This is why it is so vital to snoop and expose once you get the evidence...

and NOT spin your wheels, wasting your emotional energy in counseling, trying to meet ENs while the affair is ongoing.

All the while the affair becomes more entrenched.

Stop dragging your feet and get the exposure done. Your family needs you to fight for them!

You try because you don't know what the future holds and you've got two little children that could and would hugely benefit from an intact family and parents that love each other.

You try to keep OM away from your children forever, no matter the outcome. A man willing to cheat on his own wife (and kids) with someone else's wife is debased. There is no telling what kind of other deviant behaviors this man is capable of.

You also expose to other man's wife because it's the right thing to do. If you shared the same accountant with your neighbor and you determined your accountant was embezzling your money, you'd warn your neighbor, wouldn't you? It's the decent human thing to do. Adultery, as you are keenly aware, is a lot more hurtful CRIME than embezzlement and we, as members of a Christian society need not fear standing up and pointing out such evil criminals. Besides, once she knows, she is likely to either lock him down and make his work on their marriage and never speak or see your wife again OR she'll divorce him leaving him free to immediately start dating ANY single uncomplicated woman out there (he'll want to troll the dating pool and not be locked down to some complicated still married woman with kids (who are aware he destroyed their parents marriage) and a angry husband/ex-husband. Exposure insures he moves on and doesn't continue to view your wife as a available secret sex partner whenever he has the inclination to secretly give her the time of day again.

Throw out the D.R. book. It may sound appealing and easier to conflict avoid and do nothing but stand and wait for your wife but that is the road to divorce for men in these situations. Your wife FEELS neglected, you have an opportunity to demonstrate just how much you truly cherish her and your marriage to her by being a man and standing up to her and for her against the affair and against OM.

She won't like it....but you can't save your marriage while OM is still in the picture. Priority number 1 ....actually the only priority right now is busting up the affair with exposure. Your marriage can survive her anger...it can't survive and ongoing secret affair.

Mr Wondering (almost 10 years recovered)

I chose divorce but I am still so pleased I exposed. I got so so much wonderful support from the most surprising quarters and it even flushed out some hidden enemies who were friends of the affair.

Before an affair everyone thinks adultery would see them divorce. However when it really happens, no one (including me) shoots that trigger straight away.

Every BS thinks the family will be eternally unforgiving but few family members pull that trigger either.

Like your reaction, theirs will be based on her future choices.

For me, this was one of the biggest reasons to expose as much as possible. You can't allow a WS to redefine reality. You cannot hope that you won't be turned into the enemy later unless you expose. Even if exposure targets are sympathetic to the WS and adultery, at least they will know your side of the story. I would never be complicit in a lie that destroyed my family. No one should be.

Update:
Exposure worked! The biggest impact was telling the OMW (which demolished the affair) and her parents and best friend. I'm confident the affair is now over (I'm still snooping but she is being very transparent).

It took about a month for the "fog" to lift, which was a tough month at home for me and the kids.

Now she's doing all the right things. She's clearly done her homework and trying very hard to right the wrong and pain she's caused us. We are now also going to marrige consuling.

I went through some rough phases but starting to feel much better. (No more angry outbursts, I'm eating and sleeping again, etc).

I'm still torn if i really want to reconcile or not. Part of me says we can build something great. However, there will always be the fact that her fidelity and her lifelong commitment to me is not a guarentee (I guess I was niave to think it was).

Anyway, I'll keep you all posted.

Don't be absent for so long between updatesn. You could have received much needed support and direction during the past 2 months.

Someone will follow up and post the List of EP's, (Exraordinary Precautions), that MUST be followed Precisely, otherwise you will just have a marriage living on a thread.

The point is to create an Integrated and Romantic Marriage, where you ELIMINATE any potential for a similar crisis from ever occurring again.

This will also eliminate your ambiguity about your desire to reconnect with her.

You Must still continue to secretly spy on your WW, until you become bored of finding Zero Red Flags.

The worst thing that happens after a seemingly hopeful initial result of exposure, is to not follow the EP's and discover another affair.

You can avoid that.

Marriage counseling seriously will be detrimental to a proper recovery though. You will spend hours and hours rehashing past mistakes and trying to improve communication.

Really, I would not have believed this sites posters about that either, but time and time again, I have witnessed how it does not achieve the desired results.

What EP's have you implemented?

They are listed in Dr. Harley's Book, Surviving An Affair, which you can order or download to read as your guide immediately.

Who, like list everyone that you exposed to?

Have ALL conditions that allowed the affair to occur been eliminated?

Where does the POSOM live? If it's ANYWHERE nearby, then moving away would be the right choice.

How did your WW and the POSOM know each other and make contacts with each other?

Has your WW written and sent a FINAL No Contact Letter?

Good luck.

LTL

Your fidelity and commitment to her is also not a guarantee. Dr. Harley says we are all wired to have an affair and anybody would have an affair given the right circumstances.

If proper EPs are in place in your marriage, you both will have strong boundaries and your marriage will be affair proof.

RobL,

Is the counselor helping or hurting the marriage, is he blame shifting the affair to you?

