Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5


WH (after 1 year legal seperation) B: 09/1976 M: 06/1997 Legally Seperated: 07/2004 Wife moved back in 08/21/2005 vacilating between withdrawal and conflict
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,710
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,710
a1,

Don't have time to really go through your latest post in-depth. I have to watch a movie w/the kiddies. I need to spend some quality time w/them too. LOL I'm glad my post helped you in some way. Another similarity - my H's OW was 21 too (10 yrs his younger)! But, I won't let that cloud my judgment of your sitch, promise!!! LOL

Let me know how Skeleton Key is. I've wanted to see that movie too. Have fun!

PS - Although I'm a very spiritual person & usually post from a Christian perspective, since you're an Atheist, I'll try not to bring God into the conversations if this upsets you. Just let me know.


RBW (me) FWH lostboyz
Married for 16 years
DDay on 10/10/03
Reconciliation on 2/8/04
Son 17, Twin son & daughter 16
4 years of a strong recovery
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
“””This my thread about me.”””

You are correct and you have power in this marriage and seriously I’m trying to help you find that, you may view that as a personal attack or whatever. But let me tell you something, your marriage was broke. It took both you and your wife’s best thinking to get it to that broken area, as you said you both shouldered some of the responsibility. So if you go back into it yielding the same broken tools, the some broken marriage will result. So if asking you to look at your communication skills is viewed by you as an insult, I’m sorry that you take it that way rather than being open to the possibility that maybe you have an opportunity for growth.

“””This is my thread about helping me, if you don't want to help or don't want to learn from my experience then go to another thread.”””

Is that implying that you possibly couldn’t learn anything from my experience? Because that is what I take from what you’ve said. You know help comes in many forms and not all of it is wrapped up nice and neat in a little package.

”””I don't have time to worry about some complete strangers feelings when I am trying to get through this situation.”””

I feel you on that but if this is truly how you normally interact then is it possible that at times when talking to your wife that you don’t take the time to worry about her feelings?

”””Get over it if you got offended by my message about your age or others.”””

Again, it’s not that you’ve offended me that concerns me. My focus in those statements lays directly on your communication style.

“””Overly sensitive group here.”””

I mean look at this. Is this how you talk when you have conflict with your wife? Do you through in a little jab at the end to get the last word? If so, how’s that working for you?

“””Okay so I am confused, Faith is he your ex or your current husband? Please clarify.”””

As for FaithHopeLove04, we recently got married.

You know, whether it was an affair, adultery, or cheating, I’m not going to address that because I feel some of that boils down to core beliefs. Our beliefs are obviously different, but I will say that in your example, the last sentence on #3 is very telling to me.

“””I am willing to try as long as I don't have to sacrifice myself to do it.”””

I don’t think you’ll find anyone here who would ask you to do so but we and I do challenge you to continue to work on yourself. Again, your marriage didn’t get to the place it got because 2 emotionally healthy people were just bored with each other. You both had some character flaws that led you down the winding path. To me, that’s where your power awaits you.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 82
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 82
Gosh! I can certainately relate to your feelings of loss. I relate to your desire to push your feelings aside and move on just so you can stop thinking of the loss, the mistakes, the hurt. It is awful to think that you were given EVERYTHING on paper that you needed to achieve success, and you messed it up. You failed. You convince yourself that you are able to move on. But, you know what? With or without her, you CAN'T move on until you work through it--until you forgive and you reconcile what you have done to eachother. I actually totally agree with what faithhope.. says. Your W has been a jerk. You can SOUND like a jerk. But you are not talking about your FEELINGS. You are not confronting how sad she made you. You just want a solution, you want it to be over. I am the same way! You are intellectualizing everything and speak without emotion. You are analytical and practical. You don't want to sit around and whine and have some therapist LISTEN to you. You want a therapist to tell you what to DO. Don't get "freaked out" by us telling you to read the MB stuff. Honestly, once I read about the emotional need stuff, I was hopeful that for the first time, there was a solution. Have you read any of it yet? I have hope for your M. You have a shot at turning the M and the experience into a real success story. I really hope your W is remorseful. I hope that she will begin to concentrate on how she has hurt you and your M. I hope that you can learn to trust her again with your heart. Personally, I think that there should be no secrets. I know that you said you "don't care" what she did with OM. I don't think that is right. I think that secrets come back to haunt you. I think that she needs to confess what she did and to express remorse and sorrow to you. I think that you need to face your hurts and feel the pain before you CAN move on. Otherwise, you act on those buried emotions either by keeping your heart partially shut off b/c you don't trust, or whatever. Am I making any sense, a1?

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 82
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 82
I just reread your email to your W more carefully. It is beautiful. You are great at writing how you are thinking. I think that there is an underlying message of hope. You are afraid to feel with her now, and that is understandable. Hopefully, you have lost the old relationship. I really think that you will recover a new one that is way better.

