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Joined: Feb 2004
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Well I spoke w/a lawyer this morning. Good thing is I believe he is a “good” one and that will counsel me the way I need to be counseled. Maybe it’s not necessarily bad news but after talking to him I’ve kind of changed my position about fighting the D. I mean nothing has been filed as far as I know and I’m certainly not going to file but when it does happen, my stance has changed a little. I had basically convinced myself that I should do all I could to prolong and stall things because that would be doing all I could. However, I want to remain my dignity and come out smelling like roses. I have tried to maintain myself through all this that I wanted to take the high road and be able to look back without regret. I feel I have taken the high road and the only road for me. However, I feel if I would really contest things just to prolong everything then I would just come off as a bitter and angry woman who will stop at nothing to keep her husband. That is not the picture I want to leave w/my husband on the day the D is final and it will be final because there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

My lawyer did say that I could go ahead and email my H what I was going to email and come to some kind of agreement. But I kind of have to treat it as a #1 or #2 option type situation. If my h agrees to help out in the ways that I have asked then that will help me judge what I need to do. If he doesn’t then probably the best thing to do is see if he will deed the house over to me so that I will have total responsibility. Because I will need his cooperation in selling the house if it remains in both our names. I will continue to pay the bills until my H states he will help out or until it is decided by the court. There really wasn’t a whole lot my lawyer could do for me or advise me without me having any kind of papers. He said once I received D papers then to let him know asap although we wouldn’t reply until the very last day. Apparently there will be things on the petition and each will require a response and depending on what those are is how I will respond. There’s not a lot of assets per se just a lot of financial obligations. I told my lawyer I was concerned that because I make so much more money than my h that I would have to take the majority of the bills. He said that was a real possibility and I will have to decide if it comes to that how much I really contest to have my H take a fair load of the financial obligations.

We are probably looking at 3 months from start (time I’m served papers) to finish if I don’t want things to get ugly. My L said it’s going to cost my H about $1500 to file. He wouldn’t tell me how much it was going to cost me only that he charges $200/hr and it depends on which lawyer prepares what and depends on what I want to do. I made it clear that I was not going to be the one that files for a D. he was very nice and was honest w/me and talked to me about what the bible says and what God would want me to do, etc.

So I’m going to go ahead and send the email to H today and give him a couple of days to respond (he wrote in his letter he was going to check his email every day). If he hasn’t responded to me by Friday then I will have to assume that he doesn’t want to help in anything and I will have my lawyer draw up the necessary paperwork to have the house turned over to me, serve my husband w/that, and go about things on my own. I’m not necessarily discouraged but it still hurts that this could be over so quickly once it’s started. One thing I wasn’t happy about was the fact that it will definitely probably be said that we have been separated since last October since that is when I left the house. Even though everyone knows it wasn’t because we were having problems, it won’t look like that in court. But there’s nothing I can do about that now.

So thanks guys for your help and I’ll still come here. I do have a session w/SH on Friday but kind of feel like it’s more of a wrap up session. I think SH will be proud and agree that I have done all that I could for as long as I could but now my hand is being forced. I can’t continue to counsel w/SH because of the $$ situation. Lawyer fees take precedence right now and something has got to give. I’m okay and will be okay. Continued prayers to all, RR

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Well, rr, you know that we are all sorry to see it come to this. But I am so glad that you have some sound legal counsel now and are protecting yourself. I hope that your H comes through for you on this, even though it's not the ideal situation.

I agree that contesting at this point would not be a good idea, though I'm still keeping the option open for myself. I think I will probably end up on the same road you are taking though. You are handling this with dignity and grace. Be proud of yourself--I know that we are!

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RR,

I'm glad that you called the lawyer and it sounds like he gave you some great advice, not just legal, but also a bit on a personal note. I like his approach very much.

I would also sent that email to your WH and see what he says about your suggestion of turning over the deed to you. He could be counting on monies from the sale of the home that he could use to file for D. Since your lawyer mentiond that you may be stuck with a large majority of the bills, then I think it would only be fair that you would be able to keep the money from the sale of your home.

I think you have done an excellent job, RR and should it really come to a D (which I still have hope that it won't and I will continue to pray that it doesn't), then you know that you have given it your best and your all and you should not have any regrets at all.

I know that you have a painful road ahead of you, no matter what happens, but please know that that are many people here on MB who are with you, so don't ever become a stranger here, okay?

Kati

P.S. I was going to write you a private email, but I couldn't find your posting where you wrote it in your signature block.

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I like the sounds of this lawyer....even though I hate that you had to go to him.

I will continue to lift you up in my prayers daily.

Hugs to you Roughroad.

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maddy, it's hard for me to find a middle ground on the proud issue. i do feel some pride but at the same time i don't want to get to prideful and have something happen and everything come tumbling down again. but as you said doing things w/dignity and grace will hopefully be the way i will handle things until the end.

kati, yeah i think my lawyer is a keeper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> i already sent the email to my H and i didn't say anything about turning over the house to me for a couple of reasons. 1-because even if that does happen i'm still faced w/having to try and get somebody to check on the house so it would be easier if he helped out. 2-because as far as the proceeds from the sell of the house that is something i would like to deal w/in mediation and that the proceeds have to go towards the marital debt. ie. not for him to use for whatever purposes he has in mind.

my email is chewey75@hotmail.com there's really no point in trying to hide that now and i would like to hear from you. maddy and i just hooked up so to speak <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> i actually have to go for the day but will check back tomorrow.


and just for the record. I WILL NOT BE ANSWERING ANY PHONE CALLS FROM MY HUSBAND IF HE SHOULD ACTUALLY CALL ME. he set it up for a plan B and so be it. boy that felt good!

