H and I had a very bad night last night.

We received a letter from an old friend telling us that he had parted from his wife. When H got home we talked about it. I mentioned that years ago when we were very young, not long married, when F wasn't married, F had kissed me. We had all been out to dinner, had a lot to drink and F sort of grabbed me when H was in the kitchen.

H said last night "do you tell me things like that just to be cruel".

Why did I LB like that? It's almost like I want drama to happen so we can talk about everything again.

As it happens we did talk again and H was his usual understanding and remarkable self.

Why did I say something so hurtful?

Jenny

KiwiJ,

I'll take a stab at this by putting myself in your shoes and exmaning why I might have acted the way you did in that same situation.

Hearing about the friend splitting up reminded you of how fragile relationships are. That frightened you, and you wanted reassurances from your H that the two of you will never become non-vigilant about your M again.

So you mentioned the kissing because it related to the friend, it could be done under the guise of Radical Honesty, and you knew it would cause your H to have an intimate conversation with you.

The intimate conversation provided a reassurance that you two could be vigilant, and open, and still there for one another during the tough times. It was a way to practice your MB skills together, to make sure they're still there.

It was probably also a test for your H, to see if he'd respond lovingly and find you loveable.

I could be WAY off, and I'm making gross assumptions, but I can see myself acting the way you did, and it would be out of insecurity and fear. I'm afraid of repeating the awful A lesson.

Turtlehead, thank you. You are being very kind, under the circumstances. I could have cut my tongue out last night. H said "any more surprises while we're at it."

I did want to have an intimate discussion again and it WAS upsetting that our friends have split up.

After my remark we DID have a wonderful talk about our future and how it would be together, about the A and life in general. The thing is he doesn't need to reassure ME, I'm the one who should be reassuring him and remarks like the one I made only make him feel anxious and upset again.


Jenny

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 04:24 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Jenny,

Are you "High Maintenance"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You know you are wrong, don't you?

He does need to reassure you because you don't know the status of his pain or his thinking sometimes.

Yes, you are right you should be reassuring him as well.

I also think you are both pretty sensitive right now, and frankly when it comes to marriage and marriage issues you will continue to be. You will find that divorces hit you harder, affairs will really bother you. Your H will be the same. The more you know or experience the more sensitive you become. I know I have since being here and I have NOT been in your situation.

I wonder if you went to your H and explained your NEED to talk periodically, to be reassured by him that he still wants you would that help you? Would that focus you?

I mentioned a long time ago that you will begin to see the things you lost. Your H's trust in your motivations is one of them, hence the discussion last night. Interestingly, another thing you lost is absolute certainty that he will not one day wake up and leave.

I think you all handled it well. I think you were honest with him, if a "bit" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> late. Don't worry you are doing well, but I can tell you are one that likes to talk the subject into submission aren't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You also seem to be a very open person, and you know what it will hurt your H sometimes, but he would much rather you be as you are than a very quiet, say little type of person.

You are doing well Jenny, you really are.

God Bless,

JL

JL are you H in disguise today????

High maintenance is my middle name. H said last night that when he took his marriage vows they should have said "Do you take this woman and are you prepared for a rollercoaster every day of your life...." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He's such a lovely, lovely man. He said he wouldn't be without the rollercoaster (NOT the A one - just life with me).

Talk the subject into submission? Moi?

Next time, instead of LBing, I'll ask him if we can talk.

Jenny

Oh God,

The "we need to talk". The 4 words most dreaded by the male of the species. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I realize "can we talk?: sounds milder, but WE KNOW it is a ploy for THE TALK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Actually, Jenny, you do need to talk to him all of the time, not AT him, but to him, to his heart. He will hear you.

It sounds as if he has a good sense of humor, and that is a wonderful thing. I hope you enjoy it, I hope you kid him, I hope you see him for who he really is. He sounds pretty sensitive and pretty special. Be aware of his sensitivity, it is probably what go to him during the bad period when he lost his parents. But, it is also what makes him love you so.

I think you have a keeper there Jenny, enjoy him. Ya, and talk his ear off every now and then. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL