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Kandi, followed your story from afar, sheesh, who hasn't.

I just want to say, yes this may be wrong, but I don't blame you one little bit. Sorry to those who don't agree, but I'll stand here and take the "blasting" with her.

The way I see it, Ed has burned all of his chances. If he won you back how long would it be before he left again? Its all crap, you've been through ENOUGH!


Moving on, is a simple thing, It's what you leave behind that's hard. - Dave Mustaine
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Be careful, go slow, let the ants have Ed... - Dru


ROFLMAO!!!! Amen!


Moving on, is a simple thing, It's what you leave behind that's hard. - Dave Mustaine
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I'm sorry - it seems like you are putting Kandi on the same level as Ed - Ed who cheated and broke up their marriage - Ed who had another child while still married??? There is no way that what she is doing should be remotely compared to what Ed did.

Kandi - it might not be the "right" thing to do but if it is a good thing for you then I hope you are happy. I know after my divorce I found someone who treats me so wonderful and makes me feel so good about myself and it has helped me tremendously - yes I waited until I was divorced but let me tell you if he had shown up before I was I would have jumped at the chance to date him.

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Kandi, I would like nothing more than to see you happy and joyful and enjoying a new relationship with a wonderful man who deserves YOU.

I am just sore afraid that putting the cart before the horse will make a nasty, bumpy ride that you can't see right now for the blinders on your eyes.

I think, too, you've gypped yourself in being able to say that while Ed did everything disgusting and immoral that you held the high ground. I am not sure that you realize how much comfort that would have given you in your new life. Now it is meaningless, see?

Another thought: does your mom know about your new man? If not, I think you really have to think about your objectivity that what you are doing is really ok in your mind. It probably isn't. But d*mn if it doesn't feel so good!!!

I'm not judging you or meaning to bring you hurt or harm with my remarks. I hope you know that. You know the score. I just hope you can live with it.

~ Snow

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This is so different...call it what you like! however, I only feel love and compassion for this man...He makes me feel good...

((MF4M))

This kind of jumped out at me. I ain't here to throw any rocks in your parade but I'll offer some of my experience and that statement is one of the most "Fogged" out statements I've ever heard and to be honest I've heard it a million times around addicts. With that, let me just offer the following that I offered on another thread.

Substituting another partner for the emptiness left by the end of your marriage. This almost always leads to atleast one person getting their heart broken. And when that substitute falls by the wayside, guess what, now instead of only grieving the loss of your marriage, you are also left to grieve the loss of the new relationship.

One of the major reasons it is said to wait is because shortly after a break-up and until you've healed, typically you are not in a "healthy" mental state. Therefore, what you see as a healthy relationship is relative to where you are at in the healing process. So entering into what you believe to be a great relationship too soon, will be looked upon very differently as you continue through the process.

I've been on this site long enough to watch many people continue to hurt themselves and others by venturing out too early. I've heard people say "I'm in the heathiest relationship I've ever been in" when dating too early, which may be true, but again once they did heal and looked at that relationship through healthy eye's, they were amazed at what they were settling for....


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

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happyfinally...I agree with you that Kandi meeting this man is nothing like Ed's affair!!!! She has been forced to move on and she is. I'm happy for her too. Ed made the decision to leave and "find" his happiness so now it's her turn to be happy!!!!!
I wish you the best Kandi!!!!!


Me 35
STBX 39
Dear son 9
Married...15 years (Jan. 20, 1990)
D-Day July 20, 2004.
Divorcing!

What goes around comes around

Sometimes we have to hold our head high, blink back the tears and say GOOD-BYE
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Therefore, what you see as a healthy relationship is relative to where you are at in the healing process.

Amen and Amen. This is what scares me Kandi. Compared to the Ed of the last 18 months even Satan might seem like a good deal for a new partner!!!

Think this relationship through and maybe take a few steps back for now.

~ Snow

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You know I have thought this thru long and hard...I did not go out and FIND this man...good grief people!


Going out on dates is looking.

