POLL: How long after your divorce did you start to date again?

I am looking for a general time frame from people who have recently divorced up until the time when they started to date again. Is there a time frame in which you should wait to start dating?ThanksBryan------------------ BJK

Against popular opinion, and believe me it's for GOOD reason, I started dating before the divorce was final. It was AFTER the separation and AFTER the divorce papers were filed, however, no matter how much and how loudly the STBX insists otherwise and stomps his feet and gnashes his teeth and shakes his fists.That rebound lasted less than five months.I've been with my current boyfriend for three months, and I'll be divorced in 16 days.Nope, I'm not much for waiting. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

TLC..Thanks..Are you the one who asked for the divorce or did your husband? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ BJK

Here again, Against popular opinion, and believe me it's for GOOD reason, I started dating before the divorce is final. I agree w/ TLC (But that's just me). I also understand that it should, and rightfully so be the decesion of each person, and with out question it SHOULD NOT be rushed into. I've been seperated for 1.5 years. I filed 8+ months ago. And I'm just sitting here waiting on the lawyer to finish up. Tex.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by positivebryan: Are you the one who asked for the divorce or did your husband? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Well, actually, we both filed on the same day, but his was signed first, so I became the 'defendant' ... which I still harrumph at. We had been in-house separated for a few months. I had been seeking a place to live, employment, etc. I was not going to file until I moved out, it was supposed to be January. He had been verbally abusive, and physically abusive in the past, but I didn't feel immediately in danger, until he kidnapped my children and sabotaged my car. I moved out that day. That was a Sunday in December. Monday I tried to file, but while I was with an atty drafting the papers, he was getting the ones he got written up on FRIDAY signed. So it was planned on his part. Right before Christmas.

TLC..I am GLAD that you got out of that horrible situation!Bryan ------------------ BJK

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by positivebryan: I am GLAD that you got out of that horrible situation!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Me too! So are the family and friends that know now what happened! (I had hidden everything for years.)I had planned to not date until at least after the divorce was final, ... but life gets in the way sometimes! I greatly disliked being alone, I *could* do it, but hated it. Funny, now that I'm dating someone, I'm starting to learn to be alone sometimes ... I didn't get that during the marriage. I am in NO hurry to live with someone! Dating can be nice though ... I've at least learned that men aren't all bad ...

:P

I would recommend waiting for six months to a year after you are legally divorced before you start dating again. I realize there can be many other circumstances, but if at all possible, stick to that. Now twice divorced, I started dating about nine months after the first one, about five months after the second. I was divorced the second time about ten months ago, and I don’t think I’d want to get serious with anyone quite yet. I have not heard of anyone saying “I wish I’d started dating sooner”, but I have heard of many people say “I wish I’d waited longer”. I’m a guy; there are many women who won’t even consider dating someone who, if divorced, have not been divorced for at least a year. Seems like a pretty good idea, even though that would leave me out of their consideration. You need to learn how to be OK with yourself; that you don’t NEED another person. Don’t rush it! Good luck!

I think people look too much into "timing". I don't think there is any one right or wrong time to "start" dating again. I believe it is more your state of mind. Me for instance, I have been divorced now for almost 4 months (Xwife moved out-of-state away from me about 21 months ago) and I just about feel "ready". But that doesn't mean I did not go out on "dates" with people - I think there is a difference in just meeting someone out (and maybe getting a peck on the cheek) and looking to begin a new relationship.I think that the people who say they wished they waited longer are the ones that have/had problems in the first couple relationships they had after their divorce. That is not to say the person who waits 2, 3 or even 5 years is not going to have the same problems with the first couple of relationships they have - again I just believe it goes back to your state of mind (state of heart).I think life is too short to be putting timing constraints on any aspect in your life. My divorce has shown me that you can't take anything for granted in this life. And considering I personally know of 2 people who died in the past few months at the ripe old age of 30, I now respect the time I have here a little more.I still love my X, but for me, I know I always will in some ways. Heck I still having feelings for another serious relationship I had and that was over 12 years ago. That is just me. That does not mean I can't love or learn to love someone "new" - I like to think I have more than enough love to share.So if you feel ready, try it. If you don't, then there is no hurry. It is a never ending learning experience, that is for sure. Try not to look for hard fast rules or time frames or anything like that - If there is one thing I learned going through a divorce, its to expect the unexpected!God Bless, Mike------------------ God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

[ August 08, 2004, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]

jw3... I totally understand your points. I was thinking of the kind of date in which you would go out and have a good time and not really the "long-term relationship date". I agree with the 1 year time frame. I have found that I am MUCH better happy by myself than I am MISERABLE with someone else! That is sometimes hard to handle, but its true.Was your 2nd wife divorced or was the marriage a first time marriage for her? Take CareBryan------------------ BJK

