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I am so pleased DD spoke out. Although I imagine when I pick her up today she is not going to be very happy I didn’t come and get her!!

I still feel like I am wallowing and looking for signs!

Is this normal 7 weeks after he left?

I seem to be getting weaker not stronger? I mean I am not in a crying heap every day but I seem to be thinking a lot about reconciliation rather than moving on?!!

Out for dinner today with work friends....will be a nice change.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I seem to be getting weaker not stronger? I mean I am not in a crying heap every day but I seem to be thinking a lot about reconciliation rather than moving on?!!

Your brain has to process the trauma one bit at a time at its own speed. Look at is as a remapping process, just like grieving a death. Pondering reconciliation is part of that process as is thinking about whether you made the right decision.

I remember being told that I would know I was on the road to recovery when I wanted to thank the Fat Slag. That did happen.


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Originally Posted by living_well
I remember being told that I would know I was on the road to recovery when I wanted to thank the Fat Slag. That did happen.

LOL - Too funny!!

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I had a babysitter booked for a few hours last night and went for dinner with a girl friend at work.

I dropped DS off at football practice and then BF dropped him back home. DS told BF that I had a babysitter and was going out for dinner. Apparently BF got mad and made some comment saying about me probably going out for dinner with another man and DS said he got all jealous so told him he is probably out with one of her girlfriends Dad.

I am also getting a lot of pressure through the kids about not responding to text messages/calls ect...

I was feeling really good about things this morning and very strong and not feeling guilty AT ALL about blocking phone contact. Also at peace that unless he meets the terms of the letter then there is no point as it wont work anyway!

I had a chat with my babysitter when I got home, it was like she had been on a MB course or something and was spouting out exactly what you guys have been saying. That I shouldn't have anything to do with him and that the ball is in court and he knows what he has to do. She was laughing at some of his antics.

Then got these messages through from IM;

1. BF heard that you had babysitter and that DS asked BF why Daddy wasn't looking after them and DS was upset. That BF would like to babysit the kids when I go out.

2. He would like to take both kids to Wembley to watch football on Sunday 5 April and have them overnight the night before.

Can't help but feel upset, we had flights booked for the Caribbean on the 4th April. Also I haven't sat down and done the schedule yet. I am thinking like Living_Well said just agree and don't let him needle me. I would love to respond actually we are off to the Caribbean so can't....LOL.

Also is he saying that everytime I go out that he should have the kids overnight or come to the house????? This is ridiculous because I go out after I have put them to bed and I am with them in the morning when they wake up.

ARRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Maybe it is happening. Maybe he is realising I am serious now and getting annoyed.



Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 02/27/20 05:49 AM.
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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
He would like to take both kids to Wembley to watch football on Sunday 5 April and have them overnight the night before.

Can't help but feel upset, we had flights booked for the Caribbean on the 4th April. Also I haven't sat down and done the schedule yet. I am thinking like Living_Well said just agree and don't let him needle me. I would love to respond actually we are off to the Caribbean so can't....LOL.

Don't roll over and don't let him needle you either. Wait till you have talked to the solicitor tomorrow. At this time you do not know whether the holiday is even possible because you do not know that you can prevent him from showing up. If it is workable, you will calmly sit the children down and let them decide which they would like to do. I'm guessing holiday which means IM will relay 'sorry, not available'.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Also is he saying that everytime I go out that he should have the kids overnight or come to the house????? This is ridiculous because I go out after I have put them to bed and I am with them in the morning when they wake up.

Tell your IM not to relay silly stuff to you.


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Thanks Living Well

In all honesty if I take the kids away for a week he will probably want to do the same! I am not sure I can cope with that right now. At least whilst I am in Plan B it will be short breaks.

I guess I will just have to let this trip go. Anyway his emails in my mind are only in response to him thinking I was out with a man last night. He did the same thing last time I went out.

First day I have spent thinking how much longer do I want to do this waiting for him? I am in the mind that he is too stubborn and too unhappy with the relationship with me to make the effort. Plus he has hurt me/the kids too much.

I am sitting on the fence about him at the moment.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 02/27/20 12:13 PM.
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I am really hacked off tonight.

I am sick of packing an overnight bag for my kids. They are away tomorrow night and won’t see them all day Saturday. I am so upset about this. My DD doesn’t even want to go.

I also am ashamed to say I lost it in front of the kids today. I had a real wave of the other woman and how angry that BF has been meeting up with her. I don’t even know how long he was seeing her for. Then DS said Mummy why won’t you answer Daddy’s calls and I let rip telling them how Daddy has been taking another woman out. I apologised to them both later but did say Daddy has really hurt Mummy.

It’s the only time it’s happened frown

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Sorry me again. I am hurting tonight.

Realisation of what a mess it all is. Facing the reality of how desperate I was to have a loving family and husband and how I was living an absolute lie. It couldn’t be further from the truth.

Feeling like I am totally checking out.

