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While you're there you can remind her that Hill needs lots of SF!!! DJ alert, Hill. ETA: When a wife does this, we call it "nagging."
Last edited by markos; 05/30/11 09:36 AM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Wife and I just got into it a bit. Not a huge fight but it was very difficult. She insulted me repeatedly, told me my complaint was invalid, etc. It stems around me saying "no" to her. I was doing something important to me(posting on this forum), she felt what she needed to do trumped my activity, so she dropped baby in my lap while asking me if I wanted to watch her. I told her that her request for me to watch the baby didn't seem like a request at all since the baby was on my lap before you finished the question. She got angry about me telling her no, snatched the baby out of my arms, and said "fine I'll just hold her then." Almost like an adult tantrum kind of a thing. I asked for clarification about it and she began to insult me again. I said, "you're insulting me please stop" to which she replied, "no I'm not."
The reason I bring this up is not to figure out what to do tonight, we'll be fine, just need to cool off a bit. What my concern is that I'm not in touch with my Taker? I'm really not sure, but it revolves around me not telling my wife "no" enough. I walk around saying, "sure" or "ok" all day and at some point I've had enough of it. My wife knows that it bothers me that she asks me to do so many things for her. To her credit she has gotten better, but today was an all out "askathon" and I often times feel taken advantage of when this occurs. The requests I suppose are SD's? I mean they are not rude, there are just so many of them. Today I honestly feel like I've maxed out my ability to handle any more, "can you's".
Anyway, she went upstairs to shower, insulted me one more time on the way up, then told me she wasn't gonna fight with me? I'm sure everything will be fine, I'm just kind of disappointed. That's a lot of issues here, Hilltopper. First, a reminder not to try to tell each other about disrespectful judgments (such as insults) on the fly. Typically most couples can't negotiate this on the fly, at least according to our coach from Dr. Harley. Are you guys using the DJ forms? Prisca tells me she's asked this a number of times and never received an answer. Second, saying that your wife is having an adult tantrum is a disrespectful judgment. I know you qualified it by saying "almost," but the fact is it doesn't make a difference to your wife's Love Bank. Third, remember the Policy of Joint Agreement. Obviously your wife didn't want you posting on the board at that point in time. So when that happens, put what you're doing aside and negotiate until you come to an arrangement you are both enthusiastic about. Obviously that's going to be difficult due to the continued presence of disrespectful judgments on both your parts, but at the very least since you can detect that she's not enthusiastic about you posting, stop at that point. Finally, I don't think you have a problem being in touch with your Taker at all. I think you're just still involved in some disrespectful judgments (and so is she) and the level of care you're providing for each other is not yet enough to fill the love bank accounts, especially with the continued presence of disrespectful judgments. The solution is to end the love busters and tighten up your performance to fill your account in her love bank faster ... she will respond, I promise.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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And just a reminder that the program doesn't work if you don't follow it. For example, it doesn't work if you don't eliminate disrespectful judgments. Like the following: she felt what she needed to do trumped my activity, Deciding what she felt is a disrespectful judgment. "Trumped" sounds pretty disrespectful as well. so she dropped baby in my lap while asking me if I wanted to watch her. I told her that her request for me to watch the baby didn't seem like a request at all since the baby was on my lap before you finished the question. I really think this was kind of disrespectful on your part as well. It seems to me a better approach would be to simply so "no" if you really have to. Or let her know what you were doing and have a discussion negotiating who is going to do what. No need to judge the way she made the request. Almost like an adult tantrum kind of a thing. As I already noted, this is a disrespectful judgment. You are saying she's acting like a child, and I promise you noone wants to hear that from their spouse. My wife knows that it bothers me that she asks me to do so many things for her. DJ: "my wife knows." You are claiming to read her mind. And also ... if she's not making demands, requests in a marriage are good!!!! You can't have a relationship of mutual care if you aren't making requests of each other. To her credit she has gotten better, but today was an all out "askathon" Don't get so hyperbolic, that's a DJ. and I often times feel taken advantage of when this occurs. The requests I suppose are SD's? I mean they are not rude, there are just so many of them. Today I honestly feel like I've maxed out my ability to handle any more, "can you's". Then just say "no" instead of judging the way she makes her requests, starting a distracting discussion about her insulting you (instead of just noting it on the DJ form for the next week), etc. A question: do you want to have a relationship of mutual care?