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#3015362 05/26/21 08:22 AM
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I am 34 years old male and living in India. I am married for 6 years and have two children. Before marriage my wife told me that she was in a relationship but was not in love with the guy. the guy was younger in age. they were in relationship for 3 years.
she celebrated many things with him. one day I saw pic of her in her cell phone and asked her where this pic was taken and with whom she was. she said it was in some Mall and my friend was with me and after many days after our engagement I came to know that she was with that guy at that night on her birthday but she again lied to me. After repeated inquiries she confessed that guy was with her. it struck my mind and I was in pain. she might have told me other lies about their relationship.
but she said she had told me everything and she was not lying.
One day the guy called her and she gave the phone to me and I told him that we are going to marry and don't call her again. he tried to malign her on facebook but we deleted our fb id's. after so many years of marriage those things again come in between us and her past is again haunting me. and I am completely devastated. Don't know what to do. Main thing that bother me is not the relationship but the lies on which the relationship stands that I don't like... kindly guide me what should I do........

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help me out....

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Originally Posted by Parm
after so many years of marriage those things again come in between us and her past is again haunting me. and I am completely devastated. Don't know what to do. Main thing that bother me is not the relationship but the lies on which the relationship stands that I don't like... kindly guide me what should I do........
Welcome to MB.

Has something happened that make those things come up again between you? Why is this coming up now, after years of marriage?

What do you mean by lies? You said that she told you about the man before you got married. What lies have you now discovered?


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we both are doing job in same place.. one day I was going by her place of work and I saw her on cell phone talking to someone. She saw me and disconnected the call and came to me, I asked her with whom she was talking and she said our old maid called her about some issues. I said ok but with lok of her face I was sure it was not maid and I again asked her what she repeatedly sadi it was maid no one else. After few days she told me by herself she was talking to her colleague and she lied to me because if she had told me the truth than there would be quarrel between us... Few days back my in laws came at home but due to my busy schedule I was not able to talk much with them. After they went home I got late at night from party, she started doubting me that I was with some girls at night. I told her each and everything I did at that night but she was not ready to accept and that was the time the past things came in between us which went on. I was with 3 of my friends. first time she defended herself on that part and said that she was wrong in choosing her love at start of our relationship she should have chosen her self respect....
She told me about the man she was with. what she told me about their relationship looks manipulated to me. By looking at their fb conversations it look like healthy relationship but she always said it was not a good one and the guy was a drug addict....

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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by Parm
after so many years of marriage those things again come in between us and her past is again haunting me. and I am completely devastated. Don't know what to do. Main thing that bother me is not the relationship but the lies on which the relationship stands that I don't like... kindly guide me what should I do........
Welcome to MB.

Has something happened that make those things come up again between you? Why is this coming up now, after years of marriage?

What do you mean by lies? You said that she told you about the man before you got married. What lies have you now discovered?
kindly reply sugar cane....

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I'm sorry but I'm having difficulty following what you are saying.

You were suspicious when she was on the phone. She told you that she was talking to a former maid, which you doubted, and later she said it wasn't the maid, it was a colleague.

I'm not sure whether this colleague is the former boyfriend.

Later, you had a fight about your coming home late from a party, and this turned into things being said about the former boyfriend. Is that correct?

I cannot follow what you say here, especially the underlined sentence:

Originally Posted by Parm
first time she defended herself on that part and said that she was wrong in choosing her love at start of our relationship she should have chosen her self respect....
She told me about the man she was with. what she told me about their relationship looks manipulated to me. By looking at their fb conversations it look like healthy relationship but she always said it was not a good one and the guy was a drug addict....
1. Is she still in contact with him on FB?

2. Are you unhappy about the fact that she is still in contact with him today, or are you more unhappy about the fact that she lied about how much she loved him years ago?

3. Does he work in the same place as you two? If not, is there any way that they could be having face-to-face contact?

Basically, she needs to end all contact with this man, but you might have trouble persuading her to do that.




