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Because of the fact that you both are teachers employed at the same school, i would not separate without first contacting an attorney.
The fact is, you will see him at work every day and if he is a teacher he could just take the kids home with him after school. You need a lawyer to get a court order laying out the rules.

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Originally Posted By: Elaina7
Originally Posted By: JBKT16
Originally Posted By: mrEureka
[quote=JBKT16]I guess I am wanting to know how to help encourage him to get on board. What to do when he thinks the ideas are crazy?!

I do feel neglected, especially of quality time together, but I think he honestly believes that there just isn't time/ money / etc to be able to spend a lot of time together. I don't believe he is conciously trying to make us suffer. Once we are home together he is exhausted and sometimes I am too.

What is hurting me even more than not spending the time together is the fact that he constantly feels threatened in our marriage and the way he handles it is destroying me. I have never cheated on him, never acted flirtatious, do not have male friends.... All the things that I would think would make someone feel so "unsafe" in a marriage, but no matter what I did and I have tried it all. He always feels like I am eventually going to cheat on him. He has said so many horrible things about me because of these feelings and majority of our problems stem from this.

Any advice??


Here is the beginning... She says she has followed good boundaries....

So? Are you thinking He is having affairs or do you have another idea?

I hope you are ok J..... I know what was said wasn't easy to read- but I hope you let it sink in. I will be praying for you!


You are right I have followed all the boundaries I think can be followed, but nothing works. And to answer the questions, no I have not cheated, honestly I don't really even talk to anyone. I try to be social at work (with women), and he says he wants me to have friends but when he sees me act happy around anyone else, he says I am being "cocky" and that I don't act happy around him.

I can't answer why he feels this way, I really don't know. It started before we were even married but I thought it was because we were living long distance at the time.

I will talk more in a bit. Thank you so much everyone!!!!!

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Can you see a lawyer while he is a practice?

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http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5043_qa.html

Here is an a article Dr Harley wrote about controlling husbands you may find helpful:

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So, last night he came home and wanted us to write down and then discuss anything and everything that we thought the other needed to change. He was being very sincere (although I know that does not mean things have changed) and I agreed.

We spent a while each writing down things, and then began to discuss them. He told me he wanted me to be completely honest with him (I typically don't feel very comfortable sharing with him, because everything leads to a fight). So, I was. It was going well and we seemed to be in agreement about most things, until I got to the topic of school and how we are behaving. I told him I feel anxious each day not knowing what he expected from me, how often he was wanting to see me, talk to me, etc. At first he agreed that what we were doing wasn't working, but then he started to feel like I was saying I didn't want to ever have to see him during the day.

I made a point to talk about our conference (we have worked together for a while, but have never had the same conference or even lunch, so this hasn't been an issue before). Typically I work really hard during my conference so that I am not one of the math teachers that takes a bunch of work home. In fact I never take work home. But now that we are seeing each-other during this time, I feel like I don't have any time to relax, or to get work done. He suggested we bring our laptops to each others room and "work together", I guess I was really taken back by this suggestion and didn't handle it well. My reply was "now we have to monitor each other all conference period". This did it for him and all the nice, working on things, went away and he went right back to saying bad things about me. He thinks that I shouldn't complain about not "spending time together" if I don't want to see him during the day. That is not my idea of quality time, and I never said I didn't want to see him at all, just didn't want to commit to being together everyday all conference. And he thinks I am not considering his feelings.

Is this me being inconsiderate????? At this point it is hard to know what is right.

I am talking to Dr. Harvery's wife of the phone at lunch today, and I told him that. I think he was upset that I "went behind his back" but he actually acted like he would be willing to talk to Dr. H.

We were actually calm through it all, he did end up saying something very hateful and I walked out and slept on the couch. But he did not yell at me, I didn't get crazy like I do when he hurts me. So that was good to see.

I have made the mistake of telling him that I am on the brink, that I can not put up with it anymore (maybe thinking he would suddenly have a wake - up call). Then he continued saying "or what" (like then what are you going to do...). Finally I said I would leave. He said, just leave then. Said he wasn't going to have me mandating things, but I honestly felt like I wasn't trying to be honest, not mandate.

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Originally Posted By: Elaina7
First of all, you really are in danger. You are in an abusive marriage.
Have you ever heard of the abuse cycles. Everything is great "your weekend" followed by further abuse. then good, then bad.... and on and on.

