I do so want to be a "Plan B success story"!!
Are there any I can read about on this site?
Please tell me again that my WH's A will die out.......
kk

Well Kk2002,

Somethings gonna give. This A thingy requires a lot of adrenaline. You have a choice to allow them OP and WS to use your adrenaline or theirs.

Eventually I allowed them to use theres and pulled myself out (plan B). Best thing for me. It brought relief with a capital B that spelled Belief. Belief in life and myself again. Sounds corny but for me it was true. The WS and OW had me doubting my abilities and that made me mad. I finally decided to stop trying to fix the broken mess and go improve myself. I started to get back my life and guess who didn't like being left in the dark. Oh yea, the A is dark. Really not as great as they lead us to believe.

So my theory (or at least what worked for me) was to hurry up and push those A faces together. Smush them together and remove myself at the same time. Guess what? Too much togetherness causes A's to LB!!!! At least that is what worked for me. But it was a very painful process. In the interim I lost the love for my H. He had to prove himself to me. Now I keep plan B in my back pocket.

Now the onis is on my H. I show him love and attention but I can easily turn it off. Hm..... kinda coy and hard to get?!?! Well that's what happens when you take someone for granted. See this babble stuff they use in the A can also be used against them.

Now the H has to work to keep my attention. It only takes a look now to make him wonder. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

L.

Hi kk,

I want to be plan B success too!

For me it has been someways succesful. My WH's A was over after I had been in plan B for 3 months(saw him only twice during that). He came around and was interested to get closer again. Took it slowly, but appears not slowly enough, he's backing off again. Could be a new OW, not sure yet. I had to go back to plan B last Friday. Bumbed into him today, he was very nice!!!??? So the signs of having a new OW don't match, he's always been mean when there's someone else. I am confused.

Plan B is so hard, but I am emotionally better off. I can't put up with the continuing rejection.
My H was very angry when I first went into plan B in Nov. By the end of Jan he was a different man, not the old H, but way better than the alien he had been.

I wonder if I timed my plan B right, when his A had already started to crumble. OW simply couldn't keep him happy or fill all his ENs.

kk, it's very likely your H's A will die, believe in it. Be prepared, it could take time. It's up to you how long you are ready to hang on, and how important your M is.

I'm pretty new here so I'm no expert, but try doing a "search" with the name "lostva". I read one of her old threads not to long ago. Someone sent me there. You'll have to scan through a few to find her story.

I'd like to see "Success Stories" listed as one of the forums.

Good Luck and God Bless

Hi kk, definitely no 'success story' here, but noticed we went to B about the same time so just here to offer support. Its hard isn't mate?

Anyway, whether or not WS come back we should try our best to look at it as a success if we survive and become stronger.

CYA

I didn't find this site until after my husband and I were in recovery, but a modified Plan B worked for me. I guess my H thought that he wanted me to move out of our house and go back home to my mom, but as long as some of my things were still at the house I was still tied to him. When I moved EVERYTHING that was mine out of the house and got an apartment of my own, I broke through the fog. He started to see that he was losing me. The fact that I could move on with my life without him and be OKAY was too much for him. He started to call me again. I talked to him, but just like I would any other casual friend. I told him how great my apartment was and how much fun I was having. It really did actually feel good to prove to myself that I could do it on my own, but I still missed him desperately. I didn't tell him that of course. It took less than a month of that for the OW to be wiped from the picture. We are doing great now! I like the me that came from even a month of total independence. It made me a better wife. I made the changes that I needed to make to prevent another affair in that month. I know it doesn't work for everybody, but it did work for me. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I hear you kk,

The thing I have come to realize is I am a success story - in or out of my marriage, with or without my H. My worth or my success is not determined by my H or my marriage. Its me! no matter how this thing turns out you will grow through this and will have a happy fulfilled life with or without him or your marriage.

The A will die - But we don't know how long that will take. I have an Aunt who's H cheated on her and left her for OW. Him and OW married and we're together 14 years!!! BUT, in the end, he left her for OW. And she now has MS. It is sad. But the original wife did not keel over and die - she is living life! The OW was just shocked that this happened. Now she must work through the pain of it all.

My marriage is in recovery and we are REALLY doing great! I love him and he loves me. But with or without him I am worthy to be loved, respected, honored,cherished (you know the marriage vows). I will not settle for less...and you in Plan B is sending that message out loud and clear. Keep up the good work!!!!!

