I was just responding to the what was stated in the thread from Paige about how the XW was having private phone calls with the husband, how the XW doesn't ask about Paige or H and how they are doing. To me that is pretty obvious why she doesn't.

?????

2BUSAgain,
I don't see XW contact as a big problem. I'm
not thrilled about it but I do trust my H.
He is not a serial cheater, nor am I.

Noodle- although I know the chance for problems
is greater given how my marriage started- I'm
willing to do the work to ensure that we stay
one of the rare exceptions.

Know the tainted feeling ?
I feel less happy about a marriage that could
have only happened at the price of anothers
womans pain (I'm only referring to the
circumstances of my A- not what my H could
have done differently). I worry that I will
let my guilt or that my H will let his guilt
become a wedge in our marriage. Our own dirty
little secret- some people know- most don't.
Is our marriage less a marriage- probably not -
but it's flowering will always have a tinge of
guilt to its perfume.

Actually I'm not surprised she doesn't ask about
me. But normally in conversation with someone
you would ask- how are you? or what's new?
or even ask about how work is. I just find it
odd that she doesn't ask H any of those type
questions.

I dunno, if I were XW and I WASN't over him I would definitely be asking how things were going. We all know perfectly well that things don't go smoothly ALL the time and the minute things were rocky, I could slip in there and be his shoulder to cry on and from there..... See what I mean? ! If I didn't care, I just wouldn't ask.

She may flat out not care at this point and anyway why would she anyway, she's done well for herself. KB

Good Point Knewbetter! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: 2B Us Again ]</small>

You're right- but then again it makes me wonder
why she calls at all. I know they shared 12
years together but she has a new man to share the
day to day with and that does explain why the
calls have diminshed greatly.

Do you think if I had ended the R, he had divorced his W anyway and everyone had parted ways- that my desire to apologize would appear more sincere

No question. You would have been coming from a different place, with a different motive. Right now you motive is to try to untaint your marrieage and alleviate your own guilt.

This scenerio was mine, and my apology was written to her because I literally could not get her out of my mind. I was dying with the knowledge that I had caused another woman pain. I wanted/needed her to know, that it was never her. She was not psycho, undesirable, unable to keep her man. I needed her to know that our time together (his and mine, was pure hell). I needed to bring her peace. It might also interest you to know that I never mailed it as I was never able to find an address. Even "he" doesn't know where she is now.


Pink, do yourself a favor. Forget the apology. It has no bearing. You stole her husband from her, you are not to be forgiven by her. Concentrate instead on your marriage, and that which you could become. Use this to help others. Forgive yourself and your husband, move on.
Have a great marriage and know that love conquers all. It really does. He is your husband now. Concentrate on him and not the past.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Actually I'm not surprised she doesn't ask about
me. But normally in conversation with someone
you would ask- how are you? or what's new?


But it isn't a NORMAL conversation. I can't imagine ever in my life asking my ex how OW is, and they are not married. And he is important to me still. Ex-h betrayed my marriage- but OW stole from me too. I was intimate and loving toward ex- I didn't know OW from Adam. Why would you think ex-w would ask about you??? You say you aren't surprised, then you follow it up with but normally- that's an oxymoron if you ask me.

weaver,
what happened to you and you H?

adgirl48-
not ask about me- ask about him. Ask how
he is? what's new with him? how's his work
going?

I called off our wedding and asked him to leave. We had been living together for two years at that point.

He maintains to this day he would have divorced her anyway, and maybe he would have.

But I don't trust him. I couldn't get over it.

Don't make the mistakes I (and he) did.

Find peace with it within yourself, and talk to your husband about your shame and guilt, let him talk about his. Then move on incorporating the MB principles and be happy.

The past is really an illusion you know. All you have is now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

TPP,

I really think..that you are minimizing the effect.

You are aware..that your odds are roughly less than 3% of making it..right?

If a patient is given those odds..we dust off the will just to be ready WHEN it happens, you know?

So..I'd say that if you are truly willing to take a look at the excrutiating devastation the circumstances surrounding your relationship have on even your potential future..then you will realize that a most extraordinary set of precautions are in order.

I understand the desire to "normalize"..but that has to do with denial..and if you are getting ready to deal with yourself and your participation in this affair..then denial has no place.

Have the two of you sought intense IC and MC to aid you?

If you are just trying to feel this one out on your own..I could probably stick a fork in you now and just save you the trouble <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

These issues will have to be really..embraced, and dealt with..not fleetingly acknowledged in passing [while moving on as quickly as possible].

Right now your response [and of course..that's all I have] has a bit of a "whistling past the graveyard" quality to it [with..perhaps a hint of fog..I hope I am wrong].

Example? You are not threatened by your Hs already inappropriate contact with XW because you trust him . My dear..I nearly spit a mouthfull of tea all over this screen at that. He had an affair with you . Thus far his success rate is ZERO as far as finding an acceptable approach to marital conflict.

To bring this back on topic..yes..I think an apology is in order..but any apology you can make just yet..is not complete..and it may never be. There is a particular alteration in the thought patterns of those in an affair..and it is possible, that despite having a marriage certificate, the "affair" has not ended yet. The ...quality of what you are saying to me somehow carries the addiction/fantasy element.

I really think that IC at the very least would be very helpfull..is that an option?

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Pink Paige:
<strong> adgirl48-
not ask about me- ask about him. Ask how
he is? what's new with him? how's his work
going? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok well I will give you that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How are you doing now weaver? I'm glad I found
you on the board today.
Maybe there is a reason- maybe you're here to
help me start a journey and I'm here to help you
let go of something you've been holding onto too
long?
I hope we become friends.
thepinkpaige2002@yahoo.com

Actually noodle we have been- with a licensed
counseler/church deacon.
You want to feel REALLY bad- imagine having to
confess all to a priest.
Maybe this is all hitting me because after much
counseling and going through the annulment process. Not his last M, the prior one. Believe
me I had to endure some tough questions there-
we are marrying in the Catholic Church this
weekend. Just a small service- family and
friends. This is significant for me- despite my
sin- this really means something.
And H did this for me. He, although raised
Catholic is basically an agnostic- the writing,
the confession, the hearings, the semi-public
display of our mistakes- all so I 9and my family)
could feel better about this marriage.
Funny, I'm sitting hear crying never acknowledging before now how all this has made
me feel.

How has it made you feel?

TPP, I agree with the beautiful (saw your photo today!) weaver.

As a consequence of your actions, you're in a circumstance where you have no means to earn this woman's forgiveness, and I believe that real forgiveness must be earned before it can be granted, especially when the injury is this severe.

You might have to accept, for now, that this is the way things are. No matter how redeemed you become by forgiving yourself, it is up to the person you hurt to decide if she will excuse you. I don't think now is the time to ask her for this. And she may choose instead to stay as far from you as she can.

I like analogies. I feel like you're sitting on a pile of gold you stole, and you're sorry for stealing it, and you swear you'll never do it again. And since its rightful owner doesn't want it back, you may as well keep it. Why should anyone suffer needlessly? Hasn't there been enough of that? What's the use of your soul being held captive?

I'm so sorry for this spiritual bind you've put yourself in. Thinking about how that must sometimes feel for you makes me feel awful. Makes me want to cry. But we all suffer, don't we?

At what point in everything did you begin to feel you'd done something wrong?

GC

I feel like I have done all I can do and even
done all my faith has required of me.

Yet, I still feel soiled.

If I may ask..what is your faith..and what does it require?