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Well, Orlando bloom hasn't showed up at my door yet not have I won the powerball yet. But seriously, that's just his job. We POJA'd moving south where cist if living is cheaper. But kiss hasnt inquired about the transfer yet. I've been waiting since February....
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Why are you still waiting?
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Don't have any other options right now.
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Why not?
You are not getting UA. It's because of his job. You've been waiting 3 months, and there's no end in sight to this "temporary" deal.
How is this Marriage Builders?
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It has to change, sister. You know it. He knows it.
I'm sure you both feel it.
That's why there is no recovery.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Well, we discussed the job again. To me, it is THE most important obstacle to our recovery. I told kiss that he needs to make actual REAL inquiries into transferring by June 1. If nothing comes of that, then he needs to find another job in our area that is marrage friendly. I told him that I didn't believe our marriage would be able to make it without something being done about his job.
If nothing changes, I foresee our marriage going back to status quo and me being resentful about being alone all of the time and Kiss spending more and more time at work again.
Neither how it is now or divorcing has any appeal to me. So how do I make these changes that are needed?
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If he keeps hemming and hawing, you may have to look at divorce. Having to drag him every step of the way is not an encouraging sign at all. And the status quo would be very bad for your mental health.
Just remember -- those changes are not yours to make. They are on HIS HEAD. He should have gotten on this by now...ages ago.
But there's been no progress in the job change/transfer, almost like he really doesn't want to.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Neither how it is now or divorcing has any appeal to me. So how do I make these changes that are needed? It's up to him to make these changes, not you. The only thing you can do is hold his feet to the fire. He changes jobs, or he loses you. Right now, what incentive does he have? He doesn't see you as serious.
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I told kiss that he needs to make actual REAL inquiries into transferring by June 1. If nothing comes of that, then he needs to find another job in our area that is marrage friendly. You'll need a deadline for this other job as that is the type of thing that someone can "work" on without really doing much at all. Based on his track record, I'd say that there has to be a firm "or else" in here.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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I agree with you all. Ooops, and I goofed on the date. I meant by June 14. There has to be an or else, otherwise I am just stuck...not moving forward. And I know I can't keep doing that.
It just sucks because (for the most part), the marriage is going very well. We are meeting EN's and being each other's best friend when we are together. It's just that we are not together enough and the absences cause me to withdraw and fall into the past.
Last edited by Rocketqueen; 05/30/13 01:43 PM.
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I told kiss that he needs to make actual REAL inquiries into transferring by June 1. If nothing comes of that, then he needs to find another job in our area that is marrage friendly. You'll need a deadline for this other job as that is the type of thing that someone can "work" on without really doing much at all. Based on his track record, I'd say that there has to be a firm "or else" in here. Deadline I set was June 14 for transfer and June 30 for a different job in a local (but trigger free) area.
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Well, we discussed the job again. To me, it is THE most important obstacle to our recovery. It's his attitude that is the biggest obstacle. He has to CARE enough to follow through. His marriage needs to be his TOP PRIORITY. He knew that your requirement for working on a R was that the MB plan was fully implemented including posting here for support if needed. Having a job that triggers you where he is gone 5-6 nights a week is unacceptable. Having a job that doesn't allow you two to get proper UA time is unacceptable. Unacceptable. He needs to know this, RQ.
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Well, we discussed the job again. To me, it is THE most important obstacle to our recovery. It's his attitude that is the biggest obstacle. He has to CARE enough to follow through. His marriage needs to be his TOP PRIORITY. He knew that your requirement for working on a R was that the MB plan was fully implemented including posting here for support if needed. Having a job that triggers you where he is gone 5-6 nights a week is unacceptable. Having a job that doesn't allow you two to get proper UA time is unacceptable. Unacceptable. He needs to know this, RQ. I made it pretty clear to him when we discussed that it was unacceptable to me. He "hemmed and hawed" as Karmarose said. I need to be able to stand my ground.
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Deadline I set was June 14 for transfer and June 30 for a different job in a local (but trigger free) area. That you even have to have a deadline is concerning.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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How many hours of UA time are you spending together this week?
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How many hours of UA time are you spending together this week? Jedi, Not many. Monday was DS's birthday and Kiss fell asleep on the couch around 7. Tuesday he worked from 5-4 and we didn't do much that night. Wednesday was both kids ballgames and we didn't get home until 8:30. Last night we did get out of the house for about 3 hours. Tonight, we are going out with family and then Kiss works 12-11 saturday and 9-8 sunday, so no quality UA time this weekend. I do (finally) have his schedule for the next couple of weeks so I will schedule UA time and make sure my DD17 knows she has has to babysit. ETA: Kiss says that he has been trying to get a hold of HR person in the area we are looking at in FL without success. He wants to stay with company otherwise he will forfiet about $22K in stock.
Last edited by Rocketqueen; 05/31/13 12:12 PM.
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Kiss says that he has been trying to get a hold of HR person in the area we are looking at in FL without success. Then he needs to start looking elsewhere. This lack of UA cannot continue.
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Both H and W getting to the point where the M is THE most important focus of their lives is very difficult.
Job, kids, money, stocks, family..well you know what I mean.
Making sacrifices in other areas of our lives so we can have the M we want is very hard.
For clearmind and I, we have struggled with this in ways too. Only recently have we been able to really pull this together. Not completely but we are moving this way. UA time is very challenging for us to. We too have many responsibilities and commitments. Our closeness greatly suffers when UA time is lacking.
We have both had to come to the conclusion that IF we don�t push other things in life to the side, our R will fail.
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Kiss says that he has been trying to get a hold of HR person in the area we are looking at in FL without success. Then he needs to start looking elsewhere. This lack of UA cannot continue. Agreed, I told him that we don't have to be right where his parents and sisters are. I also suggested Georgia and South Carolina. It doesn't matter to me as long as it is affordable to us on one salary.
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Both H and W getting to the point where the M is THE most important focus of their lives is very difficult.
Job, kids, money, stocks, family..well you know what I mean.
Making sacrifices in other areas of our lives so we can have the M we want is very hard.
For clearmind and I, we have struggled with this in ways too. Only recently have we been able to really pull this together. Not completely but we are moving this way. UA time is very challenging for us to. We too have many responsibilities and commitments. Our closeness greatly suffers when UA time is lacking.
We have both had to come to the conclusion that IF we don�t push other things in life to the side, our R will fail. It is very difficult and it would be nearly impossible in our current area of NY where we both work good paying jobs and still struggle month to month. Which is (one of the reasons) why we need to leave this state. I am willing to make sacrifices to make this happen. I don't see that willingness from him yet.
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