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My feelings for Ed have been over for a very long time...there is NOTHING there anymore..I love him, but only as the father of my children...I will always have feelings for him...we were married for 13 years...


I wish you had done an awesome Plan B and protected your love bank instead of engaging more in the drama. A part of me wonders if you had really detached from the situation rather than try to control or manipulate it, well, you might have been able to bring true conclusion to a marraige without the confusion or high of new love.

It was your responsibilty to protect your love bank through the entire duration of your marraige.

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It seems like you could argue the morality point to death. Isn't that between her and God one day?
The point I want to make is that you have a lot of healing to do. You have grieving to do when the marriage is finally over for good--when the hope is completely gone.
Your confusion is unfair to the OM. Starting a relationship in that frame of mind will probably guarantee its doom, don't you think?
You stand to grow more as a person on your own. I am here to tell you that carrying over unhealed pain will come back to haunt you.
In a perfect world, you will take time for YOU. You will get to know yourself again as YOU--not a part of a couple. YOu will learn to love yourself and respect yourself again. But, this isn't a perfect world. YOu have a choice to make and you should feel free to make it. Just don't let it be because it is a scary world out there, and you are afraid to go it alone.

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Hi, M23B.

You have been through the ringer and played out your last bit of rope until it burned your fingers as you hung on.

Ed is remorseful bc it is CLEAR you are no longer pining in the wings, hoping and praying he will come back - you are no longer his sure thing/back up and he has panicked.

AND like all the literature supports, a little time with the wacko parasite and <BAM!> Suddenly YOU look like the attractive alternative - ESPECIALLY since you're no longer a sure thing!

Me, I think you waited to long on a trecherous, highly self-centered, viciously uncaring, cruel and heartless man. (Should I get off the fence here?) You have given plenty in that regard and none other is warrented, either ethically or morally (I full expect to get whacked for that one)

But I also fulla agree with a few others: despite the fact that you are empty and need attention and affection desperately - in all truth, a little time of true healing - of self-reliance and self-fullfillment - of truely finding yourself and your center.... These will make you the best catch possible AND make whoever you eventually bond with consider you all that more valuable a find!

....who said the comment about even SATAN looking good after Ed??? rotflmao. But really, it's true. Keep that little tidbit in the back of your head, OK?

I will be callous here : F*** Ed.

Restarting


Restarting
me: FWS/BS, 46 ~ 8w7
him: FBS/WS, 45 ~ 2w3(probably)
M-24y 0329, DDay: Sep 8 2004-2:10p
Last C: 3/25/04 - (that I know of....)UPDATED: 6/4/05 - saw her at jail when she got out, & she called again --- H was asked to leave
6/25/05 - H moves back and recovery begins
3/06 - DD2 - I confess all to H; true recovery begins
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Restarting, with that last comment I must say you are my new hero. You had the stones to say what I only wish I had. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Moving on, is a simple thing, It's what you leave behind that's hard. - Dave Mustaine
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Kandi, Glad you're still reading....

I don’t know if you’re familiar with Dr. Harley’s book Give & Take. It’s his roadmap for having successful relationships. Of course it’s intended for couples; but I have found the principles apply in ALL important relationships.

The concepts in this book are so simple & profound I think it should be required reading for everyone!! (I mean simple – not necessarily easy!)

I’ve taken some parts out of chapter 3 which deal with dating. My wish for you is that you have your eyes wide open as you move forward to your future – this excerpt just gives you an idea of what goes on internally during the dating process.

Give & Take – Page 30 &31 – Edited

Your Shortsighted GIVER & TAKER

It’s tempting to consider the GIVER as our loving and caring nature and the TAKER as our hating and thoughtless nature. But that’s not what they are. Actually, both of them are caring: Your GIVER cares for others, and your TAKER cares for you.

As with many couples, GIVERS are in charge during courtship.

During most successful and extended dating experiences, the partners are reaching out to meet each other’s needs. Selfish desires are regularly overruled in an effort to be thoughtful. Both people are on their best behavior, because they want the relationship to succeed. They’re willing to sacrifice their own interests in order to be more appealing to the other.