Hey Mike..I think your quote of "expecting the unexpected" is what scares me the most about dating again. I am nervous about the "quality" of people in the dating pool today and I am only 29! I have not doubt that eventually, I will find a great girl to have a relationship with, but the concept of dating is not very appealing to me right now. At this point, I am only trying to find some people to go out and have a fun time with and thats it, however, I do want to find someone who is looking for a long-term relationship, but I am not going to push the situation. I have even tried the "find a date" websites, just trying to meet other girls, and I don't understand why I don't get more responses than I do. I feel that I am a very good looking person and when I try to contact other singles on the site, I rarely get a response when I say that I just want to chat with them. *frown* Anyway, Thanks for your post..I wish you the best.Bryan ------------------ BJK

My divorce was final three months ago. I like you am looking for someone to go out with. The last thing I can even think of is a long-term relationship. I will leave that up to the Lord as far as timing. But I can't help but feel that going out with another adult has to be healthier than sitting at home lonely.Where do you find someone to date? I just started looking at the dating ads and have gotten no responses at all.

Hopeful..Hey Man! I guess we have to think positive about this! I just found it amazing that other singles who have ads on a site and if you reply to an ad, you should at least get a response from the person, regardless if the person is interested in you are not, its the right thing to do. I am sure they feel the same way if no one responded to their messages. Some of the sites that are good are, match.com and Love at AOL!Good Luck..Bryan ------------------ BJK

I had planned on waiting awhile so I could heal, but I had met someone shortly after D and we went out it was fun, I have went out with a few woman, and think it has helped me realize that I am ok, I am likeable and loveable, I think it is up to the individual. I haven't rushed anything and I have made some nice lady friends. I realize there is a big difference int the way other ladies treat me and the way my ex treated me. I trust go a day at a time.

Bryan,I guess part of my problem is that I am reluctant to post a picture in my profile since I feel somewhat vulnerable now that I am again a single woman. However, if they would respond to my messages I would e-mail a photo. What do you think?I agree that courtesy demands at least a response when I send a message.This was definitely one of the things I dreaded about being single again.Martha

Hopeful...I totally understand your feeling about dating again. You have to be cautious because of the number of FREEKS out there both male and female.Good Luck in Dating!Bryan [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ BJK

Hi Bryan,I'm surprised to read thru this whole post and find no flames! That's great!There are so many good opinions on this subject, I think it's hard to put an exact time limit on your heart, your feelings and how you feel. We all come from different situations and different degrees of devestation when it comes to our circumstances of divorce. I dated a few months after I got the seperation papers, then I got into a relationship that is now going on a year, but it's starting to get strained.I am one of those people that says "I wish I waited a little longer in the beginning to date". But that's how it goes I guess.I am also now a female who WON"T date anyone who is "in the process of divorce". Forget it, they need to be divorced first. I think people in pain tend to find one another, and in the beginning, you have this great amount of understanding for each other, but its' about pain and betrayal. It's too hard to build a strong relationship and fight ghosts of the past when you're not healed at least to an extent.Good luck and I think Sisyphus has the name of a dating site. I heard of 2 more recently, one was lovecity and one was starmatch (this one I think goes according to your astrological sign).Anyhow, personally, I wouldn't recommend "looking" but just letting it happen somehow, but sometimes that is hard. I would also say that the first feelings after you've had no attention for a long time are very intense and feel "so real" but sometimes they are not what they seem. Go slow and be careful with your heart. By the way, think I mentioned it before, but I love your screen name. Dana B

Before you start "dating, please rad the book, If the Buddha dated it gives great perspective, descriptions of red flags to look out for within yourself, and within the other person.It is an easy read, but very germaine to your situation at the moment. . . .

DANA....or (POSITIVEDANA) [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Thanks so much for your comments. You are right, Dating after divorce is very very tough. Not only do I feel emotinally drained from the divorce, but I am the most vulnerable right now! I agree that I need to find myself and be happy first, and I am well on my way in this category, but I really do miss the, "affection" and I miss "being married". I am one of a few guys that I know that loves to be married. If a marriage is going well, its the best feeling in the world!When you say that your current relationship is "strained", what do you mean? I don't want to be too personal, but I want to learn about how people who have been through a divorce are handling their new relationships!Have a great day!Bryan [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ BJK

When..Thank You! I will look into the book soon!Bryan ------------------ BJK

Bryan,you can email me at miss_dana_b@hotmail.com. its not the best MB topic and wouldn't want to get flamed either! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

PS I have read a few excerpt from the book that was recommended,and I'm really looking forward to reading it too. It is probably a definete good investment [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Dana

Dana..I will email you tonight when I have more time. Talk to ya then!Bryan ------------------ BJK

If The Buddha Dated is a wonderful book. I wholeheartedly recommend it. I have recommended it to a number of my friends. Well worth the $11. Author's name is Charlotte Kasl. For what it's worth, I had a long, drawn-out divorce but still waited 18 months after the divorce was final before I started dating.