You need to seperate now. YOu do NOT ask him. He has nothing to do with it.

You just leave with the kids to your families. I think it is safer with others watching over yall. You have your family trade off the kids if he wants to see them but never give them the kids if he is angry. Tell you family now. Have you told them?

You then give him a letter detailing what it will take for the two of you to reconcile.

1. Anger management with a behavioral therapist.
2. Do not contact you or see you in school hours.

Nothing else on earth can be dealt with until he gets anger under control and stops abusing you. Nothing! It is step on in MB!

I would file for an emergency transfer at work or something to get away from him. You guys can't keep working together. Think, what can you do?

I would not speak to him, see him etc until he agree's to do what it takes and then ACTUALLY does it.

stop fighting....if he starts.... leave! Walk away, do not engage/do not even speak at all.... just leave. if he won't stop, let you walk away, or leave-call the cops. I am serious. CALL the police.
I am an objective outsider and his behavior is dangerous. I think you have been in it so long that you can't see how bad it is.
he is not insecure... he is abusive.

Plan to leave this weekend. As soon as possible. Do not talk to him about it. Do not ask him.... just do it.
Do not think you can keep the kids in the house and trade. Huge steps need to be taken here.

If he goes ballistic, file a restraining order.
If he goes all soft and sweet-don't believe it. Actions counts.... words don't.
Don't give up till he has been in AM for at least 2 weeks and is following your wishes such as no contact.

This will actually give him a chance to step up to the plate, get into AM and hopefully save the marriage. This gives you the best shot. Staying and taking it only makes it worse every single day.


Sorry I haven't been able to respond to your post yet. I wanted time to make sure I could really reply without being rushed. Your post struck a cord with me, more than anything I could have expected. I do know that what I am in is abusive. I have been knowing that for a while now. When I came to this site, I guess I found hope that even an abusive relationship could be saved.

The cycle you mentioned is so right on. It is a vicious cycle. We have been having many great times together and I think I feel hopefully, not that he has permanently changed, but that we could / should be happy together, and maybe we could gradually change. But then things go down hill.

I think everything you have said is SO right on. The only thing I disagree a little with is that he is not insecure, he truly is, and I honestly think he doesn't want to feel these ways, but he can't help it. With that being said, I think he is taking that and justifying how he is treating me, and saying that if I made him feel more love, then he would not behave the way he does.

I honestly don't think leaving immediately will work. I understand why you are recommending it, but with our job scenario, the kids, and the finances, I think leaving immediately would cause a huge mess and I need to feel more prepared than that.

Thank you so very much for your heartfelt reply. I can't tell you how much your words got to me last night and woke me up even more than I was.

As for work, there are no transfers or anything of that nature. We are teachers at the town's high school. Now that school has started it would be difficult to change jobs until next August.

Oh, and no my family has no clue anything that I am going through. I'm sure they know things aren't perfect, because we argue a lot and it is sometimes apparent, but they would be shocked. This is one thing I am having such a hard time with. I know how devastated they would be, and it kills me to think of telling them, but I know I need to.

But HIS parents do know. They don't know what all is going on now, but they know a lot of what has happened in the past, and that there are really big issues there. I told them in a moment of desperation at the beginning of last school year, thinking maybe they could help him. Of course he was furious that I did it and it really didn't help besides the fact that I know they know.

I'm sure there is more, but I am going to go ahead and end now. Thanks again.

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I talked to Mrs Harley and discussed more about what is going on. She wants him to go on the show and talk to Dr H next week. I let him know that I talked to her, and I am hoping he agrees.

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
I talked to Mrs Harley and discussed more about what is going on. She wants him to go on the show and talk to Dr H next week. I let him know that I talked to her, and I am hoping he agrees.


Good, I am glad that you at least will be able to talk to the Dr.

I was in your shoes once.... Its why it resonates. My ex use to accuse me of the same things but eventually started beating me if I did not give him the "appropriate amount of attention" (in his eyes of course). *In reality, it could be me simply not answering the phone or glancing away while he was speaking to check on our son.*

I have been in support groups for abused women & let me me tell you- telling your family is one of the biggest breakthroughs. I think of it like exposing an affair. Its meant to help hold the abuser accountable and give support to the victim. (It wont necessarily change things but it does help)

And if your H is or isn't insecure- it is His job to take care of issues like this and protect you. Protect you from the worse of himself. Don't beat yourself up about the conversation, but Dr H would tell you what he told me- don't bother having lots or any relationship talk. Until he can promise to keep you safe and protect you- there is no point. Nothing will actually be resolved.