It’s as if there’s a meeting in your mind:

TAKER: Hey, there’s someone who could meet my needs. I think I’ll introduce myself. Wait a minute! This is too good to botch. I think I need some help on this one. GIVER, why don’t you introduce yourself?

GIVER: Why should I? That person doesn’t need anything from me. I’d rather help someone in need.

TAKER: Who knows, maybe that person needs something you have to offer. Wouldn’t hurt to ask, would it?

GIVER: Okay, I’ll see if I can help that person.

From that moment on, we tend to put our GIVERS in charge of developing the relationship, recognizing that our TAKERS’ self-centeredness is likely to ruin things. And our GIVERS are usually effective in making the other person happy.

And this is the part that makes it all work: If the one you’re dating does the same thing, putting the GIVER in charge of each encounter, you end up being happy, too. Your TAKER is satisfied with the arrangement, because your GIVER’S care is being reciprocated. There’s no need for your TAKER to meddle. You’re as happy as you’ve ever been.

End of book quote – This entire book talks about GIVERS & TAKERS; why we can’t live indefinitely with our GIVER in charge.

K, especially in your case it’s been so long since you’ve had someone to meet your needs - your TAKER is in control; and honestly I can’t judge your TAKER for doing her job. The problem is that with your TAKER running your show – your setting yourself up for problems down the road. It’s why those of us who care about you are posting.

Honestly, I don’t think I could have done as well as you have with all you have on your plate. And it’s also why I post this – I don’t want to see you suffering more down the road. Get a hold of this book and become knowledgeable about GIVERS & TAKERS. Then at least you’ll know why you’re doing what you’re doing and the blinders are off.

Also, your TAKER has to be happy that Ed knows about this other man & he’s now competing for you. And I think it’s the TAKER who enjoys all the drama – and this new guy certainly ups the drama to a new level!


"The actions you speak are louder than your words!"
Author unknown

"Miracles are seen in light."
From "A Course In Miracles".
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My feelings for Ed have been over for a very long time...there is NOTHING there anymore

If that is the case, then why do you say you are undecided and why were you so upset when he said he wanted you back. Are you sure you don't wish you were over him? It sounds to me (sometimes) that you are talking yourself into thinking you are done. That does not mean you take Ed back. I just think you need to work out your feelings about Ed and your M before you start something new with someone else. You need to become strong within yourself, so you do not need any man, but you choose to be with him.

Let's assume this man is really "the one", but the timing is the only issue. What if the turmoil and pain that you have been through with Ed poisons and destroys what you have with this man? You need to work on you. If this man is the right man, then he can wait until you do the work on yourself. If he is the one, you need to be the best you that you can be, so this relationship has the chance it deserves.

I do agree with MM. You are making a lot of rationalizations for your behavior. Just as any WS does. You are not entirely done with this M, or Ed wanting to come back would not have sent you into such a tailspin.


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He makes me feel good...Ed cant do that to me...never has done that to me...


This sounds like a bit a rewriting of marital history. I am sure he made you feel good at some point or you would not have married him.

You do not want to stop because it feels good. That is exactly what WS feel and why it is such an addiction. You do not want to stop, so you are making rationalizations for what you are doing. Own what you are doing if you choose to not stop, do not rationalize it. Ed did not want the M when you wanted to save it. Now, you are not sure you want the M and Ed wants (for now) to save it. Both of you are still married. So, though you have not "hidden" any of this from anyone, does not make it anymore OK. You are at a point that you do not want to fight for the M because you feel you are done. Well, that is no different than what Ed felt.

I know you have been through torture and heartache. But, I do not believe you are over Ed. You need to work through all the pain of your M. And, mourning it if you do divorce. You have a lot of baggage and you need to work on you and what got you here. And, until you do, any relationship you have is going to be doomed to fail.