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well i had an email reply to H this morning but apparently my message didn't go through. i believe him so i resent it this morning. i guess depending on what he says i might answer his call (that's a big IF he calls) because this is just a lot of stuff to handle through emails. however, the reply he sent me didn't sound like him, i'm wondering if it was OW. which is exactly why i said what i did in the email about replying to me so that i know that the emails are not intercepted, altered, or disregarded. we'll see.......

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RR, I remember OW's writing style. It should be unmistakeable, since no doubt your WH is more articulate than she is and is at least marginally better in his spelling and grammar.

I agree with you about not stalling too much. I'm doing the same, which is also my lawyer's advice. I do not want to be stubborn or desperate. Stalling is perhaps a little undignified, and it could annoy a judge, esp. in a no-fault state. I don't see any part of this as being prideful. There is no conflict between keeping your dignity and being humble.

GC

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RR...hugs to you. I know it is not easy coming to this decision. Only you know what is right and wrong. Our WS do not want us and if that sign is clear then we need to move on. take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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GC, actually the reply was articulate and grammar was correct but it just sounded so artificial and not what my H would say. thanks for the pat on the back, the same to you. what is your current situation? it has been past 20 days since you were served.

zizzy, thanks for checking on me.


this is the reply that i just received from H about the email i had sent.

"In regards to the extra bills beside the house, take me off of your health
insurance and I will send send you half of the car insurance myself. The house
payment wouldn't be an issue if we sold it earler this summer, but prices have
gone up so I think we would get a better price now anyway. I was not intending
on abandoning the house I will maintain and continue paying utilities on the
place until it's sold. Also does this mean you are agreeing to sell the house?
If so I will start the process and will pay for appraisal and inspection
somehow. The phone bills, although they do continue to come to you, will
continue to be payed by me and as far as your cell phone bill I have continued
to pay it for you since I know your strapped financially just as I payed the
taxes. I hope this has answered most of your questions, if you have more email
me back. Thank you roughroad, WH"


this is my reply which i haven't sent yet and probably won't until the end of the day.

"Yes, the house needs to be sold. Thank you for agreeing to help with the house and for starting the process. I’m not positive that the sellar has to be the one that pays for the appraisal/inspection so I would just ask the real estate agent for clarification. Let me know what I need to do on my end and which real estate agent we will be using. We could still use Toni but we would probably have to start the process over and she will probably need to come out and see the house again and say whether or not we should make any improvements.

I don’t feel it’s necessary for me to continue to receive the phone bills since you will be the one that is paying for them. Please have the addresses changed so that the bills come to you. Please also add me to the cingular account so I can contact them for any questions and change the address so that I am the one that receives the bill.

Your half of the auto insurance will be $70. Let me know the way in which I will be receiving the money. Either a deposit to the Eglin account or by mail.

I still have concerns regarding the rest of the bills that I listed. Regardless of whether there is a house payment these are still bills that we have both accrued and will still be an issue when the house is sold, which I am confident it will.
thanks, roughroad"


clearly he is still trying to make me feel bad for not agreeing to sell the house until now. however, someone was still going to have the payment in the interim and was he going to be the one? NO!! even if he had said he would take care of it i was going to have to check and make sure because i couldn't have relied upon him to pay it because of his limited income. he continues to keep saying what all he's done during this time. whatever. i'll be interested to see what he says about the remaining bills.

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RR, that impossible email conversation about money is starting, can you see it? I still don't think you should have to go through all the mental contortions necessary to have the discussion this way.

I responded to service yesterday. My response is just a formality, but it does tell her that I have my own lawyer and will not just walk into the sparrow's lawyer's office and say, "Whatever you want is fine with me, my sweet cheatin' little sparrow bride." Today is the 30-day deadline, and as of yesterday they had not filed yet, which is a real surprise.

My response disputes one minor financial point, and disputes that the marriage is "irretrievably broken". Of course, until she actually files, the county knows nothing about this divorce. And now that she has my response, she can file it at her leisure, and the court will schedule our first case management conference. Those are typically scheduled about a month out.

I posted earlier on the loyal H thread about what happened with OM and car4love's first court appearance yesterday. He got killed. For the course of the divorce at least, the judge has given car4love full custody of their daughter and just about all of OM's money.

Con - se - quen - ces!

GC

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{{{{{{{RR}}}}}}}}

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GC, yes i know but i don't really want to go to a marital agreement before a D is filed. because once all things are agreed on then everything goes through pretty darn quick. again, he's got to be the one that files and he's got to come up w/the money to file plus take care of what else he's got going on (meaning he has to get 1500 to file for a D yet now he's moving out and doing all this other stuff). this is just my strategy to continue to apply pressure to the A, to find out where i stand, and then stand my ground. it's not like i'm going to stop paying the bills waiting for him to answer me or file for D or whatever. i know that's not what you're saying but it's really difficult for me to get a handle on everything being where i am. i don't know if you read or not but i have to find a new place to live. so i'm just going to see what his next response is to my email about the bills. if he says i can't pay anything, then fine, i'll continue to pay them and will just wait for mediation to go over who will pay for what. if he helps then great, that will help me NOW and i will just make everything official once we go to mediation.

i read what you wrote about the OM in your situation, good for you and for OMW. it aint over yet for her but looks like she's off to a good start and it's bound to affect the sparrow. what a great judge! i bet she's a minority in the way things are handled in court. i guess i don't understand how sparrow has filed for a D but yet you said "Of course, until she actually files, the county knows nothing about this divorce." what did you actually get served w/last month?


lost, thanks for the cyber hug and right back at you {{{{{{{lostnhurt}}}}}}}


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