2 years of poor treatment, no love or affection or care. Telling me how unhappy he has been. Listening to him and trying everything but getting nowhere. Ending in an affair. With no remorse just justification. Just more actions on his part to get me to capitulate and back down. Thinking I am going out with other men when I still feel like this would be cheating on him and my children. Crying daily and thinking when is the pain going to be over. Dreading the first time he takes my children away from me for a holiday, thinking what did I do to deserve this?

I look around and see no one amongst my peers being treated this way.

Want to pack the rest of his stuff up tell him to come and collect it. Still trying to be the nice guy agreeing to all his requests.

I am having my own pity party tonight. Sorry I just need to wallow.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 02/27/20 04:06 PM.
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The fact that he never really loved me at all....

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
The fact that he never really loved me at all....


Channel your inner terrier. His problem. He knows what he has to do.


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Terrier it is then!

Been to see solicitors.

1. He can’t kick me out of house. He would have to prove I am an unfit mother and get a court order to do that.

2. If BF decided he wanted joint custody that it would be very unlikely that he would get it. As I have been the primary carer it would be in the interests of the children to remain with me most of the time.

3. If the house was sold I would get a 50/50 split as I am a joint owner. This is regardless of how much has been spent since we have been in the house.

Feeling a lot better about things gives me a peace of mind about children and home.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 02/28/20 09:14 AM.
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Still worrying like mad about cutting off contact with BS. I think him catching me on the doorstep, sending pictures and then telling me that he was ill are all ways for him to try and communicate with me. Then if he starts any relationship talk I can say ‘are you willing to meet the terms of the letter?’

Just something I picked up from Mimi & Mortarmans thread.



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come out for a friends leaving do at work. Really don’t feel it at all and forced myself to go.

Normally Fridays were end of the week family night. They use to be BFs favourite night of the week frown

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Terrier it is then!

Excellent, you get an extra biscuit tonight.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Been to see solicitors.

1. He can’t kick me out of house. He would have to prove I am an unfit mother and get a court order to do that.

Makes sense, can you remain till the youngest is 18 if you wish to?

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
2. If BF decided he wanted joint custody that it would be very unlikely that he would get it. As I have been the primary carer it would be in the interests of the children to remain with me most of the time.

Good

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
3. If the house was sold I would get a 50/50 split as I am a joint owner. This is regardless of how much has been spent since we have been in the house.

If you do not feel he is making progress in meeting your terms, you may prefer to go that route.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Feeling a lot better about things gives me a peace of mind about children and home.

Of course you do. Did solicitor say anything about what you might do if he tried to move back in?


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Hi Living Well

Forgot to ask solicitor last question. He won’t try and move back in. At least I can’t see that happening.

Happy Friday everyone..!


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I really didn’t enjoy going out tonight. Made me miss BF and the kids more. It was a horrible night here in the UK, sat in a restaurant with all my work colleagues mostly men. It just felt weird and odd. Still I went and made the effort and got out.

Can’t ever imagining being together with BF again. Just want to put the memory in a bottle and not let go.

Still will never understand what turned him. He was so in love with me and at some point he turned.

Missing my kids tonight, will miss their cuddles in the morning.

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I know that you're reading some other posts here and are confused by whether you should be in contact off and on.

I think that you need to go away from him to the point of not seeing him at all. Never talk to him.

That being said, I wonder what Dr. Harley would say about the posts you're reading versus your situation. Maybe they weren't following Dr. Harley's plan? Or maybe they were, but they had a different situation? Maybe he would even suggest that you follow their lead? Can you ask Dr. Harley for clarification?

Thank you so much for your warm words on my post. They mean so much to me. I'm sorry your weather is crappy out there. Being outside is so much better than being inside.

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The best thing you can do, CB, is to institute a dark Plan B and wait this out. Your Plan B is more of a Plan C, and Plan C is a disaster for you. The whole point of Plan B is to gain some peace of mind and to maintain whatever love you have for your wayward partner.

Plug up the holes in your Plan B. Block his messages; that way you won't be triggered by seeing them. You also won't be upset when you don't see a text; you won't be wondering why he hasn't texted you, because the avenues of communication to you are closed. The only way he can communicate is through your IM. Your IM should only pass along specific, relevant information regarding the children and finances. You need to let your children know it hurts you to have them pass along messages from their dad. Tell them to let him know that if he needs to communicate anything to you, it must be through your IM.

If you continue in Plan C, you are going to be nervous wreck. Are you on antidepressants? If not, Dr. Harley often recommends them in the short term, just to help calm your mind while you make decisions and rebuild your life without your partner.

Should your partner want to return to you, he knows what he will have to do. Meanwhile, go dark. Do some nice things for yourself. Try to avoid brooding and hoping. People who have successfully used Plan B for peace for themselves train themselves to avoid even thinking about the wayward partner.


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Thanks LWFH

DS asked BF today if you and Mum will be back together by my birthday, BF said I don’t think so son. Then DS asked if we would ever get back together and BF answered I don’t think so son.

OMG.

I guess that’s it then.

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I am going to get some anti depressants next week to see me through. It’s only what I have known for a long time.

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