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Lou,
Don't I have to wait until she does something?
What's your thinking about her?

H has been indicating that she is an alcoholic. Yesterday morning during our walk he said, "She's probably started drinking about now". He attributed the drinking to her "guilt" over the fact that what they were doing "was wrong". I just call it alcoholism. Sometimes she did not make it to work on Monday mornings. He said that on Sunday mornings he would usually go jogging in the woods for a couple of hours and come back and find her using. YUK!!! Being with her on the weekends must have been lovely. He has implied that a good thing was that she was "uninhibited". YUK AGAIN!!!!

<small>[ September 15, 2003, 08:58 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

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Mimi, has she not already harrassed you on your job? And driving by your house? That is considered stalking I believe. And a very legitimate reason for a RO. Has she made any verbal threats? use them if she has.
Ask at the court house or of a police officer. I believe you already have enough reason to put one in affect.
I certainly hope so.
LouLou

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I just wanted to share what I have learned in hopes that this may help some of you. People here have been so helpful to me that I want to give back some of what I have received.

These are my suggestions:

DO A GREAT PLAN A: Steve H. called it MY PLAN. I tried to figure out what ENs that I was not addressing in my marriage. I worked on these problems. Making these changes was mainly good for me as a person but it also has been an essential ingredient in my marriage today. These changes have become a part of me so that now that my H is back it is not forced. It is natural for me to go to the gym, watch what I eat, cook dinner for the family, consider his point of view, give him attention, etc. These are some of the things that I was not doing prior to D-Day. Of course, I am not perfect. The fact that I am doing enough of these things compensates for my weak points. What I have not been able to accomplish continues to be our primary marital problems. The point is WORK ON YOUR PLAN.

ACCEPT THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY NEED TO GO TO PLAN B: Folks on here told me this but I did not want to believe it. For my H, the A was too addictive for PLAN A to be enough. But true to the Harley text, he has told me PLAN A caused him to think about me a lot while he was with her. Even if he did not want to, he remembered the me that I was during my PLAN A.

THE MORE TIME WS SPENDS WITH THE OP, THE BETTER: This is what I'm repeatedly hearing from FWS. Prior to PLAN B, they mainly met on the the weekends, maintaining the fantasy. When I was out of the picture, he really got to know her. Luckily in my case, she seems to be a nutty, alcoholic. He can't find too many good things to say about her as a real person. She was lots of fun but day-to-day she was not able to do the job of wifey that he needs to make it. Add my SF, physical attractiveness, domestic stuff during PLAN A, he's in love with me again. She's not meeting any needs. He's left addicted to her, hoping and wishing for the drug to take effect again. Let me know if I'm not making this clear because it is an important point.

WS DOES NEED A ROAD MAP BACK HOME (as suggested by Espoir and MM): This is the transition piece that we have been talking about in my thread towards the end of the A. My WS stated that he wanted to end the A, come home months ago but needed to feel that there was a way out FOR HIM . If there was not a way out, he thinks he would have given up and just stayed in his mess. I would imagine that the WAY OUT will look different for different people. For him, he wanted a nice place to stay. A refuge continues to be important to him. Also, he is very proudful and needed to be sure that he would not be humiliated by me, my family or the kids. This all can be spelled out specifically in one or more PB letters. I wrote a couple of letters, I think. My FWS referred back to those. Also, I opened up lines of communication in the end regarding my terms for reconciliation.

HANGING IN THERE WILL MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON: Regardless of the outcome of this for me, I am happier with myself. It's unbelievable to me that I am saying this. I am a stronger, more self-confident person. So even if my H goes back to the OW, God forbid, I now will not take it as a rejection of me. I know that I did everything I could possibly do to save my marriage. Now it's on him. If he leaves, it will be his loss. He knows this about me now and has grown to respect me.

These are my thoughts for now. Hope this helps somebody.

<small>[ September 15, 2003, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

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It does.

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Mimi

Maybe ou could take your last post and make it into a thread of it's own .... it's too important to be lost in the middle of this very long thread....

I think "recovery" and "jfo" boards need it's own copy of your last post as well. It's that good.

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Thank you for this post.
DO A GREAT PLAN A:
I did what I think was an excellent Plan A. Go to the gym more often, lost weight, go to IC. I am an improved version of myself.
ACCEPT THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY NEED TO GO TO PLAN B:
I have now been in Plan B for four weeks. After six months in a good Plan A I needed to go to Plan B as much for myself as for my M.
THE MORE TIME THE WS SPENDS WITH THE OP, THE BETTER:
WW has been living with her mother for the past four months, today she is moving into her own apartment. This move may allow WW and OM to spend more time together and it is good to hear that you, like many MBs who have posted, think this is a good thing.
Hopefully I am on the same path you have taken.

