Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 16 of 64 1 2 14 15 16 17 18 63 64
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Quote
That's the irony-wanting OM to want me more than anything, but having no intention of leaving my world for his.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

well....

you just described "cake-eater" to a [color:"red"] T [/color] ....

Once you make the decision to go with your marriage, put your whole self into it ... or else you remain a virtual cake eater.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 275
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 275
Yes, Pepper, thanks for being blunt. I am not proud to have to admit to being a cake eater. As Gentlsoul said, "Either I'm married, or I'm not".

I have to say, though, at the point of D-day the EA was still gaining momentum and had it continued I can't say what would've happened. I probably could've been talked into about anything by OM at that point. I remember before D-day reasoning that it wasn't possible to ever be together, yet we discussed meeting. I knew in my head that something was going to have to give soon because I couldn't continue on the way it was. I was in such a "drug" induced state that I felt I wasn't functioning well in my "real" life. It was very difficult for me to keep the 2 lives separated. So, to answer your question 2B, no, we didn't ever get to the point of discussing M.

K, glad you are back and posting again. 2B & K, no, my H & I are most definitely NOT spending enough time together, but we do know that this is a problem. We are spending most of our time running kids to & from school, soccer, and other activities. We both recognize that we have failed in the area of prioritizing our M. Way back when I was in the Twins Club we were told to make sure you go on dates with your H. We didn't, as we had no one capable enough to watch our 3 babies. I will take both of your advice on this and make sure that we START by doing things together on a regular basis. We are almost to the point of leaving the kids home alone for small blocks of time - and we are so looking forward to that!

Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 317
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 317
Karegh wrote:
Quote
I know that my wife didn't feel that the love would ever come back either. I got the standard "I love you, but not in love with you" statement when the EA was out in the open.


Bingo <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Common in the fog to say, doesnt make the BS feel any better. Kind of makes them feel like being the WS's Uncle Lou or Aunt Betty.

Quote
Her and the OM didn't say 'married' from what I learned, but they absolutely believed that one day that they would 'be together', and be living together.


I think a lot of people involved in an A think it will be like that late seventies movie with Alan Alda, "same time next year". About an adulturous couple who meet once a year for a rendezvous in a cabin, but both are still married, to other people. Ah, hollywood. Thanks for that movie, and "Closer" too.

Quote
It's the SECRETS that hurt your husband as much as anything else.

Once again, Karegh is right on the money. It truly hurts more to me at being decieved than the actual PA. Not saying that part doesnt feel like a cold, steel dagger in the chest, or perhaps somewhere on the body lower.

To all, Your M can get better. Its work. Its not fun to repair at times. Its also not a fantasy world, its reality. But it is a reality worth fighting for IMHO. Its a relationship build on love, respect and commitment, not deception, lies and secrecy.

We both got a wake-up call. I see my M certainly progressing better than before the A happened. I also project that it can be better than it ever was because of a clearer understanding of each other's needs and desires. I love my W with all my heart, I am glad she chose to stay with me, not for the good of the kids, not because she had to, but she is here because she wants to be <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (At least thats how I read it, GS?)

take care

have patience and hope

beavis

Last edited by beavis; 04/19/05 08:01 PM.

She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies and all thats best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 317
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 317
Cards, here are four little words your husband would like to hear right now: " I hired a babysitter" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It is extremely important to have time for just you two, no kids. Also, when you DO go out on that date, trust me on this one, dont talk about the A, or bring up problems, just try and have fun together. Save the hard talks for another time, this is cherished time for the both of you to reconnect and see what it was that brought you two together in the first place.

I recommend a book to you called "12 hours to a great marriage" by Howard Markman, et. al.

There are chapters in it called Having Fun, Being friends, etc,etc

It might give you an additional tool to help take that first step towards reconnection and recovery.

best wishes cards

beavis


She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies and all thats best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
Quote
I was in such a "drug" induced state that I felt I wasn't functioning well in my "real" life. It was very difficult for me to keep the 2 lives separated.

So very true cards! Even if you would have continued and even got to talking about marriage, it still was a fantasy. I don't think any human can keep the 2 lives separated and keep going on with real life. It's just not possible!

