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Posts: 777
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Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 777 |
So I kicked ex out in Jan 2013. Divorce finalized Jan 2014. Started dating in March. I'd say dating drama began the minute I started leaving my house. I stayed home a lot from Jan- Sep for lots of reasons- too many to list now, and it was awful. Once I started joining group activities, the date requests started rolling in, and I was turning guys down. Until March when I met someone I was attracted to and felt ready. (IT guy). Dating IS drama. It's trying to decide if the guy fits the criteria, and then deciding to let them go. It IS an emotional roller coaster by nature. Excitement, nerves, dissappointment, hurt. It's all part of the cycle. I see no way to avoid it. I in no way still feel hung up on my divorce. I've healed, forgiven, moved on. I no longer wish to be with him in any way. I feel like I am fully ready to date.
Regarding time alone- as a strong extrovert I don't know if I'll ever savor time alone. I certainly had plenty of it from Jan- Sep last year and it was really awful for me. It's not to say I don't have hobbies to entertain myself. I do. I just always prefer the company of someone.
BS-me 35
WXH-37
DS- 3.5 yrs old
DD 2 yrs old
Married for eleven years, together for fifteen
DDay August 2012 Found inappropriate text message
12/7/12 knew for sure he was sexting with men
12/9/12 Partial exposure, and truth about PA's revealed by WH
12/19/12 Full exposure
1/9/13 Plan B
Jan 2013 filed for divorce
1/27/2014 Divorce finalized
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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GM,
Have you ever seen the movie Uncle Buck?
I usually encourage single women to watch that movie so they can learn how to identify good boyfriend material and then proceed accordingly.
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Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 777
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Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 777 |
Jedi,
Yes I've seen Uncle Buck. I think I do know how to spot a quality guy, and I think that I've met several wonderful guys this year. You know I've read/listened to all of Dr. Harley's stuff on dating. I'm looking for someone who meets all the criteria. That's a tall order. I assume it's just going to take time. I'm trying really hard not to settle since I am trying to break that pattern from the past. All I'm communicating here is that the dating process is an emotional roller coaster.
BS-me 35
WXH-37
DS- 3.5 yrs old
DD 2 yrs old
Married for eleven years, together for fifteen
DDay August 2012 Found inappropriate text message
12/7/12 knew for sure he was sexting with men
12/9/12 Partial exposure, and truth about PA's revealed by WH
12/19/12 Full exposure
1/9/13 Plan B
Jan 2013 filed for divorce
1/27/2014 Divorce finalized
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 267
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Posts: 267 |
As far as how dating takes it toll- I am really bad at being single. I absolutely hate alone time. I have plenty of hobbies, and friends, but I just have always felt it is more fun to experience life with a partner. I am very extroverted. Yes I'm lonely, Yes I need male companionship! Yes I need to feel admired! I need to be touched! Ugh. Needy. This is what I mean about feeling like I'm on empty all the time.
NED: I definitely struggle with an overactive giver. However, I do feel that every person I've dated has been really terrific. They aren't angry with me- they are sad because they want to still be with me. And I feel bad for hurting them- even though I logically know I must make the choice that is best for me, and that they'll get over it. It sounds to me you are not ready for a relationship. You have not given yourself enough time to process and recover from your divorce. If you need a relationship so you do not feel empty you are heading down a rough road. You will be constantly disappointed in your partner as they will be unable to fill the void. You are ready for a relationship when you don't need a relationship. Good Luck
Me 58 BS
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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Posts: 11,239 |
Another option is to 'be a mail order bride for men in Alaska.
But I dont know if Dr Harley endorses this.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
As far as how dating takes it toll- I am really bad at being single. I absolutely hate alone time. I have plenty of hobbies, and friends, but I just have always felt it is more fun to experience life with a partner. I am very extroverted. Yes I'm lonely, Yes I need male companionship! Yes I need to feel admired! I need to be touched! Ugh. Needy. This is what I mean about feeling like I'm on empty all the time.
NED: I definitely struggle with an overactive giver. However, I do feel that every person I've dated has been really terrific. They aren't angry with me- they are sad because they want to still be with me. And I feel bad for hurting them- even though I logically know I must make the choice that is best for me, and that they'll get over it. It sounds to me you are not ready for a relationship. You have not given yourself enough time to process and recover from your divorce. If you need a relationship so you do not feel empty you are heading down a rough road. You will be constantly disappointed in your partner as they will be unable to fill the void. You are ready for a relationship when you don't need a relationship. Good Luck That's pretty much the opposite of Marriage Builders - Dr. Harley's position is that men and women have emotional needs that can be met only by another person. He does recommend being able to stand on your own and being psychologically healthy on your own - but he doesn't say for people to try to not need a relationship.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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