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I'm sorry frown

I don't blame you ONE BIT (even though it was an AO) because you know I have been there.

Your LB is in the red girlfriend, and I don't see Kiss care one bit about that. He wants to stay married to you but under his terms, which is a half [censored] effort at best to 'work the program' only not really working the program, just spending time together (and it doesn't even seem like most of this is true UA time) and not even enough time.

Bottom line it is not about what he thinks is needed for recovery. You are the BS and YOU decide what is needed for recovery. YOU decide what you need to heal. That was one of my greatest issues for a long time, the fact that I was so hurt, and I thought how could H not only hurt me but now choose to NOT do the things that might take some of this pain away? Why would he choose to watch me suffer longer and longer rather than get off his duff and do the work? Made me feel like SUCH a low priority.

I am sorry Kiss did not step up. I am sorry that he left. What is your plan now? Are you thinking about going back into Plan B? I think it would definitely be warranted. I think you have done everything you can at this point.



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Originally Posted by unwritten
Your LB is in the red girlfriend, and I don't see Kiss care one bit about that. He wants to stay married to you but under his terms, which is a half [censored] effort at best to 'work the program' only not really working the program, just spending time together (and it doesn't even seem like most of this is true UA time) and not even enough time.

Bottom line it is not about what he thinks is needed for recovery. You are the BS and YOU decide what is needed for recovery. YOU decide what you need to heal. That was one of my greatest issues for a long time, the fact that I was so hurt, and I thought how could H not only hurt me but now choose to NOT do the things that might take some of this pain away? Why would he choose to watch me suffer longer and longer rather than get off his duff and do the work? Made me feel like SUCH a low priority.

Exactly! That is how I feel. He was let into the house because he said he agreed with and would follow through with my terms. He still has not completed those terms or even shown any interest in doing them. I don't have to settle for that. It's no hardship for me if he's not living there. Emotionally is a whole other ball game. But I've gone through it before.

But yes, I have done all I can at this point.


Northwood, I thad the same thought in my head the other night. Because when kiss is annoyed he won't call me or will physically turn his back on me. This is too big of a trauma for childish games. And I certainly don't deserve it

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Are you going to go into Plan B again?

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I'm weighing my options smile

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I'm really sorry, RQ. It truly does seem that Kiss has had to be drug along the recovery path for quite some time. While I, in particular, didn't have a problem "leading" recovery (because I knew what it was going to take for me) it was because I had a spouse who was willing to do WHATEVER I needed, for however long I needed. Everything that has been asked of him he has done enthusiastically - or at least with a good attitude. I think we were all hoping that Kiss was going to get there. It's obvious he has not.

False recovery can be a very difficult thing. For some it is worse than the original betrayal.

Make sure your ducks are in a row - every last one of them! If ever there was a time to go to plan B it is NOW. Do it for yourself - for your children. It really is the best way to a healthier you - no matter WHAT is going on with Kiss. I remember what a bumpy ride it was for you and the kids previously when he left - lots of drama: drama that can pull you under and drown you quickly. You have to take care of yourself!



"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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It's funny how rocketqueen puts all the blame of our failing recovery on me! When ever I bring up issues she has to throw something back in my face. I thought that this program was about discussing your emotional needs and how each other is doing. Giving feedback to Rocketqueen is like calling for world war three. I feel like this is the last years of our marriage repeated. In the same room with her but really alone!!!! Come home all excited to see her and get nothing! Nothing!!!!!!!! I should be custom to this treatment. It's how I have felt for years.Let her know it bothers you or you are disappointed and all of the sudden you are the piece of crap.

I love my wife so much but she talks a great game of following this program but she doesn't do it her self. i have sat down with her to plan out our week but we get no where. Always excuses or some other problem. I have said I would leave my job but she says no that its not a big issue and I would loose to much money. Last night we talk about things and it now the jobs hours are a huge issue.

I don't want to lose my wife. She is everything to me. No she hasn't meet my emotional needs but I am ok with that I have done something terrable to her and I don't deserve her but she doesn't look at anything from my view. I just want her to be their for me and I want her to be my best friend!!!! I'm still am getting the our marriage is a job. You do those things over their and I will do the things here attitude. Instead of lets get these things done here together and then we can work on those thing together after.

I LOVE MY WIFE!!!!! SSSOOO FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I KNOW WE COULD BE GOOD.

chalupee I love you
forever no matter what
KISS

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Kiss I think you would get excellent coaching on your own thread. There isn't anything we can do here for you here without disrupting RQs thread.

That is why spouses don't post on each others thread.

Many a WS has won back their BS using MB coaching, even from afar.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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RQ if you need an IM let me know.

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Thanks unwritten, right now I am absolutely appalled and humiliated. I will notify the mods for your email.

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Don't be humiliated. Kiss has had many, many people try to help him on his own thread, and he has not embraced that help. If he was having issues regarding how YOU were working the program, he could have asked for advice on his OWN THREAD about that, and he would have gotten help.

Now when you are being advised plan B, he comes on your thread to try and what, derail you, make you look bad to us, change our perception or advice to you, or send you some kind of message...you are not the one who should be humiliated about that.

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Originally Posted by unwritten
Don't be humiliated. Kiss has had many, many people try to help him on his own thread, and he has not embraced that help. If he was having issues regarding how YOU were working the program, he could have asked for advice on his OWN THREAD about that, and he would have gotten help.

Now when you are being advised plan B, he comes on your thread to try and what, derail you, make you look bad to us, change our perception or advice to you, or send you some kind of message...you are not the one who should be humiliated about that.

