Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
Hey me again...

So, I have reread some of my posts and boy am I completely doing the opposite of what I said I would do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />! Darn, darn...

It is just so hard not to say yes to him when he asks me to go to a movie or hang...it is hard to say no when we have such nice time together <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />....

Oh boy...I said I would do a 180, I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />...and I certainly did not do that this weekend...
Well, this friday I am going to a gettogether so I am busy that day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...but on some level I agreed to go out with him on Sunday (I don't even know how I committed myself to it, darn again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />...)

You know, this is hard...but do baby steps count <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />? I mean, I did not ask him to come over and watch the movies...I did suggest the movie on Monday at 7pm, and I said 'give me a call if you are interested'. He was busy till 8, called me then (I let the machine get it) and he did say I'm sorry I did not call you earlier...He called again 15 minutes later, I did not pick up again...Then I called him later and he again said sorry, and I said don't worry about it (all care free)...and then he said sorry again in the car, and 'I hope you were not waiting for me', and I said, 'oh no, I was working <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />' (again I said it all up beat...it did not bother me that he did not call...)...

So, I think this is good, even though it is small progress...

Do you think I am kidding myself? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Honestly???

Daisy

Last edited by white_daisy; 09/27/05 08:03 PM.

Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
H
hrt1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
I know, it's already Wednesday! I've been pretty busy this week.
hrt1 is just short for hurt one. No biggie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
What movie did you guys go see?
Where do you live? You made a reference to snow and I was just wondering what poooooooor place has snow already. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I live in Colorado and can say I'm not looking forward to the first snow. I kind of like spring and fall a lot better than winter. It's so ugly here during the winter months. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I have a dog, which I absolutely LOVE and ADORE. She has been everything to me for the last 10 years. We live in a new developmentand all the disgusting mice decided to make our house their home, so I got the kitten to hopefully take care of the problem. I HATE, HATE, HATE mice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> The kitten is pretty cute though. REALLY lovable. My dog and the kitten sleep together at night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
H
hrt1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
It is so easy to do that when you still love someone. I find myself doing the same thing as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
I guess the question you should be asking yourself is "If he tells me next week that he wants a D or need some space to think, how will I handle that?"
It sounds like you have set some lines within yourself and are sticking to them though. Ie.... not returning his calls, making yourself COMPLETELY available to him. You are moving on without him, but also letting him know that you would like to be with him, but you don't NEED him to continue living.
Some would disagree with you and me, but I think baby steps are the only way some people can do this, including me. I know I couldn't just turn it off, cut him out without knowing DEEP in my heart that it was completely my choice and I knew that it was the best thing for me.
Some day you may wake up and not think about him, or WANT to think about him. Or, you could wake up and know that you are willing to do anything to save your relationship.
Everyone is different, some make a clean cut, others need time and baby steps. It's whatever works for you.
If I've learned nothing else during the last two months, I've learned that everyone has an opinion, but ultimately, it is YOU that has to make the choice and LIVE with that.
I don't know if I have made any sense or helped, I hope I have. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
hrt1,

I hope you cat does turn into a mouser! The cat I lost was all about hunting, my neighbors loved her!!

I am in Calgary, Canada. It is actually not too bad right now. It gets cold in the night, so if there is any rain during the day, itu snows overnight. But the weather here can be quite crazy since it can get up to 70 and be really nice during the day even if it is cold at night... Nevertheless, I am not looking forward to winter (30 below is no fun!)

I had a cockerspaniel some years back and I would love to have one again sometimes... I still love dogs, but I have turned to a cat lover (I use to be a cat tolerator)

You are right, at the end it is up to me what I do...

I think baby steps is really the way for me (at least right now)...however, if he said I don't want to see you anymore, NC, etc, it would not crush me...he crushed me 4 months ago, there are no repeats!

Today I feel a bit angry and am really not in any mood to talk to him! I just feel mad. I look at what he is doing and I think "this is what you left me for?" I mean he left to chase his own dreams and live his own life (his words) and I really don't see anything so amazing happening....I should not say this...He has the right to live his own life....