I had a horible experience with "dating" after divorce. about 1 or 2 weeks after my divorce was final, i got on yahoo chat and went to the rooms for my home state. Meet a woman, and talked to her for a week or two on chat and on the phone. well she came to stay the weekend at my place, we slept together. I thought it would make me feel better to feel wanted, since my ex wife rejected me. But guess what? it made me feel worse then i ever have. After she left on sunday, i could not sleep the whole night. Dont get me wrong she was a very fun woman, and we had a great time going out for the weekend. And we laughed and talked alot, she is still a friend i talk to every once in a while. But i really feel like crap cause of the sex. It was REALLY too soon for me. ------------------ Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Bioman..Do you think that everything would have been fine if you didn't have sex with her? bryan ------------------ BJK

for me i dont think it would have made a difference. I missed my ex wife so much, and still do. that i was looking for someone or something to fill the void she left. I think that is maybe best to wait, sometimes when your not looking, what you want/need comes to you. I have went out on a few dates with some women. And oh sure, at the time it was great...NO SEX!! but good conversation. and they complimented me which felt good. but when it was all said and done, it still didnt make me feel as good as i thought it would. Some people are different, you may need to go out on a small date just to see how you would feel after.------------------ Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

I had a date a few weeks after my divorce was final. I actually met the woman a couple days before the divorce ata Super Bowl party. We went out once and then she quit answering my calls. I then dated someone in June. She broke up with me saying she didn't think we could be more than friends. There was no kissing or hand holding during the month. I had no emotional attachment so no big deal.I started dating a woman in Sept and we dated for 3 months. Thing got pretty serious, but she broke up with me because she felt I made my kids #1 all the time plus she didn't agree with the way I raised my kids.That breakup caused a lot of pain. All the insecurities, self doubt caused by the x's affair came rushing back. It took some time to heal from the end of that relationship.I have been now dating someone for 8 months now. She was divorced one year before she started dating and I am the first one.The difficulties have been in trying to get together. Our respective x's usually throw us a curve. Her x doesn't take the kids during the week. My x's weekends are usually Sat-Mon while her's is Fri-Sun. So one of us is always coming and going.I agree with Dana, in that is better to wait. Get to be comfortable being by your self first. I think running out too soon to find companionship is a disaster waiting to happen. Look how low the success rate is fro second marriages.Take your time, learn about yourself first.Bob

Hey Bryan- my second wife had been married twice before me. I was comfortable with the explanations she gave me as to why, but now I think I should have found out more. I thought we had this stuff figured out- I had been to counseling, taken a divorce recovery class and some other classes, and been in various support groups. She seemed to be very healthy and committed. We each had kids (huge issues around this). My strong suggestion to someone now would be to get pre-marriage (or even pre-serious relationship) counseling, and make sure that you know how to RESOLVE CONFLICTS. I am VERY cautious right now, as far as dating goes. I would have liked to have had someone just to have dinner with, or go to a movie with, immediately after being divorced. It’s probably just as well that no one was there, as I realize that I (probably many whose spouse leaves them) was very vulnerable, and being alone with a member of the opposite sex could be very dangerous. Casual dating sounds good, especially after being rejected by a spouse- it'd be nice to have someone else find you desirable. But "casual" dating can turn serious quickly. What I’m thinking is this- start dating when its NOT your main focus, when you’d LIKE to be with someone, not when you NEED to be with someone; when you’re just fine with and by yourself, you will be attractive to someone else who is emotionally healthy. I know, one can’t say “its been x months, now I’m ready to date”. I think I said six to twelve months after being divorced; one of the places I got that number was from the church I go to- they like it to have been a year since the divorce was legally final (in Minnesota, this can happen quickly) before you take any classes with a potential future mate. Other things that pop in to my head regarding dating: Do I want someone to replace my wife (spouse)? Do I want someone to replace the emptiness? How often do I still think of her? Have I “cleaned house” (emotionally and physically)? Enough for now.. Good luck, and have fun..

Jw3..Hey JW! I am also in Minnesota! What did you mean when you mentioned that in MN it can take that long? Thanks for your views. I think that I am looking for companionship only right now. I am NOT looking for someone to replace my wife, but I feel that I am emotionally stable right now at least to be going out on casual dinner only dates! I could easily wait for 1 year, but its not going to be easy!Take CareBryan [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ BJK

Jw3..Are you very right! RESOLVING CONFLICTS are extremely important! I know my wife had no idea how to do this!Bryan ------------------ BJK

[ August 08, 2004, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]

RWD..Thank you! I feel that I can wait at least 1 year, but I would like to have companionship of some kind! Bryan ------------------ BJK

Laura..Thank You.. I agree about needing more ladies and gentlemen in this world! This is very very true!Bryan ------------------ BJK

Jabber..Thank You! I think I am looking for the same affirmations that you are receiving. Its nice to hear compliments once in a while!Bryan ------------------ BJK

I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years now. I have been in two serious relationships since my divorce. In hindsight, I wish I had waited. I really should have spent some time alone to work on my issues right after my divorce. But, being in a relationship and getting some validation and positive affirmations after being betrayed was something I also needed at the time. However, because I jumped into a relationship, my focus shifted from myself to the relationship and I wasn't able to heal. I'm not dating now and I am learning so much about myself right now. If I had done that after my divorce instead of dating right away, I may not have ended up in two relationships where people were hurt.So, take your time. I don't think there is anything wrong with dating after your divorce. But, just don't get too serious too soon. That was my mistake. It's hard to really know someone right off the bat.[This message has been edited by 711 (edited August 16, 2001).]

