waiting, thanks for your very kind words to me on Hopethisworks thread yesterday. I was so anxious about his situation that I had somehow missed it.

I really like what BigKahuna is telling you.[great job, BigKahuna!] He is going through a pretty normal recovery and is taking all the right steps. As you can see in his case, his W is beginning to turn towards him. You are doing all the right things, waiting, and I think your W will also come around.

Thanks for the input Mel.

I find your words comforting and guiding. BigKahuna's info while painful for him to pen, was especially helpful to me.

I have come to realize that my marriage is over. Not in a sense that we can't recover, but the charade of what I thought we had is over. We have to build a new marriage and that is going to take 2. I am willing, she might be. I feel less anxious when she unexpectedly leaves the house like this morning,(she says she is going to check on her grandmother and get the car washed.) I know she is not meeting the OM because he is so far away, but my mind wonders at times if she is contacting via pay phone or calling card somewhere. I also wonder if she is taking a course online for real estate or something like that.

But you know what, I am less anxious because I am taking care of myself more and not clingy anymore. In fact I am resolved that if she leaves, she leaves. I can't do anything about it. She will feel the ultimate wrath. Sure it will be hard, but she will be the loser.

I hope and pray she comes to her senses and if she is making alternate plans, she realizes they are unneccasry.

MelodyLane, You and the rest of the friends at MB have been a true strength for me. I wish she would spend time on the sight and see what some other WS's have to say and see what other families are going through.

Steve Harley is great and his insight has been invaluable but the real help has come from you guys.

God bless you all

waiting, you are absolutely right that the old marriage is dead and gone. That is exactly the right attitude.

Do you think that she might be contacting the OM via the internet or a secret cell phone? You know, you can easily check what she does online and you can put a secret recorder in her car. Do you think something is going on? I know its not fun to do, but if you are having suspicions, I would strongly recommend you cover your back by investigating them.

Mel,

Thanks for your post. I have thought alot about below.



I don't think she is using the net or email to contact him via computer. The goober probably does not know how or even have one.

I do think the following is a possibility.

1) Using a secret cell phone that she has bought. (This is how she got caught before, I am not sure she would go down this path again)

2) Using a secret calling card from a pay phone. (Not likely because she knows so many people in town and so do I and it would be highly likely that someone would say, Hey I saw you wife at the pay phone the other day. I thought she had a cell phone)

3) Using a secret calling card from her parents home or office when they are not around. (Highly likely IMO, but she insists she is complying with NC)

4) Using the internet to text message him from her parents computer. (Highly likely IMO, he is on Verizon and I think you can do to their site like Cingular and type a short text message. Only problem with this and no way for him to respond to her, so it would be a one way conversation)

5) She could be using her parents computer (with their knowledge) for her backup plan for income. She once had a real estate license that we let lapse a couple of years ago. I found and email (after D-day) where she contact the state real estate commision about reinstatement. I quized her about this and she says she thought it would be a good idea to have it if we are going to by a rental vacation home. To me that is total bull crap. Why would I want to buy a vacation home with someone that is not sure they even want to be in a marriage. IMO this is very likely.

I have done some checking behind her with recorders etc... and have found nothing so far. The only thing I can't snoop on is her parents computer and I don't have access to the either.

The only way I can think of catching her in backup plans is via a remote keylogger that installs and runs in stealth. Something I would send to her email and hopefully she would open it from their computer. I really hate even thinking about that because I don't like being dishonest and even though I don't think her parents are encourageing her to stay in the marraige, I don't think I should snoop on their computer without their knowledge. To be honest I would not even know where to start if I choose to do so.

After saying all that I have said I have one final thing to mention on this post.

She told me yesterday that if she was not trying so hard and giving it her all she would already have gone to a horse show rather than respect what I am going through.

Hum, could be some truth to that I guess, but also, she could be just gutting it out through the holidays not unlike others that have posted here.

Also, she may be actually trying and I am just being paranoid. Who knows.

My other unusual situation is as follows. True my wife had an affair, totally wrong. But she also has another love that may be harder to overcome than the affair itself. Her love of horses and horse shows. I really think that if she thought she could no longer go to horse shows that she would almost ditch the marraige anyway. The easy thing would be to recover and then both of us go to shows, but the only problem with that is the OM would be there almost every time and NC would be impossible.

So I ask, people leave jobs, move from home towns, etc... to continue NC. Wouldn't it be insane on my part after all this to have her go back to the very spot that her 2 affairs started at. Same town, same events. 1st guy died, 2nd guy is still very much alive and kicking living with no exposure or shame in his little world.

Does anyone know of a similar situation? Am I worrying about something I should not at this point?

I know our marriage is over, so it has to start all over. Our 1st marriage almost made it 21 years and that is dead and was a charade the last few years.

Seeking guidance on any of the above issues.

Thanks WOL

BobPure had a similar situation. His squid was into karate and was a referee for the clubs. His marriage is doing just fine. I'm sure you have read his story. They are both very happy now.

I suggest that you get interested in her hobby, so that you have that in common.

Thanks believer, I will check out his post. I don't remember reading that.

Wife is acting goofy again. We actually have the house to ourselves tonight. Both sons are away from the house tonight and she is just interested in lying around and being almost silent.

This is the roller coaster everyone keeps talking about I am sure.

waiting, I think your question about horse shows is a good one to present to Steve Harley. Your marriage can't survive without ending contact. I don't believe BobPure's wife goes to events that the OM will attend. But this will be a good opportunity for SH to explore.