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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And just a reminder that the program doesn't work if you don't follow it. For example, it doesn't work if you don't eliminate disrespectful judgments. Like the following: she felt what she needed to do trumped my activity, Deciding what she felt is a disrespectful judgment. "Trumped" sounds pretty disrespectful as well. so she dropped baby in my lap while asking me if I wanted to watch her. I told her that her request for me to watch the baby didn't seem like a request at all since the baby was on my lap before you finished the question. I really think this was kind of disrespectful on your part as well. It seems to me a better approach would be to simply so "no" if you really have to. Or let her know what you were doing and have a discussion negotiating who is going to do what. No need to judge the way she made the request. Almost like an adult tantrum kind of a thing. As I already noted, this is a disrespectful judgment. You are saying she's acting like a child, and I promise you noone wants to hear that from their spouse. My wife knows that it bothers me that she asks me to do so many things for her. DJ: "my wife knows." You are claiming to read her mind. And also ... if she's not making demands, requests in a marriage are good!!!! You can't have a relationship of mutual care if you aren't making requests of each other. To her credit she has gotten better, but today was an all out "askathon" Don't get so hyperbolic, that's a DJ. and I often times feel taken advantage of when this occurs. The requests I suppose are SD's? I mean they are not rude, there are just so many of them. Today I honestly feel like I've maxed out my ability to handle any more, "can you's". Then just say "no" instead of judging the way she makes her requests, starting a distracting discussion about her insulting you (instead of just noting it on the DJ form for the next week), etc. A question: do you want to have a relationship of mutual care? I think the solution involves me learning how to ask my wife for things that are my needs. As it stands today I ask for almost nothing aside from a pot of coffee. It also involves me dealing with her saying "no" better than I do now. I take "no" as rejection. When I feel rejected, I stop asking. My plan is to build confidence in asking for my needs to be met by starting small. I can't come out and ask for SF as a starting point, I would be better off asking for coffee and go from there. It seems silly that I need to build confidence in asking my wife for things, but who cares, it is what it is and I need to deal with it. We are not using the worksheet for LB's, I'm gonna start now.
Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
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You said something about your wife asking you to do a bunch of stuff. Are these house hold repairs, cleaning projects?
You might start by asking your wife if there is anything she needs you to do that day. I like 'honey do' lists as it's a guide to get things done that my wife feels is important.
I agree that she shouldn't have just dumped the kiddo on your lap. But before you sit down and start posting, you might say "hey, I'm going to get on the computer for a bit. Is that cool or do you need help with anything?"
And don't just throw out LBs on the fly because you two can't seem to handle it yet. But I do think you have a right to say, "I would appreciate it if you stop snapping/raising your voice/yelling at me". She may not feel that way but you don't have to engage in an argument. Just state how you feel and go on your way.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
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Son 8 (autistic)
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I think the solution involves me learning how to ask my wife for things that are my needs. As it stands today I ask for almost nothing aside from a pot of coffee. Is this your perception or would your wife see it the same way? Typically how we view ourselves is different. For example, you feel like your wife engaged you in a 'askathon'. Perhaps she didn't see it this way and felt she had just asked you to do a few things. However you felt she has asked you to do a ton of stuff.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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Hill-
Please don't take this as a 2x4, I know you don't like those, just thought maybe a mom's point of view might be helpful. Markos and KT are giving you great info. And maybe you had already been caring for all 3 children for 12 hours straight when above incident happened. I realize I don't know all the details.
Do you guys have any sort of agreement on child care responsibilities? I am assuming (correct me if I am wrong) you have a job ~ 40 hours/week and Grace is a SAHM. Is she considered responsible for the kids 24/7 unless you agree to take a shift (eg- she is out for a run) or do you split the responsibility for the time you are not at work?
I think it is hard to understand how overwhelming the 24/7 nature of child care responsibility can be, and I think telling her "no" about caring for your own child could really undermine what you are hoping to accomplish-- a wife madly in love with you who is responsive to your overtures for SF.
Perhaps the division of child care responsibilities on the weekend would be topic of POJA, but might be too complex for one of the initial tries?
