Contact Continues---
1) She still has OM's cell phone with her.
2) She is still talking to him when ever he calls.
3) She is still seeing him.
4) She paid another months rent on her apartment.
5) Has made no effort to go no contact, or protect the family what so ever.
Only informed him of how close he is to going to jail by stalking the family home.
And this surprises you, Dazed? Remember...you are not nor have you been in recovery!! So, these are the types of things that do happen when a wife is still a WW. All a part of the game, unfortunately.
OM now tells her that he is going to put me in jail and is setting traps if I come over to his place.
Lol. This is funny. This guy is one saucer short of a full place setting.
Peach is right about her being in over her head. Exactly right...
She is still stringing along OM. I seen a text message of his asking her to "please don't hurt me again"...
God only knows what she told him, for him to reply with that statement.
So what, Dazed? Please stop getting caught up in this. That relationship cannot last. It is now at the stage where she is trying to find ways to make it better. She cant! She just doesnt fully know that yet. This thing isnt going to work out. But does that mean it will be fully over today? Probably not. This thing will take as long as it takes. Until it is fully over though, you will continue to see this bizarre behavior.
After everything OM has done, she still thinks of him as an option for happiness... I just can't believe it...
Yes you can Dazed. You know it is all fog and stupidness. Her head hasnt been pulled out yet! She is still trying to make something so very wrong...right. She cant. And she will realize that if you just stay calm and she works her way through it. I am not saying be a doormat. I have a few things I will suggest in a minute that will help. But you shouldnt lower the boom on her either. Or end the marriage yet. You have to be steady here. Consistent. But also defend boundaries.
She still talks about him like he is her savior.
She can talk about him like he is the president of the U.S...that doesnt make him so! Please do not get caught up in her babble. You know it aint true. So dont react like it is!
She bought the book "confusing love with obsession". I thought this was great so she could realize that does not have real love for her as a person. Now I think she is only reading the damn thing to see if she can fix him...
She made the comment to me last week while reading the book; "hey dazed". Do you think he ex-wife made him the way he is. The book says that it is there childhood that does that to them but he had a great family and childhood. I think he was only damaged by his ex-wife."
Right then I knew she was looking for ways to justify his insanity and look for ways to fix him.
Which can be found on page 187 of the WS Handbook. it's all typical Dazed!!
She tells me that she told him that he was treating her like his ex-wife treated him. So, right there says. 1) She is still talking to him daily. 2) She is trying to fix there relationship, not ours...
Their relationship cant be fixed Dazed. He is a mess. He is scary. He cant get around that.
This all makes me sick... She thinks my love is not real and his is....
And??
She said just this morning... Dazed, when will it become clear to me? When will I know?
What if I choose to not be here?
Dazed...LISTEN TO WHAT SHE ASKED YOU? Isnt she asking you "Dazed, when will the fog clear? When will I see reality again?" Shoot...even in her own weird, WS way...she even knows this is all babble. You need to see that as well.
She made huge love withdrawls from me this week end... It was the worst week end yet.... The things she said to me was so bad that I got physically sick once.
It seems like she is just trying to break my heart so I will push her away.
Which is found on page 56 of the WS Handbook. It is why they almost never try to divorce first. they want the BS to do it. They want the easy way out. They want the BS to make the decision. They know what they are doing is wrong, but they feel powerless to do the right thing...or to leave fully. You knwo this Dazed. So again...dont be a part of her mess!
I think she believes if I tell her off and push her away she will have no guilt about destroying our family and breaking of my heart.
Yes, she does. All WS's do. So dont allow that, okay?
There are so many levels of wrong here I just get sick thinking about it...
How can OP live with themselves for what they do?
This OM has......
I just can't ever imagine telling another mans wife--
I love you...
You belong to me now...
Leave you kid and husband.
Your husband should die...
Demand she leave her family....
Never talk to your husband again...
Never sleep in the bed you and your husband did...
Never let your husband touch you...
I will love you forever
I will kill myself if you are not with me
We are soulmates and ment to be together forever
I will love your daughter and be her best friend
You are a murder for having an abortion in highschool
Your husband is a murder
You are nothing but a cheat... Because of you I left my wife, even though we were not dating yet... I just knew you were my soul mate..
You are nothing but a liar..
I only act this way for your own good...
I only did that for your own good...
You can't think on your own and I must do all the thinking for you....
You better be out of your family home by such and such time or I will never see you again and you will have missed you only chance to be happy...
You will only cheat again if you stay with your husband because he don't know how to love you like I can.
I will treat you like a real woman in bed... Not like you rapist husband...
etc...etc....etc.....etc...