How are things with you....are you and your boyfriend talking??? How is that going....

Best,
Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
H
hrt1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
I hope so too. I've had two other cats before I got my dog. I just hope I don't have to see those disgusting mice in my home again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Oh boy, I'll bet it gets FREEZING there. I can't say I have been there during the winter. I don't really want to either. I've heard about tires freezing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
Being mad is definately a better feeling than feeling like you are flat out on your back. I know exactly what you mean by not seeing anything amazing that he just HAD to do. My boyfriend was the same way when we split at the beginning of our relationship. I just couldn't get what he had to leave me for. But only after I told him I wasn't going to waste my time on him anymore and that I needed to live my life too. THEN he decided the life he was living wasn't so great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
It's funny how something that was devistating makes us stronger and aware of what the other person is capable of. I do know that my boyfriend/fiancee/whatever <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> will NOT, NOT NOT NOT get another chance. He messed up and royally, he will not get that chance again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
How is your work week going?

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
hrt1,

Quote
I've had two other cats before I got my dog. I just hope I don't have to see those disgusting mice in my home again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />!

I can so relate!!! I came home many times and found guts and all, discasting stuff <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />...

Quote
But only after I told him I wasn't going to waste my time on him anymore and that I needed to live my life too. THEN he decided the life he was living wasn't so great.

Good for you!

I don't think I would see the same response...My H left and did say he needed time to himself, figure out what he needed, etc...I tried to be understanding but I when he first left I wanted to work on the M and I would ask him if he wanted to...on our anniversiry he said NO, but then said he would when he saw the pain on my face...then 3 months later...kept insisting he needed space...I then said I would not speak to him for a couple of weeks...then when I did call and I asked him if he would still see MC that I was ready to work on it now...he said yes, then changed his mind less then 2 weeks later when he was in CA...THat is when I said, fine...I basically replied to his email and said "we did not have a good M and I wanted to live seperate lives"...I was just so tired of it all...and I said it...but of caurse I still want to work on it...Now I think I am really ready (I was not before, too much pain)...

Anyway, so now we are not talking about working anything out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...My friend says that I am now actually giving him the space he wanted....

I guess I feel like it is over since no M/R talk is happening...and I don't intent to bring it up again...no way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />!

It is up to him! If I am not worth for him to come to me if he wants to be with me in a M, then I am better of without him .......so now I just need to see how long before the point of no return and I move on with my life.....

Actually, my work week is going well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> thanks for asking.

I had a good day, finally I finished something that has been sitting on my desk for a while. I am really happy about it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Now, I got more stuff that set here so I will tackle that now....

I am sorry for the long posts...I never thought of myself as a chatter box...I guess I was wrong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />....

Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
H
hrt1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
I haven't seen anything yet. My poor dog had a HUGE accident last night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Usually we would keep the door to our room open and my dog would sleep in the hallway right outside the door. Now that we have the kitten we shut the door because that darn cat wont let us sleep. My dog will usually whine if she needs out. Last night she must have whined, but I didn't hear her because the door was shut. I'm sure she held it until it hurt, but I just let her down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I just feel awful. I cleaned it up before my fiancee woke up. He would have killed me and the dog if he saw it. He is REALLY anal about his house. This is the first NEW house he has owned and is pretty uptight about it and everything in it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
I know you have probably mentioned it, but how long have you guys been separated? From what it sounds like, from other posts, he needed space. Which you have given him, but he is slowly seeing you for the wonderful person you are. Give it a little while longer before bringing up your M/R. I would give it a few more weeks, be true to yourself, let him see the person you are, will become and WANT to become. And then bring up the subject of going to MC or what his thoughts are about working things out. TAKE IT SLOW. Guys can be pretty SLOOOOOWWWWW at seeing things that are good for them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Most of all, keep in mind, you are WORTH the very best!!!!!!!
It's always great to see a huge task clearned off your desk. It makes the rest of the world seem in balance again.
Don't feel bad about writing long posts. I LOVE hearing from you. It makes me feel good that someone is actually willing to unload on me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Keep posting!!!!!!!