I can't contemplate having a relationship with anyone yet. First off I'm going to have custody of my children, and I am very conserned about having people coming in and out of their lives. Secondly I'm not sure trust someone, even if they truely deserved it just because of the way my wife betrayed my trust. And thirdly, I am very socially awkward and I do not have an easy time meeting new people.

Hi BryanI also am feeling lonely and just long for someone to show interest in me. Someone to chat to... to share things with... to laugh with. My H has now been out the house for 5 weeks. The first few weeks were the worst. I thought I wouldn't survive on my own. Now I know that I can. In the beginning I was looking for someone everywhere I went. Now that feeling of panic has calmed down a bit. I still want to meet someone though. And I still keep an eye open, but the desperateness has left a bit.I am 28 and being female and feel like there is such a shortage of good men out there. I have resorted to chat rooms and have mostly been disappointed in men calling me babe after the first 3 sentences - if that. So its really difficult to get good conversation. I have 2 guy friends, that I have seen recently and that was nice, and that is purely friendship as they both have girlfriends. Also I feel I can't have too much contact with them because of the situation. So if they contact me then I just take it for what it is.I really understand where you are coming from. If you want to mail me let me know and I'll give you my address.Pantha

Bryan- Well, what do ya know! Do you live or work around downtown Mpls? I work in downtown Minneapolis, live in southwest suburbia. What I meant was it can take a very short time, from being married and together to legally divorced and apart. I've heard that some states or countries require a waiting period, maybe up to two years, that you need to be not living together before the divorce is legally final. In case you decide to get back together? I don't know. But here in Minnesota, as you may know, the papers can be filed and you could be legally divorced in 20-45 days (uncontested, no issues). Later..

JW3Hey Neighbor. I actually live in Eden Prairie! I am encouraged to hear that the process for an uncontested divorce is that quick! I didn't want this to happen, but if she wants a divorce, so be it! There are many girls out there for me!TAKE CARE !Bryan ------------------ BJK

Pantha..Sorry for this short message, but I will write to you later tonight! My email address is eagc8@aol.com.Please write to me and I will write back..Bryan ------------------ BJK

Hey Mike! ------------------ BJK

Thank You All!

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!

PositiveBryon & Hopeful in Texas, and others who checked out the web based singles sites...
(It's been a very long time since I last was on this site)
I agree with what you had posted back in August, and have come to some realizations..
I had a "membership" on Country Singles Online, which is a really good site compared to all the others out there. I have maintained 2 friendships, one for a year now, even going to Texas to visit, and the other almost a year. Both of them have been perfect gentlemen. Neither, though, live close enough for us to go out to dinner or a movie. After a while of emailing others, I noticed that usually they 1) were wanting to interview me for role of "wife" :0 2)had some pretty high ideas of themselves to the point of submitting older pictures of themselves [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] 3) were in that first state of wanting a relationship that would fill that void, etc.
My ex married his girlfriend a month ago. They had been together for 2 years. Our divorce was final (on my BIRTHDAY, no less!) in July of 2000. It had been an ugly divorce process of over a year and a half. I have not been in a relationship..heck, I haven't been truly asked out yet! I have a lot of friends, both women and men tell me that I shouldn't have any problems finding someone, that I'm very attractive, etc., but I haven't been in the right conditions to even meet eligle men. I moved to a new town last winter, worked in a medical office where 80% of the patients were elderly [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] not exactly the place to meet others like me. I changed my career path, and am now going to a university full time and working there as well...Now, 80% are 18 to 22!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
When I have my weekends alone, or the ex tries to somehow make me feel like "look at what I gave up (like calling 2 days before the wedding to tell me how much this is a big deal, and "special occassion"), I remember how nice it is to be able to do what I want, watch what I want, go where I want, talk to whomever, for however long I want, than to be "alone" in a marriage. I would rather be alone, than to be lonely in a marriage. But, I'm not just staying home, either, because I know that the only way I'm going to meet that someone, whether to just be dinner companions, or soul mate, is to be proactive. In the meantime, I enjoying learning, meeting new people, ect.
I've been alone, now, 1 1/2 years and when I look back, know that I was very vulnerable, and that dating at that time, even up till this time last year, would have only delayed all the healing that I've gone through. I agree with not dating someone who is in the beginning stages of the divorce process. There are too many emotional factors. A book called "Growing through Divorce" suggests that it is better to date or get involved with someone that is at least at the same stage in the process as you. I have to agree, based on my limited experience.
Let us know, though, when you find something that has proven to be successful!!
Kristine

