I can admit though that the previous OM HAD intentions of more than just friendship with me...but that A started so differently and I really should have seen that one coming. Someone just doesn't write you out of the blue after 24 years for nothing right?! He had intentions, but I WAS NAIVE to it at the time.

I guess because I have the 2 A's to compare, I see how each one started differently and that the original intent of each OM was different.

Owl,

I have a question. Since your wife's EA was a year ago and you two have pretty much recovered from the EA, does it still help you to come on the MB and help us WS? Do you think it keeps the EA more fresh in your mind? Does it help you recover from the EA? I don't know how BS's deal with this after recovery has begun. I know my H says he's not angry about my A anymore or at OM. He just wants to work on the problems in the M and on proving to me that he has changed himself.

How long did it take your wife to recommit to the M? I know her EA was a lot shorter than mine and I'm trying, but still not there yet.

-win

Win-

Good questions...something I've asked myself a few times as well.

We're really pretty much recovered. We still use MC, but more to help deal with issues than anything else. In truth, if we'd started MC BEFORE the A, it might have avoided the whole thing. So in my mind, continuing MC isn't tied to the A or to recovery itself.

My coming here now doesn't pertain as much to recovery either. I think that I am (for the most part) recovered as well. I still have the occasional bad day, we still have the occasional misunderstanding about something said related back to the EA, but overall it's not part of our lives anymore. And I wonder sometimes if coming here is UNhealthy for me...if it keeps it fresher in my mind somehow. But since I'm NOT feeling bothered by what happened anymore, I don't really think that coming here is an issue anymore.

It took my wife a bit over a month to recommit to our marriage. And that wasn't a "I know we can do it" thing...that was the "I think we can try" timeframe. But again, my wife NEVER does things halfway. When she decided to try...she put all of her effort into doing it. I can't say that she made healing ME a priority, but she did put the effort needed into working on US, and that was what made the difference. Hope that helps Win.
As I think I've mentioned in the past, coming here DOES help me in one aspect. I think that I've found a new 'spiritual gift' through what's happened. I've always had the ability to empathize with someone, to understand what they're feeling and why, to put myself in their shoes emotionally. And having gone through all of this, I feel like I can occasionally help others see things that they need to see in order to heal. I HOPE that my being here has helped some of you in some way...not because I want any glory for it, or feel like I have really done anything. But I guess I'd like to think that maybe the pain I went through can be used to help others deal with their own issues a little easier. It helped me to have someone who'd dealt with infidelity talk with me when I was really in the thick of things.

Well we all appreciate you coming here! And yes it has helped me. I'm no where near healed but it does help to have people to talk to who have been through it. It's been such a struggle for me and still is. I don't know if it has to do with the length of my EA or what. I know that because it was a year that it may take longer for me to withdrawal and be able to think clearly. And because this is a big trigger week from a year ago when my H went away and things really heated up with OM, it makes it harder. But I do feel like I'm moving forward in baby steps. And I do realize that I have to at least give H a chance to change, and if we can't work through things I need to move on. BUT OM has to be out of the picture either way. Breaks my heart to admit that, and thank god HE's the one who doesn't really want any more contact, or it would have taken me longer to get here.

Also, my H doesn't seem to want to talk about the A. I don't know if thats because he was sorta involved in it so it wasn't totally in the dark for him or what. Not that I really want to talk to him about it, I just wonder if its strange. Better for us to focus more on the M than the OM.

-win

Well Owl old buddy, whatever your reasons for being here, I for one am eternally indebted to you. You more than anyone got me through those early days and are still helping me to keep to the path. You are my example. It's odd how similar our situations were. Unlike a few of you, I'm not a partucularly religious person -spiritual perhaps, but not in any specific faith. That said, when people com into your life at a time when you really need them, it makes me wonder sometimes if there isn't something greater at work. Whatever the reason be it luck or providence, I am grateful.

Well Sys, I've got to tell you that for MANY years, I was much like you. I was spiritual, but wasn't sure what exactly I believed in. And things happened in my life that SHOWED me that there is another hand in things...I don't doubt God's existence one little bit anymore.

And I KNOW that God had a hand in healing my marriage. There were too many things that worked out EXACTLY like they needed to for us to recover for me to think that it was just chance. I'm a techie-guy...I can do probability calculations reasonably well, and I'll tell ya, the odds were definitely stacked against me. But look where I landed.

I would like to think that I'm here because it's where God wants me to be. And who knows, perhaps you'll get the chance to SEE God's hand in your situation and life as well through all of this.

Just a suggestion to you, and I sincerely hope that I don't offend you with this...but why not pray about your situation?? All I asked for on my behalf when we were going through the worst of it was that God work His will in what we were going through. I never asked Him to make her stay. All I asked was that He work the whole situation our according to His plan for us. Look at it this way...what have you got to lose? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well Owl, truth be told I have prayed a bit -always have when things looked tough. I have no qualms about it and take no offense. Hell, I've got my wife's friend (the one who has been so good to her through this) praying for me and us, why shouldn't I?

Like you, I've seen things happen here that I can't really explain. Want a weird list? A month before D-Day, I had a dream W was leaving me for OM -was this precient, a message ,or just something my sub-conscious mind perceived that I couldn't? I found out about the A because of a bizzare software glitch that logged her AIM in on another machine while I was there and could see their conversation. Her EQ guild fell apart while she was leader and subsequently impelled her to leave the guild -thus one more connection to OM was lost. Most importantly, I felt genuinely transformed after D-Day, all the anger and frustration I was feeling that made me so awful to live with melted away. I know this expereince will make me a better husband ,a better father and a better person. It has put my priorities in order. I don't know yet if I will be happier in the short term, but in many ways, this event has given me and our marriage a chance to begin again. Divine intervention? Who knows, but I do feel lucky in many ways.

Owl - Just wanted to add that I too am very appreciative of you being on this forum. You have been a tremedous help and have helped me see things when I couldn't. You definately have a gift and many of us are blessed to have you here!

Being a Christian as well, I can see God's hand in many things of how things happened with the A. I don't view anything as just coincidence or luck. God has a hand in all of it. I made so many wrong choices and I could feel God trying to call me back to Him, but I chose to turn the other direction. A few things for me....after I said good-bye to the first OM, that very weekend in church the message was on Repentance. That is not coincidence! I also feel that God prevented the OM and I from meeting by the emails being exposed to the OM's W. I truly feel the exposure of the A happened at the 'right time'. The day prior to exposure, I was sure I would fly to meet the OM, yet I knew it was wrong. Also about a month before D-Day, the OM had a very vivid dream that Satan was trying to snatch him away. He NEVER remembered any dreams, but this one was so vivid to him. At that point, we knew we had to stop, but we were still too weak. That is why I feel God had the A exposed at the right time.

There is so much more...I could write a book on it! But, those are a few points. I also see how God is repairing and healing our M and changing my heart as well as my H's heart. We have a ways to go, but my trust has to be in God.

I have a question for Owl or Sys...or anyone that wants to answer here.

I told my H last night that I still have struggles with thoughts of the OM at times. I don't have bad thoughts but just that I think of him at times and everytime I first get on the computer at work, my thoughts go there because those were my first thoughts for months and months when I was communicating with the OM. My H felt bad that I still think of the OM and possibly struggle with wanting to talk to the OM at times.

I can't really remember how this conversation started, but I told my H I was being honest. Should I NOT be honest? I don't often say these things, but sometimes it really bothers me that I still cannot "not think" of the OM and that is what I was trying to communicate to my H. I suppose I wanted my H to help me and understand, but there is no way he can understand. My H feels...why would I struggle with thoughts of someone who tried to destroy our M???

Any thoughts here?

Well, your husband doesn't want to realize just how serious the attachment you had to OM was. It's VERY VERY painful to consider how we were 'replaced' in our wive's hearts and minds. I don't think I can communicate to you just how much that hurts to think about.

But, all I could suggest you tell your H is that OM was a major part of your life during that time...and that changing thought patterns and habits takes hard work and time to accomplish...you're doing the work, but it's still going to take having him removed from your life for a length of time for those thought patterns to change. It sucks, but there's no other way around it.

What YOU can to help yourself with this is to start 'channeling' your thoughts when this happens...whenever OM comes to mind, DELIBERATLY MAKE yourself think of someone/something else. Something totally unrelated to OM and how you felt for him. And practice that everytime it happens. You'll find that it reduces how much time he's in your mind, and that will help reduce how often it happens.

Hope maybe that helps you.

Yeah, it's brutal to hear that. But I want to hear that. It was only last week that my W could tell me that it was a daily struggle for her not to contact him, that she was really working hard. If she didn't tell me, all I could do was ask and assume that when she said that she wasn't in contact, that she was telling the truth. Hearing that it's hard, hearing that she's working through it is an act of openess and honesty that I depserately need. I don't think my W quite understands why it's important to me, but it means so much, even if I don't like what she tells me.

The thing that hurts more than anything is the knowledge that she betrayed and lied to me. By being open and honest now, I can begin to feel like we are making progress. It's an act of good faith on her part to tell me these things. I know it's not easy for her to do, but as time goes on, and I respond in a positive , supportive way, it seems to get easier. We can't continue to move forward by sweeping unpleasant thoughts and feelings under the carpet.

Thanks Owl - I know it hurts my H and it is painful for him to hear these things. He had expected all thoughts/struggles to be gone. He asked me this morning to turn the situation around to think how would I feel if he was still stuggling with thoughts of an OW. It does help me put it in perspective. But that being said, I did tell my H that it will take time and that it was a daily habit to have my focus on the OM when I was going through the A. He hates the idea that he feels that he has to wait it out while I "get over" everything. I don't know how to respond to that because there is no other way of "getting over it" except through time. Things are better for the most part, but there is still that thought everyday when I first get on the computer.