Sorry, I am not an OP. Not sure what goes on in their morally bankrupt minds! Does it really matter Dazed? you are the better man. Clearly!
I am just so hurt by all of this right now... This week end took a lot out of me.... After everything that this OM has done to her and she still thinks he is a choice... I just can't believe it....
And somehow cocaine addicts keep desiring their fix...even as it kills them. You know the deal here Dazed. I know you are hurt. This stuff hurts! But please remained focused on the truth. You are the sane one there.
It seemed she was so close to taking the steps towards recovery but his constant stalking that she can't say know to pulls her back in... She listens to him tell her why she wont be happy with me and will with him then back up on the fence she goes.
Sooooooooo...what is your plan to combat the enemy? He stalks...and you do...??? Maybe get that order now against him? Look, POJA is for you and your wife...NOT you and your WW! Got it? So, she might get mad if you get that protective order. So, she might even leave again. So what? Dazed, she is still gone in many ways. In some, she has coem back to you and is now fence sitting. But she is being pulled back over by the OM. And she will be pulled over without either you pulling back or you hitting the enemy hard. You are pulling with your great Plan A. But I still say that protecting her from him will go a long way toward recovering her. Look at how nasty the OM has been about it and threatened by it.
Dazed...just do it. Not just as a protective measure (although that is a big reason!)...but also as a measure your wife can see and use to run for cover behind. Right now, she is under assault from OM...and has no protection. Give it to her. Give her a foxhole to jump-in.
I thought about what needs is he meeting that keeps the addiction so strong..
1) Companionship- She has not left the house with me since last MAY. Have not went out on a date by ourselves since 2004... OM and her have went on week end get aways all over the state in recent months.
I would say he is covering this atleast 95%
2) Converastion- This was completely his until I started plan A. He is stalking her and demanding she talk to him every free second of her life. She is now talking to me more than before D-Day but control freak is domintating this need as well... 95%
3) Sexual Fullfillment--- That one is easy... OM 100%
4) Affection--- This one is a toss up... She is taking this from both of us. Maybe even more my way on this... She said once he does not give her gifts and such like I do.
Mismoss as Lexxxy puts it. 50%-50%..
5) Admiration--- Another toss up... She tells me what OM says about her and how he just loves everything about her.
She takes this from both of us... 50%-50%
6) Domestic Support--- Kind of hard to say here. I now do all the house work... 100%... She is still living with me, so I guess I own this one. However, he did let her pick out appliances and paint and help him decorate his apartment. She was also disappointed that he did not help her with her apartment... I would say 90% me 10%OM
7) Financial Support- She said that OM never gives her money even when he said he would. She was very upset with him for making promises and not keeping them about taking care of her financially...
On the other hand, I give her small spending money for lunch or gas regularly. Also, I make much more money than OM does. He has a bad job history and make little money.
Also, I have paid to repair her car, have bought her clothes, gifts, food, etc. I would say 90% me 10% OM.
8) Honesty and Openess... OM has dominated this area for a long time. WW seen me as a liar and my word was crap because of not doing what I said I would for years. Recently I have greatly improved here while OM is now being caught up in lies like when he left his wife and why...
I would say 35% me 65%OM. Also, she has begun telling me about her feelings and what OM has done to her. Before she would tell me nothing. Also, OM is now angry all the time and does not want to ever hear my name again...
9) Family Committment--- She thought OM has a great family and mine is crap. She also thought DD12 would love OM. Lately OM's mommy called WW a horrible cheater. Also realizes that DD12 will have nothing to do with OM and don't approve of WW is she leaves for OM.
Then here is me, trying to save the family and taking care of DD12 while doing it.
I would say me 70% and OM 30%.
10) Attractive Spouse-- WW admitted that he is not very good looking and had to dress him up to look more like me.
I would say 95% Me and 5% OM.
That is where I think her emotional needs are being met.
I see improvement here. Please remember, concentrate on her top 3-5 needs. That will pay the biggest dividends!
This all just sucks..... Why wish the fog was gone and she could see the real truth....
We all do Dazed. It will happen. A good vent by you. Please protect your boundaries and continue to drive wedges between ehr and him. Do so with your meeting needs. Look, she is talking with you more...relying on you more. She want to give that up? Nope...it will be painful!
Also protect boundaries by doing what you can to keep OM away from her. Get the order against him. Continue to tell her that contact with him is not acceptable. Continue to apply pressure on that relationship.
We all want the war over with Dazed. It will end. You have fought a great fight. Just keep heart and finish this thing.
In His arms.