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<small>[ July 28, 2004, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

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Dear Kas (Broken Vessel),

You’re welcome and thanks for your interest! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can you explain more how your situation broke off before it became 'inappropriate'? I wish I had done that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually my friendship with OM became ‘inappropriate’ and developed to beginning stage of EA before it was broken off. Before I explain how the EA was broken off, let me give you a short background first:

I had a difficult childhood (child abuse) and was raised with a father who was emotionally unavailable to me. During the friendship OM unconsciously filled that gap. Since I was 10 years old, my father was involved with another women, and till today, he still regarded her as only a ‘very close, emotional supportive friend’. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I was thus raised with the perception that there is nothing wrong with ‘close opposite sex friendship’ between married people as long as there isn’t any sexual/sensual involvement; verbal expression of feelings towards each other; etc. My own inappropriate involvement and this website was indeed a VERY big eye-opener to me and corrected all the wrong perceptions I had about opposite sex friendships. I learned very big lessons from this.

Anyway, OM and my involvement with him was the ‘catalyst’ that on the end forced me to go into IC and explore & resolve all my issues around childhood. If I look back now, I can really see God’s grace & protection in this whole process. Just after my feelings and involvement towards OM had escalated to a level where I was so anxious and emotionally confused that I couldn’t take it anymore, I went to a counselor and started to explore my childhood issues. A week after this, my H discovered one of OM’s e-mails (d-day) and the inappropriateness of the friendship. Till today, I strongly believe that this happening was the hand of God that brought everything out in the open and protected me & my H from more damaging and further involvement with OM. I started using AntiDeps during this time.

Although I became emotionally and physically more and more attracted to OM during the friendship, fear; anxiety & uncomfortable feelings also increased at the same time… During IC my counselor said that I must acknowledge the positive side of these instinctive reactions - that I must view it as a ‘blessing and protection from God’ to protect me against my own weaknesses and against any other man who might have bad intentions. If I think back now, I can see the truth in it: I remember while I was in the midst of my involvement with OM, how this anxious and uncomfortable feelings at the same time protected me and held me back from further involvement into a serious EA and/or PA with OM. Although 'moral code' and conscience plays a big role in these things, I think many of it also have to do with my experiences as a child - I think my deep-settled fear of “sexually being abused again” also prevented me from letting the EA developed into something more serious and a physical involvement.

After my H discovered the e-mail on D-day, I tried to keep the friendship on appropriate level with OM, but he couldn’t accept my boundaries and OM ended the friendship 6 months later. After this I sank into major depression again and went back for IC and medication (I’m using a AntiDep chronically now, since depression is genetically a problem in my family). After a view months OM tried to restart the friendship, but by this time I’ve already discovered MB and have decided to have NC with OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Is it hard for you as you still work at the same place?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kas, it was extremely difficult in the beginning after the EA was ended, but I’m recovered from most of those issues now. The anxiety I’ve experienced when I accidentally bumped into OM was MAJOR (almost like a phobia) and very difficult to deal with. If I accidentally see OM now, I still feel uncomfortable and have some anxious feelings, but I have learned to deal with it and these feelings is only on an average level now. I experience these feelings does get better with time and I’m very glad for that! The other problem I’ve experienced is that accidental contact with an OP holds back recovery and makes it difficult to get through withdrawal and shaking off residual feelings. I believe that is why it took me so long to get though withdrawal (18 months in total), but luckily those issues are also something off the past now. Although I have not reached the ideal state of indifference towards OM yet, I don’t miss his friendship or wondering how he is doing anymore.

Sorry so long. I’m going to read your new thread right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 03:47 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

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Suzet,
You've been very helpful to me as I can see some similaritites in our situations. I agree 100% about not letting yourself open up to someone of the opposite sex...the problem was that I felt safe doing that because i didn't think he was "after" anything with me. If he had made inappropriate comments, the red flags would have been raised and I would have run int the opoosite direction as fast as I could.
Also, it's reassuring to know that you can be in such close proximity with OM and still "get over" it. There is SOOO much opportunity for us to run into each other accidentally, and it's a constant reminder that I'm finding hard to deal with. Part of the problem is that the first time we had contact after the affair ended, he said "At least this way (driving by so frequently) I get to see you sometimes." So while I know that he HAS to drive by (he farms his father's land...we live between him and his father) I also am always wondering if he is maybe enjoying having to do that, because of what he said. He recently put up fence to put cattle there so now he has to go by every single day to feed them or whatever. I want to be able to go out and dowhatever without worrying about running into him...my tendency has been to "hide" and I don't like it, but I don't quite trust myself yet and I also don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me, if that's what he is getting!
Anyway, if you have any advice for dealing with this type of situation, I'd appreciate it very much!

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I agree 100% about not letting yourself open up to someone of the opposite sex...the problem was that I felt safe doing that because i didn't think he was "after" anything with me. If he had made inappropriate comments, the red flags would have been raised and I would have run in the opposite direction as fast as I could.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>Onlywords, I also felt safe (too safe) during my friendship with OM and didn’t think he was “after” anything with me either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> The moment I’ve realized that my feelings went deeper than just “friendship”, it was a very big shock to me. However, at that stage I was emotionally so attached to OM and “foggy” in my thinking that I wasn’t paying attention to OMs inappropriate comments and laughed it off as “jokes” and nothing serious…how naieve!