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
hrt1,
Cats can be quite "in your face" when you try to sleep...I myself am a light sleeper and I got to give them the boot every now and then <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />....They are very happy to see me in the morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

We have been seperated since May 8th. Till about late Aug, I kept talking about the M/R, then around the 23 of Aug I got the email and I just had it!

So, since late Aug we have had no R/M talk...that is really not very long at all....but long if you are in the middle of it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The thing is that after I send him that email saying basically FINE!, we did not see each other for 2 weeks and then he invited me to a movie and when we met in a bookstore, I could really tell he was happy to see me. He was really happy to see me, just like in the very begining of our R. I did not expect it and I planned to act all no big deal, just a movie, etc, and I kept that up and I think he was a bit surprised how easy going I was... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, it showed me that he really wanted me in his life....I wonder if he thought that I would never talk to him again....it seemed that way to me....

I will give it time....in the mean time I am doing things for me, really enjoying some things <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />....He did not call yesterday and neither did I...I will not call tonight either...I'll wait for him to call...if he does not so be it.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I had a really good day last night, after I got the project of my hands at work...I felt so good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />...I got IC this morning and I feel good about going there....since one of the issues we discussed last time was work....I really like the IC, a chance to have human contact and say whatever is on my mind...It is so freeing!!

Hope your work is going well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />...

Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
H
hrt1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
The kitten is so cute though. I kind of let him do what he wants. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
It's easy for people to talk when they are on the outside looking in, but it's completely different when you are smack in the middle of things.
It sounds like you are really being good to yourself. And THAT is the most important thing. It also sounds like your H needed some time to clear his head and is beginning to realize that he not only needs you in his life, but wants you as well. I would continue what you have been doing, letting him "have his space". By not calling, being available, running after him, you are showing him a side that he probably forgot or never knew existed.
What things have you been doing? I can't say there is anything that I have picked up to fill some of my time. Right now I am just taking it day by day.
I have IC tomorrow. I'm excited, but nervous as well.

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
Hey,
I have started making my own jewellry...the bead shops are a lot of fun to be in....they have many different kinds of beads and stones...I make some necklaces for my friends and a bracelet for my MIL...I am planning on making something for my mom for christmas....I made some nice stuff for myself, it is a nice treat....

My mom bought me a sawing machine in April and I made some curtains...now I got more curtains to do in my bedroom...I actually already made some but now I don't like the color ...anyway, now I can do what I want don't need to consult with H so it is more fun to pick some fabrics....it is all up to me....

I also go hiking more and get together with people...I never really did, was kind of a loner but now I am enjoying being around people....I don't over do it...I like to have some time for myself....

My IC session went well...I feel as though I am making progress...he agrees that small steps is a good way to go...he believes that by making small steps the changes I make in my life are likely to be longer lasting.....big changes are hard to stick to! I agree, I tried making big changes and fell on my face, so now slowly forward....

I told IC that there really was nothing my H could do to hurt me as much as he did when he left.....now I thought about it in my car and I realized that if H told me today that he met another women, that would hurt, a lot....probably not as much as when he left but close.....
Well, if he says that, I am going dark, NO Contact what so ever....but for some reason I figure he does not have anyone since he spend 4 evenings hanging out with me over the weekend....

Anyway,
Enjoy today....it is such a nice fall day...I am going to be baking this evening and then I am going to BBQ and make quatamaly(?) and watch ALIAS....a little nice cozy 'party' for myself....

Daisy

Last edited by white_daisy; 09/29/05 02:36 PM.

Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
hrt1,

I have had some good days earlier this week but these last 2 days have been sad...