I have tried to channel my thoughts else where...like going straight to read a devotional online when I first get on the computer. I know this will take time and if I think back to D-Day there has been great progress.

Sys - I guess my H is different, because even though he wants me to be honest, he didn't seem to want to hear that I still have struggles at times. I assured him that I have not struggled so much in that I have this NEED to contact the OM, but that I still have thoughts at times of the OM. I'm just not sure if it's better "for us" for me to keep it all inside and not tell my H. I want to be honest with him in the hopes that he can help me through this, but if it upsets him, I don't see how he can help me?

Well, you may need to remind your husband that being honest means BEING HONEST...it doesn't mean telling him just what he wants to hear.

There were a lot of things that my wife told me after her EA that hurt me like he!!, but one of the few things I did RIGHT was to be honest about how it made me feel, but NOT make her feel like CRAP for being honest with me about it. I let her know that I needed the truth, regardless of how it made me feel, and I wanted her to know that she COULD be honest with me, and not have to worry that I was going to make her regret her honesty.

It sounds like your H may need to work on that area a bit himself.

It's a tricky thing. For my part, I want my W to come to me for support. I realize that it is precisely that that she had turned to the OM for and I desperately want to reclaim that, no matter how icky. Sounds like your H would just as soon forgive and forget and not be reminded. I hate thinking of the OM, hate knowing that my W still thinks of him and that the pull is still strong, but if I can do anything to help her and to give her strength, I see that as being in my best interest.

Maybe your H doesn't understand that, or maybe he's just a different person than I am. It seems to me that keeping it in is ultimately not a good thing. But if it upsets him, or leads to conflict, I'd suggest finding an alternate confessor (an appropriate one)until he can help you.

It's hard to ask for support when he does make me feel bad that I shouldn't be having these thoughts/triggers/struggles at times. He doesn't like to hear it and I know it hurts him, but I don't like to hold it in either. If I'm struggling on a particular day I would like to be able to talk about it with him. I don't talk about it every day, but if one day particularly hits me hard, I would like to be able to talk about it without being made to feel bad about it. Is that an unreasonable thing to ask?

Also, maybe my situation is different in that he has heard so much with having 2 A's back to back instead of just one to deal with. I have no thoughts or triggers of the first OM and am just left to sort out my feelings of the most recent OM.

Ok I guess you guys are on the east coast because there's tons of posts before I get up!

My H is struggling with this as well. He wants me to be honest but doesn't always want to hear that I'm thinking or dwelling on OM. He gets very upset when I'm depressed and takes it personally when it is usually just me thinking about OM. I keep reminding him that its mostly OM that is making me feel sad. But I have a hard time wanting to or going in to detail about what I'm feeling or thinking. It just feels very personal to me, or maybe it's just weird to talk to your H about how much you miss OM!

2BN-

I think that the fact that you've had multiple A's is something that changes a lot of the factors in your situation too.

I really can't imagine myself in your H's position. I've had that normal fear that my wife could restart her EA with this OM, or 'fall' into another one with someone else...I think that most BS's have that. And I've got to be honest...at this point, after what I went through on this one, if it happened again I think that I would cut my losses and walk away myself. I can't imagine going through this again. So I can only guess that your H is feeling pretty shell shocked from all that you two have been through. It says a LOT about him that he's still there with you.

All I can recommend is the same thing I've suggested all this time....keep the communication open, and seriously consider finding a MC that would allow the two of you to talk in a nuetral environment. It seems to me that it would help BOTH of you to have someone help guide your discussions and keep either of you from making the other feel attacked or afraid to be honest.

Win-

My wife felt similar to you while she was still in the withdrawl...she felt like letting me help her 'get over' her OM was a betrayal to HIM.

But...once she started to let me do that, she was amazed at how much it helped her to have someone who loved her and would try to help her however they could to talk with....and that was ME!

BTW...today marks another anniversary for me...today is the one year anniversary of the day my wife decided to give 'us' a try again!

Owl - Well, my H told me today that if I can't control my struggles, he fears that I will have another A. I don't feel my struggles/thoughts with the OM at this point would lead to another A. He also said if it happens again, he will leave. He said this prior to this most recent OM, but now he says he means it. He simply could not deal with it again, and I can understand that.

I can see your point about MC too Owl. It's something to bring up again. We are leaving for a family vacation in a little less than 2 weeks and hopefully we will have some good memories to dwell on. However, he did say that I BETTER NOT RUIN the vacation with mentioning ANYTHING about the OM on our trip...no thoughts, no triggers...say nothing. I can understand that and I will respect that. I will concentrate on us and our family.