hi, i'm new here and not really sure how to tell my long story but here it goes..i found out 2 years ago in january my husband was having an affair, i finally confronted him when i found phone bills he was hiding on me for like 6 months,(i felt so dumb that i didnt notice them missing) anyways, he agreed to go to marriage councling and we did, for that whole year but i didnt know it til this past july(2002) that he started seeing her again while we were going to councling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (like we started councling in end of jan he started seeing her again like in march,) he came home from work on a friday night, ( this is in july now)(he works 2nd shift) and told me he made appointment with councler tomorrow and needed me to be there when i showed up he was already there in with the councler looked like hed been crying i asked whats going on and thats when he told me it was over , he wanted to leave , it hit me like a ton of bricks! i was upset, mad , you name it! i told him fine go , he said he cared for me but this o/w cared for him so much and he just felt something with her he claims they started out just talking friendship and he didnt mean for this to happen well i said it did and i'll be fine, to make a long story short, he left me and his 3 kids(15,14 and 7 at the time) and went to her house, then two days later on monday he showed up wanting to talk to me and said he was wrong he missed THE KIDS and wanted to try and work things out i told him he needed to find another job(she works where he works) and spend more time with the kids and me, well here it is 9 months later and nothing has changed, hes sleeping on the couch no intamacy, not even a hug or kiss goodbye when he leaves for work, and when i ask for attention he says i'm pushing him? i say what?? he says HE has issues with me and I need to be patient with him? i say what?? we had made a list of what we wanted each other to try and change for each other and ive worked on all my issues but he hasnt , hes still working late into the night, not really talking to me about us it's always the housework or something going on at HIS JOB , when i try and talk to him about us he gets all flustered, like he doesnt want to go there like i'm waisting his time, he says we always have talks but never get no where well i'm tired of feeling like i'm trying to hold this marriage together when he was the one who did wrong and should be begging me for forgiveness,i feel strongly about that theres no way for this marriage to work and i am pretty sure i can do it on my own ,i'm scared but i have friends and family support, i guess what i am here asking is how do i tell him to go? i can't just throw him out?? the kids will be ok they are here with me every night and weekends , i do have a good job i'm laid off right now but should be going back soon,(temp layoff) which i took because of all the stress,so i wouldnt loose my job , everyone tells me to throw him out but i just can't do it? how do i get the courage? do i just sit him down and say i want you out? write him a note for him to read when he comes in from working 2nd shift? how do i do it? i dont have money for a lawyer so thats another reason why i'm dragging my feet how do i file when i dont have the money? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> someone out there been in my shoes? what can i do to feel happy again? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> any advice would be great! i know i'm being a fool for dragging my feet but i don;t know how to handle this.any help would be great..thanks for listening!

Hi and welcome to MB.

For starters read the concepts section at the top of this page. Then get ahold of the book his needs/her needs. CAn you get to the IC?

You can search the internet under the divorce and find the site where it shows the options by state so you know what your options are.

You are not alone in this situation. You will need to do a lot of reading to get the best benefit from this site.

take care and post back.

L.

hi thanks for replying so quick , i will look for that book maybe today , i'm going to the local mall so i'll look for it in the book store, i'm just scared and i will do alot of reading on what to do , i want whats best for my kids and i do want their dad in their lives he needs to be! i'm sorry but i don't understand what you meant by getting to the ic? i don't know what you mean (haha)boy do i feel silly.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i'll check back in a little bit for another reply thanks again orchid for replying! ..

Hi Owlmom64,

IC: Individual Counselor or MC: Marriage Counselor. Sorry, it is much easier to just type the initials. There's a thread somewhere about these things.

When you read, you will find out that you can not control him. So the sooner you realize that and implement actions that protect you and the childre, you will heal faster and safer. Easy to say but hard to do because our normal instinct is to help the WS (wayward spouse - your H). But that is NOT healthy for you or the children.

Please read those things including the concepts section above. In there they give introductions to Dr Harley's books along with conversations Dr Harley has had with a few of his patients.

Phone counseling is available and the ph# is listed above as well.

take care is looks like you are in for one long roller coaster ride.

Hugz,
L.

