Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 71 of 91 1 2 69 70 71 72 73 90 91
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
And I sent a short email to my WW:


Hey Gurka - Your first two e-mails were perfect! I would have recommended NOT sending the last one to your WW...

I know that you want to connect with her, and I know that your thoughts are "how could she NOT see what she's doing"... Relationship e-mails like this will just give your WW more reasons to 'justify' her actions. She will most likely take this e-mail as you trying to 'educate' her.

I agree 100% with everything that you wrote to your WW... she's not going to "think about" what she's done wrong, because in her mind, she hasn't done anything wrong. It will take some time for her to get there...

It's already over 104 here today... glad I've got an "inside" job!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Lots of people were pretty emphatic that I write such a message to WW before the wedding. I wasn't trying to educate her, and I didn't say or imply that she'd done anything wrong. I essentially said the same thing to her as I did to her sister: remeber why you got married, and what it meant.

All of these emails were sent before I posted them here.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Gurka,

Nothing wrong with your e-mail to your WW, I just wouldn't have recommended sending it since I don't think that your WW will recieve your e-mail in the way that you intended for her to when you sent it...

There's absolutely no harm in sending it, other than it might keep her from e-mailing you for a couple more days, but it definitely isn't a major "mistake"!

You're doing great! As I've said all along, you must do what YOU think is best for your situation. You know your WW much better than any of us. We're here to help you and be a sounding board for your ideas.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
I think my WW is likely to freak out at the wedding and draw a bunch of attention to herself.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Gurka,

Do you think she's going to freak out because of her past actions? If so, I think that would be a positive thing as long as it caused her to re-egage with you in rebuilding.


Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
IMVHO, I think the email to your WW will be exactly one of those conflict-inducing events. I don't mean that in a bad way - I mean it in a way that will work inyour favor, I hope.

Whether she admits it or not, she will KNOW her guilt and failure from that email. And she will know where you stand. It will comfort her (again, whether she admits it or not), it will reassure her that things are not too far gone yet, and, if/when she defogs, she will have this memory as an example of who you are, Gerka, and what you stand for in your M.

It will cause her immense turmoil now, but it's like all of those Plan A deposits my BH was making - one day she will be ready, and they will be there waiting.

Don't know if it's a mistake or not, just thought I would give my opinion.


Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
Hey Gerka,
When writing an email to WW, do a final check to see how it compares to the stick part of Plan A.
Use this as your guide:

Originally Posted by Pep
Offering forgiveness and understanding.

By this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home

Often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."

You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.

You can word it something like this:

All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I understand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.


Originally Posted by Pep
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.


Plan A is often misunderstood as "acting nice"

excuse me acting "nice' in the face of an affair makes me want to puke

Plan A is taking control of one's self ...it is NOT "acting nice" ~as if~ there was no infidelity eating away at your family .... infidelity hurts like battery acid poured on your skin

am I right?

heII yes I am right

so you scared and panicky betrayed ~~~> SPEAK UP

tell the truth

"This affair hurts me. This affair is going to destroy our family. Let's get help."

If your spouse does something really thoughtless ... SPEAK UP.

"What you just said (did) hurts me terribly."

"I feel wounded by your affair."

"My heart aches for the love we used to share."

But be careful ... don't get needy or whiney or weepy ... those are love-busters

it's a fine line between telling the truth about what hurts ... and staying away from LB behaviors

ASK for help from the board

if you are unsure if what you are doing is correct... examine how much self control you have at any given moment ... and if you are feeling in control of yourself ... you are probably right on the money !

if you feel yourself losing control ... step away and re-group



Using your email as an example, I changed up some of the lines as to how I see the difference between what you wrote and how the 'stick' dictates is the best way.

Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
And I sent a short email to my WW:
Just wanted to write you before you go to your sister's wedding. I
hope it goes well, I'm sure it will be beautiful.

I hope that seeing XXX and XXXXX exchanging vows and getting married reminds you of how we felt the day we got married. Of the vows that we wrote ourselves,
and why we wanted to be married.

I remember the day that we exchanged vows, the vows that I wrote myself, and why I wanted to marry You, (her name inserted here)

Of the commitment involved, and the promises to work through anything together, for better or worse.
I remember my commitment to work through anything that I would encounter, for better or for worse.

I remember it all vividly, and still feel the same today. Remembering why I wanted to be married to you, and how good I felt once I was is something that gives me strength every day.

I hope it's a wonderful day for XXXX, and I hope you enjoy the wedding too.

But I also hope you take some time to think. I love you, and I miss my best friend.

She is foggy, and her thinking is self serving, she won't be open to anyone telling her how to think, it's a lovebuster.
What you can do is remind her, how you think and what you believe.
Can you see the difference?

As for the frequency and depth of these sort of emails, I leave up to the others.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
She is foggy, and her thinking is self serving, she won't be open to anyone telling her how to think, it's a lovebuster.
What you can do is remind her, how you think and what you believe.


Ditto V!

Hey Gurka - Like I said earlier, there as nothing "wrong" with your e-mail, but I hope you see the difference with V's edits!

Educating her and "showing" her how bad she is isn't going have any effect on her. Telling her how YOU feel,will definitely affect her and it will cause more turmoil as she tries to rationalize her actions.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Good Morning Gurka!

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Good morning RIF. No word from WW, it should be getting late, the night of the wedding there.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Gurka!

Well, don't worry if you don't hear from her for a couple more days. She's probably enjoying the time with her siters and mom. It actually might be good for her to spend time with them this week because it will remind her of some of the "good" memories that you guys have together.

Now, don't get all excited... it will remind her of the good memories, but there's no way that she's going to admit that to you. Her sister's wedding will add more to the moral conflict that she's dealing with and hopefully, it will be enough to push her back into her own M.

If you have a chance, please post your next e-mail here so V and some of the other's can take a look a it and help you take out any LB/DJ/education wording.

Hope your day is going well...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
I wasn't planning on writing her or talking to her again until the 25th when I call her. I don't even know that she has her phone (the one that I have the number for) with her though.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Gurka - Hopefully she'll have her phone with her...

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I wasn't planning on writing her or talking to her again until the 25th when I call her. I don't even know that she has her phone (the one that I have the number for) with her though.

REMEMBER, you are just calling her to wish her happy birthday and see how she's doing. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK. I don't care if she tries baiting you, you just tell her you are not getting into it and just wanted to wish her happy birthday. Do not change the tone in your voice, just stay upbeat and calm. You want her to have a good birthday, not have unpleasant thoughts on her birthday tied to relationship talk she just had with you. You don't want her to associate any negative thoughts with you going forward.

I bet she doesn't answer. Just leave a message and sound upbeat wishing her a very happy birthday. However, she will probably call back, most likely with venom. Be prepared.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
I doubt she will, it would mean bringing another phone and another charger on her cross country trip. Just one more thing to keep track of. If she doesn't answer I'll leave her a short voicemail and then write an email wishing her a happy birthday.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Not making the call for another 32 hours or so anyway wink

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
I like what Jim said, just leave her a nice cheery voice mail wishing her a happy birtday then forget about it... she will eventually call you or e-mail you.

I'll catch you tomorrow... have a good evening and get some rest!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
After all the sleep yesterday, I'm having a hard time falling asleep tonight.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Good morning Gurka!


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Good morning RIF. Had a hard time getting up this morning... time for the staff meeting.

Page 71 of 91 1 2 69 70 71 72 73 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 116 guests, and 48 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
russelltonya, arielwilson, Debby Woman, Comfortable Shoe, Sourdine
71,849 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5