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so I'm reading the buyers renters and freeloader's link. and seems me asking her to sacrifice her job is my taker and makes me a renter?? any tips?

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Originally Posted By: clintonior
so I'm reading the buyers renters and freeloader's link. and seems me asking her to sacrifice her job is my taker and makes me a renter?? any tips?
You are confusing concepts. A renter is someone who is in a relationship until something better comes along. Your taker is acting to protect you and your marriage. That is a distinctly buyer reaction.

We all have a giver and a taker, and keeping those two in balance is essential for healthy relationships. Buyers do not deny their takers. Buyers work to keep both their giver and taker happy.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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no I have not set a plan for Plan A. let me give you an example of yesterday. 6am i leave give WW a kiss on the forehead and say "have a good day".

I work 7-4

WW got called into work drops kid off for 830 at work for 930 am
worked till 11pm but said she had to stay till other nurse showed up.

i pick up daughter at 4 dance 430 picke her up at 530 go to dinner at moms. kido goes to bed 830 I goto bed at 930pm.

WW got in the house at 1136 eats something she bought at applebees suposedly yesterday.
goes to bed 12pm.

we have almost no working relashionship due to her nursing hours. sadly and im not wanting to be controling but her job doesnt meet either of our EN's or PN's. she also works with all the ppl she has been hanging out with to included suspected OM.

if i were to idealy set boundries it would include a day job. and NC with OM.

WW is very defensive about changing her job WW has applied for a day position within the CO. and is being considered for the position. thats as far as that goes so far.

I have kept the house clean. and friendly at this point. we are comunicating with out LB's for 2 days halloween was not so good. WW saw my family nad the exposure and how WW felt the behaved pissed WW off alot.

WW text she will be grocery shopping today and if i could make out a list of what i would need/want. she has not shopped for me since we went together over a month 1/2 ago.

WW also has been laying out my clothes for me.

I feel me not being jelous or LB and making small talk is having positve affects.

however no plan other than continue marriage counseling( which our counselor is focused on me and my issues and wont see WW till i am less emotional which i actually feel i am as im not LB'ing anymore so far. i have also stopped digging and looking at phone log as it makes me jelous i continue to assume she is with OM. i was told she took my daughter to the circus with friends and children and OM was there Sunday.

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Sir you should be looking at her phone logs so you know if the affair is ongoing.
I dont think this counselor is helping you at all.
Quit the counseling and focus on Dr. Harley's methods in Surviving an Affair

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so in plan A I'm the buyer. but the plan utilize me being the giver so eventually the taker will get ticked off.

see I know my WW gets jelous of me. when i ask what WW does or is doing, i get "were not together right now so dont ask". when she ask she where i was WW just keeps repeating the question via text.

I cracked and lied said i went out for a drink passified the situation i needed to utilize her jelousey didnt I?

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I have checked the phone logs thats how i determined who WW was likey having the affair with. I know who it is and have exposed. she was furrious but only admits to possible EA. i stopped checking i know if i do it is still going on she is always texting and seems to be avoiding FB.
I am currently avoiding LB's and have gone plan A complacent inviting home clean home ect. I have moved from the couch to an upstairs bedroom.
\
now with her schedule and her claims to be avoiding me till i go to sleep. there is absolutley no transparency in our relashionship currently. we are seppareted acording to her at the suggestion of our counsellor and what she saw on grey's anotomy last week. mabye you saw it..

she has sworn up and down nothing sexual is going on and claims I know she isnt like that and is hard to get. well I know just how long that took me. and this has gone on much longer so i have no doubt there is enough love deposits for something like that to happen. i know i can do that in 3-4 hrs tops if so chose to.

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Originally Posted By: clintonior
we are seppareted acording to her at the suggestion of our counsellor and what she saw on grey's anotomy last week.


this is complete nonsense.
STOP VISITING THAT COUNSELOR!

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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Please listen to the clips in here.

Beware of Bad Counselors

Have you listened to these?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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no I cant at work I would have to try them from home i guess. they wouldnt open up for me. she is treating my PTDS and anger issues and jelousy. and not my ww.. yet till i can take care of me. perhaps she views us as to far gone idk. i see her tomorrow again. i have been able to stop LB's since my last visit. which i feel is a good thing. Im also reading "connecting thru yes"..

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Have you read Surviving an Affair?

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well at our first visit My WW was pissed off and stated she was moving out to her my counselor agreed maybe it wouldnt be a bad idea. now she has not moved out but my WW has stated were not friends right now and or we are not together or separated. she worte me a note expressing she thought we should take a break I asked so do you want an open marriage WW replied "nope im just having lots of affairs". i'm going to counseling to make sure im being level headed and not making a bigger deal other than her schedule, friends and recent displeasure in our marrige i will say i have been reading the giver and taker and i have asked her to do things that were sacrfices that she did not want to do and also have said no to things she wanted. but high maintenace stuff mabye either way i can see how long term we are having issues i didnt see coming.