Hi KK, YOu will make it through. I am hoping I can get the strength to do the plan b thing. I am starting to think that is my only choice. I think the unemployed h, is a big part of the issue for my h and yours. My h says he can go to cuonseling when he gets a job. THeir self esteem is so low they are desperate for an ego boost.. another woman and alcohol... ? both make things SEEM better =

I know your h's a will die. I am sorry you are in this boat, you are so sweet and such a great lady. I was thinking aobut how you deserve a great husband, big house he bought for you... or at least the house, and to be supported and loved and honored, etc. Sorry I am old fashioned and I do think the man should provide.

I know the A will die, they have a small chance of surviving.. slowly he will see what he is doing, and plan b at least eliminates lb's on your part too.

Hugs, HONEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

kk, after plan A for about 5 mo., end of PA , but continued EA w/ OW, I decided that that was enough for me. During MC, I gave him a list of things he had to do to continue to live in our house, most important was NC w/ OW. If he made the choice not to do this, then I respectfully was asking him to leave our home until such time as he could do this. I let him know that this is what I needed to continue in our M. I made it very clear that I loved him, wished to work on M, left door WIDE open for him to return. BUT only if he made the choice to be with me only. No more fence-sitting, providing emotional support for her, etc. He left for week-end. We spoke often during the time he was away. I was loving but firm. He could not return if he was unable to make firm committment to NC.

To make a long story short, he did return and tho we have had to deal with other issues (drug addiction and rehab) that were occuring at the same time as A, he is now home and WE are in recovery. During his time in rehab, OW was able to contact him. He asked her to contact him no further. She has never been heard from again, thank God.

I was ready for plan B. The way I was living was destroying me as a person and I knew that. So I had to make this decision to save myself if I couldn't save my M.

I knew that there had to be someone there for our children when the dust settled and more than likely, given my H's problems, that had to be me. If you choose to go this route, you have to be ready for the final break to occur, because it might. I was ready.

For me, doing plan B worked to make my H hit rock-bottom and see what was REALLY going to happen. I didn't plan it that way but I am glad that he was able to ultimately see the light.

I still have bad and sad days, like today and definitely know that choosing the recovery road is the harder choice in a lot of ways. I believe that ultimately it will be worth it for us all. Our relationship is closer and more intimate than ever before, but I still struggle some days. H is very supportive and says he will support me thru my hard times that I am going thru. That is a comfort to know, because I had felt so abandoned during the A. I now fell like I am a "damaged soul" (read that elsewhere on here today) but I hope to be able to say some day that "it was worth it" to go thru this to get where we are. C

Orchid, I love reading your posts. You sound so strong, I want to be there! The part about smushing their faces together really made me laugh! How long were you in plan B?

Bears: Thanks for sharing your story. Wow, I can hardly believe you only saw WH twice in 3 months!!! I hope that you two are in recovery now.

Seahorse, Keep me posted on how your Plan B goes. Have you heard from your WH at all?
Mine called once to ask about one of the dogs!!!

Breanna, I love your story! The kids and I are moving to an apartment in 2 weeks, so hopefully it will have the same effect. I want WH to see me moving on with my life, and being okay with it.

ILUV,
Your strength is amazing. I hope I grow to be like you. You're right, we need to feel that our worth and success is dependent on us, and our relationship with God...not on the WH and our M.
Thanks for mentoring me.

Honey,
AS usual, you are full of encouraging words. You too deserve so much more than what you're getting. Your WH needs to wake up and see what a treasure he has in you!

Firefly, It's so good to hear that your Plan B had such great results. That gives me hope! How long were you in Plan B/
Thanks for replying and helping me.
KK

Hi KK, not a wisper from my H. I'm very sad, my ego was hoping he'd coming running back but my heart new he wouldn't - its not his thing.

I don't know what he's thinking, doing and to be honest I'm struggling with this. I feel like I'm more focussed on him right now than I was in plan A.

I figuring this may be normal and I'm sure hoping it passes and I'm doing lots of stuff to try to help myself.

But still it is very hard and I'm depressed and angry!

But thanks for this thread this stories do give you a lift when your down.