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no she has not contacts with him...I am unhappy that she told me lies about their relationship that she was not in love with him. he not working here... The colleague is not former boyfriend,he is from her department.
yes this is correct coming late in night turned into things about past boyfriend..
the things at the start of our relationship about her boyfriend that was there when this all started looked manipulated to me..
She told me that she didn't love him but she had told him that one day she will love him.
they were in touch at that time, when I proposed her she told me that she couldn't leave him

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Now they are not in touch.She never talked about him. the main thing that hurts me is not their relation but the lies she told me to start relation with me.... that really hurt..
but she never admits that she ever lied.

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Originally Posted by Parm
no she has not contacts with him...I am unhappy that she told me lies about their relationship that she was not in love with him. he not working here... The colleague is not former boyfriend,he is from her department.
yes this is correct coming late in night turned into things about past boyfriend..
the things at the start of our relationship about her boyfriend that was there when this all started looked manipulated to me..
She told me that she didn't love him but she had told him that one day she will love him.
they were in touch at that time, when I proposed her she told me that she couldn't leave him

Are you suspicious of this colleague?

And you're upset that she lied about her feelings of her 3 year relationship with her ex-boyfriend. Is that correct? You don't believe her when she says that she didn't love him, even though they were in a relationship for 3 years. Am I understanding you correctly?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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yes correct for both...

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Originally Posted by Parm
yes correct for both...
Do you have any spyware on your wife's devices?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Parm
Now they are not in touch.She never talked about him. the main thing that hurts me is not their relation but the lies she told me to start relation with me.... that really hurt..
but she never admits that she ever lied.
I don't understand what you are trying to achieve by getting her to say that she was in love with the boyfriend. What will you do if she changes her story and says that yes, she loved him? Would you end your marriage over the lie?


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it's not about ending the marriage... its about the pain I feel when I have thoughts of these things... that really hurts me.. Ending marriage is not the solution at this time...

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Originally Posted by Parm
it's not about ending the marriage... its about the pain I feel when I have thoughts of these things... that really hurts me.. Ending marriage is not the solution at this time...

and neither is SugarCane suggesting that is what you should do. She is saying the opposite; she is saying where are you going with this?

Dr Harley's advice in your situation is to work on your marriage. You are dwelling on something you cannot change for no useful purpose. Most people do not marry their first love, usually because he or she would have been an unsuitable life partner.

Once you have used the techniques on this site to bring romantic love back into your marriage, neither of you will care about what happened before you found one another.

But if you suspect that there is something going on with the work colleague, you need to find that out first. Do not ask her, just start monitoring her communications and tracking her movements. We can help you but she must not find out. You are perfectly entitled to do this (she is equally entitled to do this to you) but unless you do it secretly, you will never know the truth.


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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by Parm
it's not about ending the marriage... its about the pain I feel when I have thoughts of these things... that really hurts me.. Ending marriage is not the solution at this time...

and neither is SugarCane suggesting that is what you should do. She is saying the opposite; she is saying where are you going with this?

Dr Harley's advice in your situation is to work on your marriage. You are dwelling on something you cannot change for no useful purpose. Most people do not marry their first love, usually because he or she would have been an unsuitable life partner.

Once you have used the techniques on this site to bring romantic love back into your marriage, neither of you will care about what happened before you found one another.

But if you suspect that there is something going on with the work colleague, you need to find that out first. Do not ask her, just start monitoring her communications and tracking her movements. We can help you but she must not find out. You are perfectly entitled to do this (she is equally entitled to do this to you) but unless you do it secretly, you will never know the truth.
thanks for advice.I am in need of such help...

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yesterday while reading book His needs her needs... She answered question about sexuality and affection... she gave me 3/10 for affection an 2/10 for sexual satisfaction. it was totally a night mere for me.. when I again read the question she said its 8/10 when she is involved otherwise 5/10... what is this pointing for...

