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Living2Love #2458226 12/31/10 07:37 AM
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L2L, we coached with Steve Harley for six months.



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
ManResa #2458340 12/31/10 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by ManResa
I want to say that I followed your link to the Game Plan video and watched and it was very helpful to both my husband and I. I was saying that I wished I lived near and got involved with a church like that. Then the last poster reminded me that they wouldn't get involved without the husband's request. What is up with that? I don't get it. They seem like such a great church and I was even getting a bit jealous that I could not be a member. I guess not for abused or neglected wives...

You can watch all the sermons online, though, which is the best part. smile You can 'go' every week. I sent an email to them today, asking specifically for Jeff to call my husband. See, that's the thing, my H says he DOES put me first and I just don't appreciate it. Said it this morning. I asked him if he remembered Jeff's sermon, how Jeff's friend didn't ask JEFF if he thought he put his family first, but asked JEFF'S WIFE. And why he thought that was.

He didn't know.

I told him because it was the wife's perspective of where she was in pecking order that mattered. Jeff could say all day long that he put his wife and kids first, and really believe that, but if his wife and kids didn't FEEL first, then what he said didn't hold any weight. His wife and kids wouldn't think they mattered to him, regardless of what he could assert. And that's where we are. He thinks I should concede time for money, even though he knows money is not important to me (except like air, of course...if there isn't ANY, that's a problem, but enough to live is fantastic and all I truly need).

And there's the sociopathic stuff...HE thinks money is more important that people, so he doesn't get why I don't understand that and beleive that too, because if I understood it and the pressure he is under (puts himself in? Please, we're still set up to live on 36k a year) I would be APPLAUDING all the time he puts into work.





Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2458347 12/31/10 02:23 PM
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NED:

"If your brother 12 sins (against you), go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother.
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13 If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that 'every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.'
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If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. 14 If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2458479 12/31/10 06:19 PM
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Well, so he does think money is more important than people. Seems to fit the psychological profile. Then loss of money is going to be his most important motivator. Dr. Harley wrote another book that discusses how men who divorce have less overall net worth on average than men in intact marriages. He should be made aware of that at least. Maybe when you are unhappy you cost more too, in medical bills, psychologist bills, etc.


Married 26 years
DS 25, DD 21, DD 15, DS 10, DD 7, DS 2
CWMI #2458482 12/31/10 06:23 PM
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Social pressure is not going to matter to such a person who is motivated by money (anti-social tendencies). They will just put on a show when seen and behave rottenly when not observed. Guilt is not an issue. They don't have it. So no guilt that they are not following God's laws. I really would like Dr.H to address what to do with a anti-social personality. My bio father was somewhat helped by his third wife's care so that he at least behaves more lovingly. Not that he feels anything inside, but the behavior is there, even if it is an act.


Married 26 years
DS 25, DD 21, DD 15, DS 10, DD 7, DS 2
ManResa #2458545 12/31/10 11:17 PM
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Thanks for the citation, cwmi, Matthew 18:15. It sounds like you're not rushing into anything, and from out here that looks like a prudent course of action.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2459363 01/03/11 12:45 PM
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How are you doing, ned?

I'm a big old meanie, a controlling witch who deserves to be spited, myself. *yawn* I'm practicing detached detachment and it has my H considering divorcing me again. *double yawn* He told me that he finally "Figured it out! Between the last job and this job, the common denominator is YOU!" I lol'd and said, "Not the travel?"

Oh, but my detached detachment also has my H up my butt, bringing me coffee and blankets and attempting to snuggle up against me and kissing my head and MAKING DINNER and I gave him his same, "Gawd, give me some room to breathe here!" What a sickening dance.

I wish I was only making decisions for myself, I would be in the Caribbean right now. I was at the airport yesterday picking up dsOldest, and it did hit me...I could jump on a plane and be gone.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2459373 01/03/11 01:01 PM
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There is a possibility that if your husband did not have the travel issues for you to complain about and worry about, that there would be another thing he is doing to not meet your expectations that you could focus on and complain about.

There is always something to complain about. He probably knows that if he cuts out all the travel, you will still not be happy with him.

Bubbles4U #2459374 01/03/11 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Bubbles4U
There is a possibility that if your husband did not have the travel issues for you to complain about and worry about, that there would be another thing he is doing to not meet your expectations that you could focus on and complain about.

There is always something to complain about. He probably knows that if he cuts out all the travel, you will still not be happy with him.

really? Because you or he or anyone (including me) could look back to the four months where I believed travel was a non-event and say differently.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2459380 01/03/11 01:16 PM
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Oh, but you know what, you may be right, Bubbles, I would never be happy with his stringent rules on housekeeping. We talked about this last night. He asked what housekeepers do. I did this for a short while (>1yr), as a sub-contractor and as a business owner, and I told him what I did and what my contractor required for so-many-dollars. Going rate here is $75 for a two-hour clean, including a full bath clean and kitchen surfaces, dust, sweep, vacuum, and mop of the entire house. He wanted it done three times a week, but was not willing to pay $225/week for it. He'd rather abuse me about it, like he deserves it, for some odd reason.

