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I need some opinions and input on the following:

To those who don’t know my story – the short version is in my signature line.

Since I’ve sent the 2nd NC and ‘closure’ letter to OM almost a year ago, he has respected my boundaries and didn’t try to contact me again. He has kept his distance and during accidental contact at work, both of us has acted distant & professional and only greeted each other briefly. We living in a small town and during one or two occasions, my H also bumped into OM. My H’s court case (unfair dismissal at work) is still in progress and during these occasions, OM talked with my H and asked him about the court case. My H said although he would prefer not talking to OM during these occasions, he was okay with it.

At the end of last year OM contacted my H by phone to buy a computer from him. My H was a computer technician & IT specialist at this company before he lost his job and last year my H started his own small computer company. My H sold a second hand computer to OM and installed it at his home. My H reassured me that he view this transaction with OM as just another business and is okay with it.

I’ve started working again last week and on Friday I bumped into OM. He greeted me and wished me compliments for the New Year. I did the same and walk away. Later that day OM popped into my office for the FIRST time since our inappropriate friendship ended and I found it very strange and unnecessary. Immediately I felt disturbed and anxious but I kept my act and handled him as cold and professional as I could. He was looking for someone in my dept (I’m the Administrator and Secretary for this dept) but I had the feeling that he was looking for an excuse to drop into my office to test my reaction. He never had any requests at my office before. After I’ve told him the person he is looking for is not around, he tried to make some small talk with me. He asked about my H’s court case and he asked me to give my H a message that he is very satisfied with the computer and interested in buying another one from him. Again, I kept it cold and professional and only answered him briefly. He then left.

As always, I informed my H about the accidental contact and OM’s behavior. My H said I handled these incidents correctly and must continue to keep it short and professional if this happens again in future. Me and my H agreed that I must not show any reaction towards OM by sending him another NC letter (since I've already done that twice in the past). We both have a feeling that OM is possibly trying to get a reaction out of me (even if it’s negative). But why now after ALL this time?

I can honestly say that although I still feel slightly anxious and uncomfortable when I bump into OM, I’m not aware of any residual or inappropriate feelings for him anymore. It is such a relief. The members who followed my story will know how hard I’ve struggled and how long it took me to overcome those feelings.

Well, this morning on my way to the office, I bumped into OM again. He was also on his way to his office. We followed the same route for a while and during that time he tried to make some small talk with me again. He asked about our holiday; where we went for the holidays; if it was a nice place to stay etc. I kept it friendly, but professional. I answered his questions briefly. I try to react the way I would with any another colleague or acquaintance.

I phoned my H today and informed him about these incidents. My H reassured me again that I handled it correctly. I’m glad my H doesn’t seem upset by these incidents and I’m also relieved that he thinks I handled these incidents correctly and appropriate, but I need to receive other opinions as well. Maybe I just need some reassurance on this. In my 2nd NC letter last year I requested OM to NOT make any conversation with me and he promised to respect that and keep his distance. He respected my request, but now it seems he is starting to try and cross my personal boundaries again. Do you also think I handled these incidents correctly?

I will appreciate any input.

Thanks,
Suzet

[ January 17, 2005, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]

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Why do you continue to work with the OM instead of seeking other employment?

Is your husband comfortable with you working with and bumping into OM?

Susan

(I quit my job working with OM years ago. It's the second best decision I ever made. The first one being to stay with my husband. [Wink] )

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Hi Suzette !

I have some questions more than advice. I don't give advice outside my own experience if I can help it !

Firstly why does OM still have such an interest in your family's progress ? To know enough to ask questions of your H about his unfair dismissal claim, and that your H might be able to supply a computer. This is amazing for an OM IMO.

Also why do you and H still give him permission to pry into your business so? Why does NC not mean NC in your case?

If OM asked me to help with his PC business or stopped me in the street to ask how my job problems were I would either damage him there and then, or at least spit in his eye and walk away.

It ALREADY hurts me that my Squid told OM intimate details about our lives, and even non intimate ones but if I felt that had continued after NC was established I don't know what I would do.

Squid, as I have written a lot, has plenty of work to do in recovery but she has asked that I cease all contact with OM GF even so that " they don't know anything more about us , ever".

Even Squid who has not yet been able to apologise to me for her affair wants not even second-hand contact with OM now. He is a boil lanced long ago.

Not advice, but read Jen ( KIWJ's) tale of last week's 'closure' meeting with OM, and how it hurt rob and all the dynamics involved in that sitch and review your own sitch again.

All blessings Suztem and good to have you back ! [Smile]

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Suzet,

I think the reason you're feeling uneasy is because you are seeing what I'm seeing...and increased effort on OM's part to increase contact. It's my feeling that your "politeness" even cold politeness is not discouraging enough to keep him from continuing. I would very much like you to nip this in the bud. The next time OM contrives to "run into" you accidently.....don't answer his casual question...don't give an indication that you're willing to idly chit chat with him. Be more direct...."OM, I'm not interested in being friends with you anymore and I'm not comfortable with your contact with my husband, even for business. Please back off."