As beavis said and Karegh said as well, you and your husband really need to prioritize spending time together and not talking about the A when you are spending this time together. Why not try to schedule time for this weekend? I'm in an easier situation with older teens and we have more flexiblity, but isn't your marriage worth it?

My husband has already scheduled for us to go to breakfast alone this Saturday. This is something that I truly enjoy and had talked to him weeks ago about this and that it would mean so much to me. This is the first time he is doing so, and I can't wait! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 59
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 59
Cards-

It sounds to me like you and my W were both at about the same point when d-day hit. They had gotten to the point where they were exchanging emails and IM's like crazy, they were calling each other at least once a day, and had JUST started talking about setting up a meeting face to face. (Knowing something was wrong with my wife, I'd ASSUMED that it had to be family related...and I wanted to get her away from the computer that she'd lived on for MONTHS, so I'd offered that she could take a weekend to herself to help her feel a bit better about things...sadly, the day I suggested it, she immediately started talking to the OM about using that time to meet up...what a slap in the face)

She was REALLY having trouble keeping things straight...esp since she was always wanting me to like him and become friends with him...so the three of us ended up doing things online together a lot. It was a really strange situation.

I really think the babysitter idea is WAY worth it...it was not taking "us" time that lead to all of us being in our respective situations to begin with! Now...we KNOW the need for it.

2B-

I stole your hubby's idea...just setup a brunch with my wife for this Saturday as well! LOL

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 275
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 275
Well, it's unanimous then!!! We need to go out on a date! You all agree, and I have to admit that just going out together and spending some time together sounds like a very good first step. I think we can both deal with just trying to do something fun and casual, rather than feeling pressured to meet EN's and talk about everything. Maybe that was putting the cart before the horse. I could feel myself digging my heels in when it was suggested that we start meeting the EN's for each other.

Thank you! I will make sure we have some alone time together this weekend.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Quote
I will make sure we have some alone time together this weekend.

[color:"red"] YES !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
Quote
I think we can both deal with just trying to do something fun and casual, rather than feeling pressured to meet EN's and talk about everything.

Cards, I believe as you and your husband start spending this quality one on one time together you will start to see your EN's being met. This is how I am starting to feel because as I see us placing the importance on "each other", we are caring for each other and meeting EN's.

I was also wondering if you and your husband get much time alone during the week or are your days really hectic and not allowing this to happen? My husband and I try to take the time to talk to each other alone every evening after dinner. Usually we will retreat to our bedroom and talk for 15 minutes to an hour. This really gives us a chance for us to listen to each other and focus on how our days went.

Quote by Karegh:
Quote
2B-
I stole your hubby's idea...just setup a brunch with my wife for this Saturday as well! LOL

Karegh, Glad I was able to help you for a change! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My husband had asked me about breakfast via email, which I thought was cute. I replied a big YES!

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 59
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 59
Well, it's official....LOL...I now join the ranks of the medicated. Had to take my son to the Dr last nite for an ear infection...doc looked at me, asked about the bags under my eyes, my sleep patterns, etc...our family doc knows basically what happened as my wife got her anti-depressants from him. Bottom line is that after talking with me about how I'm doing at this point, he's decided to place me on Zoloft. Sadly, instead of being relieved that something is being done about it, my wife just feels guilty that I have to take the meds.

We're going through some tougher times at the moment...lots of stress from the kids (oldest ones graduate soon, and really 'feeling their oats'), work related stress for me, and I've been down a lot more lately than I had been in the past. Keep us in your prayers please.

Hope ya'll are doing well, and I apologize for using your thread to vent, Cards. Guess I just figure that my situation doesn't really warrant it's own thread anymore.

Last thing...if ya'll haven't already (I haven't looked yet this morning), there is a new thread started by Sysyphus...I suggested he come here from another board. His situation is VERY much like mine, but his d-day was just a short time ago. Any support ya'll could provide him would probably help him alot. Thanks!

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 275
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 275
Karegh,

My heart is breaking for you. You have so selflessly given of your time and your experiences to help all of us on these threads. Your support and advice has helped ME immensely, and I know I speak for others as well. Know that YOU have helped us save our marriages. NEVER apologize for posting on this thread! I feel like we've all gotten to know each other and can talk freely about anything.