I am not yet divorced, but I am worrying about this subject. Mostly because ten months after my stbx moved us to a new, very small, family-oriented town, he said he wanted a D, moved out 5 days later and regularly sees his OW. After 22 years of marriage I'm suddenly single again. This is not how I pictured my future.I'm 45 years old and look pretty good - size 6/8? I don't want to go to a bar by myself and I don't know any single people. So where does that leave me? The guys that are my age want someone younger. The guys that are older than me - still want someone younger than me. Hey! I'd like someone younger, too! In fact, statistically speaking I need someone in his twenties to keep up with my "needs"!! LOL!!But the truth is - I'm nowhere near ready. He's only been gone 6 weeks and I'm still grieving the death of my marriage. I think the hardest part is that he betrayed and rejected me and has already replaced me. Suddenly Single BSs need affirmations that they're still desireable.Companionship would be nice. Dinner, a movie, just someone to talk to. But I've got two teenagers and I won't subject them to the whole older singles dating/sex thing, no matter how lonely I get.I guess some of that companionship thing is why I keep coming back here - even though I have no chance at re-building my marriage. I don't know where you meet people (no support groups in town) or even how to date. The last time I was single the sexually transmitted diseases didn't kill you.

Well Guys here is my take on dating. I have been seperated from my Ex for 16 months now divorced for almost 1 year. I didn't start dating until 1 year after the seperation. It was 422 exactly. I used that year to heal myself. I didn't really have the need for anyone for along time. I was filled with all kinds of fears. I would imagine myself growing old and alone having never had sex again ect. Anyway I met a guy about 2 months ago. The relationship was very exciting and yet very stressful. I think I fell to fast and almost did a few things I would have later regretted because it just felt so good to be wanted again. We broke it off mutually and remain friends but it opened a whole new self awareness about me I didn't know was there. I feel so much more confidant again and alive. I have found somebody now about 2 weeks ago that I never thought I'd find. When I would imagine what I wanted in a man it was pretty much this guy. I have learned to take it slower this time and to just enjoy this relationship. We like to do alot of the same things, we have the same values and feelings about things. So just enjoying being with him is easy to do.Anyway, yes there is life after divorce. There is love after divorce and there is sex after divorce.
Sometimes it just takes awhile to find that special person. You will make mistakes, you will fall hard sometimes and crash and burn but dust yourselves off and jump back on because it can be one hell of a ride.Jill

Jillybean,
Where did you meet these guys? It seems that everyone who has met someone has been able to do it easily...I think that the guys who are like me don't get out very much as they are spending all their time on the "place" (horses, cattle, etc.)
Anyway, I would appreciate some ideas!
Thanks, Kristine[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: JDQ ]

Thank You all for your messages! I appreciate hearing from all of you!Take Care and God Bless!Bryan [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

[ August 08, 2004, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]

Hello All!

I think I'll start in about 75 years. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] -AD

[ August 08, 2004, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]

AD...I have only been divorced 2 months and I totally understand your feelings about waiting! I can't wait 75 years, but maybe 1-2 will be enough!Take Care!Bryan [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Maybe I was just joking - about the 75 years.But seriously, before I married her, my W was GREAT - very affectionate, respectful, kind, always went to church with me - etc. After we married, she almost immediately turned into her mother - or at least into a completely different person. So.... how do I know that won't happen again? I mean, just because somebody seems wonderful doesn't mean it would be wonderful to be married to them.I realize that my W really is a very special case - not at all an average woman, but still I am a little frightened of the prospect - and want to be rather cautious.-AD

AD..I totally agree with your point! Sometimes people do change drastically after they are married! My ex-wife was a good example of this.
Believe me, I am very cautious about the people that I date and all that I can say is that a divorce makes your think very very hard before you decide to be "serious" with someone again!Take Care!Bryan [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks everyone!

this topic has been on my mind much lately because I am in the process of a divorce but at the same time I feel that my marriage had died a slow death for the last 6 years... I grieved for about 3 months and I had one day that I totally crashed and grieved for my relationship and every other sorry thing that has happened to me... after that day I have felt better. That was 5 weeks ago... well three weeks ago I met a guy who has been divorced for about 1.5 years and mine will not be final until January... some people have told me to go slow and I am concerned about this rebound thing everyone talks about... does any one know of any good sites or books to read about rebound and what it means? thanks

Laura..I wish you the best in your relationship! I am 29 and I have been dating girls (women) around 24-27, so they are still in that "party all the time" mod! I have settled down alot in the past 2 years and I am very willing to be patience for the Right girl to come along! I think I need to be less aggressive in the search for ms.right. It seems like that works most of the time!Take Care!Bryan [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

almostthere.Sorry for the lateness of my reply. I admire you for keeping your children as your top priority at this point. As a BS myself, I certainly didn't invision my life being divorced at 29 with no children. However, I have many new female friends that I have made and I LOVE the companionship! I think the key here is not to panic, but to enjoy life again and meet new people along the way. Let me know if you found any young guy in his 20's for you! That was FUNNY! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] Take Care and God Bless!Bryan [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Just to voice my opinion on the subject....I think if you can wait at least one year from the divorce, it's good. However, I modify that for circumstances.In my case, I'm not yet divorced, but have been separated from my H for almost 2 years. I will definately wait until the divorce is final, that's for sure. But because I've spent the last two years mourning the death of the marriage, and getting to know me again, I think when the D is final, I will be relatively ready. Of course, you never know until you start again. But the main advice...whatever the timeframe...take it slow and easy...Aloha,
Ms.O

Thanks!

