yesterday while reading book His needs her needs... She answered question about sexuality and affection... she gave me 3/10 for affection an 2/10 for sexual satisfaction. it was totally a night mere for me.. when I again read the question she said its 8/10 when she is involved otherwise 5/10... what is this pointing for...
I don't understand what you're saying here. What does "8/10 when she is involved otherwise 5/10" mean?
Did you mean to say "8/10 when she is in the mood and 5/10 when she is not in the mood" or something similar? - in other words, when she is turned on sex for her is good, but when she you fail to turn her on, for her it is so-so?
If that's what she means, you need to talk to her and try to find out what makes the difference between her being turned on, and her being uninterested. You really need to know this, because you cannot work on the problem if you don't understand it.
When you talk to her, you need to lose the tone you have with us, where you appear to be so dismayed, and where you ask "how this can be possible?" The thing is, it IS possible because she's telling you it is so. If you act with outrage, or great dismay, or disbelief because you have done "everything to make your love memorable", you are, in effect, doubting her word, and telling her that she is being silly. You're saying that if she's really feeling the way she says she is, she is a fool, because she has no right to feel that way after all the things you do for her. That kind of reaction will discourage her from being honest with you and you will never learn how to solve the problem.
I suspect that this is the pattern in your marriage. You believe you're doing a great job as a husband because you have you own ideas about what makes a great husband, and you feel you check all the boxes. However, you are not getting the impression from her that she is in love with you and would rather be with you than anybody else on earth. You want to feel passionate love from her (as we all do from our spouse), and she gives off an air of indifference, and you are forming the impression that she has loved someone more than you.
Well, as living_well pointed out to you, past loves do not matter, because you are here today and you can create deep romantic love through your day-to-day interactions; real things that you do today are so much more powerful than a memory. However, a
current flame or affair partner
is a threat to your marriage. With an affair, you are not just competing with a memory, you are competing with someone who is actively filling her love bank every day. That is why you need to find out whether a present-day man is the issue, and destroy that relationship if it exists.
But as well as that, you need to work on your marriage. You have done a great thing by reading
His Needs Her Needs and taking steps to explore your wife's needs. As part of this, you need to explore her more deeply in order to understand her. Study her as if she were the subject of your PhD, but don't annoy her in the way that you do it. There is a great difference between showing your wife that you think she's fascinating, and following her around with a clipboard. The first is sexy, but the second is nerdy and possibly very irritating.
Start by assuming that intimate conversation is one of her emotional needs - which means that it is a great way to build love. Make it your task to find a way to have proper conversations with her every day, where you talk about the things that she is interested in, and about her as a person. You might think you know her well because you've been together a long time, but I think, from the way you have described your marriage, that you don't know her mind and her feelings very much at all. When you begin to be really interested in who she is inside, and what makes her happy or sad, she will begin to respond to you differently. Dr Harley guarantees that much.