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

Last edited by a1b2c3d4e5; 08/19/05 11:17 AM.

WH (after 1 year legal seperation) B: 09/1976 M: 06/1997 Legally Seperated: 07/2004 Wife moved back in 08/21/2005 vacilating between withdrawal and conflict
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 580
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 580
Despite the fact that you have a clever sense of humor (and yes, I couldn't help but chuckle when I clicked that link), your rudeness truly amazes me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I don't see your logic about basically feeling free to treat "strangers" as rudely as you wish and that not being any sort of reflection on how you treat others close to you. Using that logic, would it be safe to say that you if you treat strangers in the store or anywhere out in public with complete rudeness and insensitivity that it would not show that you are basically a rude and arrogant person?

I certainly would not want to be close to a person that regularly treats others, even if they are strangers, with disrespect and rudeness. I feel that would tell me a great deal about what that person would be like in a relationship and what kind of person they are in general.

I have tried to be reach out to you because I see a hurting person and not just a "cheater" as maybe some others have. I realize that often people who come across as arrogant and opinionated are just using that as a mask to hide who they really are because they are afraid of being vulnerable. And being that I know LostHusband pretty well, I can assure you that he only desires to help you.

As LostHusband's wife, I can tell you that he has excellent communication skills. In fact, he has some of the best communication skills I have ever seen in a man. He does, however, hold people accountable for their words - he does with me as well. The funny thing is, a lot of people that are that way could never live up to the advice they give others in their own lives, but that is not the case with LostHusband. He holds himself to a higher standard than he holds to anyone else, and is continually looking inward to see where he has character flaws and needs improvement. The fact is, he puts me to shame. Many a disagreement has ended with me being humbled because HE has truly humbled himself and taken responsibility for his actions and wrong thinking while I am still sitting there brooding, feeling defensive. Most of our disagreements end in me crying tears of love and gratitude.

LostHusband is an amazing man, and he could look in that mirror and feel complete peace with who he is. I hope he orders it, because he deserves the blessing of getting to see a truly wonderful person staring back at him - and knowing it is himself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


26 years old
2 DD's, 3 and 6
Divorced after XWH's A
MARRIED to LostHusband 7/23/05!!
3 step DD's, 15, 13, 10
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5


WH (after 1 year legal seperation) B: 09/1976 M: 06/1997 Legally Seperated: 07/2004 Wife moved back in 08/21/2005 vacilating between withdrawal and conflict
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,023
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,023
Love ya, Faithhope...
from an old, old lady. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by Trix; 08/19/05 12:35 PM.

Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
MB Weekend March 2003
2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 580
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 580
Sure, it is an online forum. However, people on online forums are still REAL people.

I have made some life long friends online, including a minister's wife who recently sent me a wedding gift and years ago sent me money for a breast pump after having my second child because my ex wouldn't get me one.

Recently, a young MBer was in danger of basically becoming homeless due to his WW's careless actions. There was an out pouring of people trying to help this "online stranger", even people offering for him to stay in their home. Why? Because most people on this forum truly care about each other, as PEOPLE, not just some anonymous typist on the other side of the computer.

If I were you I would take a second look at your last statement. Being rude and arrogant on an anonymous forum got you the same results being rude and arrogant in "real life" would have. People got offended and frustrated, bore down on you and then wiped their hands of you. Only a few people have taken the time to continue to try and converse with you. Sure, you can do pretty much whatever you want. But the question is WHY?

People here want to help. Maybe you could give us the courtesy of limiting your personal insults.


26 years old
2 DD's, 3 and 6
Divorced after XWH's A
MARRIED to LostHusband 7/23/05!!
3 step DD's, 15, 13, 10
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 580
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 580
Hey Trix, I've noticed we've been crossing paths on this thread, and a couple others in the recent past. Are we gluttons for punishment or what? LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

And hey girl, you sure look good for being so "old"!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


26 years old
2 DD's, 3 and 6
Divorced after XWH's A
MARRIED to LostHusband 7/23/05!!
3 step DD's, 15, 13, 10
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,023
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,023
Thanks faith...you are doing a great job here with thoughtful, well written posts.


Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
MB Weekend March 2003
2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
Trix #1451395 08/19/05 12:50 PM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
I’ve long admired one of those saying that say “Character is how you act when no one is watching” or in this case when you have no emotional ties to the people you’re dealing with. I would submit that it isn’t something you can always turn on and off as you’ve suggested.

I believe that it’s impossible to practice being arrogant, rude, and offensive to some people and that not bleeding into the important relationships in your life. I, personally, see how I interact with anyone as having a direct correlation on how I’ll interact with my wife. For example, if I spend time cussing with the boys around the water cooler, as much as I don’t want to cuss around my wife, eventually it’ll slip and that’s usually in a time of stress. So what’s the solution?