Yesterday was a bit hard. I did not call H and he did not call me on W and Th. Then Friday he called me at work (after calling at home)...we chatted....he was telling me about the last 2 night how he and his roommate went over to a pub and have been trying out different whiskey and scotch...

Today I talk to him and I asked him what he is doing this evening and he said he is going to get thoroughly drunk <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. A fried of his from work DJs a party out of town in a bar to which he invites like 180 people. He has 4 buses that pick up everyone...so the idea is get hammered and then the bus will take you home... (now I wonder if he will hook up with someone...is that not what it is for as well...dam this hurts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />)

the thing is that they way he said it about getting thoroghly drunk, he was throwing it in my face...trying to get a reaction out of me...WHY? So I don't drink, does that make me a bad person??...darn!

This makes me so sad...you cannot imagine...tears were running down my face after I spoke to him and I am still crying now...Why does it bother me? Should we not have fun in life? Am I like an old shrew?


Tomorrow we were going to see a movie as H said he is always up for a movie but he will see (he will probably have a hang over <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) ...
Yesterday he was telling me that he was not sure if he could go to the movies since he says he does not have enough cash (he bought some music equipment...) ....he said the thing about having no money like 3 times...I had nothing to add...it is not my concern(I certainly don't feel bad for him - he has enough for scotch after all and now this party)....

Now he tells me that his former professor wants him to paint his deck...so he says, "I will have some money that I can blow this weekend" ---- who is this person


I get so mad when I think about this stuff....He is living in a basement with 3 roommates...has one room....he has never rented an apartment by himself...he always has roommates....and he is not even striving to have anything more....So, he just is content to work from paycheck to paycheck and IF he finds he does not have enough for a movie - he'll go paint someone's deck!!!???

Lately I am only seeing a person that I did not fall in love with... I fell in love with a man that I believed had a rough life and overcame so much and was trying to achieve something in life, someone who wanted a family (he asked me to marry him and spoke of children)...someone who did not drink (not even coffee or soda) ... this person is gone!!
It makes me cry just to think about it...there is really so little left of the person I fell in love with...

I remember our conversations sometimes would come to carriers etc...and he would say to me at times...'why is just working to make ends meat not enough, you do it and then you have time to yourself to do what you want, no pressure at work...you are happy..." I really did not believe that is all he wanted (wants)! I am starting to realize it really is all he wants! His idea is to just have fun and be happy today, he does not think about the future...he said that to me 2 months back "I don't give a dam about future, I care about today...I am all about being happy today..."...


We will never be together again... we want different things from life.... I don't care about money as such, I was always fine with him working (not continuing school) but I guess I thought he could do better then a dishwasher, I thought he could work at some office or whatever .... I am not saying a dishwasher is a bad job...someone has to do it...so what I am getting at is wanting also more when you do get home.... thinking about the future...wanting to help your partner and not think 'anything I do for her will be a sacrifice to my happiness so I'll do nothing!'...etc...

I am mad at myself that I married this person...this just makes me cry.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Last night he also, starts telling me how he was with this Indian friend last night and the guy was telling him about arrange marriages (he will be getting married soon) and my H is telling me 'boy they are so old fashion and they have so many rules'...... I really did not even want to discuss this! I mean, who is he to sound critical of a marriage system when he left a M and never really did try to work on it!! I hate that he and his bubble can still get to me.....

The thing that also bothers me is that other people have said to me things that have the underlining message 'he is a looser, you are better off'.... but I keep defending him to them and I say 'he has the right to do what he wants and find his own happiness'...etc.... I still see something in him that was there when we met and I know he is a good person but I am starting to think they may be right... a looser might be too strong... but that his wants and dreams are just no where near mine.... I should just move on....