AGAIN I SAY THANKS! I WILL READ EVERYTHING ON THIS SIGHT AND MAYBE GET THAT BOOK YOU SUGGESTED I WOULD OF WENT TODAY BUT MY SISTER CAME FOR A VISIT AND WE WENT OUT TO LUNCH INSTEAD , IT WAS NICE TO GET OUT AND TALK, SHE MADE ME RELIZE I DONT HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY WONDERING AND WAITING FOR HIM TO DECIDE SO I'M GOING TO TAKE ACTION, HES NOT GOING TO CHANGE BECAUSE HE IS STILL SEEING HER , MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER IS FRIENDS WITH MY H OTHER WOMENS DAUGHTER AND SHE TOLD MY NIECE THAT MY H IS STILL SEEING HER SO I'M DONE I WILL CALL THE LAWYER I CALLED A FEW WEEKS AGO AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TO GO OVER ALL MY OPTIONS AND GET THINGS GOING I ALSO CALLED OUR MC AND I MADE APPONTMENT FOR TOMORROW NIGHT AT 5PM THATS WHERE I WILL TELL HIM I'M DONE! AND HES GOT 2 WEEKS TO MOVE OUT, I'M DONE BEING A DOOR MAT AND A FOOL THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR FRIENDLY ADVICE AND I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED..THANKS AGAIN!

Hi,
Good to hear from you. Your strong and weak days will intertwine for a while. Use the days of strength to move forward but do so with caution. You don't want to be left stranded after you have barreled down the highway of life at lightening speed. You could get a speeding ticket!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Glad you had lunch with your sister. See where your support can come from? Even youngsters can help. Don't be surprised if even the family pet can bring some comfort.

When my H came home he used to get mad that I posted so much here. I told him it was because he wasn't 'meeting my needs'. LOL!!! Let him know that the more he met my needs the less I needed to post here.

Well he has been trying since I don't do that 20 -30 posts per day like I used to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Glad to hear you are going to see your MC. You will eventually find your balancing point and know that you not even you can push yourself more than your heart and mind will let you. So don't despair, just learn to work with it.

take care and keep posting,
L.

hi orchid, thanks for giving me support ,yes i am lucky i have my sister nearby as shes the only family i have here as my parents passed away in 92 & 94 and my other family memebers live in another state, i am going to sit today and figure out what I WANT what would make ME happy, ive done for others and tried to please my husband when infact it should be him kissing my a** , i'm sorry but thats the way i feel because he said HE wanted to make this work and i can't help but feel he expects me to make him feel good and stuff when it should be the other way around, i dont understand how and why he thinks this way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> i have tried to have a possitive outlook and feeling like ive been doing everything possible to make my marraige work but i really think hes here just for the kids and knowing what he would have to pay in support and stuff it's better for him!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> well he took my oldest son to a doctor's appointment this morning and my other two just got on the bus so i'm going to sit and think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> write myself out my list and when he comes back i think i will just talk to him , i hope your there this morning and can pray for me that we dont get into a huge uproar, i don't think we will cause we always been able to talk , [LIST] [email]my email is owlmom64@yahoo.com if you would like to email me.[/email] these past few years he has never yelled or hit me or the kids hes not a violent person, but i have seen him when he got really mad one time and it wasnt pretty, but i'm hopeing we can talk and i am going to tell him i wanna seperate and that i would not keep his kids from him and reasure him of that , i think hes here for the kids because hes afraid if we do split he would never see them and thats just not true, i know he loves his kids but not me and we cannot live this way, i deserve to be happy too even if hes still not seeing her(which i'm pretty sure he is) it doesnt matter the trust is gone and i cannot go on like this, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i am glad you and your h are trying to work things out how long have you guys been married and any kids? i will keep you in my thoughts today and hope you will write me back with any last advice on how to handle this talk with him it won't be til about noon so hope you will write back before then <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> , thanks so much for listening and i will keep you posted..lori <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i'm really scared to death but i know i'll be ok and feel better after i tell him how i feel.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

hi orchid, thanks for giving me support ,yes i am lucky i have my sister nearby as shes the only family i have here as my parents passed away in 92 & 94 and my other family memebers live in another state, i am going to sit today and figure out what I WANT what would make ME happy, ive done for others and tried to please my husband when infact it should be him kissing my a** , i'm sorry but thats the way i feel because he said HE wanted to make this work and i can't help but feel he expects me to make him feel good and stuff when it should be the other way around, i dont understand how and why he thinks this way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> i have tried to have a possitive outlook and feeling like ive been doing everything possible to make my marraige work but i really think hes here just for the kids and knowing what he would have to pay in support and stuff it's better for him!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> well he took my oldest son to a doctor's appointment this morning and my other two just got on the bus so i'm going to sit and think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> write myself out my list and when he comes back i think i will just talk to him , i hope your there this morning and can pray for me that we dont get into a huge uproar, i don't think we will cause we always been able to talk , he has never yelled or hit me or the kids hes not a violent person, but i have seen him when he got really mad one time and it wasnt pretty, but i'm hopeing we can talk and i am going to tell him i wanna seperate and that i would not keep his kids from him and reasure him of that , i think hes here for the kids because hes afraid if we do split he would never see them and thats just not true, i know he loves his kids but not me and we cannot live this way, i deserve to be happy too even if hes still not seeing her(which i'm pretty sure he is) it doesnt matter the trust is gone and i cannot go on like this, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i am glad you and your h are trying to work things out how long have you guys been married and any kids? i will keep you in my thoughts today and hope you will write me back with any last advice on how to handle this talk with him it won't be til about noon so hope you will write back before then <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> , thanks so much for listening and i will keep you posted..lori <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i'm really scared to death but i know i'll be ok and feel better after i tell him how i feel.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> [email]my email is owlmom64@yahoo.com if you would like to email me too![/email] <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