1. Is it to accept cussing as an acceptable means of communication with my wife?
2. Is it to try simply not cuss around my wife, but still cuss around all others?
3. Is it to see that this is unacceptable to me and remove it from all my interactions?

In my humble opinion, only one of these options has a remote, and yes I say remote chance of working and that is option 3. In doing so I’ve identified a character flaw and I’m working on that flaw throughout my life which in turn will have a positive impact on my relationship with my wife. You can insert just about any character flaw into that formula and the results will be similar. That’s not to say that there won’t be times of relapse in behaviors, but it does get you on the progressive road to better communication. Now if you think that arrogance, rudeness, and offensiveness are positive character traits then this is a mute point.

Yes, I admit that I probably didn’t point out these issues in my earlier posts in the most positive manner, however was truly only trying to provide you with feedback and an opportunity for growth. That you choose to meet any opposition with defensiveness and insults, is your choice. Again, I would question how much of that seeps into your dealing with your wife.

If you truly wish to explore the possibilities of creating a better marriage, then there is work to be done with open mindedness, honesty, and willingness. If you wish to engage in playground games, heck I can do that as well, but truly I’m more interested helping you help yourself.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
Everyone!!

""Despite the fact that you have a clever sense of humor (and yes, I couldn't help but chuckle when I clicked that link), your rudeness truly amazes me!""

I would not call A1 rude, but maybe defensive...and I think he may have reason to be. We all have different styles of communication. Let's try to listen to the meaning of his posts and not hear the little jabs he feels he must include.

We must remember A1 makes $250K a year, drives around Laguna Beach in his hot sports car, and although he is 40lbs overweight, he KNOWS his stuff don't stink, i.e. 21 year old hottie. Today he has to do his conference calls with Best Buy, Good Guys, and the other stores that he name dropped. We know that this A type personality is short with his lackeys and his inferiors so we must cut him some slack.

Could this guy be Coach in disguise?? Wouldn't that be the ***ts! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

EDITED: To put on that little SoCal smiley face.

Last edited by krusht; 08/19/05 01:37 PM.

CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 580
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 580
a1b2,
Have you noticed that you have an amazing knack for alienating those who are trying to care for you? Yes, care.

One thing I have learned in life is that loving, caring behavior is not always telling someone what they want to hear, it is telling the truth as best you see it.

We may be "just" a bunch of online nobodies to you, but we care about the people who come here for help, or we wouldn't be spending time here.

Maybe you should really take a look at this thread. Read the whole thing over again and try to see patterns in how you interact with people. Therein may lie some clues to help you better understand yourself. Understanding yourself will help you understand your relationship with your wife.

You may think you have no need for such soul-searching, but I beg to differ.

Let's look at this woman that you just hurt deeply. Not your wife, your ex-girlfriend. You got into a relationship with her even though you were still in some sense, tied to your wife (at least legally, and obviously emotionally too). You may have THOUGHT that you were totally done with your wife, although if so, I don't understand why a divorce was not already in the works. You didn't know yourself well enough to know that if your wife came crawling back, you'd dump this girl on her a$$, however gently you may have done it, it always hurts to fall. You broke the many promises you made to her and hurt both her and yourself along the way. Why? Because you didn't know yourself. If you did know you'd react that way, then shame on you for knowingly putting that girl in a position to get terribly hurt.

If you ask me, that is at least one area that shows wrong-doing and is one sign that indicates the need for some soul-searching and better knowledge of oneself.

PS- Thanks Trix! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


26 years old
2 DD's, 3 and 6
Divorced after XWH's A
MARRIED to LostHusband 7/23/05!!
3 step DD's, 15, 13, 10
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,710
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,710
a1,

Who are you? You said that you couldn't be the *real* you around your W, but you could w/the OW. You mentioned several things in your last post to me, but I got pretty confused if these were things that she said you did or that you really did?

As far as communication style, before you go all half-cocked & blow up at people who are trying to help you, please consider what they're saying for a minute. I suspect you're of the mindset that you say what's on your mind regardless if it hurts someone's feelings or not. And being you don't have to see them again if you choose, then you won't put things tactfully in order to spare someone's feelings. I used to tell my H that he had no couth (is that even spelled right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />). Has your W ever told you that?

It could very well be that you feel on the defensive all the time on here b/c of what everyone's been saying to you. I'm asking you to put down your guard for a little bit (I've been seeing it come out) & really be open to what others have to say.

I'm going to repeat to you cause I think you need to hear it -- You've tried things your way, they didn't work. Now how about opening yourself up to other options? You said you're pretty open about things, then please show it.