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Suzet* Offline OP
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quote:
Originally posted by Susan:
Why do you continue to work with the OM instead of seeking other employment?

Is your husband comfortable with you working with and bumping into OM?

Susan, this thread will provide the answers on your questions. (Check my answer to 2ofakind on this thread).

Bob, I think my H isn’t very bothered with the contact because I were not involved in a serious EA and/or sexual relationship and I think he feels relatively okay with it because he can see I’m fully recovered from residual feelings. My H also have full trust in me and know that I will not allowed myself to EVER become involved in a inappropriate friendship again... He also knows that I’m not interested in becoming friends with OM ever again… Even if both me and OM were single and free I would not be interested.

[ January 17, 2005, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]

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Suzette, if its no big deal to you and your H to contact OM, why this post ?

Your H doesn't mind.
You have no feelings for OM.

yet... you articulate concerns and post them here.

If you HAD an A that risked your M you need NC to recover it. No exceptions.

If you didn't have an A that risked your M then why the worry ?

I don't understand ?

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Suzet* Offline OP
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Star*fish,

I didn’t notice you’ve also send a reply. Thanks for your insight an opinion! Possibly I’ve acted too politely and need to make my boundaries clear again with the next opportunity.

quote:
Originally posted by Bob:
Suzette, if its no big deal to you and your H to contact OM, why this post ?

Your H doesn't mind.
You have no feelings for OM.

yet... you articulate concerns and post them here.

If you HAD an A that risked your M you need NC to recover it. No exceptions.

If you didn't have an A that risked your M then why the worry ?

I don't understand ?

Bob, since I’ve shared my whole story with MB and since the members on MB helped me so much in my recovery, I feel I need to be honest and open with the members on this forum regarding contact with OM... I KNOW the importance of NC and since it seems OM try to break NC again, I feel very uneasy. Not because I still have feelings for him, but because it doesn’t feel right to have these conversations with him. I want to do the right thing…. And I validate the opinions and advice on this forum. That’s why I've send the post. If my H doesn’t mind if OM want to do business with him – it’s okay with me… As long as OM leave me alone and doesn’t use the contact with my H to establish contact with me again. I just don’t feel comfortable with it and I feel OM doesn’t respect my last NC letter. But at the same time I’m afraid a negative reaction from my side will show OM that his behavior upsets me and make me feel uneasy, and this may give him the wrong idea that I still have feelings for him. I don't want that.

Suzet

[ January 17, 2005, 08:16 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]

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You have helped me hugely Suzette and perhaps I am too simplistic or black and white.
For me this man is either an OM or an acquaintance. In my world ( and I though in MB) a friend makes the transition to OM only once and theres no way back if a M is to remain healthy.


Does this man add such irreplaceable value to your lives so you can't just backlist him ?
Also if your H was as hurt as, say, I would be by your contact would you impose NC harder ?

Shall I stop asking questions ?

[Smile]

All blessings. I'm just trying to understand a situation I have no empathy with. I learn every day on MB ! [Smile]

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Suzet:

You and H are not taking this seriously. My wife's OM is over 3000 miles away and that is not enough!

I would never engage OM in conversation or in a business transaction. The two of you are treating OM as if though he was a decent respectable person. I would never ever lower my standards, most OMs are scum and your guy is no exception. The mere fact that he constantly tries to get back in the thick of things tells me he has no regard FOR YOUR HUSAND and that he feels he still has a chance with you.

I am with Bob, it would be difficulty for me not to tell OM what a piece of trash he is and I would need someone to hold me because I may want to beat the crap out of OM.

I have been thinking about what I might do if I find out my wife and OM had contact. If the contact was initiated by my wife----------- and I am 100% sure of this I would get a divorce. If the contact was initiated by OM and my wife was an innocent bystander I would do something to OM. I think your H needs to be a little tough and not act like nothing happened by helping OM with his computer.

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Suzet* Offline OP
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Bob,

No, you don't need to stop asking questions. [Smile]

I'm knocking off from work now (already late), but I will post answers on your questions tomorrow.

Take care,
Suzet

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Suzet,

I would send that NC letter each and EVERY time that he made ANY type of contact with you.

Everytime that you engage in ANY type of conversation with him, YOU have broken your own decision of NC.

Refuse to engage in any conversation...especially those of a personal nature. If he's looking for a person...refer him to somone else.

Send that letter...each and everytime. Sooner or later he will catch on.

