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The kids handled exposure better than expected. They were relieved to hear that WW was not continuing the inappropriate relationship with OM. The had both picked up the negativity in our M and were likely blaming themselves. The kids know.
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That is the advice I got from Dr Harley, so I would recommend you write to him on the radio show, outline the 2 affairs your WW has had with the close friend and then the coworker and be sure to point out how quickly the affair happened after she hadn't been in the workforce and how quickly it progressed. I've looked around here, and don't see how to write in to Dr Harley on the radio show. Can you please steer me in the right direction.
Last edited by Forgedfe; 11/02/16 07:15 PM.
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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Another setback. WW discovered web watcher due to a software glitch. She was upset. She didn't demand that I remove it but made it clear it was a problem. This has not been a good day. I know the flags that this throws.
She said that she was upset that I lied to her after we agreed to radical honesty. When she aked if I was reading her texts, I said no.
I pointed out that I hadn't betrayed her, and that I had caught lies since d-day, such as severity of PA details. It was a back and forth that went nowhere fast.
I offered to install it on my phone as well, but ended up uninstalling it from hers.
I don't feel good about this at all. Let her know that you will be watching her from now on AND WILL NOT TELL HER YOUR RESOURCES. THAT IS PRIVATE. You have a right to protect yourself from her destructive behavior. Stop acting like you did something wrong. You need to learn to be a better snooper. And STOP offering to put spyware on your phone, that is silly. you have not had an affair. Radical honesty DOES NOT APPLY TO ABUSE OR INFIDELITY.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You just need to be a better snooper. That is the only thing wrong here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Another setback. WW discovered web watcher due to a software glitch. She was upset. She didn't demand that I remove it but made it clear it was a problem. This has not been a good day. I know the flags that this throws.
She said that she was upset that I lied to her after we agreed to radical honesty. When she aked if I was reading her texts, I said no.
I pointed out that I hadn't betrayed her, and that I had caught lies since d-day, such as severity of PA details. It was a back and forth that went nowhere fast.
I offered to install it on my phone as well, but ended up uninstalling it from hers.
I don't feel good about this at all. Let her know that you will be watching her from now on AND WILL NOT TELL HER YOUR RESOURCES. THAT IS PRIVATE. You have a right to protect yourself from her destructive behavior. Stop acting like you did something wrong. You need to learn to be a better snooper. And STOP offering to put spyware on your phone, that is silly. you have not had an affair. Radical honesty DOES NOT APPLY TO ABUSE OR INFIDELITY. X100
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] I offered to install it on my phone as well, but ended up uninstalling it from hers. Did she get a new #? And do you have a plan to get more spyware on her phone?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. Did she agree to ALL the items on this list? Technical accountability means that she hides nothing from you on her devices. So having spyware on shouldn't upset her. I have to tell you Forged, this is classic for a serial cheater: They will show extreme remorse when caught, agree to everything that is asked of them and then will backslide over time. They cling to their IB and SSL (secret second lives). This is what Dr Harley talks about and this is what I experienced for myself. You need to be prepared for this reality and how you are going to handle it. Technical accountability is EASY compared to some of the other EPs so I am real worried about your situation.
Last edited by SusieQ; 11/03/16 09:34 AM.
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Another setback. WW discovered web watcher due to a software glitch. She was upset. She didn't demand that I remove it but made it clear it was a problem. This has not been a good day. I know the flags that this throws. It makes no sense that she would be upset about this unless she had something to hide. If reading her texts would clear her name, wouldn't that be a good thing? A guilty spouse always tries to condemn the BS for spying.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And I am sorry to tell you that I googled the situation with the doctor basically commenting that they could tell how long it's been since your W had sex by physical examination and what I saw online is that is not true.
I have never heard of that and thought it sounded weird.
This renews those feelings I had about a poly. With your WW being a serial cheater and not admitting to a full blown PA, I would just make sure you have the 100% truth about this affair and making sure there are no others.
A poly is a good first step to eliminating your WW's SSL.
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The ware gave her a sync failure notification which caused discovery.
I understand that I did not have an affair, but my benign neglect led her to the point of her bad decision. I did not cause the affair, but I did not prevent it either.
She willingly shares her phone with me, and we compare to the log to see if anything was deleted.