And like I said, I've seen it in the last few posts. I just want to remind you that the only way to change things in your life, is to start w/YOU. If you don't want a repeat of your old M, then you need to change some things about yourself. I suspect you have been, but there's always room for improvement. Isn't that what you said?

Let's start w/posting her EN's again. Just hers this time.


RBW (me) FWH lostboyz
Married for 16 years
DDay on 10/10/03
Reconciliation on 2/8/04
Son 17, Twin son & daughter 16
4 years of a strong recovery
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
We didn't hide it with anyone (except spouse).
If there was nothing wrong with it, why did you hide it from your spouse(s)?

Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 112
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 112
Not to jump on the bandwagon (once somebody is called out, it always seems to take on a life of its own). I, too, have speculated on the "Coach" thing. (for those unknowing it was recently a very popular thread which was apparently an elaborate fake story purposely delivered with titillation to perhaps seek attention or a writer developing a fiction story – still unconfirmed). The one step forward, one step back approach with a slowly evolving story-line looks familiar. I never saw Coach do this; but, it's a great way to get attention - the big footing around other threads with obnoxious "help" in order to perhaps draw attention to his own thread and enhance his "popularity".

On the other hand, it may be a reach for even the 50+ year old Coach to portray the immaturity displayed by a1b2. He's 28/29 and his thought processes reminds me of a 19 year old at college trying to find his way in the world. Only he's got money, a big time job, responsibilities and perceived prestige. I actually feel so sorry for him and that’s why I encouraged him to post and keep posting. I still have some hope he may get it.

If he is real, he is a small town boy that has abandoned his small town roots, his (as others elsewhere say) cult-like religion, and perhaps his family to live in the big city. Though he has abandoned his past and his God, he thinks he's made it. He believes he's successful and secure. He’s overcome his past and operating at a higher level than those around him (especially here for some reason). The religion of "a1b2", is paying off for him. In spite of this, he still lives in his own fantasy world. A narcissistic salesperson with the power to manipulate those around him to do, say and act as he wants sans his wife. He's in a world where he views others as objects that serve him, his needs, his happiness and his fulfillment. I would likely guess he believes his success comes from his ability at work to "sell" others as opposed to his ability to serve others. He smiles and glad hands his customers but despises and/or ridicules them behind their backs. His relationship with his wife reeks of immaturity. His letters though written with adult words and great prose remind me of my feelings when I got hurt/dumped in high school. He has little to no experience with women and what it means to be a man...as he is barely one himself. All these problems and he balks at looking inward (though he fakes it from time to time). Instead he hides himself on the internet, from site to site, trying on differing persona’s, engaging in meaningless arguments, applying his apparent sharp mind to deflect, avoid, and disregard any affronts to the religion of himself. He seeks out multiple counselors and therapists whom he believes he is superior to. At best he is unaware of his seeming narcosis, maybe he thinks he is seeking proverbial wisdom but really the entire time he is merely abusing and exploiting others good will and time.

If you are who you say you are come here to ask questions and listen. Chew on the advice, digest it before you respond. Act, don’t react. You do have a tremendous amount of growing up to do.

All and all you mostly appear lost. So lost your story has become unbelievable. Many here would love to help you find your way but you apparently don't see the need to grow up. But yet you're here. Why? The people here know more about life and marriage than anyone I have meet, known or talked to elsewhere. Your wife is coming back to you and you are going to need to man up. When you got married you made a vow to God, it’s only convenient and perhaps somewhat understandable how you don’t believe in Him now. God didn’t promise you happiness, but He did give you the greatest gift of all, a Wife. You owe it to yourself to find your own happiness and fulfillment with her and I applaud you for taking this first leap of faith and bringing her back into your home. Like I said before, it’s going to be an arduous journey, but worth it. Are you mature enough or man enough to make it work? I don’t know – it doesn’t appear so.

Now I find myself here to, continuing to feed into your egocentric hostility, inviting you to continue here, appreciating your apparent progress and offering words of encouragement along with deserved 2 x 4’s. I wish I could believe you were actually progressing, but I fear not. Not really. More likely I think that you are playing a game with us, to YOUR amusement only. I am not upset with you, more disappointed in you. No more for me. Enjoy "your" thread. I valued the help I received here on MB and will continue to dedicate my time and efforts to those that may actually value my help. I'm done with you and I doubt very, very much that you really care.


Me-BH 42 WW - 37 EA/PA Jan-June 2005 Dday April 15, 2005 NC-June 5, 2005 Recovery -so far so good
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
Act,

In the words of A1...""KILLER POST"!!!

k


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 21
E
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
E
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 21
a1--you used to be Mormon? I knew you sounded like family. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I was a devout Latter-Day Saint until about five years ago. I've been an atheist ever since.

When were you disfellowshipped? I'm not being judgemental, I've been there.

and let me guess why your wife left... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 140 guests, and 97 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5