EmilyAnn
50+ yo couple enjoying our empty nest.
Young adult kids out on their own.
"Enthusiastic agreement?" is our catch phrase.
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Hill-
Please don't take this as a 2x4, I know you don't like those, just thought maybe a mom's point of view might be helpful. Markos and KT are giving you great info. And maybe you had already been caring for all 3 children for 12 hours straight when above incident happened. I realize I don't know all the details.
Do you guys have any sort of agreement on child care responsibilities? I am assuming (correct me if I am wrong) you have a job ~ 40 hours/week and Grace is a SAHM. Is she considered responsible for the kids 24/7 unless you agree to take a shift (eg- she is out for a run) or do you split the responsibility for the time you are not at work?
I think it is hard to understand how overwhelming the 24/7 nature of child care responsibility can be, and I think telling her "no" about caring for your own child could really undermine what you are hoping to accomplish-- a wife madly in love with you who is responsive to your overtures for SF.
Perhaps the division of child care responsibilities on the weekend would be topic of POJA, but might be too complex for one of the initial tries?
EmilyAnn We split the duties when I'm not working, in fact I tend to watch them more when she has things to do. I'm likely different from a lot of Dads, I'm very hands on and spend a lot of time with them cause I enjoy it. Part of what I brought up before that I got 2x4'd on was that she says she has "so much to do." Much of what she has to do is not things like laundry, it is more "projects" which is her term not mine. These "projects" are important to her, I get that, but it takes a toll on the marriage because she has so many things on her plate. In fact these "projects" get her stressed out. She enjoys gardening and that is fine. But describing taking out one plant and putting in another as a "chore" I just don't think is an honest statement. It is her hobby, not a chore. Her hobby is spent without me, while I'm taking care of the kids. I know this must be a DJ, but I don't know how else to describe it. We've had this discussion in the past, but I NEVER bring it up now as it counter-productive.
Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
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Hill-
Please don't take this as a 2x4, I know you don't like those, just thought maybe a mom's point of view might be helpful. Markos and KT are giving you great info. And maybe you had already been caring for all 3 children for 12 hours straight when above incident happened. I realize I don't know all the details.
Do you guys have any sort of agreement on child care responsibilities? I am assuming (correct me if I am wrong) you have a job ~ 40 hours/week and Grace is a SAHM. Is she considered responsible for the kids 24/7 unless you agree to take a shift (eg- she is out for a run) or do you split the responsibility for the time you are not at work?
I think it is hard to understand how overwhelming the 24/7 nature of child care responsibility can be, and I think telling her "no" about caring for your own child could really undermine what you are hoping to accomplish-- a wife madly in love with you who is responsive to your overtures for SF.
Perhaps the division of child care responsibilities on the weekend would be topic of POJA, but might be too complex for one of the initial tries?
EmilyAnn We split the duties when I'm not working, in fact I tend to watch them more when she has things to do. I'm likely different from a lot of Dads, I'm very hands on and spend a lot of time with them cause I enjoy it. Part of what I brought up before that I got 2x4'd on was that she says she has "so much to do." Much of what she has to do is not things like laundry, it is more "projects" which is her term not mine. These "projects" are important to her, I get that, but it takes a toll on the marriage because she has so many things on her plate. In fact these "projects" get her stressed out. She enjoys gardening and that is fine. But describing taking out one plant and putting in another as a "chore" I just don't think is an honest statement. It is her hobby, not a chore. Her hobby is spent without me, while I'm taking care of the kids. I know this must be a DJ, but I don't know how else to describe it. We've had this discussion in the past, but I NEVER bring it up now as it counter-productive. The last sentence in this may be the most constructive string of words in your post. The rest, Hill, is a nice, long string of disrespectful judgements. I used to do a lot of that, too. DJ/DH are probably my two biggest LBs. The only thing you can examine here, is if these "projects" fall in to AH or IB, because if they do, then they need to be addressed.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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HT, how is the UA time looking? Are you two sitting down and scheduling it? How many hrs did you get last week?
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Hill-
Please don't take this as a 2x4, I know you don't like those, just thought maybe a mom's point of view might be helpful. Markos and KT are giving you great info. And maybe you had already been caring for all 3 children for 12 hours straight when above incident happened. I realize I don't know all the details.