What if this does not work out with this OM? Are you ever going to look back at this time and wish you had explored this chance with Ed? This may finally what gets his head on straight-- the fear of losing you. You will never know. You can't just up and take him back because it has not worked in the past. It would have to be done in a very specific way, with boundaries and expectations to be followed. It would need to be done very slowly. Anyway, it does not mean you have to take him back, it does not mean you don't even divorce him. But, you have to look into your heart and know that you are OK with giving this chance up. How can you really give it the thought and introspection it deserves if this OM is clouding your thoughts? I do not think you are over your marriage yet, IMHO. I just do not want you to look back with regret. Only you can determine this.

Continue to Plan B until your love is gone or you are able to start recovery. Or, get divorced first, wait 6 mos.-1 year and work on you. If the OM is still around (and you still think he is worth having), than explore that relationship when you are healthier and have stood on your own two feet for a while.

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I think this thread is a prime example of the "shift in values" that a person takes when becoming an adulterer.

It doesn't happen over night. It's a slow change of a from a value system based on integrity, to one based on entitlement.

This is how the aliens take over folks. The change is slow, and no one notices, until one morning you wake up and the WS is babbling in a language system you no longer understand.


~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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I was among the first to respond to this thread. I've had the better part of a day to think about and read everyone else's posts. I started thinking about something my Auntie told me.

My aunt found out about my WH about 6 weeks ago. Although I don't know what took so long, she talks to my mom every day. She called and talked to me for almost an hour. Her biggest concern was that I would "do something foolish" before things were worked out between WH and I. 80 year old ladies don't talk about dating and sex but she came close. Auntie is the Avon mogul and pillar of her neighborhood. She knows everything that's going on. She said that whenever she's seen a woman involved with another man before her divorce is final, it's often gets ugly.

I take my auntie's advice to heart. She was married to an alcoholic for 40 years, supported her family at a time when most women didn't, lives in a neighborhood that some people don't even want to drive through and has still triumphed.

Kandi, you have 6 weeks or so to wait until your D is final. In the grand scheme of life, that's not long too to wait. The biggest thing is closure. It's not only earning your way out of a marriage but it's also tying up all the loose ends.

Have you crossed all your t's and dotted all your i's and are truly ready to move on?


Grapes are versatile. Grapes can be sour, sweet, sublime as wine and fabulous even when old and dried out.

Me: BS
XCH: Clueless
2-DS: Bigger than me
1-DD: Now also bigger than me!

5/6: Personally served CH with divorce papers
6/6: CH F? wants to time to see if M can be saved
7/6: FCH reenters our lives to work on marriage but secretly signs papers to start divorce...what's that about?
Mediation set for November
Final dissolution in January 2007.
2008 and beyond: Life goes on...
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Hm... might Ed read this?
(That possibility makes me write down just a few thoughts... and also makes me read your words differently, i.e. 'reading between lines', I guess... and no other way to tell you...)

Revenge is the best if served cold
and it's still very hot...
And playing games bring just temporary "solutions"... if, at all...
180 degree most of times work, but not if you really (really) are not ready within yourself to be what you just act like...

This is no the road to happiness...
And, IMO, you are not there where you want to be, you just force youself to be there... and I understand, the pain is great and everything is better then being there... but you get rid of pain going through it, not 'convincing' yourself you are over...

And... I do wish I were wrong...


I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
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PS: Please let me know you read it... to delete/change it... :-)


I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
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Good grief. How can this be infidelity??!! I guess under the strickest defintions but really, good lord. We are living in a new century and it doesn't sound like you were sneaking around or hiding it. And besides hasn't your husband gone back and forth many times only to let you down again repeatedly??!! Lighten up folks.

I have only read the first posts on this thread but got to say--take care of you and those kids and if you are dating a nice man--good for you. Doesn't mean he will be everything and rebound relationships and---blah blah blah---I am sure you have heard it all. Might not be the wisest relationship but if it keeps you from going back to someone who continually hurts you, go for it. Maybe this is your declaration of freedom from being hurt over and over again.

Just had to throw my support behind you Kandee.

Tiggy


Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.

The Velveteen Rabbit on becoming Real
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