oops! i posted my last reply twice because i messed up the writting sorry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> i'll be waiting to hear from you or anyone else, have a good morning i'm going to try and keep busy til he comes back home so we can talk , wish me luck.. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> i'm so scared of what the outcome will be i wish i could look into a crystal ball and predict how things will go but no matter what i will feel better getting this off my chest and he will know exactly how i feel today..

owlmom,

I will work on an e-mail this weekend. I have to leave and pick up my son and car.

Will post back later this evening, ok?

My story is one for the books, like many others here. Some hilarious and other parts quite sad but hey, no different than anyone else.

take care,
L.

Originally posted by owlmom64:
hi orchid, thanks for giving me support ,yes i am lucky i have my sister nearby as shes the only family i have here as my parents passed away in 92 & 94 and my other family memebers live in another state,

Orchid: Remember you have this support. NOt all do. Be grateful for what you do have.

i am going to sit today and figure out what I WANT what would make ME happy, ive done for others and tried to please my husband when infact it should be him kissing my a** , i'm sorry but thats the way i feel because he said HE wanted to make this work and i can't help but feel he expects me to make him feel good and stuff when it should be the other way around, i dont understand how and why he thinks this way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Orchid: Good. Yes he should be doing things for U but right now he is not at that level of logic.

You can not expect him to act like a normal person if he is in the fog. That would be expecting a person in recovery to go back to work and then they get a relapse (false recovery).

His logic is twisted and if you try to make sense of it, it will drive you bonkers. I am asking you to step away from that for now. Very hard to do. Realize that right now there is not a whole lot you will understand about his actions. Just learn to protect yourself and your family.

Also don't be too trusting but not harsh. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

i have tried to have a possitive outlook and feeling like ive been doing everything possible to make my marraige work but i really think hes here just for the kids and knowing what he would have to pay in support and stuff it's better for him!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Orchid: Even if he is there only for the kids, remember the WS can change their mind almost instantly.....for the good and bad. Trust nothing at this point, even if it looks in your favor. Just watch his actions and look for consistency. WS have a hard time maintaining consistency. Why? Because they are living a double life.

Also, marital recovery requires both effort of the H and W. So if this is out of balance with you doing most of the work, in time it won't work. You will run out of steam and he will be off and running away. At this kind of time, the cakeman syndrome runs high. Things like the WS doesn't want to upset the OW, etc. are thrown in our faces.

well he took my oldest son to a doctor's appointment this morning and my other two just got on the bus so i'm going to sit and think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> write myself out my list and when he comes back i think i will just talk to him , i hope your there this morning and can pray for me that we dont get into a huge uproar, i don't think we will cause we always been able to talk , he has never yelled or hit me or the kids hes not a violent person, but i have seen him when he got really mad one time and it wasnt pretty,

Orchid: Let him do stuff with and for the children. Encourage them to speak their mind to him and you keep the avenue of communication open with them. Let them know you love and are there for them. U'd be surprised what can come out of those little mouths. Cuts like a knife.

Anger management doesn't work well in the fog. All that out of balance stuff. My H was a mild mannered guy....guess what? He was charged with DM by the police NOT by me. He was seen pushing me and for them that is all it took.

One way to prevent the uproar is for you to practice how you will act. Practice in front of the mirror if need be.

but i'm hopeing we can talk and i am going to tell him i wanna seperate and that i would not keep his kids from him and reasure him of that , i think hes here for the kids because hes afraid if we do split he would never see them and thats just not true,

Orchid: Write down what you want to say. Expect him to ask for a separation or even a divorce. Realize that he can also change his mind at any moment so don't freak when he says D. You will at first then after a while you may do like I did, tell him to hurry up with the D (in my case the OW was giving him all kinds of D help).

i know he loves his kids but not me and we cannot live this way,

Orchid: Good that he loves the kids. If that is all it is for now, don't panic. Leave it be. No he will not love you right now. If he did, then he wouldn't be treating you sooo bad. Don't expect him to treat you nicely then your disappointment won't be as harsh.

i deserve to be happy too even if hes still not seeing her(which i'm pretty sure he is) it doesnt matter the trust is gone and i cannot go on like this, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Orchid: Yes U do. U WILL also find the strength to go on. u'd be surprised where that support and strength can come from.

i am glad you and your h are trying to work things out how long have you guys been married and any kids?