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jedi_night Yes I have read thru most of the links in surving an affair. I have made big errors already and am not completly on track for a sucessful exposere. I made many LB's prior talked to her busted her in lies and bassicaly dug into and got caught doing that she knows about my recorder and i slashed OM tire she busted me on that aswell. WW is no dummy. she asks me what i do expects answers or gets BS and will leave. i ask her and its a LB ect no reply just were not together. so my current approach is to look attractive again by letting this die down and small talk and plan A clean hose inviting home. before she was saying coming home was uncomfortable for her. not cool with me. so clearly i found MB a bit late now im trying to get on track. this is where im at i read the stuff till im blue in the face it dosent fit my situation very well. as im past keeping it together. I need to establish the reconsillation rules for plan A at some point with her. but to her the affair if i keep mentioning it is an LB at this point

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The first part of Plan A is a widespread exposure of the Affair with a compassionate plea requesting support in steering her head out of her waywardness and support for your marrige.

At the same time, you do No Lovebusters.

BUT, exposing the Affair is NOT a Lovebuster!!!

Plan A without full exposure to everyone who could possibly offer support is Plan Doormat.

Only those who fight strategically with a strong backbone succeed.

No Doormats succeed.

LTL

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Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of WW and I. As some of you know, WW has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with an man named OM who resides in College Hill area of Wor MA. He is also married/ separated and has young children. The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.
She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my WW, Please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. OM is who WW is having the affair with. OM was fired from Portsmouth State University Police force for sexual misconduct with students while abusing his role as Police officer to do so. OM has separated from his wife OMW of 6 months while she was pregnant with their second child.
OM verbally abused his wife during the infidelity incidents a Portsmouth State University leading to a fight which ultimately led to OMW filing a restraint order against OM. OM works at pizza shop in Wor MA.
I have had a few conversations with OMW Father DAD he has verified the info and I have recorded conversation of WW planning to meet OM at the boat ramp Thursday 23 Oct. I was told by WW the night before she told OM via phone call though she was out all night that they would not be seeing each other except at work. This was obviously not true.
I want to stay married to WW and love our family unit. Over the years WW and I have had to overcome much together to become a loving couple this I love most, but the affair must end.
As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with WW to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support.

Warmest regards, H

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ive posted my facebook exposure i did forget an important person OM sister who i found on fb he is from a catholic family. not sure if that means anything. i also included my WW which i found out was a big no no. so she repoted it as spam or abuse and fb shut it down. i would like to forward it to the sister so his family knows he is doing this however ww is extrealy untrusting of me and ready to move out and has said she hasnt had an affair but if i keep saying affair shell just go and meke it true, not exactly what id be ok with. i have absolutley no proof of a PA only that an EA is likley..

OK ... once you've snooped and you know there is an affair ... and your spouse refuses to end the affair relationship ... you will hear:

"It's only a friendship."
"You are too controling."
"I love you but I am not in love with you."
"You are too suspicious."
"You are crazy."
"Our marriage never worked."
"I've never been happy."
"Our marriage was a mistake from the start."

TIME for exposure.

WAT has a great exposure thread ... read it

Exposure is NOT to the 2 infidels ... they already know they are in an affair!

You expose to the other betrayed spouse first.

she has said all of this. i screwed up and exposed to her she pulled damage control. also the betrayed spouse is going for a divorce and wont assit me anymore on this.

Last edited by clintonior; 11/04/14 02:19 PM.
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Clintonior,
A true Catholic has huge problems with infidelity of any sort.

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Bump.

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some insight. recived this message from WW today.

"I'm not holding a grudge, I'm just not sure what is going on- I don't know how I feel I don't know what i want....a lot of stuff has happened between us... and things went on... that shouldnt have.. and hard to take back.. I'm working ect. chat later

so this currently shows our distace. she is likley in withdrawl as result of LB..

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Originally Posted By: clintonior
some insight. recived this message from WW today.

"I'm not holding a grudge, I'm just not sure what is going on- I don't know how I feel I don't know what i want....a lot of stuff has happened between us... and things went on... that shouldnt have.. and hard to take back.. I'm working ect. chat later

so this currently shows our distace. she is likley in withdrawl as result of LB..




No.
She is having an affair and in the fog.
Focus on busting up the affair and Plan A.
PLEASE READ SURVIVING AN AFFAIR book

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Jedi I out up alot of requested info. i put up the exposure letter you requested. would you be able to re review the info from say the top of page ten. and give me some bullets.

I agree she had addmited during the exposure that the word affair bothered her and that she could agree it was an EA so she asked me to clarify that to those who were notified.
I'm trying to bust this up. i also trying to avoid LB's at the moment aswell. but if you could please review the info above again sir.

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