.

The "female carousel"? Are you serious? Perhaps the root of your problem is your entrenched belief that it is them against us.

Rape is never permissible in any context. For you to imply differently belies a serious problem with you. There is no controversy in this; when a woman is forced to have sex, it is rape. Did you listen to what Dr. Harley said about this on the radio show? He said that the husband is too far gone and beyond hope. Your attempt to cast this situation into a benign context has failed miserably.

Does your bible recommend women are punished with violence for not putting out?

You might have a dud copy.

Here's your question.
Radio Clip of WifeNMother's Question

Thank you for all the responses. Dr. Harley did address my question on the show and send me He Wins She Wins. I have not approached my husband yet with the articles Dr. Harley suggested I show him. Just trying to get up the nerve I guess.
I just wanted to respond to the comment someone had made about the Bible and that women should not withhold sex. I do believe that sex should not be withheld as a weapon against your husband to punish him. I believe you do give your body to your spouse when you marry and you agree to meet their sexual needs. However that doesn't give a husband the right to abuse his wife.
The longest we ever went without sex was about a month after the birth of each child. Each time I was pressured to have sex before the doctor had cleared me for sex again. Other than that we've never gone longer than a week. I am a devout Christian I have been trying to meet my husbands sexual needs but I know God did not intend for that to include being grabbed by the hair on both sides of my head and having it smashed down again and again because I dared to deny my husband sex.

Dr. Harley would agree with you.

Honestly it is he who is withholding a loving and fulfilling sex life from you.

How long has it been since your enjoyment mattered if your consent does not? Since you have been under caring and sensitive hands?

Sex should be fun and intimate and full of giggles and sighs and exchanging looks. He has murdered all that.

He is taking his own conjugal rights but he flat out denies yours.

It is he who is causing temptation, not you. I don't think for a moment you would have an affair but your husband is creating the ideal circumstances by denying you love, care and yes... Lovemaking.

I didn't hear your show but did Dr H tell you to confront him? Did you explain the level of violence?

I'm concerned he isn't safe to have this discussion with. Women do die every day at their husbands hands.

Mr E said Dr H described him as beyond hope yet you seem to think articles will change his violence. I hope I'm misunderstanding .

I feel flippant talking about your right to a sex life while you don't have the right to safety.



You understand this is a Jekyll and Hyde persona designed to keep you on your toes?

Dr H says it is very difficult getting abused women to leave because their husbands are so nice to them most of the time. This gives them freedom to abuse.

Here's the question.
Radio Clip of WifeNMother's Question

Dr. Harley was very clear in your Radio Call that you should separate from your husband.
You are wasting your time in remaining with him at this point

Unfortunately he thinks the Mr Nice Guy act is enough to buy him a sex slave. So very sad.

Do let us know if we can support you.

Hi I am sooo sorry to read of your story.
I also am a survivor of marital rape. ( it went on for years)
You aren't the only one out there- I will pray for your strength.

I would like you to take this to your pastor & not confront your husband over this. He isn't safe enough. (This is what Dr. H said)
Write out exactly what has been going on- don't dress it up- call it rape- just tell what the facts are and bring it to your church leaders. (I found it easier then having to tell the story over & over and embarrassment) I hope this will give you the support you need for your church and you to confront your DH husbands sin, and get him the help he needs- while being separated from him for your protection.

"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, rather expose them." Eph 5:11

This qualifies!!! It is dark and needs to come to light. You desperately need some support my dear sister!!! Go and get it!! You can't do what needs to be done alone, it will all take support.

It will only get worse I am afraid. Your body will not let you get away with sweeping it under any rugs. It knows what happened to it. There is no way to get around it. You are helping everyone out by exposing this.