Good Topic!Happy New Year!

Well tonight will be the first date I have had since my divorce was final in June, 2001. I agree to waiting for at least a year, but like others before me, I had been seperated for quite a long time...6 years. Way to long to have my life on hold. Dating is kind of scary after so many years being married. I bought "Venus & Mars on a Date" and read it in 2 days just to feel like I would have some idea of what to do. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] Wish me luck
ASM [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Stronger!I wish you the best! I have been dating for 6 months now and I think its very important to take things slowly! Become Good Friends and have fun..That is the most important advice!Happy New Year!Bryan

Hey guys,
I have not posted in ages. I have been very busy since I met someone. I'll voice my opinion on dating since I have been divorced for 2 yrs. I was very reluctant to date at first because I didn't know where to go to meet quality men, I work 2 jobs and don't have much time, plus my 2 teenage girls are with me 24/hr 7/days.If I wouldn't have taken the time to heal emotionally, then I don't think this relationship I am in now would be working as well. Everyone must take time to get to know themselves, learn to be alone and be O.K. with it and figure out what they want in a spouse. Dr. Harley's list is a wonderful place to start. I put together a list and if someone could not meet all of my requirements, then I would rather be alone than be with someone that I am only half interested in. That may sound harsh, but the 2nd time around, I don't want to make any mistakes because this will be the person I spend the rest of my life with and I want to love that person to the fullest both emotionally, physically and intellectually.I was determined to find someone, so, I actually got on a site called "matchmaker.com" You can get on for a trial period of about 2 weeks and not pay a dime. You can post pictures, type in any area of the country you live in, the distance you are willing to drive, the age, etc. There is a long questionnaire you fill out, but it is so worth it because you can read how other people think and respond to the same question. You can e-mail that person privately for a while and then give out your personal info if you want. I was very lucky because the first man I picked was incredible. I actually felt like it was fate we met. Mostly because we are so much alike and his answers to the questionnaire were so similar to my thinking.Good luck and keep in touch Bryan.
Karen

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by elliott-45:
Dr. Harley's list is a wonderful place to start. I put together a list and if someone could not meet all of my requirements, then I would rather be alone than be with someone that I am only half interested in.<hr></blockquote>Where did you find Dr. Harley's list and.......would you mind sharing your list?Aloha,
Ms.O

Mrs. O,
Sorry it took me so long to respond, but I can not get on this site at work and I'm extremely busy when I get off work. If you will click on the icon at the top of the page "BASIC CONCEPTS", it is to the left of the "DISCUSSION FORUM" icon when you first log on to marriagebuilders.com Next on the left side, click on the icon "THE MOST IMPORTANT EMOTIONAL NEEDS", scroll down to the bottom of the page and there will be 10 emotional needs. As Dr. Harley states, women and men usually do not pick the same top five. I prioritized mine, then I added some of my own. Good luck!!

Thank You!

Not to beat a dead horse... but I think this topic is timeless.I had a date, babysitter and all, about 2 weeks before the divorce was final. Nice guy, friend first for years. Actually used to work with [censored].It has been repeated as a date, but we both decided that we are SO completely damaged that this was something not to repeat again for a few eons. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Now we are happy just hanging around together and talking. I'm going out this weekend with the kids from here, maybe we will be able to hunt a fellow down to at least dance with me....Elizabeth

Just bumping this thread as I think it's good reading for folks in the unsteady ground between separation and divorce ...

I went out a few times before the divorce was final...mostly with others who were going through a divorce. I spent more than a few evenings listening about their stbx; not fun. Anyway...by the time I was divorced, I had been separated for nearly two years...I met someone very special in July...started dating him in September and we are still together. I think everyone needs time to heal and transition from being married to single...jumping into a relationship right away isn't fair to you or the other person. Given the different waiting periods of divorce in varying states...time after the divorce is not a fair measuring tool. It amazes me how in some states folks are separated and divorced in a matter of a few months. In my case, my one year anniversary date for the divorce was this past week...but I have been on my own for nearly three years.

Hello Bryan,Long time no "chat". I don't get here often anymore, and I can't read this whole post, but I wanted to say hello and I hope things are ok for you. Dana

Hi Bryan,
I have not posted or read this site in a long time because I've been busy planning my wedding [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] in one week, Saturday, May 25th. Believe me, there is love after divorce and those feelings do come back. I did not think I could ever feel again because of the emotional abuse I was subjected to.All I can say is be patient and don't settle for anything less. It took me 2.5 yrs to find the man I was looking for. It has been an experience since we are already living together and there is never a dull because we have 4 teenagers. Blending families can be tough, but we both love each other so much, we are not going to let the kids get between us. They will be gone in a few years and it will just be us [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Don't ever give up, just remember life is all about your attitude and only you can control that!!!!

