Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 65 of 91 1 2 63 64 65 66 67 90 91
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
She'll have divorced me by the time 6 months pass. Even if I were in the states now, we would be living apart by necessity. I can't be with her every day unless she chooses to come to Fort Polk. I don't see that happening. Like you said, you spent every day with your WW for 6 months before she recommitted to the marriage. It's impossible for me to do so.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
She'll have divorced me by the time 6 months pass.


Hey Gurka - Maybe... but then again, maybe not.

Like you told us earlier, you want to try... It's still your decision. We're just trying to let you know that it's a long, hard, painful process... as you are finding out. But the bottom line is that the decision is still yours.

I think that there is still a good chance that your WW will pull her head out of her 4th point of contact and re-engage with you in rebuilding. If she does decide to start working with you then all of your efforts to date will definitely have been worth it. If se doesn't decide to start working with you, then allof your efforts to date will definitely have been worth it as well!

Negative thoughts will lead you to start making negative decisions... If you really want to give this a go, then please try to not focus on these negative thoughts.

Notice that I didn't say "don't" have any negative thoughts... it's perfectly normal to feel that there isn't a chance to rebuild, especially when your WW continues to spew venom in your face.

We've seen many situations here that were much worse and the couples were able to rebuild. You're working a sound plan and it's working. It's not working as quickly as you'd like, but it IS working. Try to be patient and not focus on what your WW e-mails you.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
She'll have divorced me by the time 6 months pass. Even if I were in the states now, we would be living apart by necessity. I can't be with her every day unless she chooses to come to Fort Polk. I don't see that happening. Like you said, you spent every day with your WW for 6 months before she recommitted to the marriage. It's impossible for me to do so.

[/pity party]

You have no idea what she'll do once she gets through withdrawal. Just because it took my WW 6 months to commit to the marriage, it doesn't mean I didn't see some signs of her leaning towards staying in the marriage. Her love bank just wasn't full enough to make that decision, but I kept making deposits. You have OM out of the picture. Now your goal is to start making deposits without making any withdrawals. That is why it is so important NOT to get into those back and forth lovebusting emails. Your marriage is safe for now while you are oversees. Why not just wait for her to get through withdrawal while you continue to deposit love units and avoid all LBs and relationship talk until you get back, no matter how much she baits you? What's that going to hurt? Just stay disciplined and stick to the plan.

Just calm down. Even if you marriage will work out, you won't see any results for a while, so don't shoot yourself in the meantime being impatient. Have a good night.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Before she totally switched over to using her new phone, she seemed be calling her ex-boyfriend a lot (they've remained friends) after I exposed the affair. This is the guy she left me for early in our relationship to "give him another chance." He's a mean alcoholic, and a professional gambler. Always treated her poorly while they were together. Now he's on chat all the time all of a sudden, and she is too (though she blocked me after.) I think it's fairly likely that he's now meeting most of her ENs.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Here's the chatty email I sent out this morning (while she's still online,) censored for OPSEC ;):

How was your weekend? Any news about your dad? I looked into the
insurance thing, and they've changed the rules to where he can be
covered by our insurance if he's a dependent parent. It seems that
he'd have to have less than $3,100 of taxable income for the year, and
we would have to provide more than half of his income. You'd know more
than me if that's possible.

I've been pretty busy all weekend with work. We didn't have training
yesterday since we're in the process of switching out sergeant majors.
Around lunchtime this crazy storm blew in with like 60 mile an hour
winds. When we went outside for lunch it was buffeting me around all
over the place. We went to this new Afghan restaurant at XXXXXX
for lunch, it's in the same little base complex as our office and XXXXXX. Funny enough, the menu was mostly American food with just a
little bit of Afghan stuff available. We got "bread with spicy sauce"
as an appetizer, and it was as advertised. They keep kleenex on the
table because everyone has runny noses after eating it. Then we split
a couple of pizzas amongst the 4 of us. I attached a couple pictures,
there are more on Facebook. The pizza was really good, definitely the
best pizza I've had so far in Afghanistan. And it makes you feel
surprisingly normal to sit around a table (albeit on the floor) and
order food off a menu. After the storm blew through there was this
amazing rainbow over the XXXXXX. I ended up being stuck at
the office until pretty late, and so I didn't make it to the gym until
about 2100. So then I was all ramped up and didn't go to sleep until
about 0130 in the morning, so I'm a tired panda today. I just got out
of the morning meeting and it seems like it's going to be another busy
day but I thought I'd write you before things really get going for the
day. I hope you have a good week. Did you ever get the package I sent
from Bagram? It was too cute to pass up.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
I think it's fairly likely that he's now meeting most of her ENs.


Hey Gurka - Hopefully she's not starting up a new relationship, but if she is, then it's probably good that you're seeing this now rather than later.

For now I would continue with your long distance Plan-A. Your latest e-mail is great! Let's her know that you're still concerned about her father, and a little bit about what you've been up to... and most importantly, no relationship talk!

Quote
she seemed be calling her ex-boyfriend a lot (they've remained friends) after I exposed the affair.


So were you able to verify that she was calling this former BF by the phone records before she switched phones?