Orchid: We have been married 12 years and A started before our 10th anniversary. We have an 8 yr old son.

i will keep you in my thoughts today and hope you will write me back with any last advice on how to handle this talk with him it won't be til about noon so hope you will write back before then <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Orchid: I find that helping others served as therapy for me. I would recommend you pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Realize he is a lot more confused than you are. If you are confused it is because he is confused. Then decide how confused will you allow yourself to be. Remember that as a family member living as a family member is a privilege. One which does not include abuse.

i'm really scared to death but i know i'll be ok and feel better after i tell him how i feel.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Orchid: Don't be too scared. U will be fine.

, thanks so much for listening and i will keep you posted..lori <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Orchid: U R welcome.

take care,
L.

<small>[ April 12, 2003, 01:13 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

hey girl, thanks for all your kind words and wisdom, everything helps at this point, but i am still here trying to get the nerve to talk to him , i went to "our" councler last night ALONE he couldnt make it because he works 2nd shift (3-11:30 pm) and he had a computer class he HAD to stay for?? which i didnt know anything about until he called me at 4:45pm to tell me this. i understand he might be confused and all but this way of life i have( been doing this 2 years long now i think ive been giving him enough time to come around and be somewhat part of this family, hes been sleeping on the couch for these 2 years and no intamacy either not even a hug or kiss (peck on the cheek nothing!) i am thinking of staying up tonight (he went into work today at 3pm (working overtime) he doesnt have to be he does this because we can get our addition done weve been working on for 4 years now but the past 2 years prior to me finding out about this affair he hardly did any work on this place so why couldnt he take time off now for us? he doesnt seem to be interested in going out with me alone either, ive said a few times lets go to a movie sat night and he says "what's sat night" i'll say nothing special just thought it would be nice to go out and i usually just drop the subject maybe i'm wrong in doing so but i just feel it's a loss cause, i did say it one time and he made that reply and i did go by myself even though it wasnt much fun but i wanted him to see that i needed to go out he stayed home that night and when i got back like 8pm (i went to early movie) he said well, i gotta go.. i said go where?? he said work.. so i just said ok whatever!! it ruined my whole evening! (what i mean is he could of went with me then and then gone to work) so why didnt he? i really believe he doesnt want me in ANYWAY!!! he is here for the kids and hes got this double life and hes "confortable" he doesnt have to MAKE time to see the kids because hes living here IF we split he would HAVE TO MAKE TIME so i am thinking i will wait up for him tonight no matter what time he comes in and say how i feel, that i want to seperate and need MY SPACE i will write down what i wanna say and think things out( so any advice on this would help alot ), orchid, thanks so much for replying and making me feel that i'm not alone, i don't deserve to be unhappy, i talked to the two older kids i have today (this afternoon) and they understand what i'm going thru and they say to me do whatever you need to do to make you happy mom so i know they understand, i just feel so hurt that they have to go thru this.. but WE will be okay because we have each other.. and yes they will still have there dad (i hope he won't just dissapear) i'll keep writting, gotta go for now ..later..

hi , i just thought id write a short message and let you know orchid that my husband and i have talked today and on monday and he is going to move out within 2 weeks (he says he needs time to find a place to stay ) so i told him 2 weeks , anyways we talked today and i feel so much pressure off myself and i am actually feeling good about things, i know this wont be an easy road for any of us (kids included) but we agreed together that we would try and make this as easy as possible, he told me to sit and decide what iwould like as far as being here at our home and whats to be done , i told him i think we should talk about that more tomorrow and maybe i would feel better going to see a lawyer, he said he understood and said it was ok with him (not that i needed it to be ok with him i need to do it this way for me) anyways, i will keep in touch and write you emails.. take care i think i might sleep better tonight..thanks for your support..lori

Dear Lori,

Glad to hear you are feeling better and it is good to know your children are giving you support. That is ok, they want to help and right now that is good for you. You are already their pillar but it is ok to let them feel useful to you also.

Sounds like your H is going to have to work it out himself. Has to happen.

U continue to take care of you and I will work on e-mailing you soon. Keep up the good work and know that some days, it will feel like a downer but those to will pass. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.