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If your husband refuses to spend time with you then I suggest you email Dr Harley for advice.
Recovery from an affair can't happen unless his program
Is followed.
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Well, I wouldnt say he refuses to spend time with me. Just that he doesn't sit with me to plan it out around his work hours.
I'm pretty sure Dr Harley would advise kiss to change jobs. Kiss is in the driver's.seat to make that happen. But it won't happen soon enough
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Long into the future, when Dr Harley leaves this earth and his body is buried I wonder if they will engrave POJA on his gravestone?
Because he is ALL about POJA.
It sounds like you aren't following the POJA.
In that case email dr Harley and say that the POJA isn't being followed and what do you recommend?
You two are back to your independent lifestyles and your marriage will not improve.
Wouldn't you like to be in love with him?
Have you told kiss, "I feel that we should follow the POJA, can we schedule UA time together and discuss your job this evening?"
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Joined: Nov 2011
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If you want to save your marriage I sugest you email dr Harley TODAY and ask to be on the radio show.
Tell him months have passed and UA TIME is not being spent together and the POJA isn't being followed.
Dr Harley offered to help you and told you to email him with problems.
When I read your husbands and your thread, I picture a truck with a wheel buried in sand and the driver just keeps pushing the gas pedal, spinning the wheel and burying it deeper in sand....
Make today the day you take steps to get this marriage moving on track and right now you need Dr Harley's advice
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I gave up trying to schedule things with kiss. It wasnt being done jointly, so I was getting resentful. Now, I just let it happen if it happens and keep my self occupied if it doesn't. It's all I can control. So is April 26, 2013 no different than April 26, 2011? Are you back where you started? Letting things just happen didn't work well back then and you know they won't work this time, either. Are you in the marriage for the kids only?
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Jedi and northwood: This is where I was at a week ago I finally gave up. Gave up on the idea of being able to control anyone but myself. Gave up thinking I can influence or motivate any kind of wanted behavior. It is certainly not easy for me let this go (control freak I am, I guess), but it is also a relief of giving up expectations.
But with that liberation, I feel I have also given up on hope. And that is sad. And I am so disappointed. I am still feeling that way. Jedi, I would love to be in love with my husband again. I'll seriously consider e-mailing the Dr but I think I could keep him busy for a month with my questions and my heart just isn't in it right now. Northwood, much has changed since then. Kiss now makes his family a priority rather than his IB. We do our best to meet each other's needs as much as possible. It's not what I expected our marriage to be like at this point. Not June 16, 2001 when I married him nor on March 7, 2012 when I took him back. But it is better than it was April 26, 2011.
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RQ
The problem with that closet is your mind still holds on to the key.
If we aren't diligent about staying in the present our mind will pull out the key, open that door and rummage around in there.
We all know how dark those closets can be.
I have found that the brighter I make the present the less dark the closet seems if I slip and open it.
You keep making your present as bright as you can! wle2, thanks, I'm trying! Working on that list to make my present brighter.
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RQ,
You are making ridiculous excuses for your refusal to reach out to Dr Harley after he previously TOLD YOU to stay in contact with him
If your car wheel is stuck in mud do you call the tow man or do you just keep spinning the wheel and say "well I'd like to call the tow truck but it would take him to long to pull me out"????
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Northwood, much has changed since then. Kiss now makes his family a priority rather than his IB. We do our best to meet each other's needs as much as possible. It's not what I expected our marriage to be like at this point. Not June 16, 2001 when I married him nor on March 7, 2012 when I took him back. But it is better than it was April 26, 2011. Hey RQ, My post was more of an observation that you guys seem to have lost your momentum and my concern is that your new normal will, eventually, become identical to your old one. And if that's ok with you then, hey, who am I to say otherwise? It just seems to be a shame, that's all. Any movement from kiss on the workfront? Still working lousy hours and no where near changing positions (Florida)?
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Emailing Dr. Harley at this point would be a waste of time. He has frequently stated that unless a couple commits to 15-20 hours a week of undivided attention, he will not work with them.
RQ and kiss have never made UA time a priority. They just wonder why they feel bad all the time.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Hey RQ,
My post was more of an observation that you guys seem to have lost your momentum and my concern is that your new normal will, eventually, become identical to your old one. And if that's ok with you then, hey, who am I to say otherwise? It just seems to be a shame, that's all.
Any movement from kiss on the workfront? Still working lousy hours and no where near changing positions (Florida)? Northwood, I understand. And you are right, the momentum was lost when I stopped yanking on the rope of that horse. It's a shame but I was getting tired! It's not Ok with me, but I have to to "accept the things I cannot change" and "change the things I can". Kiss is still working lousy hours though he did call an HR manager down south a couple of days ago but no call back yet. In the meantime, baseball season has started. Ahhh, baseball season. I got both little ones playing so I'll be spending quite a lot of time at the fields. That will definitely give me something to do while kiss is at work.
