Originally Posted By: Elaina7
First of all, you really are in danger. You are in an abusive marriage.
Have you ever heard of the abuse cycles. Everything is great "your weekend" followed by further abuse. then good, then bad.... and on and on.

You need to seperate now. YOu do NOT ask him. He has nothing to do with it.

You just leave with the kids to your families. I think it is safer with others watching over yall. You have your family trade off the kids if he wants to see them but never give them the kids if he is angry. Tell you family now. Have you told them?

You then give him a letter detailing what it will take for the two of you to reconcile.

1. Anger management with a behavioral therapist.
2. Do not contact you or see you in school hours.

Nothing else on earth can be dealt with until he gets anger under control and stops abusing you. Nothing! It is step on in MB!

I would file for an emergency transfer at work or something to get away from him. You guys can't keep working together. Think, what can you do?

I would not speak to him, see him etc until he agree's to do what it takes and then ACTUALLY does it.

stop fighting....if he starts.... leave! Walk away, do not engage/do not even speak at all.... just leave. if he won't stop, let you walk away, or leave-call the cops. I am serious. CALL the police.
I am an objective outsider and his behavior is dangerous. I think you have been in it so long that you can't see how bad it is.
he is not insecure... he is abusive.

Plan to leave this weekend. As soon as possible. Do not talk to him about it. Do not ask him.... just do it.
Do not think you can keep the kids in the house and trade. Huge steps need to be taken here.

If he goes ballistic, file a restraining order.
If he goes all soft and sweet-don't believe it. Actions counts.... words don't.
Don't give up till he has been in AM for at least 2 weeks and is following your wishes such as no contact.

This will actually give him a chance to step up to the plate, get into AM and hopefully save the marriage. This gives you the best shot. Staying and taking it only makes it worse every single day.


Sorry I haven't been able to respond to your post yet. I wanted time to make sure I could really reply without being rushed. Your post struck a cord with me, more than anything I could have expected. I do know that what I am in is abusive. I have been knowing that for a while now. When I came to this site, I guess I found hope that even an abusive relationship could be saved.

The cycle you mentioned is so right on. It is a vicious cycle. We have been having many great times together and I think I feel hopefully, not that he has permanently changed, but that we could / should be happy together, and maybe we could gradually change. But then things go down hill.

I think everything you have said is SO right on. The only thing I disagree a little with is that he is not insecure, he truly is, and I honestly think he doesn't want to feel these ways, but he can't help it. With that being said, I think he is taking that and justifying how he is treating me, and saying that if I made him feel more love, then he would not behave the way he does.

I honestly don't think leaving immediately will work. I understand why you are recommending it, but with our job scenario, the kids, and the finances, I think leaving immediately would cause a huge mess and I need to feel more prepared than that.

Thank you so very much for your heartfelt reply. I can't tell you how much your words got to me last night and woke me up even more than I was.

As for work, there are no transfers or anything of that nature. We are teachers at the town's high school. Now that school has started it would be difficult to change jobs until next August.

Oh, and no my family has no clue anything that I am going through. I'm sure they know things aren't perfect, because we argue a lot and it is sometimes apparent, but they would be shocked. This is one thing I am having such a hard time with. I know how devastated they would be, and it kills me to think of telling them, but I know I need to.

But HIS parents do know. They don't know what all is going on now, but they know a lot of what has happened in the past, and that there are really big issues there. I told them in a moment of desperation at the beginning of last school year, thinking maybe they could help him. Of course he was furious that I did it and it really didn't help besides the fact that I know they know.

I'm sure there is more, but I am going to go ahead and end now. Thanks again.