whisp,

I have to agree a little with bob here - sometimes you still do alot of blaming on your husband - albeit - it's getting better and better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Your h's addictions made a huge impact on your marriage, leading you guys to the state of the marriage pre-your A....but you had so many other options other than an A - you may not have seen them at the time...but they have always been there and you just needed the strength you have now back then to put your foot down, make those changes happen. Anything he contributed to the marriage has nothing to do with your affair - it's a seperate act. It may have helped you get into the main frame to justify your actions...but it has nothing to do WITH your affair.

I think Bob just wants to make sure you KNOW that and don't place your affair on him and his addictions...they are huge problems, but they are unrelated to your affair.

(((HUGS)))

You are doing great btw <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't believe I have ever seen Bob say that a BS is in any way entitled to bad behavior, only that it is completely unrelated to the decision to have an affair. Sure, the BS should face their bad behavior, but the WS must clean up their side of the street regardless of the actions of the BS. A WS is 100% responsible for the affair.


I would just point out that we are probably ALL biased here, especially when it comes to seeing our own crap. But that is really beside the point and doesn't answer Bob's points. I wish you the best with your H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've been reading this board for some time without posting. You all have helped me so much. I can't thank you enough! I have not posted yet because my situation doesn't exactly mirror any that have been discussed, but that doesn't mean the information givin here is all wrong for me. It has been totally right on the money, and I appreciate Dr Harley for his good work and insight.

Anyway, I decided to post to you, Whisper, because I think that I can give you some insight as to what your husband is going through. I may be off base with some of the things I'm going to say, and for that, I will apologize in advance. I think that you can take what I have to say, turn it around in your mind, and gain some insight to what your husband is going through.

So, without making you want to beat me over the head for not "just saying it now!!", I'll begin... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Your husband, like myself at one time, is addicted to online games. This is not something that YOU can pull out from under him. He HAS to make up his mind that the time he spends on that game IS a waste of his valuable time and he can find something else, like spending time with you, that would give him much more satisfaction.

Whisper, I'm going to tell you what it took my husband a year and a half to pull out of me... I didn't think he loved me enough to pay attention to me and love me the way I wanted to be loved, so I looked somewhere else to find that need. An Online game, as silly as this may sound, provided me with just that. I had "internet" friends who fed my ego because I was an awesome player. I know how ridiculus this sounds, but it was a way for me to feel needed (helping clan members level and giving high level weapons, etc...)

What your husband needs is for you to make him feel the way those online games and fellow gamers make him feel. He feels needed. He feels appreciated. He feels a strong comrodery with his fellow gamers that you are not providing him with.

I know you are trying very hard to show your husband that you love him and want to be his wife and live a wonderful life together, but you are missing an important EN of his. Think on that.

I'd also like to let you in on something my daughter told me one day. She said that it takes 2 weeks of repeated activity to develop a habit, and it takes a minimum of 45 days to break a habit.

With that said, I think if you talk gently with your H about how you feel about this, he will see what it is doing to you. Ask him what he needs from you. I don't think he's told you all his EN's. Find out what they are and meet them. I promise you that what ever the EN/EN's are, if they are met then he will leave the gaming world.

I did and I was bad off. I'm ashamed of how I let myself go during that time. I'm ashamed of how I treated my husband during that time. I was also in my 3rd round of major depression. Maybe your husband is walking the same path I was.

Anyway, I didn't want this to get so long, but I felt an overwhelming need to post to you tonight. This is my first post here at MB forums. I hope that what I have said has given you some insight into what your husband may be feeling, and I certainly hope that I didn't insult you by suggesting that you have not fully helped your husband reveal his core EN's.

Do take care and believe in yourself and your H.

GivingItMyAll

Dorry - Can I tell you something funny? I agree with every word you said ... word for word! The one thing I want to point out is that I don't blame my H (and never will) for my A. That's a decision I made on my own. (period) And, I also agree that I could've chosen a million other options, but I chose to have an A. For that, I (and my H) will be scarred for life. Those were the consequences of my very poor decision, indeed. That's why I've been so confused w/ what you & Bob have been saying lately. In fact, I was so troubled by Bob's comments that I asked my H last night if I've ever said anything or acted in any way that made him feel like I blamed him for my A or if I seem like I was entitled to it somehow. His response was an emphatic "no." He said he knows how sorry I am about what I've done and knows that if I could do things over, he knows I would never choose the same path. With everything said, do I believe that my H and I BOTH contributed to the downfall of our M? Absolutely! And, btw - "downfall" doesn't mean A, if that helps. OK, I think we've beaten on that poor horse enough. *whimper* As always, I appreciate your guidance and support ... and your happy smiley's. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> What's important now is that we're back and making progress again.

ML - Couldn't agree w/ you more, either. I'm starting to wonder if I'm relaying what I'm really thinking? All this writing stuff may not be the best way to convey my true thoughts. Things that make you go hmmm ...

GivingIt - I want to give your post its due respect, so I'll respond later tonight when I have more time. But, I want to let you know I did read it and am so glad and honored that you've chosen to post to me as your 1st post.

Will chat more later ...