Saturday night both kids were at parties. Mrs. Hold and I went to dinner late after running some errands. Mrs. Hold was describing how much she enjoyed some cocktail she had when she went out with girlfriends on Thursday. I told her I needed to learn how to make that cocktail. She expresed doubt that I could make the drink properly. Then a song came on the radio. She said that S16 had expressed surprise that she liked this song. I said sonething like "he doesn't understand you, we need to get you back to your party girl roots."

She went ballistic. She said something like "you have no idea how much that hurts me to hear. You are supposed to keep me safe. You are supposed to protect me."

I was surprised she had such a strong reaction to what I intended to be a lighthearted comment. But after giving it some thought I can see her point. She doesn't want to get drunk or high, because back when she used to do that guys took advantage of her. She feels she needs to stay sober so she can remain on alert. I can understand those feelings.

Still, it hurts that she feels she needs to stay on alert from me. And she does. I am not safe for her. I do want sex. I would consider encouraging her to drink more if I thought it would result in more sex for me. I feel that is some ways I am now like the guys who took advantage of her.

It is clear that she does not view sex with me as different from sex with others. It is not something beautiful and special we share as part of our love. It is me taking something from her. It is me getting something off her and her giving it up. Ugh. Makes me feel like puking. Not that this is a surprise by any means. But the vehemence with which she said "you are supposed to keep me SAFE" shows me how averse she is to sex with me. It is so visceral for her. So sad for both of us.