JMHO
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i disagree with committed. I think each time you send a no contact letter it's making a contact.

let me suggest some actions that can take the emotional separation to a higher level.

when you are walking across the building and you 'accidentally' bump into each other heading in the same direction....since you still believe in accidents, then accidentally suddenly discover that you need to tie your shoes that don't have laces. accidentally discover that you left something on your desk and have to go back for it. accidentally discover that it's the wrong time for you to be walking across the building to do what you were going to do and so you accidentally don't need to walk down the hall at the same time.

in other words all this accidental crap is just that, it's crap. there ARE no accidents there is only intention. Acknowledged and unacknowledged intentions. The power of intention is higher than the probability of accidents. There are no accidents of the heart there are only intentions.

Until your intentions are scantified take the actions and after your intentions become scantified continue to take the actions.

Choose out of the attachment to OM, choose into your attachment to your H. It's time to go to the higher level where there are no accidents only intentions. When you accidentally find yourself overflowing with devotion and love toward your H. When you accidentally find yourself unwilling to entertain any other emotional attachment accidents...that's the accident you want. [Wink]

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quote:
Originally posted by Kasey1:
i disagree with committed. I think each time you send a no contact letter it's making a contact



That would be true if he wasn't making the initial contact. He is seeking her out...for one reason or another.

If he was not contacting her...and she just up and sent the NC letter...it would be like that.

It isn't.

JMHO
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quote:
Originally posted by committedandlovingit:
That would be true if he wasn't making the initial contact. He is seeking her out...for one reason or another.

If he was not contacting her...and she just up and sent the NC letter...it would be like that.

It isn't.

JMHO
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I have yet to see the time when repeating myself to someone who was bent on not hearing me helped.

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"We followed the same route......"

Obviously the OM STILL has not respected ANYTHING.When I read about these workplace chance "meetings" I just have to shake my head.It's starting all over again.You may be in a better place Suzet but this man is not.IMO,you should not be friendly,having small talk or walking in the same direction as this guy.Frankly,I am very surprised at how you mention your H is taking all this.I would not be so gracious.This OM came between you and him and to be ok enough to give this man advice and speak with him is much more than I would ever consider,but I am not your H.

However,there's a small part of me that thinks that even though you have disclosed the meetings that this is still ok with you on some level since you were not as strict with him as you SHOULD have been.Maybe I am wrong,only you would know but I had a distinctly creepy feeling reading your post and wondered just how many more hallway/office occurrences were on the horizon.

And,if I may say so,I do not think that it would give the OM a negative imnpression if you get a little MAD at him and tell him to leave you alone,period.If I were in your shoes,there would be no question in the OM's mind that I will NOT accept anymore contact and that it is making me MAD that he is disrespecting me.If he doesn't get the message then a 100 more NC letter's will not matter.A simple but strong statement to STOP talking to you and stop coming near your office NOW and then completely ignore him.

Also,the fact that your H is giving him ANY of his time is showing this OM that he can ease his way back into your lives under false pretenses.What he is allowed to have from you he will take.Your H has to cut this guy off as much as you do.

I know we haven't seen eye to eye in the past on certain issues but those are my thoughts.

O

[ January 17, 2005, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]

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Dear Suzet*,

I would tell him very calmly "I do not wish to talk to you."

Perhaps it would be better if your H would do the same.

This present situation is giving OM the impression he CAN seek out contact.

... in my opinion.

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quote:
Originally posted by Kasey1:
quote:
Originally posted by committedandlovingit:
That would be true if he wasn't making the initial contact. He is seeking her out...for one reason or another.

If he was not contacting her...and she just up and sent the NC letter...it would be like that.

It isn't.

JMHO
committed

I have yet to see the time when repeating myself to someone who was bent on not hearing me helped.
Take it somewhere else kasey...no one is persecuting you here.

committed

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what part of "he can't hear you" do people not understand here?

how about renting an airplane and flying a banner across the sky that's an idea, or take out a full page add that will do it. how about we obcess over better communication skills and spend a couple thousand more dollars on a seminar?

gawd, people are so dense. [Mad]

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This present situation is giving OM the impression he CAN seek out contact.

Thank you....that is it in a nutshell.

THAT is why I thought that another NC letter was in order...nothing more, nothing less.

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quote:
Originally posted by committedandlovingit:
quote:
Originally posted by Kasey1:
quote:
Originally posted by committedandlovingit:
That would be true if he wasn't making the initial contact. He is seeking her out...for one reason or another.

If he was not contacting her...and she just up and sent the NC letter...it would be like that.

It isn't.

JMHO
committed

I have yet to see the time when repeating myself to someone who was bent on not hearing me helped.
Take it somewhere else kasey...no one is persecuting you here.

committed

you just illustrated my point with perfect eloquence. I never said anyone was persecuting me here. I was disagreeing with your solution. The more response to contact is given the more contact will continue. Actions speak louder than words.

let me ask you this...

how do you handle spam email?

do you reply to the senders and ask them to take you off their mailing lists?

[ January 17, 2005, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: Kasey1 ]

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