AGREED!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Quote
Love Busters covers passive-aggressiveness, apathy, and bad habits.
Which of the LBs cover passive-aggressiveness and apathy?


BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
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Originally Posted by kiss
It's funny how rocketqueen puts all the blame of our failing recovery on me! When ever I bring up issues she has to throw something back in my face. Not sure what he is talking about here I thought that this program was about discussing your emotional needs and how each other is doing. says the guy who hasn't even read the articles here and has NO idea what the program is about Giving feedback to Rocketqueen is like calling for world war three. I feel like this is the last years of our marriage repeated. In the same room with her but really alone!!!! Come home all excited to see her and get nothing! Nothing!!!!!!!! I should be custom to this treatment. It's how I have felt for years. Let her know it bothers you or you are disappointed and all of the sudden you are the piece of crap. Sounds like the same things he said to blame his affair on me. Now I'm responsible for our recovery getting nowhere
I love my wife so much but she talks a great game of following this program but she doesn't do it her self. i have sat down with her to plan out our week but we get no where. Always excuses or some other problem. This is not true I have said I would leave my job but she says no that its not a big issue and I would loose to much money. Last night we talk about things and it now the jobs hours are a huge issue. I spoke to how we need counseling. It is difficult for him to go with his hours. The coaching is expensive. So why not make use of the free and priceless advice we get here and in the books. I don't want to lose my wife. She is everything to me. No she hasn't meet my emotional needs but I am ok with that I have done something terrable to her and I don't deserve her but she doesn't look at anything from my view. I just want her to be their for me and I want her to be my best friend!!!! I'm still am getting the our marriage is a job. You do those things over their and I will do the things here attitude. Instead of lets get these things done here together and then we can work on those thing together after.

I LOVE MY WIFE!!!!! SSSOOO FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I KNOW WE COULD BE GOOD.

chalupee I love you
forever no matter what
KISS

Since he decided to call me out on a few things here.

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You don't need to defend yourself RQ.

The beauty of being HERE ON THIS BOARD is that, unless we are VERY manipulative and are masterminds at snowing the best lie sniffer outers that no money can buy, we can not be here, blogging about our life and our recovery, without the BEST people calling us out on our own BS. It has happened to me...well...more times than I can count. It continues to happen to me, except now I am pretty sure I am going to get called out when I am typing something but I type it anyway, because I just need a good verbal spanking every now and then and I know it. So we know what you've done and haven't done, because you have been here writing about it, and if your head was in the sand about something the good people here would have called you out about it.

There are times when my H could have written that very paragraph. Bottom line is, we are hurt as the BS, beyond words. Beyond their understanding really, unless they too have felt the sting of betrayal (which Kiss has not). Even if, over this recovery period, you had lashed out here and there, withdrawn and refused to meet some of his needs, failed in following the program some days, let the little devil of resentment run the show a day or two...it is to be expected. Not advised, but expected. Understandable. ANY BS on this board can understand.

It is the WS job to lead recovery, to take the higher road DESPITE your reactions on those hard days. Not to use them against you and throw it in your face as to why the recovery is going no where.

You are here, posting, seeking help. You are reading, educating yourself, doing everything you can to better understand how your M got to this point and how to get it out. We know what you desire and what you are willing to work for, because you have written about it many of the days over the last what, year? (IDK I missed your first thread) Have you had bad days, have you withdrawn, have you failed to play the perfect game of cards? Has ANY BS played the perfect game??? I'm guessing not, me, not even CLOSE. So don't feel like you need to defend yourself to his rant. You don't.


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Thanks unwritten (and to sunny D) for your encouragement. I had been avoiding kiss's thread and just now went to read it. And you are right that many, many times he has been given advice and chose not to listen or answer.

And your last paragraph, it is exactly what I have been doing and I said the same to kiss last night. Now I feel like it was all for nothing.

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Nothing you have done is 'for nothing.' You have put as much effort in as a BS who has had the rug of her life ripped out from under her and her heart devastated can do. This is a hard hard road, even with two very enthusiastic and willing spouses. It is next to impossible without. You have put work in that has I assume made you more aware of yourself, better equipped to understand love, relationships, and marriage. Whether Kiss does a complete 180 and takes advantage of that or not, you are a better person for it! At least, without DJing, that's how I have always felt. Regardless of how this turns out, I am a better person for the work I have done.


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Well, maybe "for nothing" is the wrong words. But more like we haven't gotten anywhere if he is still blaming me for the state of our marriage, no matter how hard I have tried.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Well, maybe "for nothing" is the wrong words. But more like we haven't gotten anywhere if he is still blaming me for the state of our marriage, no matter how hard I have tried.

While it is important to successful recovery for BS's to own their own mistakes and clean up their sides of the street, it really does start with the WS understanding that nothing the BS did or didn't do justified the waywardness or the infidelity. And certainly, that nothing the BS did was as painful to them as the betrayal they inflicted.

Sometimes it does take the WS awhile to feel the full remorse of that: as you start rebuilding love and the bank begins to get full, it can be such that the WS feels more and more remorse for the pain they caused. However, it really is essential to start with accepting responsibility on the part of the WS for driving the marriage into a deep ditch.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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[quote=SunnyDinTX
Sometimes it does take the WS awhile to feel the full remorse of that: as you start rebuilding love and the bank begins to get full, it can be such that the WS feels more and more remorse for the pain they caused. However, it really is essential to start with accepting responsibility on the part of the WS for driving the marriage into a deep ditch. [/quote]

That is what I had been hoping for.

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Sigh, bored right now. Kiss is home and we could get in some good ua time but he is too busy playing with his toys. Too bad the boards are quiet since I have time on my hands.

Guess I'll go read lovebusters...again.

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