I've been separated (for the second time) since July, divorce was final in October. I'm not dating and don't have any plans to. I don't want any more complications in my life than I already have.I have a friend who went through the same thing about 10 years ago. He dated a few women but had problems. Most of the women he dated had kids about the same age as his sons. When the relationships ended his kids wanted to know why their friens never visited any more. He decided at that point (about 6 years ago) that he wasn't going to date until his kids were older. He has a live-in girlfriend now and he's very happy, but he went through a lot of crap to get to that point.I'm just not interested right now. I'd rather spend my spare time with my son doing things with him.

I would like to recommend a book my last therapist recommended to me. If the Buddha Datedby Charlotte KaslIt's meen mentioned on this board several times and is a great book. I think there are 6 or 7 people around who have read it since I first mentioned it last fall or last summer. Great book. Not so much about getting the date or behavior on the date. More about preparing your heart for the dating/loving process.

I think people should definitely wait awhile (at least 2 years) before starting to date again. I know this seems radical, but think about this. You just get out of a horrendous relationship, and you're lonely now because you've always had someone (if only to argue with). Now you've got a lot of baggage. Why take that with you into another relationship so soon. Wait until you've completely healed. Another reason why is that 60% of all second marriages end in divorce (US census bureau (1993). Think about it!!And besides give your kids a break!! They may not show it but they're having an even hardeer time with this then you are.

Thanks All!

I met someone shortly after divorce and started dating, I wasn't really ready to date, but it did help me to realize I could still get a date after 23yrs of marriage. I also made a few good friends. I think it is up to the individual to decide whats is best for them.

Hi Jabber!I agree! Good Luck and Take CareBryan

I had my first date 4 months after the ink was dry on the divorce decree. Two dates with the same guy in the same weekend. The next day my XH and I embarked on a reconciliation. We are getting re-married in a few months.God definately has a sense of humor.

I don't know if it counts as a date or not, but I'm going to meet someone next month. I hesitate to admit this... but my mother has a very nice neighbor who wants to meet me. I'm scared to death, but I figure the worst that will happen is that we won't like each other. It's not likely that she'll scream at me and take all my money the first day I meet her, is it? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] It's been over a year since the divorce was final. It's time to get back to the business of living my life.

Well...if you had asked this a few months ago...there is no way I was emotionally ready to date. But I met a guy a few months before the divorce in a aclass I was taking. He has just been a great support and help around here.We went out for the first time the day after the divorce. Hopefully, will keep it at the friendly stage--hard to do tho--because he is a great guy. Feelings have come up that I haven't felt in years. It is fun. I think that you just have to take it as it comes. Good Luck Pat

Well, I went out on a few dates during the seperation from 2000 to 2001..one of the men I went out with I've known since H/S, we'd been in touch through e-mail before our class reunion, and such and decided to met for dinner, and a movie, we had fun stayed out till about 3 am talking and laughing and just catching up over coffee..he was offended that I didn't invite him home w/ me..and would call me all the time afterwards, got mad if I had other plans..he's been divorced for about 4 years..and emotionally isn't ready for marriage still has a lot of anger and resentment..became very possessive really quick..started telling me how I should do things concerning my divorce..so needless to say...I deleted his e-mail address, removed him from my im, and didn't return his phone calls--I also went out w/ some lady friends and met some other men...most of them wanted instant intimate relationships..and ask me for my number, and I explained to them I didn't give my number out to men I just meet..one guy gave me 5 phone numbers to reach him at..I threw them ALL away..Another gentleman I went out with called me after I got home and thanked me for a nice evening..and asked when we could get together again..I said I'd have to get back w/ him..I never did..I lost his number also..something about him just made my skin crawl..I'd also had a friend invite me to a New Years Eve party he lives in another state, he bought my ticket and I went for the weekend..Had a great time, but nothing happened sexually..it was all non pressure which made the experience more enjoyable..And another friend I've known about 15 years came into town w/ his kids and he and I went out..he was also seperated from his wife..and going through a very ugly divorce and just needed a friend to talk to..so he came into town and we went out w/ our kids and had dinner, and went to the beach..and just had fun..it wasn't a romantic date..just two old friends getting together and having fun...I guess for me the thing I've found is that going out w/ old friends, and finding me again..who I was years ago, and who I am now, and seeing how much I've changed over the years has really helped..it's helped me find a balance in who I am
and what I want in a relationship now as opposed to years ago..the guys I went out with I didn't date when I knew them years ago, we were just really good friends..and we discussed why we never dated years ago..and decided we enjoyed the friendships we had and were afraid to lose that..we don't keep in touch now like we did at first..and thats okay..but we do still keep in touch..I didn't have sex w/ any of these men..because that wasn't what I wanted..I used those first few dates as a time to figure out what it is about these men that made good friends..that made them fun to be with but it just didn't click..because if we are good friends..and yet it just isn't there..then what is it that needs to be there? I didn't date looking for a potential new spouse..
I went as friends..and if they wanted more, I let them know I wasn't ready for that..I used those dates as a building block to help me learn about me..and what I want and need in a relationship..

Thanks Everyone!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by positivebryan:
TLC..

I am GLAD that you got out of that horrible situation!