I guess what I am realizing is that if I met him today, and if I hurt him talking like this and his interests and what he is doing and ia into and how he spends his time, I would not be interested in him at all…I certainly would not fall in love with him…I probably would not even want him as a friend….That saddens me…. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

One of the things that attracted me to him was that we discussed books that we read and I thought he liked to read different things …. As time has gone on he has never read a book that I bought for him as long as I know him…he always made promises but he never read anything. And it is not like I bought him something he would not like, I bough him books that he said to me he would like to read, but he never read them. Before he left he spend 400 dollars on books (in one go) and I think he spend maybe a half hour glancing at them… (he told me he has read nothing in the 5 months)

Now I think it was more for collection than anything else…it looks good when you have Aristotle on your bookshelf <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />… He is like a kid, got to have it, but stops ‘playing’ with it soon after….that is how it was with the X-box which he now sold…..played with it for less then a month but really had to have it!… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I think I am loosing respect for him…and it bothers me…I was suppose to love him for the rest of my life… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Why does this hurt again...

Daisy

Last edited by white_daisy; 10/01/05 07:40 PM.

Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 420
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 420
Hey!! Jumping in here------->> with both feet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have you considered a vacuum sealer and or freezing food? I usually try to make more than we need for a meal and then freeze/seal it, so on the days I do not feel like cooking, I still have something healthy we can have.

And, there is a way of cooking for the whole month on one day that is called something like,"Cook for a day, eat for a month". Something like that. She has you make things that have a lot of the same ingredients and you just have to cook/chop/mince them once. I do this with hamburger sometimes. I will cook up a big batch and then make a ton of spaghetti sauce and refried beans-- VOILA-- I have a few nights of meals all made up at once. If you are going to have to cook something, it does not really make more work to make a bit more.

And the vacuum sealer saves tons of money. You can buy in bulk, or things that are on sale, and then divide things into smaller portions that are for one person. I seal almost everything--makes things last so much longer and eliminates freezer burn. I love that thing-- probably one of the BEST investments I ever made.

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
H
hrt1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
How are you doing today? It sounds like you have been on a real roller coaster.
It also sounds like your H is taking you for a RIDE.
Don't beat yourself up about the mistakes in your past. We ALL make choices we regret. We also all know people that we thought we knew, but one day we realize they aren't the person we thought they were AT ALL.
Please let me know how you are doing. I'm sorry this is so short, it's just been really busy here at work today. If I get a little bit more time later on, I'll try to respond back with a longer post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
Hi ht1,
My weekend was good...I took a jewellry class on Saturday and learned to make a nice piece...I made another one when I got home and am very happy about it...My conversation with H on Saturday was hard...I don't like hearing that he is going out to drink (till 3am)...is that such a great way to spend time...I guess I just don't understand that need...

The thing is that we went to the movies on Sunday (with one of his roommates) and afterwards we went to get some food, and so I asked H what was Sat. night like? He took 45 minutes to tell me what a drag it was, he was board, the people were stupid, just dum kids, it was all about getting drunk and getting down (yap)...he said he ended up at the bar drinking by himself...he apperantly had 10 drinks (so he has no money hah?) Anyway. This is how he always is. He wants to go and hang and try to have a good time, but he always ends up feeling like he does not belong...yet he does not learn or he does not want to accept it...and just keeps looking for the same type of amuzement, even though he is never happy...or so it seems (he always criticises the whole scene)...

I dropped them off and then called him and asked him if he would like to come to a concert with me on M. He agreed. Then I woke up at 4am, there was someone behind my bedroom door and a knock. It was my H. I was so tired (I went to sleep at 12) that I was just kind of dazed...He said he was at the Denny's down the street from me and was really tired and thought he just come over and sleep here...I said ok...I did not know how to react and what to say...my brain was not working really....and yes it was nice to have him sleeping next to me....

Anyway, now I spoke to him...somewhere in the middle of the conversation he asked me to put his CD's in a cover, to take care of them...he lend them to me last week...he really cares about them...I had not realized they were lying around...anyway, it kind of made me think that he had no problem of stating his bounderies over silly CDs, yet I could not do that over the coming over at 4am, scaring me (of course if someone came to kill me they would not knock on my door), but still....

So, now I feel like I got myself in a pickle! What do I do? I am just asking myself. I really don't know...This just cannot go on like this....