If your gut instincts are telling you something else, then by all means start snooping and see what you can uncover! Like I mentioned at the start, it's much better to find this out now, than later on down the line after you've invested several hard weeks/months of Plan-A.

If she's already involved in another A, (perhaps only an Emotional Affair), then I'd seriously consider another COA...

Semper Fi,

RIF


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Yes, I verified that she was calling her ex-boyfriend before she switched phones. Also her ex-boyfriend just added her sister as a facebook friend a couple days ago. Strange coincidence since she's been her sister for 20 years.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
Yes, I verified that she was calling her ex-boyfriend before she switched phones.


Hey Gurka - So if she's in contact with her ex-BF, and you can assume that it's at least an EA... what do you want to do?

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Well I don't want to make any final decisions until I get back and can (hopefully) sit down face to face with her. So I'll just stay the course for now.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
This was my concern. I figured she' either go back to you or just find another OM to meet her needs. She seems like a serial relationship jumper, jumping from one relationship right into the next. IF you still want to save your M, I would suggest exposing this new OM to her family, his family, and give him a firm talk about leaving your WW alone.

Like I told you before, if you continue with your plan A you will either save your marriage, or found out in the process that your marriage shouldn't be saved. Just keep sticking to the plan for now.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
It could very well be that they're just talking again. They've maintained a friendly relationship throughout the time I've been with my wife. I don't want to come at him like "stay away from my wife" and look like the nut my wife is trying to paint me as.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
It could very well be that they're just talking again. They've maintained a friendly relationship throughout the time I've been with my wife. I don't want to come at him like "stay away from my wife" and look like the nut my wife is trying to paint me as.

That's the problem. Your WW has high school "friend" relationships with multiple men even though she is married. Do you honestly think this guy is even remotely interested in just "friendship" or is he trying to become your WW's "rebound bang"? Either way, he talking to this OM is harmful to your marriage because he is meeting ENs you should be meeting. I agree you are in a no-win situation with this potential OM. You have no way to get any proof of an inappropriate relationship (even though I would say any relationship is inappropriate).


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Yeah. She's done with her temp job now and doesn't start OBC until June. So she has all day off every day to do whatever she wants. That doesn't seem to include talking to me.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Gurka,

One of the biggest redflag's out there is when a person wants to keep friends of the opposite sex...

One of the boundaries that Mrs. RIF and I keep is that we don't e-mail, FB, chat, or "hang out" with friends of the opposite sex. It's just asking for trouble if you start crossing this line.

I know that you're in a tough spot while you're deployed... and it will be hard for you to snoop, but if there's anyway that you can find out anything about this HS BF, I think it would be to your benefit to do so.

I would continue to send your WW your regularly scheduled e-mails and continue to keep in touch with your MIL and SIL... Don't ask them any questions or ask them to 'check up' on your WW, just use these e-mails to keep the lines of communications open.

So is your WW taking leave now until her OBC class starts? Hard to believe that they'd just let her "hang out" while collecting a paycheck!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
That's what LTs do before they start class usually. Come in for PT the go home. It's called snowbirding. I know people that snowbirded for a year @ Fort Jackson before started Finance OBC.

But yeah, she blocked me on Google Chat, but not on yahoo chat, so I can see that she's online.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted by RIF
One of the biggest redflag's out there is when a person wants to keep friends of the opposite sex...

Usually these people are attention and admiration junkies that need constant affirmation to compensate for their self-esteem issues. These people are prone to all sorts of affairs and are not marriage material until they fix their issues.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Wow, that sounds like pretty sweet deal!

Not really sure what to say about her contacting this old HS BF... You don't want to start accusing her because she will just use that as "proof" that you're "controling" and "stalking" her. So you're in a tough spot as far as confronting her.

I guess the best COA for now is to just keep e-mailing her every 2-3 days and then sit back and see what happens. Is your WW going back home for her sister's wedding?

If she is and stays with her mom, I'd call her there and perhaps you'd get her Mom on the phone... remember, no relationship talk, just say that you wanted to wish your SIL well for the wedding and ask how your FIL is doing. Hopefully, your MIL's "tone" would give you a clue as to what your WW is up to.

Are you planning on calling her on her birthday?

Semper Fi,

RIF


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
The wedding will be in Atlanta, WW and MIL are traveling there for the wedding (though I don't know what if any impact this illness news may have on that.)

I was planning on calling her on her birthday, I haven't told her so yet though, I'll tell her in my Wednesday email.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
I'm surprised that your MIL hasn't e-mailed you back about how your FIL is doing... It might be time to shoot her another short e-mail asking how he's doing and if there's anything you can do to help.

Remember, no relationship talk, and don't ask your MIL ANY questions about your WW...


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
If she didn't reply to the first one, I don't see why she'd reply to another one.

Me emailing the MIL is what caused WW to say the "I can't believe you're using my dad's cancer to play your little games. how selfish can u be?"

Page 65 of 91 1 2 63 64 65 66 67 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 115 guests, and 91 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Rjack, russelltonya, arielwilson, Debby Woman, Comfortable Shoe
71,850 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5