I sometimes feel guilty for all the time and energy my EA has sucked out of me, my H, and even all of you who give to help us. Even though we focus on these marital crises here, we all have other problems and issues in our lives. I hope you're not feeling bad about taking anti-d, this is a fact of life with my H and his family history.

Anyway, you are in my prayers, K. And let us support you as you have supported us. Take care!

Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
Karegh, I am sorry for what you may be going through right now. You have been such a blessing and help to me and my marriage. You have helped me see and look at things I didn't see or didn't want to see! I also do understand the stress of things as our oldest is also graduating this year...Keep us posted on how you are doing. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
Hi Cards, Just checking in on you. How are you doing today? Were you able to arrange some alone time with your husband yet?

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 275
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 275
Hi 2BN-

Thanks for asking, been wondering about you too. I see that you are forging ahead with your riddance of OM! That is great, I am happy you are able to do that! I am buoyed by your strength!

I really think I am getting there, too. I have had a pretty good week, I noticed that I actually lost track of OM W's work schedule. You see, she worked on 7 days, off 7days - the on days were when we could talk late at night in addition to during the day. I had mentally kept (and actually marked my calendar)the schedule, but didn't even realize what it was this week. Sounds like a small thing, but I see it as another piece of letting it all go.

Have barely even seen my H this week with everything going on, but I do intend to carve out at least a lunch or breakfast (using your H idea, too!) for us this weekend.

Tell me what's going on with you, 2BN!

Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
Hi Cards,
I am glad that you are starting to let go of some of the pieces as well. It seems like you and I have let go of our OM a iittle at a time. It's been tough for sure! My thoughts are not so much on the OM all the time as they were. Last week was tough and I thought of him alot, but now I see a change in what I am thinking about when he pops in my head.

This last step of changing the password on my email and the OM changing his password will be a really tough step for me!! Even the thought of it is scaring me right now! Even though we are not communicating, I can tell when he looks in my inbox and it gave me comfort to know that he still looks there. It's like I know he's still alive and I keep hanging on to this! When I change my password, that will no longer be!! I need encouragement to do this and already I feel like I can't! Any thoughts here?

I hope you and your husband make it to breakfast or lunch this weekend!

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 275
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 275

Hi 2BN-

I KNOW how hard it is to give up those little pieces. Regarding the email address & sites you have:

Quote
It's like I know he's still alive


OM & I were not sophisticated enough to know how to do all that stuff (a good thing!), but I have kept my OM name on IM and on the "friends" list of the site we met. I have not signed in to IM for weeks - much too painful to hear the tones, etc. I go to the site we met on regularly but he has never been on that site the same time as me since the final d-day. So, I have not seen any "evidence" that he is still alive. Despite him saying he will be there, I don't expect to see him ever. For me to take him off those lists is probably symbolically similar to what you are doing with the email passwords-eliminating any chance of bumping into each other or any sign of life, as you say.

Let me ask you this, 2BN, how many methods of contact with OM remain for you? I am assuming you have phone #'s, and other email addresses, right? I think our road is to slowly eliminate all those vehicles of possible contact. Maybe by defining how many of those pieces are left can help us knock them off, one by one. I know that I am blocked on OM home pc, but probably not on work pc. So in my mind emailing is not a reliable contact for me even if I would do it. My last for absolute connection is the cell phone #. I've thought of the time when I will tear up that number. It sounds so trivial, but I know the first step will be just trying to forget the number then stop having it close at hand. Piece by piece we will have the strength to do these things. Look at what you've done already. We WILL get to the point of GS feeling good about putting the memories behind us!

Last edited by cardsonly; 04/21/05 01:20 PM.
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
Cards - to answer your question about contacts. I still have his work phone #. I actually had only ever called this work # after D-Day out of deperation. I knew where he worked and asked to get his ext. number from the operator there. I never had his cell # (but I had a way to text his cell), nor did I have his home # (could look that up online). He primarily called me when we talked. Never me calling him. I have his work email address. And to add to this list...I found out his wife's IM s/n by looking it up through her email. I have checked to see if she is online at times to see any "away messages" that might tell me what may be going on. OM and I only IM'd a few times because he could not access IM at his work that easily.