I wouldn't mention leaving etc anymore. That is something you just do- not something to speak about.

But good job on sleeping on the couch because of his anger- keep leaving- get away- do not respond.

I understand about the finances. I would start looking into that as soon as possible. Your family might have some ideas for you.



Last edited by Elaina7; 09/03/15 03:34 PM.

BW-3 Kids
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Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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Thanks again. I'm not sure that talking to her helped. I told him i did and he is acting like i betrayed him. He asked me to share the email i sent and after he read it he said "we're done" and wouldn't talk to me. I honestly think he is just upset that i have a place to turn, and afraid they might tell me to leave.

Although he was really upset, he was very calm, to be honest i am a little worried about what will happen when he gets past this calm "I am done" calm attitude. I hate that it is about to be a long weekend and instead of spending time with family and doing things we ought to be doing, we are going into it like this.

I know i need to tell my family, honestly i am temted to go talk to his now. I am just so embarrassed, discouraged, and know how bad it will hurt them.

I really don't know what is best. What i should do....

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16

I really don't know what is best. What i should do....


Just keep doing what you are doing and stop reacting to his bully tactics. You have done nothing wrong. If you will stop reacting to his scare tactics, he will be forced to stop using them.

So, if he is "done" does this mean he will be moving out? Can you help him pack? I would ask him about his plan.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
Thanks again. I'm not sure that talking to her helped. ..


Also, talking to her helped very much, but you need to discuss the situation with Dr. Harley. I would write him TONIGHT and tell him what your husband is trying to pull. Send your phone # and perhaps he will call you.

i would go speak to your family tonight and let them know how abusive your husband has been. Ask them if you could stay with them. Would they take you and the kids in for the weekend? What about for a longer period of time?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm sure he has no intention in actually leaving me. I'm sure he means i'm done worrying about us, and done trying to change anything.

I feel really worried about how the weekend will go.

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
I'm sure he has no intention in actually leaving me. I'm sure he means i'm done worrying about us, and done trying to change anything.

I feel really worried about how the weekend will go.


What are you worried about?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I guess i feel worried that it could escalate into getting physical. He hasn't before but it just seems like things are getting worse and worse. Sometimes i worry he would try to run off with the kids. He threatens to take them from me when he thinks i'm considering leaving, which i know a judge wouldn't agree to.

Yes, i have family that we could stay with. I am just afraid of what is to follow if i do that. He has always been hateful about my family and i'm afraid he would come over there and make a huge blow up with them.

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Also, if i went somewhere today, what would follow at school tomorrow? That's the hardest part of all.

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Also, if i went somewhere today, what would follow at school tomorrow? That's the hardest part of all.

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Do i email him at the same address i spoke with her?

Also, is it right to let his family know, or only mine? I know i need to tell mine as well...

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
I guess i feel worried that it could escalate into getting physical. He hasn't before but it just seems like things are getting worse and worse. Sometimes i worry he would try to run off with the kids. He threatens to take them from me when he thinks i'm considering leaving, which i know a judge wouldn't agree to.

Yes, i have family that we could stay with. I am just afraid of what is to follow if i do that. He has always been hateful about my family and i'm afraid he would come over there and make a huge blow up with them.



I would call them and make plans to spend the weekend with them. You really can't afford all this "fear" anymore and need to start taking the initiative here. Make a decision today to stop being a perpetual victim. You are a grown up now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am very interested in what Dr Harley tells you. I hope you will share here. Keep reaching out for help. Also, it is not against marriage builders principles to hold some information privately in the process of getting advice when you are dealing with an abusive spouse. Be strategic with what you say until you have a plan confirmed.


As for what made the husband insecure, I have been told that some personalities are that way. Extremely jealous. What you said about family and everything fits into that. I can say for sure that sometimes there is no reason for a man to feel that way. They just do.

Last edited by buildsherhouse; 09/03/15 06:18 PM.

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
Do i email him at the same address i spoke with her?

Also, is it right to let his family know, or only mine? I know i need to tell mine as well...


You can email Dr Harley at the same email address. Tell Joyce what has transpired and ask her if she and Dr Harley could give you a call.

Let your family and his family know what is happening.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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