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Originally Posted by Parm
yesterday while reading book His needs her needs... She answered question about sexuality and affection... she gave me 3/10 for affection an 2/10 for sexual satisfaction. it was totally a night mere for me.. when I again read the question she said its 8/10 when she is involved otherwise 5/10... what is this pointing for...

Why is this a nightmare. You should be glad firstly that she is reading the book with you and secondly that she is being honest. How would you be able to get the romance back into your marriage if you did not know what areas to work on? Thank her for being truthful and get down to work..

How is the spying going? Al the effort you put in will be wasted if there is another man in her life.


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but how is this possible I have done everything to make our love memorable. its fine that she is truthfull but how this can be possible.
Spying is going well. just started...

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Originally Posted by Parm
yesterday while reading book His needs her needs... She answered question about sexuality and affection... she gave me 3/10 for affection an 2/10 for sexual satisfaction. it was totally a night mere for me.. when I again read the question she said its 8/10 when she is involved otherwise 5/10... what is this pointing for...
I don't understand what you're saying here. What does "8/10 when she is involved otherwise 5/10" mean?

Did you mean to say "8/10 when she is in the mood and 5/10 when she is not in the mood" or something similar? - in other words, when she is turned on sex for her is good, but when she you fail to turn her on, for her it is so-so?

If that's what she means, you need to talk to her and try to find out what makes the difference between her being turned on, and her being uninterested. You really need to know this, because you cannot work on the problem if you don't understand it.

When you talk to her, you need to lose the tone you have with us, where you appear to be so dismayed, and where you ask "how this can be possible?" The thing is, it IS possible because she's telling you it is so. If you act with outrage, or great dismay, or disbelief because you have done "everything to make your love memorable", you are, in effect, doubting her word, and telling her that she is being silly. You're saying that if she's really feeling the way she says she is, she is a fool, because she has no right to feel that way after all the things you do for her. That kind of reaction will discourage her from being honest with you and you will never learn how to solve the problem.

I suspect that this is the pattern in your marriage. You believe you're doing a great job as a husband because you have you own ideas about what makes a great husband, and you feel you check all the boxes. However, you are not getting the impression from her that she is in love with you and would rather be with you than anybody else on earth. You want to feel passionate love from her (as we all do from our spouse), and she gives off an air of indifference, and you are forming the impression that she has loved someone more than you.

Well, as living_well pointed out to you, past loves do not matter, because you are here today and you can create deep romantic love through your day-to-day interactions; real things that you do today are so much more powerful than a memory. However, a current flame or affair partner is a threat to your marriage. With an affair, you are not just competing with a memory, you are competing with someone who is actively filling her love bank every day. That is why you need to find out whether a present-day man is the issue, and destroy that relationship if it exists.

But as well as that, you need to work on your marriage. You have done a great thing by reading His Needs Her Needs and taking steps to explore your wife's needs. As part of this, you need to explore her more deeply in order to understand her. Study her as if she were the subject of your PhD, but don't annoy her in the way that you do it. There is a great difference between showing your wife that you think she's fascinating, and following her around with a clipboard. The first is sexy, but the second is nerdy and possibly very irritating.

Start by assuming that intimate conversation is one of her emotional needs - which means that it is a great way to build love. Make it your task to find a way to have proper conversations with her every day, where you talk about the things that she is interested in, and about her as a person. You might think you know her well because you've been together a long time, but I think, from the way you have described your marriage, that you don't know her mind and her feelings very much at all. When you begin to be really interested in who she is inside, and what makes her happy or sad, she will begin to respond to you differently. Dr Harley guarantees that much.



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I don't know it's friendship or something else between them... they are in same department. He is on day duty and my wife is on night duty when I drop my wife around 8:15 in night, he leave around half an hour late. one night he left at 9:40, 1 hour and 40 min late after duty is over. He is married and has wife and child at home. When I asked my wife why he was so late in leaving she said there was some issue in depsrtment but in between they have dinner two of these and one more girl.

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