Now that he deleted my contact info out of his address book in his email account, I'm assuming he got rid of all contacts for me, but obviously he does know my email address. I went ahead and deleted the contact info for him out of my address book in my email account, so the OM can see I did the same. I still have the information, but not in that account. OM would not know this though.

Oh, I thought of something else. I have saved on my favorites here another site that I found the OM posts on or looks on. I can tell when he has signed on to that site. He doesn't post very often.

OK I must sound like I am obsessed with wanting to know about the OM!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Like you said, we have to give up these things a little at a time, but it is still so very difficult!

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 547
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 547
Hi Ladies! I've been so busy at work, I'm behind on my reading and posting. Thank goodness for this site though, it has helped me so much in channeling my recovery. When I don't read and post, I start to feel kind of lost in the whole A thing.

A couple weeks ago, I was on a business trip in the Midwest. My goodness was that hard for me...harder than I imagined. It was in the Midwest I had met up with OM. I wasn't in the same city and I certainly didn't call him or anything...I was just triggering all week long. Sooooo glad that's over.

I kept e-mailing my husband and posting here on MB. It really helped. Got back from the trip, burned all the A momentos and contact info. It kinda hurt to do it, but I wanted to tell you that since it all burned, I've actually felt a whole lot better. No chance of ever seeing it again. Feels really good. Sounds like you guys are like standing on the edge of the pool wanting to dive in, but the water is cold and some might try to slowly step in so it doesn't shock you so much. Dive in. Get rid of that stuff. It's a cancer that held me back from healing. Owl was right about that.

And by the way, whomever said they just wanted to know OM is alive? They are both fine...alive and well. So, trying to keep tabs on them is just torturing yourselves. He's fine. Really. Happily married and living a good life. If he wasn't, he'd be calling you. My guess is that my OM doesn't even think about me any longer. Men get over things a whole lot faster than women. Any of this make you wonder why we are suffering so much on their behalf? It did me so I stopped.

I've had a few dreams lately of OM. Think my biz trip kind of stirred things up for me. They are gone again though and I'm glad.

Hey, the best thing I've found to combat all this? Having fun with Husband. No A talk, no EN talk. Just put it all aside and go have some fun. Every time we do that, I feel like a million bucks and it reminds me that I'm living my life and moving on.

All three of us are doing really well considering it's so early in recovery. Hope you continue to see the good in all that is happening!
Some ramblings from GS

PS - Cards, you had asked me earlier when I felt like I was out of the fog. 8 weeks was it for me. I drift sometimes back mentally, but as 2bNormal said...you'll go there when you take yourself there. In times of stress or boredom, your mind might take you there as kind of "self-medicating". You get kind of a rush, and so you kinda stay there. But, then bad feelings start up (missing him, pining, etc.). So, try not to let your mind take you there. It's totally your choice to do it. It's a conscience decision in my experience.


FWW-44 Married to DH 19 years; 2 young DDs DD & NC - New Year's Day, 2005 Together and working to recovery If ever two were one, then we; If ever a man was loved by wife, then thee.
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 317
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 317
The lovely GS wrote:
Quote
Hey, the best thing I've found to combat all this? Having fun with Husband. No A talk, no EN talk. Just put it all aside and go have some fun. Every time we do that, I feel like a million bucks and it reminds me that I'm living my life and moving on.

Aaahhh, but herein lies my own private Joseph Heller moment(Catch-22)...

If I slack off, not addressing her EN that OM was meeting, we run the risk of being once again in stasis. But the major EN that was not being met was conversation/fun. BUT, does anyone see what I am getting at here? It looks great on the surface, but I want to make sure she keeps tabs on me and our M so that EN this time around are definitely being met. But if we cant talk about them...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

beavis,

trying desperately not to be a [censored]...


She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies and all thats best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 547
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 547
And the handsome and studly Beavis makes a good point.

I didn't mean to infer we should NEVER talk about EN's, A, etc. I actually meant that SOMETIMES it's good to just have fun with our spouse and brighten our spirits without serious talks about relationship. It's an investment in making us feel good about our H's, instead of OM.

GS


FWW-44 Married to DH 19 years; 2 young DDs DD & NC - New Year's Day, 2005 Together and working to recovery If ever two were one, then we; If ever a man was loved by wife, then thee.
Page 16 of 64 1 2 14 15 16 17 18 63 64

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5