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Lin63 Offline OP
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We had a calm and quiet day. We went to town for a afternoon of shopping and lunch out. I admit to being withdrawn. He was extra demonstrative. We listened to mbradio and he initiated conversation about the topic.
The homework from Dr. Harley only addressed giving Craig information on IB. I was to tell him what the IB was, say it hurt me, Craig was to say "I'm Sorry" and what he would do to fix it.
Nothing more. His IB's are down to 1 a week from everyday.
This latest event actually triggered a response in Craig before I actually spoke. So his defensive response was already in play before I opened my mouth to mention the IB. That is HUGE information for me to process and I am working that process thru now. That is conversation and a thought process Craig has never shared. He responded first to my tense response to what he thought was his attempt to snuggle with me. I realize that I did do that, but not in response to his touch but rather in response to my fear of sharing the IB. We both acknowledge that we misinterpreted that physical response. We did discuss ways of dealing with those missteps. I can't tell you that original response had been alleviated if the next verbalization from me would have been the same. I did blurt out his IB in a rather cold format. Which I acknowledge was fear based. His verbal response was based on the initial rejection and compounded by my in his face verbalization. So we did make progress. Verbalization for Craig causes huge anxiety swings and withdrawal. I am beginning to understand he uses control to calm his anxiety. He is an acknowledged control freak. He does not process on the fly, Let me see how things go with this mornings discussion. I have to acknowledge that he needs his time to process. He knows the end result of not being able to meet my needs.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
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We just finished 3 hours of conversation. WE have agreed to modify the way I present IB missteps.
We are posting a white board on the wall directly opposite our bedroom door.
We will post a daily schedule and those things that are pertinent to the day including dates and times.
I will also post IB's on this board. I will only say he needs to address the board. He will then follow thru with Dr. Harleys requirement that an apology is given and plan for never letting it happen again. this eliminates the pressure of responding on the fly which catches him off guard. Which should decrease disrespectful judgements and any angry outbursts.
He asked that I provide a definition in writing of what I mean on the affection sheet. under "Tell me something sweet". He says he will get this down. He additionally needs praise from me when he gets it right!
After this conversation I then read the articles posted here out load on Just Compensation which include detailed information on Plan A and Plan B. This helped me as well.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
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Originally Posted by Lin63
When the time comes for Plan B. I will get it done. Again won't Dr. Harley counsel me when and if that time comes? He has not suggested that in any of his emails.

It's in his articles, though!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Lin63
When the time comes for Plan B. I will get it done.

When the time comes for Plan B you need to already have the preparations made so you can start your Plan B immediately.

You may never use the plans, but you need to have them.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Lin63 Offline OP
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Marko's what Dr. Harley wrote us was and is very clear to both of us. Craig has to get the IB deleted completely or we will end our marriage in divorce. I have prepared for plan B. That was what I did before I learned about a plan A. I know what will need to get done in order to move into plan B. Most likely I will move into Divorce as it will be clear he can't change his behavior. A plan B won't push him to change. He wants it to work for us now and he has got to get himself out of the fog and get moving.
I have a time line and it falls within the guidelines given within the articles given here on the forum.
You all here helped me gain enough strength and self confidence to push in as positive direction as possible. He has listened and recommitted. The man he is today is far different than the man I was married to for 36 yrs. Thank you all for being consistent and clear. It is far from over we have many hurdles left. Each day will be a challenge. Today however he has thrown down the stick and accepted the challenge with both feet.
He told me he will post here and ask for assistance but he is not ready. He is ready to stop all IB's and looks forward to fulfilling my most important basic needs. He has verbalized today more than ever.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
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Lin63 Offline OP
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Today was a tough day. I started my day with images of the affair. It has been getting better but today it haunted me all day.I cant seem to shake them.
It was last Monday that the last IB occurred. And Craig is working on verbalizing affection. He wants to know what is wrong and i just don't want to talk about it any more. Dr. Harley wrote today and reaffirmed my feelings and even that didn't cheer me. I read the posts of people trying for years and ending back here. I cant trust that things won't change and he will go back to all the old ways. I just get so down, and so sad and then resentful. Is this part of the healing process? Are there things i can do or ask for that will help.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Apr 2001
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Lin, why not read the success stories of those of us who used the program and have great marriages today? Of course people come back in bad shape when they don't use the program. You don't have to be like that. A great marriage does not happen by accident, but by design.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Lin63 Offline OP
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How do I find those stories.
I get so down and you all help me find courage and hope.
thank you


