I am very excited to say that DH and I had a LONG thorough conversation about *everything* last night.
We spent majority of the coversation on the infatuation with OM. We, also, talked about our marriage in general and all of my behaviors (which would constitute LB-ing).
I ought to say at the outset that he says that he STILL feels the same about how he should handle the situation with OM. I think, however, after our talk that he will (have no choice but to) look at OM differently...and DH will naturally withdraw from OM.
So I did not say the exact paragraph as outlined above BUT I covered all the bases. We started out talking about our marriage. I asked him if he noticed when things "changed" with me: when things changed in our marriage.
He did not hesitate; he knew EXACTLY when. I was truly surprised by that. His opinion on my change of behavior is that I was just beginning to "live a little". He thinks that I give myself too many restrictions; I have always been too constrained since childhood...and I deserve to explore. He was not (and will not) interfere. He sees what I am doing but he thinks I need to get it out and figure out what exactly it is I want out of life rather than what I am supposed to want (or what "other people" think I should want).
He says he wants me to be happy. In order for me to be happy, I MUST figure out for myself what I want...and he has to allow me the space to do that.
This is where we got to OM. I told him that he was aware of the infatuation and that I want OM: "What if I want [OM]?" I told DH that what he was telling me was that I should just follow whatever thoughts or feelings I was having including being with OM. He said, "Wrong." He is not telling me to act impulsively; he is telling me to really THINK about what I want and then act. He says, "I am the one who really loves you. I take care of you." Not OM.
DH is 100% certain that I will not cheat on him. He picked me because of who I am; he knows my character...and he knows I will not cheat. When he was choosing a woman to be his wife, he was choosing a woman (of virtue) and he is confident in his choice. He holds me in the highest esteem and he knows that I will make the right choices.
(I really love him for saying and believing that...but I was annoyed that he trust me more than I trust myself.)
I told him that I can guarantee him that if I continue down the path I was on, I will cheat on him. I guarantee it. He disagreed. Ok.
I said, "If you know I like [name], you don't bring him in our home, in my bedroom, put him in my bed, and say 'Good luck'. There is a difference between trust and stupidity...a difference between trust and burying your head in the sand." He said, "Wrong." He is not burying his head in the sand because he trusts my ability to make the right choice. He only gives me one rule (just one): not to **[SF]** someone else. He believes I will not do it. And he is never going to believe otherwise until I do it. I should talk to him after I do it.
At one point he said, "I don't know. Maybe this guy really opened your eyes or something..." He said if it was any other man, he'd have a problem with both me and OM. He said that "Luckily, I am not like that. If my friend slept with you, I wouldn't even be mad at him. I'd be mad at you." He said he has expectations of me that he does not have of his friends. He would be hurt and disappointed (if I failed). He has no expectations of his friends. He said the only way he would be mad at his friend is if the friend slept with his wife and didn't tell him. He expects his friend to say, "Hey man, I slept with your wife. Your wife is sh**." I said then what he is telling me is that he is choosing his friendship over his marital contract. He'd be mad at me but still be friends with the OM. He went on to say that he knows that friends will always choose themselves over you. I'd be the only one not meeting his expectations.
He said that OM was his friend before I decided to like him...and OM is still his friend. Should he lose all his friends...or only hang around fat, ugly, disgusting, unattractive people so his wife will not like them? I said that "Okay, so I [messed] up. I did not have up my guard up around OM, he was your friend and I wrongfully thought I didn't need to have my guard up. I had weak boundaries with him and I like him. So just this one friend...you have to protect your marriage against this one friend..." He said that it is my responsibilty to handle that-- not his. I said it is "our responsibilty" to protect "our marriage"...
The coversation went on and on in this fashion... We talked for a LONG time...
We did NOT argue. No AOs! I was pleased with that...