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I am going to speak to the solicitor about it Thursday about the head banging incident.

Kids came back from Dads on Thursday evening. BF cried on the Wednesday when they arrived and cried on the Thursday when they left. He also got DS to text me on the Thursday asking if they could stay longer. I sent a polite message back to DS saying that I would like to stick to the schedule.

When I picked them up from BFs they seemed quite angry saying to me why couldn’t we stay at Dads longer. DS also had an outburst saying I am a control freak, i found out that this is what BF had called me. I know all of this behaviour is because they have been manipulated by BF. I am getting good at the transition back from Dads. I usually take them for an ice cream let them vent and don’t get drawn into any discussions/accusations. Then the next day they are fine.

I haven't seen or spoken to BF for a few weeks now. Still feeling strong. I know that BF does not like the schedule at all. This is the consequence of his decision. I know he is also panicking that DS is not getting enough football training. Another consequence.

Feeling so sad it’s come to this and it all feels too far away to get back.

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Here we have a mandatory parenting class during divorce where one of the many things they discuss is how kids like routines and try to stick to the schedules. Do you have a mandatory class like that as part of your process? You’re not being a control freak you’re bringing stability and predictability.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Here we have a mandatory parenting class during divorce where one of the many things they discuss is how kids like routines and try to stick to the schedules. Do you have a mandatory class like that as part of your process? You’re not being a control freak you’re bringing stability and predictability.


Thanks New. I was trying to portray more that BF was making digs about me in front of the children. There have been other derogatory comments about me that have come back via the children. I have just chosen to ignore and hope he will get bored.

Had a really few days in Plan B mainly due to lack of needling by BF. He has gone really dark on me. He has even hardly contacted the children. He has sent DS 2 messages on his iPod in 6 days. He didn’t even try to call, in the end I got the children to ring him.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 02/16/21 12:42 PM.
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Yes that’s really bad for them when a parent is making digs, maybe you want to look into counseling after the pandemic to give them some support through this. I have a well intended friend who made her DD call her mentally ill dad and when she was grown she shared she resented she didn’t respect her efforts to minimize her contact. If it’s not in the parenting schedule maybe it’s okay to let your DS go without calling? He doesn’t sound pleasant for the kids.


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Thanks New and for your continued support.

It is always such a minefield these situations working out what best to do for the children. They have been with me for 6 days and not once have they asked to contact dad.

My son is flourishing without BF living with us/being around. It’s like I am watching this beautiful awakening happening. Honestly I can’t describe how great it is. He has gotten a little chubbier (he was so skinny before) he hardly ever if ever misbehaves, he laughs all the time and he is glowing.

Grateful.

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Hi all

Just got a message from IM, BF is asking if when he picks up children tomorrow at 330 whether he can take son football training for an hour and then come back for DD at 430.

What do you think!?

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Hi all

Just got a message from IM, BF is asking if when he picks up children tomorrow at 330 whether he can take son football training for an hour and then come back for DD at 430.

What do you think!?


Stick to the agreed visitation. You do not want him to get the idea that this is a way to get you to communicate with him. Have you got a written agreement? If not, you might want to send that through IM. It will be useful for the court too.


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Thanks LW.

I thought as much. I said no to his request stating I would like to stick to schedule.

Children were with BF all day Weds & Thurs and they are with him all this weekend frown.

It’s really awful, and I feel for them so much having to come and go between houses. It’s exhausting for them.

I am not wallowing I am keeping myself busy with walks, bike rides and house stuff. I went on a socially distanced walk a girlfriend who I hadn’t seen in awhile. I didn’t talk about BF at all and when she asked something I just said, I don’t really want to talk about it as I don’t have contact with him anymore. It felt good.

Opened up our mortgage statement this morning and found that BF had been paying off huge chunks of the mortgage during last year. It’s such bizarre behaviour, on one hand he seemed to pull away on the other hand he wouldn’t be paying extra off the mortgage if he wanted to move on. So weird. It makes me think more and more it was a power play for him about having control and me be the one begging him to come home. Also had a call from a builder following up about a balcony extension. Apparently he wanted to start that too but he never told me about it either. Such crazy confusing behaviour!