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted by Lin63
How do I find those stories.
I get so down and you all help me find courage and hope.
thank you

Almost every single person posting to you is in a happy recovered marriage! We are not posting our stories because we are busy helping people like you. The threads you read are from people who are in troubled marriages.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Lin63,

I have been reading your posts, but I don't write on here very often. Mel and the others always give advice that is spot on and I don't really have anything to add.

My H had an affair in 2007-08. It was awful, absolutely the worst experience of my life. We attended an MB weekend (back when people traveled to attend in person) and worked the coaching program. Today, we are absolutely in a recovered marriage, very much in love. We spend nearly all our time together and I very rarely think of the affair and if I do, it is fleeting and doesn't evoke any strong emotions.

Feel free to read my posts. Most of my story is in the recovery forum. Follow the program and your marriage and your feelings will be much improved.

Armymama



BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I want to add that you can read anyone's posts by left-clicking on their member name, and then clicking "view posts".

Once there, you can go back to see their first posts here on Marriage Builders (when most of us landed her with troubled marriages).


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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Lin63 Offline OP
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Thank you all
I will start reading your posts. I am so hopeful that will give me hope.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Jan 2010
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Lin, do you have the Marriage Builders app? Are you listening to the radio show, daily?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Lin63 Offline OP
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We do have the app. We listen to it at least once a week. But not daily.
I write Joyce every few days or as an IB occurs. They write me back weekly.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
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The radio show is another great source of encouragement.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Lin63 Offline OP
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Also I come to the forum every day, usually have it open to read all day. I came here when i am getting into a negative feedback loop, which is several times a day. You guys keep me from doing something stupid. Like searching for her facebook page to see if she has reposted her pictures. Or getting spun up with the visions in my head or what he might be thinking at the moment.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
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Lin63 Offline OP
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Thank you for posting all of this information. I am currently struggling with WS and porn addiction of maybe 50 years. I know for sure of 26 yrs worth. We are together 24/7 and I am monitoring. He is enthusiastic about stopping and he has had only a couple missteps since June, However our lovemaking has declined to zero and he says he just doesn't have any desire and isn't masturbating or looking at porn.
I am struggling with all the usual not worthy and what am I doing wrong feelings. The emotions are so painful,
Anyone with thoughts on restoring intimacy will be helpful. Dr. Harley has given us a plan I am waiting to see what WS response is to that plan.

Last edited by Ariel; 11/08/16 01:23 PM.

Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
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Lin63 Offline OP
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I need help. I listened all day to the clips from Dr. Harley, I searched the internet. Here is my problem. I don't know what I should do to regain sexual intimacy.
We have been recovering from the affairs, He is attentive, supportive, affectionate, He has shared more and more of this career and his childhood. He tells me he used porn and masturbation early. He was never secretive about porn. Just believed it wasn't a big deal. Dr Harley's paper turned his head.
Now we are a few months into the withdrawal and he has no desire or interest at all. It is not him but me who is having the difficulty. I am needing the SF and don't know how to encourage him. He has spoken to his Dr. and taken a blood test. Dr. Harley has suggested we commit to sex 3 times a week. But how on earth do we do that when he isn't interested and I don't know what I can do to assist with that. I don't want to make it worse.

Last edited by Ariel; 11/08/16 01:25 PM.

Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 298
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Posts moved here. Please stick to your own thread.

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Lin63 Offline OP
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Sorry Ariel, I did not understand I shouldn't post on the other thread.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
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