Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
Hi all,

I am new to all this so bear with me!

I am not actually married but am in a relationship 7 years. I am currently 27 my girlfriend is 23. We obviously started dating very young especially on her side. I found out 2 years ago through a friend that there were rumors she had been with other people around our small town. I addressed the issue straight away with her and she broke down and admitted to kissing 5 guys over the course a 1 year period. Nothing progressed past this stage (rumors went further) but I could barely stand. She begged for forgiveness and said she has decided to put this period behind her and had committed to us and knew my knowing would be catastrophic for me (very emotional) and thought the best course of action was to say nothing as it never progressed beyond kissing. (I agree with this I think).

Now for context, she had attempted to go on a break twice early in that year she cheated (had kissed one guy before this) but I broke down and begged and persuaded her to stay, she was 20/21 at this stage. Another kiss happened soon after this. I then in my crazy mindset decided getting proposed was a great idea, to in essence keep her and have her as mine forever, when she realized this was about to happen on a family holiday (she sensed something was up) she told me and told me it was a crazy time to do this considering her age/ not in a great place etc. She was obviously right but I was all over the place. That summer then directly after this incident she was based in her home and I was away with work. She kissed 3 guys in that month. Everytime she ever kissed anyone she would leave the situation straight away and hate herself. This was big for me as it showed me it wasnt sex, emotional affair she was after, just struck me as to what her mind must have been like (all over the place).

That September we decided to start a life where I worked and we agreed to move in together, she had decided around this that this relationship was what she wanted and her life was with me and that these drink fueled mistakes had to stop. I never mentioned the fact she was very drunk on every occasion.

It has now been 2 years since I found out, 3 years since incidents but I still refer back to it in my head all the time. She literally couldn't have done anymore, she went to therapy, gave me every detail imaginable, contacted each guy and told them the situation (she had done this after every kiss too to let them know it was a drunk mistake) and has been the model girlfriend.

I guess what I'm looking for is advice on how to move on? Do people agree this is a very forgivable situation given her age, level of infidelity, drink fueled etc?, do I just need to grow up and acknowledge how good things are now, or am I underplaying (thats what the negative side of me thinks. I also struggle with seeing these guys when I'm home (ego driven I think).

Thanks in advance for any advice I really appreciate it.


Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Even though it is common to think otherwise,

There is a huge difference between Marriage and Living Together.

You were willing to marry her, but she was not willing to marry you. She was not ready to commit at that point and she made it clear.

Time has passed...and it's time to get married or cut ties.

Does she still drink? She isn't marriage material if she is a drinker who behaves terribly while drinking.

The only way to get past memories out is to replace them with better ones. If she is still drinking, then you will obviously live in fear that she will do this again. The problem of the past has not been resolved.

Keep in mind, that legally, she was under no obligation to be faithful to you. You gave her little choice to be honest, since when she tried to separate, you fought her hard. It is not a bad thing to fight hard, but that is better done after marriage, not while dating or living together.

Don't have kids until you are married.



Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
I would strongly recommend that you purchase Dr. Harley's book "Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders" and read it intently. It is very affordable but the wisdom is worth far more.

https://store.marriagebuilders.com/...revolving-door-romance-into-lasting-love


You can also get personal advice and/or a free book by emailing Dr. Harley.

MB Radio page link

Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209

You might also find this interesting.

Article about Living Together

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
Thanks for the reply.

I think the big issue around the marriage proposal is that I was no where near ready maturity wise etc to get married either it was a panicky impulsive response to her wanting a break.

She has since committed herself 100% to us and marriage in the future, but for now we want to enjoy each others company and ensure with a higher sense of maturity in our relationship (she is still only 23!) we can grow towards marriage in the next 3/4 years.

She does still drink but not like before, it was no doubt a way out of her head in the past, and she obviously was in a bad place mentally during all this (wanted a break, one partner all her life, trapped etc).

A huge part of my forgiveness and wanting to make this work is the fact she is by by far the greatest thing to have ever happened to me and I really feel 100% this will not happen again, we talk about how in some ways it is good this happened when we were so young as it means we learned tough lessons early before anything 1) serious happened
2)before kids/marriage

Am I correct in taking solace in the fact she never progressed beyond kissing even in this dark place she was in at the time? She obviously needed a break from us at the time but never went past that stage, which makes me feel despite her cheating it was down to drink/ a confused state of what she wanted in life. Is forgiving kissing 5 people in this state of mind/time of her life/situation something most would forgive??

She now feels if I cant leave this behind after 2 years (She has been patient the whole time) then she needs to leave the relationship, so its now or never really I guess on my side. I love her so much but struggle with this all the time

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
Thank you very much I will

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,148
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,148
Maybe you can read some of the materials on this site and decide to use them to build a great marriage with her or anyone.
Once you are married, going out without your spouse is a bad idea, as you have experienced.
Try spending lots of quality time together and do fun things and see if your bad feelings disappear. If they don't, don't make yourself and her unhappy by staying together. But if you do stay together, quit talking about these in incidents. Just make sure that if dou do marry, you affairproof your marriage.


me, DH
all the children
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
Thanks for the reply happyheart, Its time to just quit bringing these incidents up and move on, the majority of our relationship has been great, especially the last 2 years and she always refers how much her mindset has changed and that she feels alot better in herself which is great, just time for me to catch up and leave this in the past.
The majority of my friends have said that these incidents were very forgivable given the circumstances and how it stopped at kissing. Would you/the forum agree?
I guess I got hung up on the number of people but the fact it never progressed very far showed it was more than just looking for an alternative partner (why not progress further?/have an affair etc).Again does this logic make sense to the wider audience of the forum?
Thanks for the all the help I really appreciate it smile

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
You would both benefit from spending time dating others (dating, nobody said sleeping with) and see if it's really the right match.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,148
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,148
You may find some of Dr Harleys Q&A columns very helpful:
http://marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

There is also information in these columns about choosing the right one to marry and so on.


me, DH
all the children
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
From a quick overview of the forum on the book above my situation would make it seem my girlfriend is a buyer? ie she is made a massive effort to salvage the relationship and make up for her mistakes? would that be accurate?

Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 275
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by tothefuture
From a quick overview of the forum on the book above my situation would make it seem my girlfriend is a buyer? ie she is made a massive effort to salvage the relationship and make up for her mistakes? would that be accurate?

Hi Future,
No one is really a true buyer until you buy smile Married.

You can demonstrate the willingness to be one, and follow rules to govern buying but really- you both will stay renters until you marry. (This is one of the problems with long term living together as you unavoidably become entrenched in renting)

Yes, she has made massive effort and only you know if it has been enough for you. After 2 years, I would also say, get over it or lets move on!

If its worth saving: you two meet each others emotional needs easy, no real lovebusters, you two put extraordinary precautions into place and she shows she is willing to live by the Policy of Enthusiastic Agreement and one day become a true buyer by marrying you.... then yes, I believe even Dr. would say keep her! (He would also encourage you to marry so you don't become renters for to long)

You really should buy the book. It isn't to long, has great dating advice and I have found them online for a dollar before!
I think if you read it, it will set your mind at ease for staying with your girlfriend or even decided to break up- but one way or another it will really help you!


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
Here is a radio Clip that Dr. Harley gives advice for a an enagaged couple. What do you think?
Radio Clip


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 61 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82
71,727 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,728
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5