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RQ,
You are making ridiculous excuses for your refusal to reach out to Dr Harley after he previously TOLD YOU to stay in contact with him
If your car wheel is stuck in mud do you call the tow man or do you just keep spinning the wheel and say "well I'd like to call the tow truck but it would take him to long to pull me out"???? Emailing Dr. Harley at this point would be a waste of time. He has frequently stated that unless a couple commits to 15-20 hours a week of undivided attention, he will not work with them.
RQ and kiss have never made UA time a priority. They just wonder why they feel bad all the time.
AM What she said.  I'm sure Dr. Harley would say the same. Anyway, I'll keep hanging in there, Jedi. I'll be Ok
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Well, I wouldnt say he refuses to spend time with me. Just that he doesn't sit with me to plan it out around his work hours. I don't understand -- you literally say, KISS, let's sit down and do our UA hours and he says NO? Or you want him to be the one to approach you to schedule UA time and he doesn't?
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Susie, not quite. When he does give me a schedule, I would fill out the UA sheet from the Romantic Love workbook with what hours he has available, but I would leave the planned activities part blank so that we could POJA activities, only we never planned anything to do. Or I would say, well how about we do this or that and he would say OK. Or I would be looking up stuff on line to do while he did something else. It just seemed too one sided to me and I got frustated.
I would like to sit sown together, write down our UA time and plan activities together. But it doesn't happen.
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I would like to sit sown together, write down our UA time and plan activities together. Have you told him this and asked him to set aside time each week to do exactly this? Like each Sunday?
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I have, but I wish he would be more active with it. We don't have a set day or time that we would sit down with it, though, because of his hours.
I can attempt to do that this weekend. I know we have tomorrow night free, not sure what he works on Sunday.
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Susie, not quite. When he does give me a schedule, I would fill out the UA sheet from the Romantic Love workbook with what hours he has available, but I would leave the planned activities part blank so that we could POJA activities, only we never planned anything to do. Or I would say, well how about we do this or that and he would say OK. Or I would be looking up stuff on line to do while he did something else. It just seemed too one sided to me and I got frustated.
I would like to sit sown together, write down our UA time and plan activities together. But it doesn't happen. It won't happen if you don't do it. You have to actually DO the program in order for it to work.. Writing Dr Harley will not change that fact. Our program for recovery only works when it's followed. The 15 hours of undivided attention we recommend is an essential part of the program because it provides the opportunity to meet emotional needs that cannot be met any other way. There are lots of excuses for failing to follow that aspect of our program, but in the end, failure to follow it results in a failed recovery. If we saw that both of you were recovering well, I'd say that you are one of the very rare exceptions to the need to spend 15 hours a week together. But, since you are not recovering well, we can only conclude that your failure to spend enough time together, and make good use of that time meeting each other's emotional needs, is the culprit. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2619668#Post2619668Do you and your husband understand that this program doesn't work without this step? Doesn't work....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Susie, not quite. When he does give me a schedule, I would fill out the UA sheet from the Romantic Love workbook with what hours he has available, but I would leave the planned activities part blank so that we could POJA activities, only we never planned anything to do. Or I would say, well how about we do this or that and he would say OK. Or I would be looking up stuff on line to do while he did something else. It just seemed too one sided to me and I got frustated.
I would like to sit sown together, write down our UA time and plan activities together. But it doesn't happen. It won't happen if you don't do it. You have to actually DO the program in order for it to work.. Writing Dr Harley will not change that fact. Our program for recovery only works when it's followed. The 15 hours of undivided attention we recommend is an essential part of the program because it provides the opportunity to meet emotional needs that cannot be met any other way. There are lots of excuses for failing to follow that aspect of our program, but in the end, failure to follow it results in a failed recovery. If we saw that both of you were recovering well, I'd say that you are one of the very rare exceptions to the need to spend 15 hours a week together. But, since you are not recovering well, we can only conclude that your failure to spend enough time together, and make good use of that time meeting each other's emotional needs, is the culprit. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2619668#Post2619668Do you and your husband understand that this program doesn't work without this step? Doesn't work....Exactly why I have given up
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And now kiss just told me that the management (him) will be working 6 days a week for a little while 
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And now kiss just told me that the management (him) will be working 6 days a week for a little while Have you sat down and planned your UA time yet? This is not rocket science, Rocketqueen. You sit down with the piece of paper and start writing out dates, times, etc. Then you line up babysitters. This is part of the program.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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