Thanks for explaining about her contact avenues. It sounds like you have done a good job of thinking this all through. And I do agree with you about putting spyware on her parents computer, that crosses a line I would not want to cross. I guess you have to keep your eyes peeled and hope that the truth comes out eventually if she is in contact.

Mel,

I think I will mention it to Steve when I have an opportunity. SH wants me to allow him to carry her down the road about the affair and its real impact on our marriage. At the moment he has not even talked about that to her, so the horse show thing is not even on the board as far as she in concerned on the counseling sessions. She does know though that it is going to be a huge issue at some point.

I am interested what he will say. SH is going to be gone after Tbursday until 12/1 so it will be a long 2 weeks.

We are all 4 on our way to church. I am praying for a spiritual breakthrough with W today. Thanks for everyones support this week.

WOL

We are supposed to do our LB reading to each other per Steve Harleys instruction today. She made reference to it on the way back from church and said she was not looking forward to it. To be honest, I am not either, but we must do it.

Hi Waiting,

Monday morning here in Oz. We did the second HNHN audio thing yesterday identifying each others important EN's. 4 hours it took. Have you considered the MB weekend? We are finding the audio series just so helpful to us. Love is blooming. We just had such a neat weekend.

Your wife is acting goofy - Yes. That's the roller coaster for sure.

My wife is now in the "How could I be so stupid?" and "What was I thinking?" stage right on schedule and has been a little depressed. But you know what - the depression is not as bad and doesn't last as long as it used to and like I said, we had a neat weekend.

Hang in there mate - especially if your wife is open to God (which she seems to be) a breakthrough coming your way.

Bigkahuna

Sunday evening here watching football and hanging a ceiling fan still. This fan has been a huge project. Nothing in the box matches the fan. Trying to figure it out without burning the house down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would love to have my wife do the audio HNHN or MB weekend. I hope we can make it to that. At the moment she is not receptive to even going on a Christian Womens Retreat such as Beth Moore. By the way thanks for the link to your church. I had to download and install Real Audio so I haven't listened to it yet. I plan on it though.

My wife got tot he "How could I be so stupid? and What was I thinking? and I am so glad I did not screw up my life? after the 1st A. She pretty much said it for the last 3 years, of course she says she didn't really feel that way, she was just "talking" herself into it since that is what everyone expected her to do. Horse crap talk in the fog. Pardon the horse pun.

She has shown a little window opening for God. Sunday school she was actually talkative, (the last 2 months she just would sit there). Church she did sing the songs and we went to lunch with our best friends who we exposed to 1st and had a very fun lunch. She has been gone all afternoon to a bridal shower so I really haven't had any alone time with her.

BK thanks for the inspiring words of confidence. I hope they hold true. It is cold, gray and raining in North Georgia today. How is the weather in Aussie land on my tommorow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mate, the weather here is superb. Late spring. 25°Centigrade. Just beautiful. The birds are singing and all's well with the world. And yes. I did have some SF last night.

Nice on both accounts. Have a great day. I hope to see your fine land someday. An interesting article today in the Atlanta paper. In the opinion section there was an article that said people in Australia are the happiest in the world followed by US. I hope this link works.

http://www.ajc.com/sunday/content/epaper/editions/sunday/issue_34670fa5017f51f60087.html

Hey guys. Oldest DS and I had to run an errand last night to town and came home and W ans youngest DS are watching a movie. The Wizard of Oz. What irony? It appears to be a foggy morning here today. Hopefully as the sun comes out some of it will lift.

Oldest DS told me yesterday that W told him this past she took his advice last week when she was having a bad day. He said he told her to think of good things and pull herself up by her boot straps and try to have a good attitude. She told him it worked some. Not bad advice from a 15 yr old.

Sorry about the messed up post earlier. I was using my phone and it must have crapped out on me.

WOL.

waiting for you to finish your sentence................<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mel,

Bump from my incomplete sentence. My phone must have messed up on my post. Thanks.

Well tonight was interesting. We completed our LB questionaire discussion. It took about and hour and she made it about halfway through it and broke down and cried and got mad. SH warned us about trying to not get emotional and just present the facts.

I did a pretty good job if I say so myself. I did not take anything to hard and she was totally destroyed by what I said and what she had to read to me. In fact she misunderstood one thing I said and totally bent it out or proportion.

Anyway, it (the excersise) must have been a LBter to her. She is angry and me, herself, sad, generally pissed off and now gone to bed in another room. I hope this does not turn into a permenant thing.

I really don't know what to do as I am following SH advice and it seems that both on the EN and LB exercise she was caused great distress.

What should I do. I told her that if we can't be honest with one another about issues without fear of the other one moving out to the other bedroom, then we will probably shut down. She said she understood, but she really did not care. Tonight she is not going to frustrate herself by sleeping in bed with me.

Don't know what to think about this, but at least I am not begging her or insisting she sleep in our bed.

I agree, don't beg. Let her alone. What set her off?

I am not sure. I think it was when she saw my bottom LB and EN where her top and visa versa. She also got upset when I said a major LB was Independent Behavior and what I said was my major LB.

I feel like she was thinking, this is hopeless, we will never get past this, etc...... I do think she is trying or she would not have gone through the exercise.

She also said she has been on the website a lot lately especially today and does not aggree with couples spending soooooo much time together. She says she would feel smothered. I don't understand because SH told her to not get ahead of him, but she is.

I think I know were SH is going, but she is not seeing the big picture IMO.

She also still does not see her A's as being the issue.