well just talked to my H, he called me in response to a message i had left at the house on saturday. he's just now getting back to me? anyway that's another story.

so we talked about why i called, some bills, he said he got his grades from last semester, 2 B's, 1 A, 1 F. he expected the F because he just got so far behind he couldn't get caught up. i wonder why he got so far behind? maybe too much time spent in the A? of course. but i tried to stroke his ego and say what a good job he did w/the other ones and that he was almost done. he said he was going to be taking the summer off and now wouldn't graduate until the fall. he said he would probably have to get a full time day job and work at night (oh well) but he was so close he couldn't stop. i asked him if he thought he would make enough money at work to pay the bills and he said he hoped so.

he said he called in his GI bill money on saturday at 0700 so it should be there now or soon. i said you called it in on saturday? (i didn't know if he could or not) he said well it sounded like you needed it and just said we needed it. he didn't say anything. he said it was good talking to me, i heard one of our dogs barking and mentioned it and he just said he was outside. we both said we would talk later and both hung up.

of course, the are lots of ways to look at this new development. is this "good" because it will give them (h and OW) more time together and hence more reality will set in (the warts coming out)? is it "bad" that they will probably get to spend more time together and make it more difficult for my H to break away if ever? what do i do about the finances? should i try and enter into some sort of agreement what things he will pay and/or be responsbile for?

the whole thing is kind about me dragging my feet and letting him have to be responsible for things. such as, if he wants to sell the house, then he's going to need to do all the work. how much longer do i teeter between making things easier? and you could even look at that different ways, making it easier to keep up what he's doing or what i don't want to do is make things easier for him by walking away.

so now that i know he won't be done w/school and there for can't move from that state until december does that change my plan? don't know, have a session w/SH on tuesday and will talk this over. what does everyone else think who's been following my story?

RR, I really don't have much advice for you. But I am with you all the time. Hang in here to get some good poking advices.

RR, I honestly don't have any experience in this area. But I would suggest you try to detach a little bit. Get him wondering what you are doing. Don't call about anything and see how long it takes him to call you. I understand there are bills to be paid and other necessary decisions that effect you both. But just approach things the best you can without his help. If he questions why you did something just say that was based on my best judgement. Look if I don't change the oil in my wifes car I don't expect her to change it. Ever. So I would not complain to her if the engine locked up because the oil wasn't changed. I would know to expect it. In other words work within yourself and get out of his head. This is not only hurting you it is consuming you in my opinion. And that's certainly natural but you need to find some positive outlets for you. Good luck with SH.

the only thing is that SH said that i was supposed to initiate contact w/my H every other day. so i've been trying to mix it up via phone, email, regular mail, etc. i don't call on his cell phone, i just leave a message at the house, and don't call unless i have something "factual" as SH puts it. SH suggested this much contact because it continually reminds my H of me and that it doesn't let him compartmentalize stuff. even if he were to check his email and see a message from me and deleted it, he still saw the from address and at the minimum thought "roughroad." same thing for regular mail, he may not open what i send put he still sees my name on the return addres label before he chucks it.

that's the only thing i can speak to as far as detachment goes. it wouldn't really be hard for me to not call my H, sometimes it's more difficult to initiate contact. but i think SH's reason for doing this is logical and i'll do what he recommends for as long as i can. i guess i just want to say hear what you are saying and think others would probably agree but when you counsel w/SH you are compelled to do what he says, am i right?

i haven't always answered the phone when he calls at least at the home phone or on my cell. at work i don't have much of a choice because i don't know who's calling which is what happened last week. when we finally did talk, my h said he was worried about me because he couldn't get a hold of me. maybe that's what he was doing to me this time, by not returning my call right away. i think i'm also a lot more detached then most simply because i'm in another state and don't have the chance of running into him or the OW. i treat every type of contact that i do (letter, email, phone msg, etc.) as if he never actually reads it but is at least thinking of me.

don't get me wrong, keep the suggestions and insights coming!, just wanted to let you know why i was calling h in the first place. i know part of my frustration also comes from the fact that i still feel like my situation is so different than others (i know, i know it isn't). by that i mean, no kids involved on either side, i have alredy been living in another state but not because of this, the OW is single and young, and neither the OW's parents or my IL's seem like they are going to do anything, there's no friends of my H to expose to, he works at a resturaunt and not some company where professionalism and ethics count, and he does not go to church. so yes, i still hash those things out in my head and think of how things could happen or aren't happening now, based on my situation. continued prayers to you.

RR I just read this post and I thank you so much for supporting me. I just want to say your doing all you can and you've done everything right so far. Keep with SH's plan for you and no matter what happens you did everything you could to save your M and no one can take that away from you. Prayers to you.

thanks tinman for your support too, sometimes the comfort i get is by trying to help others but don't really feel like i'm in any position to do that. i wax and wane a lot. sometimes overtly (crying) or just sometimes thoughts coming into my head such as maybe i should take a break from the forums, or wondering if other men find me attractive.

i did forget to mention that my H asked me if i was still working out and i said yes, that i've lost 38lbs, he said "you've lost another 38 lbs?" i said no that i've lost 38 altogether 10 of which has been since the last time i saw him. he asked if it has kind of slowed down (the weight loss) and i said yes, but it's still going in the right direction. i wonder what the real reason was that he asked me, was it to make small talk? or was he really curious to see if i've been keeping things up? well, regardless, i need to get back in the saddle w/working out. i want to lose at least another 10lbs before i see him again.

why am i telling you all this? don't know, just one of those things that make you go hmmmmmmm. i didn't really think about it at the time he asked me but did later. i asked SH if i should mention my additional weight loss to my H and he said no and not to even try to sneak it in a conversation like "okay, well i got to go and exercise." so i'll see what SH has to say about this. I'm going to try and get him (SH) to be more specific.

i just feel that because i wasn't a very good wife that i will never be given another chance. was i a bad wife? i don't think so but i wouldn't have called me a good wife either.

just noticed the ages in your signature line, i've seen them before, but it didn't dawn on me until now the closeness of all our ages (mine, yours, and our WS). oh well...got any big plans for the weekend? i'm going to visit my mom and dad. they live about 5.5 hrs away so i'll leave after work tomorrow and then be back sunday night. going to try and get my mom to go see the movie "Van Helsing" w/me while i'm there. don't feel like going by myself. i suggested it to her and she said "the movie w/all those weird things in it?" don't know why she asked me that when she knows one of my favorite movies of all time is "silence of the lambs." anyway, i think she'll go, my dad never wants to go to the movies, he likes watching them but doesn't like to go out to see them.

again, why am i telling you all this? don't know just really feel like you and i have a lot in common. wish i had the support of my IL's like you do but anyway, i gotta go and i'll check in w/everyone tomorrow. prayers to you.

RR, have a great trip this weekend. Wonderful how your doing with the weight loss. Congratulations and keep it up. Of course follow SH's advice. I think I mean you need to detach emotionally and not let this eat you up. Take care of you and the rest will take care of itself. I've been at this a long time and I am really starting to see the rewards of my patience. I seem to have finally got W's attention in a good way. So just do your best so you won't have any regrets. I know our situations are very different but I'm proud of the way I've handled things and you want to be able to say that to. No matter what.

WOE