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings

Opened up our mortgage statement this morning and found that BF had been paying off huge chunks of the mortgage during last year. It’s such bizarre behaviour, on one hand he seemed to pull away on the other hand he wouldn’t be paying extra off the mortgage if he wanted to move on. So weird. It makes me think more and more it was a power play for him about having control and me be the one begging him to come home. Also had a call from a builder following up about a balcony extension. Apparently he wanted to start that too but he never told me about it either. Such crazy confusing behaviour!


Never attempt to rationalise the behaviour of an addict. All it will do is give you a headache :-)


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BF is managing to drive me crazy and that’s even without any contact. His quest to needle / provoke me is to such an extent that when the children come back from his I just wait for them to tell me ‘something’.

Today the children said - Mummy your not going to be upset are you but Daddy has booked the zoo hotel for us in June. Now I took the children on my own last year and we had the most amazing 2 days were wonderful things happened. When BF and I reconciled I told him all about it and we even talked about booking it again.

Now I should perhaps be thinking that isn’t it good he is doing nice things with the kids? Instead all I can think is he knew how much I wanted us all to go back as a family. Now he is taking the kids back without me frown

Someone please tell me why he seems to be doing lots of things that I asked him to do before we split up and now he is doing them?

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No matter what I say or do I just feel totally broken. I am nowhere near as bad as I am last year but I am just so so sad.

I am devastated at what he has done to us, I find even more bizarre that he would do things to provoke me on top of the pain I already have.

Even more bizarre that this is part of me still pangs for him which is even worse than everything else.

I feel he has abandoned us and also continues to punish me.

He also publicly shames us, he couldn’t have moved anymore central and from what I gather is publicly posting regularly on Facebook about his ‘wonderful new single life’.

BF never forgave his Dad for leaving his mum (his mum also had angry outbursts) and his mum attempted suicide after his father left. Yet I ended the relationship due to drugs, alchohol, cheating and angry outbursts and he punishes me for doing so. He was so angry with his dad that he wouldn’t talk to him for years. Yet he is behaving far worse.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings

Even more bizarre that this is part of me still pangs for him which is even worse than everything else.

That means you still have some love for him. Plan B is intended to protect what love you have left so that if he pulls himself together you can decide to take him back if you so decide.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings

He also publicly shames us, he couldn’t have moved anymore central and from what I gather is publicly posting regularly on Facebook about his ‘wonderful new single life’.

Pliug that hole in your Plan B today. You should not know this.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings

VBF never forgave his Dad for leaving his mum (his mum also had angry outbursts) and his mum attempted suicide after his father left. Yet I ended the relationship due to drugs, alchohol, cheating and angry outbursts and he punishes me for doing so. He was so angry with his dad that he wouldn’t talk to him for years. Yet he is behaving far worse.

Pretty text book stuff. He is recreating the trauma of his childhood in the hope that he can create a different outcome.


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I have been doing really well.

Then at the weekend I goofed.

I had really missed him for some reason this past week.

He turned up at the house on Mother’s Day all sad and crying.

I let him come in the house and have a cup of tea. Then he went off not another word and now I am feeling upset again.

I hate this constant pit of pain.

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I can’t believe I have let him do it to me again

I was so so strong too, even to a place where I didn’t actually want him back

Now he has come back into the house for a fix, and gone again

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I have realised that he is really not interested in me at all

That all he really wants to know is if I am there if he doesn’t get a better option elsewhere

Horrific

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Cool honey I’m glad you posted. You just need a plan of action, what to do the next time you want to let him in when he’s sad and crying. Maybe you want to read your Plan B letter first. Or call a friend. Maybe call one of his relatives to come for him if you’re worried for him. What do you think?


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Thank you for taking time to respond New.

I was getting to a really good place.

I am not sure what happened.

He had a melt down this past week. He has stalked me a couple of times and showed up. He went over the top for Mother’s Day - guilt? Texting my mother, put a social media post up about me which he hasn’t done in years.

I guess I should have said to him what are you doing here? You need to leave?

It has left the kids and I incredibly confused and churned up.

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