Like I don't already provide him a once a week service.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2459394 01/03/11 01:37 PM
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Plus childcare, which would run $150 per child in our area, per child, per week...down to $50 per child per week while they are in school...so I've basically been providing $450 per week of childcare (nevermind OT, which the daycare centers charge $5 per 15 minutes, so some days would have OT of $20 per hour, for four hours, $80) plus $75 per week of housekeeping (minimum), nevermind the cost of chef services and accounting...or at minimum, $225 per week of services he would have to pay for from anyone but his wife, plus fix his own meals and do his own books.

Which I did books, too, at $50 a week for general household stuff.

All this stuff he would have to pay for, or do himself.

But I'm useless.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2459395 01/03/11 01:37 PM
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LOL! I like to provide once a week service too!

CWMI #2459401 01/03/11 01:42 PM
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Don't you guys do the kitchen and sweep, mop, and vaccuum the entire house daily anyway?

Here's what has to be done at my house everyday (mainly cause kiddos are messy critters) vaccuum the rooms, mop/sweep the kitchen and entry way of the front room, clean the kitchen table, stove, counter tops, dishes, pick up all dirty clothes. And we have to complete at least 1, if not 2 loads of laundry a day or it's just piled up crazy.

Bathrooms are fully done on Sat or Sun along with dusting.

Isn't that what most people do? This was teh way it was done for me growing up whether I was living with my grandparents or my parents. And of course all lawn work was done on Sat or Sun

Last edited by kilted_thrower; 01/03/11 01:42 PM.

Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

kilted_thrower #2459404 01/03/11 01:52 PM
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I'm not a crazed clean freak, kt.

So, no. My house is STILL cleaner than anyone else's I've been to save the OCDs (who are the stay-home parent) or childless couple. WAY cleaner than a single person's home. Including my H's, when he was single.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Bubbles4U #2459406 01/03/11 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Bubbles4U
LOL! I like to provide once a week service too!

Do you think I should up it to his 'requirement'? He told SH that he wanted me to spend three hours a day on cleaning, outside of regular DS of laundry, meals, and general upkeep.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
kilted_thrower #2459407 01/03/11 01:55 PM
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I was just thinking about the chef services. My wife thought it would be nice to make my lunch one day. Of which I thanked her for. She decided to make my lunch the second day. I have no idea why since I have never asked her to. I think she just thought she was being nice. On the third day, I stopped her. I told her "lemme take care of my lunch."
Her: "Why? I can do it."
Me: "Because you're not making it the way I like it."
Her: "What's wrong with it."
Me: "You didn't way out the protein portion. And the romaine lettuce is too wet and in too large of pieces. The cucumber is chopped to small and you removed the skin. There wasn't near enough green olives in there and they werne't chopped. You used yellow onion instead of red onion and you left them too large of sections. I think you only put a half of abell peopper in there instead of a whole one. And there was too much blue cheese dressing and not near enough balsamic vinegar. And that's for starters."

So we went back to me making my lunches and all was happy again. She finally understood why it took me 30 min to prepare a meal for the next day.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

kilted_thrower #2459408 01/03/11 01:57 PM
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So you are anal and you don't expect your wife to be so? Will you talk to my H?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2459409 01/03/11 01:58 PM
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I WILL SEND YOU HIS PHONE NUMBER!!!


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2459412 01/03/11 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by CWMI
I'm not a crazed clean freak, kt.

So, no. My house is STILL cleaner than anyone else's I've been to save the OCDs (who are the stay-home parent) or childless couple. WAY cleaner than a single person's home. Including my H's, when he was single.

Oh. Well, maybe it's just traditional for me then to do it this way. And if I/we don't do this on a daily basis with having so many young children, the house looks dirty and cluttered. All the shoe scuffs on teh tile, kids getting food on the carpet even though we don't eat outside of the kitchen. I do know that during teh summer when I'm not working, the cleaning can take a good 2-3 hours. Of course it's 20 min here and 20 min there. Thankfully the 8 year old is big enough to take out the bathroom trashes and the 4 year old can pick up her own room now.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

CWMI #2459413 01/03/11 02:01 PM
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jeje...I can still scream on teh interwebz...

I don't really want you, kt, to counsel my H. The reason being is that you are not where I want to be in my relationship. I don't want a H who thinks it is fine if I go on a drinking party bus for the night without him. I want a more protective H than you are.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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