Onlywords, the difference in our situations as far as contact with the OM is concerned, is that there is a chance that you might see OM EVERY DAY, but with me it only happen once in a while… Some times months went by before I bump into him, and some times it happen a few times a week, but at least it doesn’t happen every day. I can ‘hear’ and see this is a big problem to you and I know how difficult it is to deal with this. Here follows some suggestions:

1. First it might help if you send OM a short NC-letter stating that the A was wrong and hurtful to you H; that you love your H; wants to work on your M and don’t want to have any further contact or friendship with him at all. You can ask him not to try to contact you and if you accidentally bump into him, he must ignore you and just pass by. Your H must approve the letter before you send it and it must be signed by both of you. I’ve written a similar letter to OM and it really helped. You will still experience uncomfortable feelings etc. but the letter will give you some reassurance.

2. If you accidentally bump or see OM, try to act normal and just ignore him like you would if he was a total stranger… Don’t greet him or pay any attention. I know it’s not easy to ‘hide’ feelings, but for your own sake and your M’s sake, you have to do it. Don’t trust your feelings and instincts right now… Don’t give OM any chance to re-connect with you. Keep the 'door' closed.

3. I understand you don’t like your tendency to ‘hide’, but if it means avoiding contact with OM (especially now while you’re in withdrawal and early recovery) then it's a good thing. I’ve also doing the same thing in the beginning (avoid going out of the office or going to places where I might bump into OM) but as I have given myself some time and patience to heal, I have experienced those tendency to ‘hide’ does become better. But right now, with your situation, you need to ‘avoid’ OM to protect yourself and your H. Especially since you feel so vulnerable. Try to avoid those places where you might bump into him during a specific time of the day etc. Later, when you’re further in recovery and not in withdrawal anymore, you will be better able to handle those situations.

4. Try to share those feelings of discomfort, fear of bumping into OM etc. with your H and get it out. It will strengthen the bond between the two of you and give you some relief from those feelings.

I hope my post can be of some help to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Broken Vessell:
<strong>The matter of his wife knowing, has been taken out of my hands by a higher authority. I can say no more. It is not a deliberate choice by me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Baloney. Give us a break!

Who is this wife, Royalty whom you can't contact?

Sorry, I don't believe you.

You had the "authority" to conduct an affair with her husband, yet somebody else has the authority to tell her?

I suppose we're using the wrong terminology here.

Many people have the authority to tell her - any of her true friends.

You and her husband have the responsibility.

WAT

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broken vessel....your story sounds a lot like mine. I'm a 42 year old FWW who was involved with co-worker who is 53. Started out as friendship and turned into EA/PA very quickly. The comment made about avoiding close opposite sex friendships is so true. You become quickly attached to the OP before you even know it. I was involved with OM for about 1 year before we mutually ended things. It has been a long year of recovery. I too have a wonderful and supportive H. I understand what you're going through and wish you the best!!

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<small>[ July 28, 2004, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

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:::: became dependant on the OM because of the above two things... I am trying to break free. The pull is strong. Very Strong. I depend on God.

Kaz, I'm a BS (wife). I am a very strong person when it comes to faithfulness - I could never have had an A, and I am certain of that. Reasons are probably not very nobel though. I think my reasons for not wanting an A are purely selfish - so I won't take the high moral - I think I'm too strong to need another person in that way.

Just wanted to say hello and welcome. You sound a real sweetie and obviously you are trying very hard to do the right thing. I'm very proud of you. Keep trying. Every day you succeed, is a day closer to feeling good about yourself. If you weaken, you will hate yourself more than you do already. There is nothing for you with the OM. He is an addiction. Once you stop all contact with him, the pain will slowly subside.

I recently had the chance to have a revenge A. The man was just gorgeous and I really felt drawn to him. I refused to get drawn in and I was shocked at how many hours it took me to calm down for not meeting him. I knew it would go away if I just waited it out. What must it be like for you, who've become so much more involved with another man? But the principle is the same. You have to wait it out. It will take time and you must be patient and not weaken. Be strong, because all good things are where you are in your Marriage. It won't be too long before you are loving your H with all your heart and soul and you will be despising the OM. Eventually this will happen and you will be glad of it.

Give youself a chance of happiness. What you have with the OM is nothing but ugliness and hurt.

I hope I've not said anything to make it worse for you. I am sure it's very difficult, but I can see that you are going to make it. Hang in there and look forward to the time that you are helping WW's!

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BrokenVessel,

I wrote a reply to you on the other post

Please don't ever feel any pressure to share anything you are not comfortable with sharing. For whatever reason, the wife does not know. I do not get the impression that you are delighting in that fact but rather feel grief over it. I pray that God will give you wisdom as to how you should handle that and what you should do if anything. That is a difficult situation that I am sure weighs heavily on your heart, knowing that she does not know. I would encourage you to pray about it and pray that God would reveal the truth of the affair to her in some way and in His time.

May God be near you and continue to see you through this. Continue to have a humble, contrite heart of repentance while accepting His forgiveness at the same time.

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 01:15 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

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<small>[ July 28, 2004, 08:23 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

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<small>[ July 11, 2004, 01:16 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

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<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

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BrokenVessel,

I'm not sure if you'll read this but I'm glad I was able to encourage you. I don't know that anyone could tell you exactly what you should or shouldn't do re: his wife. I think she should know, but I also know that God is more than capable of "exposing" it in ways that include things like His perfect timing. And it might not be that it comes through you. There's alot of unseens (how will she react? will she try to harm you? is she strong enough to hear it now? will she receive it better hearing it from someone else? etc) and so I pray God gives you wisdom. I know that must be a tough situation, and my heart goes out to you and to her as well.

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oops!
wrong thread.
Miss M

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 11:54 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

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<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

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