Do you guys have any sort of agreement on child care responsibilities? I am assuming (correct me if I am wrong) you have a job ~ 40 hours/week and Grace is a SAHM. Is she considered responsible for the kids 24/7 unless you agree to take a shift (eg- she is out for a run) or do you split the responsibility for the time you are not at work?
I think it is hard to understand how overwhelming the 24/7 nature of child care responsibility can be, and I think telling her "no" about caring for your own child could really undermine what you are hoping to accomplish-- a wife madly in love with you who is responsive to your overtures for SF.
Perhaps the division of child care responsibilities on the weekend would be topic of POJA, but might be too complex for one of the initial tries?
EmilyAnn We split the duties when I'm not working, in fact I tend to watch them more when she has things to do. I'm likely different from a lot of Dads, I'm very hands on and spend a lot of time with them cause I enjoy it. Part of what I brought up before that I got 2x4'd on was that she says she has "so much to do." Much of what she has to do is not things like laundry, it is more "projects" which is her term not mine. These "projects" are important to her, I get that, but it takes a toll on the marriage because she has so many things on her plate. In fact these "projects" get her stressed out. She enjoys gardening and that is fine. But describing taking out one plant and putting in another as a "chore" I just don't think is an honest statement. It is her hobby, not a chore. Her hobby is spent without me, while I'm taking care of the kids. I know this must be a DJ, but I don't know how else to describe it. We've had this discussion in the past, but I NEVER bring it up now as it counter-productive. The last sentence in this may be the most constructive string of words in your post. The rest, Hill, is a nice, long string of disrespectful judgements. I used to do a lot of that, too. DJ/DH are probably my two biggest LBs. The only thing you can examine here, is if these "projects" fall in to AH or IB, because if they do, then they need to be addressed. I agree they are a strong of DJs. I struggle then with meeting her needs vs my own happiness. On the one hand, watching the kids so she can pursue her interests makes her happy. If I'm the one making it possible for her to be happy, I would think that would be a LB deposit. On the other hand though, I feel like a "paycheck" and a "babysitter" on the weekends especially. We are not yet to a point of compromise or negotiation. We are just trying to meet needs and avoid LBs. In fact I'm down right terrified to try and negotiate with my wife. I feel like I have no power in this relationship, I do whatever she wants. We filled out our ENQ and read them to each other. It was nice and enlightening. I learned some things and so did she. I'm not so sure how to implement those needs however. I'm doing my best to meet hers, I guess I can't do anything that will cause her to meet mine. Affection is gone although she did approach and kiss me this morning which was surprising and nice so hopefully that is a sign.
Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
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HT, how is the UA time looking? Are you two sitting down and scheduling it? How many hrs did you get last week? We got a few hours in, one night of scrabble, one long walk. Other than that just two tired people watching TV together. This weekend was spent at a friends house Saturday and a pool party Monday. I've repeatedly said I'd like to plan for UA, but I never get anywhere with it. I don't want to demand we plan it, but all I can do is ask.
Married 15 years
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10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
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The enq is supposed to show you how to meet those needs because it shows how you want them met.
Stop being terrified. It will cause her to lose respect for you. And when a woman loses respect for her husband/a man, they are in trouble.
If you two are not getting your time in, then she should not be running outside gardening while you're inside with the kids. How old is the baby exactly? You need to learn to speak up (without being disrespectful) and let her know that certain things make you unhappy.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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Well .. I might do that .. but one thing I would like to chime in on was a few (many) pages back you mentioned a vasectomy. I would go get that done ... possibly your wife is nervous about getting preggo again and condoms/birth control are a bit of a turn off for her. Its ALOT easier to SF when you know your not having any more kids and you have made sure (by vasectomy) that the chances are NULL to her getting preggo again. ONce you do this .. you will find that your sex will be alot more spntaneous becasue you dont have to go "do you got protection hun?" and waste those few extra moments to "put one on" in the heat of the moment ... its alot nicer to just not have to stop and lose your "momentum".