Seahorse,
It's still very early for both of us, don't give up! They are living in the fog right now, and I'm not sure they know what reality is...
Hopefully, by not seeing us, they will start to realize what they will be losing.
I have 3 kids to think about (ages 15, 12 and 10) they are all very demanding kids (but very good) so I hardly have a minute to myself, which is not always fun! Sometimes I feel I need just an hour to myself to grieve. When I get in bed at night is the time I allow myself to feel those horrible gut-wrenching emotions. During the day I try to be strong. I'm thinking of you.
Let me know how things progress.
KK
Do you have any children? Do you work outside the home? I am a school teacher (elementary)

Hi KK,
I'm so glad you asked for success stories...I , too, think that should be a running topic.

I had a really short plan B period of time, like 3 days, before fog broke and he came back on his knees...this was after 2 D Days.I think what brought my H out of his fog was me going with 2 friends to see my Rabbi for his support in my seeking divorce, and me going to my attorney and planning to file. I had to give the papers to my H to fill out about his information, etc. Plus, our family was leaving for the coast on a vacation without him. Somehow, all the realities just hit home after 5 months of his fog in hell.

Yesterday, we had a wonderful counseling session. We are calm and I do face everyday triggers of the affair, but I am learning to call them what they are and not be controlled by them. It has been a little more than 1 year since he ended the affair.Hope this helps you in some way. Debra

Wow!
Debra Kay, what a great success story! And only 3 days in Plan B! Do you think you would have gone through with the divorce? I'm reluctant to do that because i really don't want a divorce yet...what I want is for him to come home!!!
Thanks for your post, it gives me such encouragement to hear about those doing so well. God bless you, and please pray for my WH and I.
(I've gotten to where I'm not embarrassed to ask people to pray for me).
KK

Well, KK, I didn't want the divorce, but was desperate and my H was so not himself that I couldn't see straight. My kids are around the vicinity of yours...my 17 year old yelled at him 2 nights before he broke off A, I know that really got to him too because he was so proud of being a good role model for his kids. I think all of life's harsh realities just hit him all at once. I am praying for you. debra

Hi KK, I have no kids just an eight year old puppy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I really admire people who did this with kids, it would be tough and you just HAVe to hold it together I guess.

DebraKay thats a great story. I like that you said you get triggers everyday but have chosen not to react to them. You must be very strong.

kk2002 - some success stories may be of not what you want to hear. But I, like many, have a success story. I am glad that I am getting a divorce from my WS. I see the true colors of the WS going through this divorce. That is my success story. I know that I am a good person, and that I will survive. I am happy with who I am, and I will be happy with my future. I know I am a good mother, a good person, a good friend. This is my success story. Yes, you would like to have success in your marriage, I did at one time, but now realize that was a mistake. I know this is the right thing to do, I know that this divorce is the right thing. I no longer want the marriage, I no longer want my WS - STBX as a husband. I no longer want to fill my entire day thinking about him. The future is out there for me to grasp, and I will grasp the future without WS - WH.

This success is common, so be prepared to grasp the future without WH if it comes to that. I finally did, and it feels good.

When plan B is in effect, the best plan is to totally disengage any contact. That is where I didn't have the opportunity to do this. We have our own business, and therefore, WH still had contact everyday. My laywer and counselor told me that the plan B should of been no contact whatsoever. I still am looking forward to having no contact whatsoever, but WH doesn't care about my feelings, or my life. I finally just 2 days ago, said I wish not to talk to you. Give him service calls, and hang up. Making things clear that I am done listening, I am not a ball to be hit by a bat whenever he feels like it. This is reality, and reality hurts, and stinks.

Plan B with no contact, very important to your healing. Very important to letting the WS know that you can move on quite easily without them. Wish I had the opportunity to have done that. But that is what was dealt to me. Plan B with NO CONTACT, WHATSOEVER!

<small>[ July 26, 2002, 06:55 AM: Message edited by: cry2much ]</small>

CRY2much,
How are things going for you?
I understand what you are saying about plan B.
I've really been doing pretty well, except for when I am packing up his stuff. I don't know why he can't just come and get his crap out of the house! He left EVERYTHING here, except for a few change of clothes. My friends keep telling me to sell everything at a garage sale...
I'm probably going to just box up everything and let him know it's in the garage. I have to be out of the house in a week!
Take care. Let me know how you're doing.
KK