I spoke to my friend and she said I should tell him he cannot just come over uninvited...

Don't know...got to think on all this...

Enjoy.

Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
H
hrt1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
Daisy,
The more you talk about making jewelry, the funner it sounds. Hm, maybe I could pick that up as a hobby. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I am actually into the scrap booking and making cards. I have stamps and accessories coming out my ears. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
It kind of sounds like your H is trying to figure out who he is and what he wants out of life. Has he ever gone to IC?
I would have been scared out of my mind if someone did that to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I agree with your friend, you need to set some lines with the 4 o'clock visits. He is definitely crossing a line into using and taking advantage of you in that area. If he wants to share your bed, he needs to come home or make a commitment. I know, that is so much easier said than done. I went through the same thing with my, then, boyfriend. It is not only disrespectful to you, but to what you are trying to accomplish with your relationship. I hope you don't take offense to what I said.
How has your week been? It has been really busy here at work. This is the first time I have had any time to think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
Hi hrt1,
I don't take offense. I just wish it was easy to do! Darn...

I had a nice conversation with my friend...it is good to have someone willing to talk to me about this and we talk every other day and it is quite helpful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />....I invited H to come to a Jazz performance with me on Monday and he agreed..I enjoyed it and we had a nice time together, got pie afterwards <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />...and just had a good time talking...we laughed...it was like good old days...
Then tuesday comes along and whala a 180 by H and I am back to dealing with a moody and totally unpleasant individual...I cannot take his moodiness anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />.... You know when you are in a committed relationship it is give and take and so you are willing to make some sacrafices ... but as is, I am not in a R so why should I put up with crap when I get nothing solid in return? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

H came over to my work last night to pick up some CDs...he was unpleasant and basically not comunicative on any reasonable level (this is a person who tells me I am unsocial! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) Had nothing to say, set in the chair and just looked at me...I tried to make some conversation, told him about a play I am arranging to go see with our friends...so I asked him what day would work for him and I showed him the program...he is like whatever day, it does not matter - no interest really...I ask about work he has nothing to say...then I wait for him to say something and he finally asks me how long I have been here and how long I am still planing to stay...turns out he wants a ride <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />...I said 1/2 hour...he sits impatiantly for 1 minute while I try to make conversation...told him about a movie I bought that it finally came in the mail...he is like "i am tired, I can't watch it tonight, some other time' all grumpy...Hey! who invited him??!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
I said nothing to that...so he says he will split...I said ok...and he was out of there...Nice. really nice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I talked to my friend and she just said - you know, he does not even get it that you are in a way different spot that you were just 2 months ago..he still thinks you are just sitting there waiting by the phone...

She is right! He does not get it... She is worried that his remarks about not having money (he told me the details on Monday) mean that he wants money from me, and she worries that eventually he will not hide behind statements...but actually demand money from me! I cannot see him doing that again...but he did do that when he left <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />!

So, now I have been thinking about that moodiness of his... He is never going to change...he really believes when he feels like that he is intitled to feel that way and needs to make ZERO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> effort to get along and communicate with anyone... What world is he living in? I wish I knew if he is like that with his boss...I mean how long can you be so unpleasant before they fire you?

Ahhh, I am tired today... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I want to feel good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />.. so I am going to go work on my jewellry... I have no plans to talk to him and frankly I don't even want to see him for some time... Before he showed up in my office I was going to ask him to a piano concert but now, forget it...I'll go alone...at least I will not have to deal with him...

I hope you are doing well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />...sorry about the long posts...

Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
H
hrt1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
Daisy,
Dont feel bad about your posts. I am just glad you have a place you can talk about what is going on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Men! Sometimes they have PMS worse than a woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Once again, I agree with your friend. He still doesn't get it that you are going to move on without him. As fun as he may seem and it also may seem like he is wanting to work it out sometimes, I would step WAY, WAY back for a little while. MAKE him understand that you aren't the same person you were 2 months ago. By going out with him and inviting him to things, he things you are waiting by the phone and that he can do whatever and whenever he wants. I guarantee not very many women would put up with the moodiness and disrespect. Let him find that out.
I know it is so much easier for me to say this because I am not in the same position you are in. I can give you advice and my opinion, but ultimately, it is you that has to live in your shoes. Do what you feel is the best for YOU. If this is what you feel like is best for you right now, go for it. If you feel like you need some space from him and the situation, TAKE that space. Take care of YOU. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
hrt,
You are right!
I just did not see it, since sometimes we just don't see somethings that is so obvious when we are right in the middle of it. Yes, by inviting him and going out with him he things I am 'waiting by the phone'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />..I'll do less of that... for me, because I cannot take that 180 change anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />...I really don't see why I should put up with it when we are not even in a R...and frankly as much as he says it is his depression I just don't believe it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />...I was there when he had his depression and he did not always give no effort to communicate..at the beginning of the R. He had difficult days but he TRIED! ...as time went on he just tried less and less with me and now has completely convinced himself that he does not need to TRY at all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />...ok, fine, enjoy then, but I don't need to be here and take it...

It is hard to do, but luckyly I got some project to do this weekend and it will take all my time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, so I am not going to be available for him, and I am going to thanksgiving dinner this sunday (canadian - it seems way to early to me) and then I have a day of on Monday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> so, I'll just find something to do and maybe see a movie, and then it will be Tuesday again and he will not want to see me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />...so I can get through this week...I am going to try, really try not to see him for some time....he needs to get it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Thanks hrt!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
{{{{{hrt}}}}}}}}

Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
hrt1,
I feel a bid down today...well actually it is since last night...

I spend the evening cleaning my house...it was nice to be done and have it all in order...

Somewhere around 10 the whole thing hit me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...I was at IC earlier and it was the first time in over a month that I cried there again... I was just saddened by my situation and it was brought on by the 'drama' over the weekend...

I was telling my IC the events, H coming over in the middle of the night on Sunday, us hanging out on Monday and having such a nice time, and then the 180 on Tuesday...

I cried as I told him that I keep thinking how it is not fair (I know, kind of silly, but I cannot help it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />).... I am here for H whenever he feels like, I am a reasonable person and when he chooses to talk to me I am pleasant..I don't shut him out...I was understanding when he came over on Sunday night and I was understanding when he came by work on Tuesday and I treated him with respect even though he was completely disrespectful and rude... I cannot expect the same from him...I cannot stop by at any time...not even during reasonable hours <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />! No, way... There is always a 50-50 chance I get the cold sholder! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I don't treat him like that...

Anyway, it just made me sad and tears ran down my face....it was painful to realize how much he still has the ability to hurt me... IC said that it was ok, and we came to the conclusion that although it still hurts and all, it is not destroying me as it was before... Yet, I really don't like the drama...in some sense by coming over he acted like we had an R yet he insists all he wants is friendship... and then when he does not feel like talking he is out of there....and now I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride (a much smaller one - but still)....

I have not spoken to him since Tuesday...he did not call and I did not either...I don't have much to say...and I don't want to hear about what he is doing anyway...
Besides, he was working those days and he has gotten to when he works he is tired and talking to me is too much to handle.... I am here to fill in his days when he is not busy... Should I be counting my lucky starts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />....

I am waiting for this afternoon...I'll have some work then that will take all my time for the next 3 days....I don't want to think about H....

Enjoy......
Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
H
hrt1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 92
Daisy,
How are you doing? I'm sorry it's taken so long to answer back. It has been sooooo busy here at work.
I am leaving on a vacation in a few weeks and have to make a step by step of everything I do so the other girl can do my job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
How are things going with you and your H? How was your weekend?
I didn't do much other than sleep. My body is finally FORCING me to catch up on all the sleep I've lost over the last few months. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Keep me posted.

Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 27 guests, and 40 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans
71,736 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5