Get er done ... asap if you dont plan on any more kids ... you wife will love you for it! .. do it on a friday (mid afternoon) then sit on a bag of frozen veggies for the weekend and youll be back to work on monday NP. Then a week from then you'll be good to go! And that week off you give your wife (unless you plan it around her period) will give your wife some "relief of pressure" until you guys are in tune again.
MNG Yep this is our plan! By the way I bought a bottle of Maca Root the other day. My wife isn't down with taking some yet, but it appears that it is great for both men and women. Do you take it? If so what changes have you seen in yourself? I was specifically interested in it effects on skin(mine is very dry) and adrenal glands. Energy is a big problem for me. Yes I do take it. What i noticed was I had more energy at the end of the day. . my recovery time when i work out is reduced by alot .. and anxiety and stress is reduced a signifigantly and my drive for sex is not as strong and demanding as it would be otherwise. Which is probably due to possibly having too much testosterone .. and the maca leveled me off to some degree... now that doesnt mean I cant be persuaded to sex ... or that I dont want it .. but the "urge" is no longer as strong or taxing on my mind. p.s. Maca takes about 5 days of full dosage to notice its effects. I take 1/2 the dosage in the morning .. and the other 1/2 at lunch time. On Fridays I would take my dosage late in the afternoon so i have TONS of energy on friday evenings! .. also its a cycle .. 3 weeks on .. and one week off. MY wife stops maca when her period starts and I stop aswell .. we start and stop together. MNG
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What types of things did you two do while you were falling in love? Try to ask her to do these things with you.
I know you mentioned the walk was enjoyable, maybe you could start there, ask her if she would be willing to have a sitter come to the house 1-2 times a week for an hour or so so that the two of you can go on a long walk. Maybe this will help to ease her into using a babysitter... (Make sure this UA time is very enjoyable for her if it happens!)
I am going to recommend that if in a few weeks time if she is still refusing to schedule the UA time with you & refusing to use babysitters that you email back the radio show. (Don't threaten her with this or anything along those lines) I believe Dr Harley's advice for you was based on your comments that she was willing to spend UA time with you but finding good babysitters was an issue.
Last edited by SusieQ; 05/31/11 12:53 PM.
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Well .. I might do that .. but one thing I would like to chime in on was a few (many) pages back you mentioned a vasectomy. I would go get that done ... possibly your wife is nervous about getting preggo again and condoms/birth control are a bit of a turn off for her. Its ALOT easier to SF when you know your not having any more kids and you have made sure (by vasectomy) that the chances are NULL to her getting preggo again. ONce you do this .. you will find that your sex will be alot more spntaneous becasue you dont have to go "do you got protection hun?" and waste those few extra moments to "put one on" in the heat of the moment ... its alot nicer to just not have to stop and lose your "momentum".
Get er done ... asap if you dont plan on any more kids ... you wife will love you for it! .. do it on a friday (mid afternoon) then sit on a bag of frozen veggies for the weekend and youll be back to work on monday NP. Then a week from then you'll be good to go! And that week off you give your wife (unless you plan it around her period) will give your wife some "relief of pressure" until you guys are in tune again.
MNG Yep this is our plan! By the way I bought a bottle of Maca Root the other day. My wife isn't down with taking some yet, but it appears that it is great for both men and women. Do you take it? If so what changes have you seen in yourself? I was specifically interested in it effects on skin(mine is very dry) and adrenal glands. Energy is a big problem for me. Yes I do take it. What i noticed was I had more energy at the end of the day. . my recovery time when i work out is reduced by alot .. and anxiety and stress is reduced a signifigantly and my drive for sex is not as strong and demanding as it would be otherwise. Which is probably due to possibly having too much testosterone .. and the maca leveled me off to some degree... now that doesnt mean I cant be persuaded to sex ... or that I dont want it .. but the "urge" is no longer as strong or taxing on my mind. p.s. Maca takes about 5 days of full dosage to notice its effects. I take 1/2 the dosage in the morning .. and the other 1/2 at lunch time. On Fridays I would take my dosage late in the afternoon so i have TONS of energy on friday evenings! .. also its a cycle .. 3 weeks on .. and one week off. MY wife stops maca when her period starts and I stop aswell .. we start and stop together. MNG Ok just started this morning. Would you advise against taking it at night? I have problems sleeping anyways.
Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
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I advise you to not take it at night .. (especially after its effects start working) becasue it could keep you up longer than you want. Fridays is not so bad (at least for me) becasue I can sleep a bit extra on Saturday morning to spend extra time in the evening with my wife on a Friday night. (my daughter gets up with my son and makes him breakfast and they play Wii together till we get up).
Did you get capsules? or Powder? Hopefully caps .. since they remove the starch from it and leave just the maca ingredient. MY caps have 750mg in each one and I take 4 a day (2 in the morning with breakfast and 2 with lunch) as per the bottle suggests and some Fridays I will take all 4 at lunch or late afternoon.
Also ... Do you have a wind up baby swing? BOTH my children LOVED their swing! .. THey would nap in it .. and have no problems chilling in it if we had to do chores etc for a bit.
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I advise you to not take it at night .. (especially after its effects start working) becasue it could keep you up longer than you want. Fridays is not so bad (at least for me) becasue I can sleep a bit extra on Saturday morning to spend extra time in the evening with my wife on a Friday night. (my daughter gets up with my son and makes him breakfast and they play Wii together till we get up).
Did you get capsules? or Powder? Hopefully caps .. since they remove the starch from it and leave just the maca ingredient. MY caps have 750mg in each one and I take 4 a day (2 in the morning with breakfast and 2 with lunch) as per the bottle suggests and some Fridays I will take all 4 at lunch or late afternoon.
Also ... Do you have a wind up baby swing? BOTH my children LOVED their swing! .. THey would nap in it .. and have no problems chilling in it if we had to do chores etc for a bit. I got capsules. I feel great today actually, which is day three. Went to bed about ten, slept the entire night till 3am, stirred for an hour, then fell asleep again till 6am. Normally I'd be feeling so tired after waking up for an hour at 3am, but right now I feel pretty alert. It also says it is good for anxiety which is good, so I'm excited to see if I feel less anxious during the day and in the middle of the night. We have a swing, exersaucer, she sits up with toys, etc. She is teething though which means she is more needy and we can't get her down in her crib yet. Our first child was the same way, would scream for 45 minutes straight until she would pass out and sleep of exhaustion. Much of this will change as baby gets older, but in the mean time it is very tough for both my wife and I.
Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740 |
What types of things did you two do while you were falling in love? Try to ask her to do these things with you.
I know you mentioned the walk was enjoyable, maybe you could start there, ask her if she would be willing to have a sitter come to the house 1-2 times a week for an hour or so so that the two of you can go on a long walk. Maybe this will help to ease her into using a babysitter... (Make sure this UA time is very enjoyable for her if it happens!)
I am going to recommend that if in a few weeks time if she is still refusing to schedule the UA time with you & refusing to use babysitters that you email back the radio show. (Don't threaten her with this or anything along those lines) I believe Dr Harley's advice for you was based on your comments that she was willing to spend UA time with you but finding good babysitters was an issue. Susie Q, I think both my wife and I are spending more time that we did before which is a good thing! We are aware that we need to "plan" UA time more than we currently are now which is where the sticking point is. I've felt for a long time I'm not really the one to plan our social calendar, my wife has always assumed that role. Because of this I not only am not in the practice of deciding when and where we spend UA time, but when I do suggest it get a bit of push back at times. Its not an, "I don't want to", it is more of a "we'll see..." That is where I don't know what to do next. I take that as kind of a push off. On top of this the babysitting relationships include her parents, a daughter of her friend, and potentially two other of her friends she has so it would seem odd for me to circumvent my wife's relationships to plan the date, you know?
Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
It's good that you are both aware that you need to start planning the UA time. Look at this quote by Dr Harley from the Five Steps Workbook (pg 182): A point I make repeatedly in both Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs is that romantic love cannot be created or sustained without time for undivided attention. You don't have to be a genius to discover that unless you schedule time to meet each other's emotional needs, it won't get done. If either my H or myself said "we'll see" it wouldn't happen. We sit down with our schedules on Sun or Mon and we try to plan out the week with at least one date night. Then we line up our babysitter for our weekly date night. Approach your W and respectfully request that you two start scheduling your UA time weekly, say on every Sunday night so that it can become a habit. Be upbeat and don't approach her when either of you is in a bad mood. Let us know what she thinks of doing this.
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