Now about the road map. My Plan B has been solid with NC. When your WH decided that he would considering returning, what indications did he give you and how? Were there any concessions you were willing to make in order to bring him home, or did you simply state your conditions? And now that he is back are there any compromises he has asked from you?
I have followed your thread from the start and you did an excellent job, getting great advice from others (especially MM on Plan B). Whatever the final outcome you can be proud of yourself. Thank you for staying here and helping those of us who need advice and inspiration. For now you deserve to wear the crown as Queen of Plan B.

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I'm not sure I know how to move the post.

You guys, tell me how or feel free to do it for me.

Remember, I'm the Spoiled Brat!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ September 15, 2003, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

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Mimi, Bravo! Great points that everyone should see. Could you start up a new thread with these points so others can see?

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Mimi, are you ok? Have you seen any sign of OW since the Friday incident with the lawn man?

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Mimi,

I am thrilled that everything seems to be going so well for you, after such a long, hard time. It sounds like you are on solid ground finally with your H, and he is lucky to have you... and hopefully he realizes it! You have a great attitude.

As for your son, you may need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him. I wouldn't let things fester. Make it clear that although H has made some mistakes, he is DAD and he is back in the family. Also make it clear that it is your M and it is not your son's place to draw conclusions about it. Let him know that you appreciate his support and that the best thing is for all of you to come closer together as a FAMILY.

Best of luck, Mimi!

espoir #1072844 02/24/07 11:11 AM
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Bump for LilSis.

LG

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And this is just SOME of the PLAN B thread....there was a previous pages and pages of a PLAN A thread...


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


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Mimi:

I picked this thread up by sorting on the "replies" column in the GQII section.

This one was about #25 on the list.

LilSis's is first. After Idiotville, 1,2,3. Thndr&lightning, TKO and Grays Campfire.

Followed by Heartsore.

What got me to pull it up?

The middle of the first post.

To paraphase: "Mimi fought with WH, and struggled." But OW did not intervene. And nobody went to jail....

OMG!

No wonder you are so invested in LilSis. The story line is so similar...

And you have been great to her.

I wanted to thank you for that. We may have disagreed on some individual things, but you were always giving LilSis excellent advice.

Keep it up.

LG

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I'm jealous that Sis got to HER..I tried more than once..but H stood in the way...

AND...there was the time that I was gonna DRIVE to her house and my H hid my glasses...

It's a BLESSING..could have been a TRAGIC ending..I was THAT ENRAGED...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

On another note, I wonder where ESPOIR is....SHE WAS WONDERFUL to me..

ESPOIR, if you are out there lurking, come in and say hello...

Last edited by mimi1254; 02/24/07 11:50 AM.

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WOW.

I'm working my way through this. mimi, I never would have guessed... Uncertainty and confusion...from mimi?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I guess I had this image of someone who knew exactly what to do, no hesitation. It seems as if the clarity that you have now is not what you experienced in the midst of it...isn't that the way life is? Knowlege and wisdom comes only with experience.

Recognizing that, I feel like someone with a blindfold on, with a shape in front of me. It feels like something very familiar, smells like something familar, sounds like something familiar. Those with knowledge and wisdom (no blindfold) are telling me that it is NOT the familiar thing that I believe it to be. However, I am resistant to abandoning my own instincts, in spite of the voices around me and other evidence that supports what those voices say.

I think BS's probably all experience this in some way...right? And we probably all come around in our own way, in our own time. I'm still working on it, perhaps being more stubborn than most.

Thanks so very much, LG and mimi.

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Quote
It seems as if the clarity that you have now is not what you experienced in the midst of it...isn't that the way life is? Knowlege and wisdom comes only with experience.


Girl, I've been trying to tell you that I've WALKED IN YOUR SHOES!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I can't even bear to read this thread again...SO VERY PAINFUL...

But feel free to ask me questions and I'll TRY to answer...


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I was just in this thread SKIMMING..I do need to stay out of here but...look at this comment OF MINE that I found...

Quote
I might get too discouraged and depressed if I stay on here. That's what happened to me yesterday. I have to keep going and be somewhat optimistic.


SOUND FAMILIAR, SIS?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


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LOTS of it sounds familiar, mimi. Too familiar. It is depressing to me as well, to read of your struggles. It should be inspiring, but it's not...at least not today. It's just painful.

I can certainly see why you need to keep out of here. That feeling that you get going back in...is probably what I feel right now, and feel every day...right?

Shoo me away, would you? Until I'm in a better place.

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SHOO..but WORK ON getting to a BETTER PLACE...for your OWN SAKE...

It's definitely NASTY, UGLY and STINKY in AFFAIR LAND...

But keep in mind, though, that NOW..I'VE NEVER, EVER BEEN HAPPIER....

Last edited by mimi1254; 02/25/07 10:45 AM.
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this needed to be bumped

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