BTW, ware delete was unsuccessful. She has stopped texting it appears. That is good since she has been getting bad advice regularly. I will let it ride as is.
I checked phone log back to the only other contact WW had with OM, a kids party with OM granddaughter. There was no record of text or call to or from his number, or any other unidentified number since that time, prior to the declared start of a.
Last edited by Forgedfe; 11/03/16 09:51 AM.
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I understand that I did not have an affair, but my benign neglect led her to the point of her bad decision. I did not cause the affair, but I did not prevent it either You have a real problem on your hands and it has nothing to do with neglect and everything to do with a WS who has HORRIBLE boundaries with the OS. Your WW's A with this OM took off very fast. That's not really normal. It IS normal for a serial cheater however. If RADICAL changes are not made, this WILL happen again.
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She willingly shares her phone with me, and we compare to the log to see if anything was deleted. The fact that she "willingly shares" the phone does not mean very much. You can do things on the phone that will not show up on any "log" but will show up on spyware. Your WW is well aware of this fact. Forged, you need to wake up here real fast.
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You can do things on the phone that will not show up on any "log" but will show up on spyware. Imessages do not show up on the "phone log". Third party messaging apps will not show on the phone log. Logging into social media and looking at the OM's page will not show up on the phone log. The list goes on and on. The fact that she does NOT want spyware in and of itself is a reason for alarm, Forged. You need to wake up and start listening to us instead of spinning this to make it seem better in your head.
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The ware gave her a sync failure notification which caused discovery.
I understand that I did not have an affair, but my benign neglect led her to the point of her bad decision. I did not cause the affair, but I did not prevent it either. Oh no. What led to her affair was her poor boundaries with men. If she had not allowed another man to meet her needs, this would have never happened. This will continue happening unless this is addressed and resolved. "Neglect" causes bad marriages, it does not cause affairs. She willingly shares her phone with me, and we compare to the log to see if anything was deleted. That is good! However, anything she "willingly shares" is suspect. You need to have spyware on her phone that she doesn;'t know about. Anything she knows about helps her hide. BTW, ware delete was unsuccessful. She has stopped texting it appears. That is good since she has been getting bad advice regularly. I will let it ride as is. Good! And of course you should not tell her this. Radical honesty does not apply to infidelity or abuse. I checked phone log back to the only other contact WW had with OM, a kids party with OM granddaughter. There was no record of text or call to or from his number, or any other unidentified number since that time, prior to the declared start of a. WHEN did this happen? Even a wetbrain can work around this. She can just go and meet him. She can call him from a landline, she can get an "affair phone."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I understand that I did not have an affair, but my benign neglect led her to the point of her bad decision. I did not cause the affair, but I did not prevent it either. I would again assert that putting spyware on your phone completely misses the point. You have not had an affair. She is a SERIAL CHEATER.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I did not put ware on my phone. Please rest assured I am not spinning this, there is nothing good about this.
OM doesn't have a Facebook page, and didn't even know his criminal activity was online based on intercepted info on dday.
WW is not tech savvy, and has not cleared history or cache on computer. I am not sure she knows how. I will look at those things again this evening for accounts I don't recognize.
We do not have a landline, and I searched every inch of home and car for A phone, several times before dday and after.
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Is the webwatcher still in place?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Is the webwatcher still in place? In addition to this put a VAR in the house to see if she has a secret phone.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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VAR is how A#1 was busted. I will get a new smaller version tomorrow. Watcher is still watching. WW has not been texting. I gently demanded that she cease marital conversations with SIL and facili-SIL. We went over the EP checklist today, and she thought she was doing better than she really was. I pointed out that even though she has not to my knowledge contacted OM, she still listened to and considered advice from SIL that was contrary to the requirements of blocking communication and ensuring complete separation from OM.
I have made sure she was not alone all week, for safety and sanity. Tomorrow she is going to visit her mother while the kids are in school, since I have a Dr. appt and need to go to work.
Today, she produced a bag of tshirts, coats, hats and other rubbish that OM had given her. It went straight into the trash.
OM daughter responded to a question I asked the other day. I asked if she had mentioned to OM that she knew about A (because of my message) She said that OM had told her about the "ended" A before she read my message. I was surprised to hear that.
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