Bryan

<hr /></blockquote>

"Instead of getting married again, I think I'll find a woman I don't like and buy her a house...." Lewis Grizzard

Well I posted a while back as Concerned1 and have since then changed my email address and could not remember my password... and in either case I have remarried and was looking at all I had posted during the past two years during the first time I filed for divorced, reconciled, went to the marriagebuilders seminar and still divorced a year later... I have been divorced a year yesterday and I have been remarried for three months. The gentleman I met right before my divorce was final is who I married before the end of the year.
I am not sure why people talk about rebound and I was concerened at that time.. but since then I learned that if you have been lonely and miserable in a marriage.. your heart is ready to go on and to heal ... My marriage now is very fulfilling and he is a good man. I would not have waited to date and I wasnt even thinking about it when I met him... he was kind and sweet and fulfilled my EN completely... it was very scary at first to me... but my heart had been empty for so long and in my marriage I never felt cherished or respected ( he constantly was verbaly and physically abusive and would let me know if I didnt like it,,, there is the door... well I found that door and left.. havent looked back ever since) but there is happiness after divorce and I am glad that my previous nightmare is finally over.
Happy New Year

This is an interesting topic...

I am WH and will be dv anytime soon. 1 year of separation in April. During this time I have not dated and in fact held onto hopes of recovery but that vanished as W has been involved with OM for 3-4 months now. This revelation however didn't cause me to tailspin, as I believed I would! Rather, I have focused my sights on the Lord and the plans he has for me. During this time I have re-acquainted with some old freinds and have met "new" one's as well.

However, over the past 3-4 weeks I have contemplated over the developemtns of a friendship with OW (dv with 2 children) and the prospect of it becoming something more...I posted on this topic couple weeks ago. I have found a healthiness to the friendship which existed in my M. OW possesses many wonderful qualities which created cause for "contemplating" my next move <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !

I feel the entire process of grieving my dv has come and passed and a new season has dawned...

I will pursue this relationship with delicacy and tact as I know OW's feelings to move into a new realm exist in heart, as well. To date, we have not been on a formal date but that time is quickening.

S

Thanks everyone...you are all awesome people for coming here to support each other.

I waited 4 months, it wasn't quite long enough from a sexual side but emotionally it was ok. I think it depends on the individual.

I dated the month before the divorce was final, but woman1 became serious too soon. About one month long.
Next dates were with a woman I never even KISSED. About 2 months.
Next dates were with a divorced woman who wanted sex almost immediately. (divorced 5 yrs, no dates before me) Huge learning curve for me, discovered that my issues had not been resolved yet (her's neither, but that's another story).Broke up several times in a space of 3 months.

My conclusion: don't date for at least a year, and if you have to, for the companionship, no sex. Sex has a way of screwing things up.(pun intended). Dating is a good way of "testing" your progress in dealing with your issues, but don't inflict this experimentation on someone in a serious relationship. people get hurt.

Neediness = EMOTIONAL GREEDINESS

MUZOHEAD

I am in MN and have been separated for 8 months. It would be nice to have some adult companionship but my divorce is taking too long. Funny thing though, I feel a lot less lonely alone than I did when I was married. Go figure!

Like Water..

Isn't that amazing. I also felt more lonely married! go fiqure! Could you give me a brief summary about your situation?

Thanks
Bryan

Hi Brian, my situation, hmm kind of diffcult to summarize. Ok, I'll try:
Husband drinks, has been verbally abusive, very neglectfull, doesn't believe in doing things that are good for both of us. In general wants to live life as a single man, thinking in terms of himself only ( spending a lot of $$, spending time without me, not considering me )
What about you?

This post keeps getting longer. If it continues to run, I may finally be divorced and able to answer the question.
I've been seperated 13 months now, and don't plan to date until after the D is final. But by that time it may be 2 years separated, so I may not wait too long. Plus, I've done alot of healing since then.

I was divorced for 5 months when I started dating. I don't recommend it unless you can size the person you intend to date for emotional security, maturity, etc. It was a lot tougher than I thought it would be and when this relationship dies it's natural death, I will likely not date again for some time.

neediness = greediness is right on!

Hi,

I started dating about 1 year after seperation and about 9 months after the divorce was final.
I dated about 3 different guys and then I found the one. I've never been happier in my life and we have been together now about 17 months

Jill

I, like many others, started dating before the DV was even filed. The minute I found proof of my XW's affair (after she moved out) I gave up on her and the marriage and said to hell with it. Went a little crazy by dating (and having sex with) several other women in about a 1 month period after that. I got a hold of my emotions, found myself, became happy with my self and slowed down after my "month of passion". I filed for DV, but continued to just date casually. I met my current g/f 3 days after my DV was final, and we've been together 4 months TODAY!!! She's great, and it's been wonderful having someone that cares about me the way she does. Ever hear that Collin Raye song "This Is An Ocean"? That's how I feel now. My XW was a river, and now I have an ocean. You don't know how bad it was until you find someone that is just right and truly compatible. It's all about learning from your mistakes and not making them again.

Thanks Everyone!