There is a basic conflict of interest with counselors in that your problems are their profits. It's best for them if they improve your marriage just enough to keep you together, but not so much that you stop paying them.

God Bless
Gamma

"Your fidelity and commitment to her is also not a guarantee. Dr. Harley says we are all wired to have an affair and anybody would have an affair given the right circumstances."

I'm not sure I 100% agree with this; or I've never been to that "place" yet.

I exposed prety wide, and OMW was the most effective. All circumstances that "allowed" the affair to happen are gone.

Consuler seems to be helping now. Initially he wasn't but consuling did buy me some time, as my wife was convienced she wanted a divorce.

Things are actually going very well since the fog cleared. Like I said, she's doing everything "right". It's still early in the process (2mths out) so I'm assuming the doubt I'm feeling is normal??

Rob, are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio program, daily? Regardless of whether you choose to stay married or not, recovery (personal recovery or marital recovery) is difficult work, and I would suggest that you can't afford to pass up a single hour of free help. That's five hours a week. Trust me; you are going to need it.

What EPs has she put in place? Did she write a NC letter? Change all her contact information?

What has been done from the below list?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Great news!!!

The FACTUAL TRUTH is that you can build something much better than you had before if you strictly follow the steps for recovery. If you don't do these things, your marriage will be a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage and will be more vulnerable than before. People who do not do these steps usually end up in repeat affairs and the betrayed spouse grows MORE resentful year after year. But you don't have to be like that.

I would get the books Surviving an Affair, Lovebusters and Five Steps to Romantic Love and follow the lessons in the books. It is very doubtful that your counselor has any earthly idea how to save your marriage. You might be able to take him those books and get him to help you through the program, but just be aware if you are not following these steps, you won't recover.

here

Which EPs have been ticked off the recovery list?



It would be so much more useful for you two to spend this time going out to dinner. Or for her to change her number or the two of you to PoJA some fun recreation.

There are few things more destructive to a relationship than endless relationship talk. Particularly the counselling, 'let's flog a dead horse' variety.

If your counsellor can't end affairs, how can he recover them?

Your belief in you immunity is the greatest risk factor you have, because it will cause you to take risks.

All EP's have been implemented except change in phone number...

Being only 2 months out, I'm having a hard time with the new reality I am in... which sucks. Key assumptions have changed (like I said above):

1. Fidelity is not a given
2. Life long commitment is not a given
3. My wife is capabile of hurting me so deeply
4. Blind trust is gone
5. I view all men as potential threats to my marraige

How do you guys / gals deal with this? That's what's causing me to consider walking away... like I'd be better off on my own.

I'm also having serious revenge thoughts... om, revenge affair, etc... which scares me.

After two months!!! Change it today.



Because only an idiot would want that lousy, fake stuff.

We follow a plan which gives us control over our hearts and our spouses. We don't wish on a star, we cook it up ourselves.

Blind trust in particular is such a fake out. Deep down while you were trying to trust her, you didn't.

People think trust is a 'must do' and is difficult but it's actually just a very easy reaction. Like laughter.


When your marriage is safe you will feel genuinely trusting. You Will see it.



Silly. Only OM and anyone with access to her lovebank is a danger. If she practices boundaries, that's no one.





Exposure was the worst you could do. Rather than pay back, get paid. Read up on just compensation.

"Blind trust in particular is such a fake out. Deep down while you were trying to trust her, you didn't"

Sad thing is I did trust her blindly... which i guess is a character flaw of mine...

this isn't your unique reality because you have a FWW. Most of us were sold a lie about marriage...we were given to expect and assume a great marriage just happens. That is an illusion. Your new reality is the way it is for everyone. Nothing is a given unless you deliberately choose to make it so.

A lifelong marriage full of fidelity, trust, safety, and happiness is created and built. It doesn't just happen. Luckily for us Dr Harley has boiled the realities down into a blueprint. Build by the blueprint and you will get the satisfaction of living in the dream house.

Have you read Buyers, Renter, and Freeloaders? Feeling like you'd be better off alone sounds like renter talk. It is your choice. You aren't ever going to live in the fantastic dream marriage you assumed would happen to you unless you do the work to become a buyer.

Firstly, we all did - and secondly: No you didn't.



Genuine trust isn't about keeping quiet and not trusting your instincts. Genuine trust doesn't involve something remaining to bother you.

Popular culture coaches us to believe that trust is something you are supposed to 'do' in marriage. Even when you're instincts don't like it.

But trust isn't something you can 'do' - it's only a feeling.

Your trust instincts work fine. They are bothered and keep something top of mind when there is danger. Like now, with her phone totally accessible to OM, you don't trust her on willpower alone. Your trust instincts are totally correct. Don't.

Over time, when she makes move after move to block him forever, and makes herself and her interactions totally transparent - your trust instincts will register the trustworthy behaviour, just as they did the untrustworthy behaviour.

I was done over by my husband of ten years and one of my oldest friends. I have no problem trusting today though because I know how spot on my instincts of trust really are.

Your trust instincts are just fine. Learn to trust them.