SC, would you have a problem with porn that is computer generated? Basically, would you have a problem with porn where no actors or actresses took their clothes off?

Just like there is a difference between watching football and playing football, or there is a difference between watching Nascar and driving a Nascar race car, or listening to a boring speech and giving a boring speech, there is a difference between LOOKING at porn and STARING in porn.

Next question.

Oh Gosh, I don't even know where to start on this one. I just want the original poster and those one this thread who see no harm in porn to know a little bit about what porn has done to my marriage.
My H had a porn habit before we were married. At that time it was Hustler and Penthouse and the occasional video, and I heard the same excuses, "It's no bid deal, I only do it every once in a while, it has nothing to do with you," etc.... I was very naive and thought that once we were married and sex was available to him any time, that the porn would stop. I was dead wrong. Less than 2 weeks after we were married I woke up at about 2 a.m. to find myself alone in the bed. I walked into the living room to find my H watching a porn video. I was devastated. This is when the real battle began.
At first, the hurt came from feeling inadequate, like I didn't satisfy him. Also, I have a very petite build and have always been small-busted, so I thought he was dissatisfied with my chest size. I tried to talk to him about it, to tell him how it made me feel, how much it hurt me, and he always said he would "never do it again." Well, he always did.
AFter a while, the next issue of hurt and betrayal came from the fact that no matter how many tears he saw my cry, no matter how often he say how much it hurt me, he would not give up the porn. Then it was the lying, constant lying, more than a decade of being lied to over and over again. Then the porn starting getting much more graphic and deviant, and the disgust came. How could he find this type of stuff a turn-on??? I cried, I begged, and I threatened. I begged him to go to counseling over and over again, but he would not go, and would not give up the porn, or even admit he had a problem.
Finally, he was caught using it at work, and guess what? WIthin an hour he had made a counseling appt. And that is the final part of the hurt. I was never important enough to go to counseling over it, but within and hour of his place of work discovering it, he was in the therapists chair.......
My H says he has not used it in 3 years. I still don;t think he understands the level of damage his addiction did to me. It robbed our marriage of intimacy completely. Anyone who tries to say there is not emotional involvement in using porn is dead wrong. My H would use these always-acccessible women as on emotional release when he was anrgy with me over any number of things, rather than put that emotional energy towards our marriage. It was easier for him to involve himself with them than to involve himself with me. His emotions were most definitely involved.
I tried everything I could, even resorting to doing things in bed that I was not at all comfortable with, in order to take away his excuses for the porn. All that did was cause more emotional damage to me. Now, I have had a short affair this summer, and our marriage is nano-seconds away from divorce. Can I blame my affair on the porn? Of course not, but it did a tremendouse amount of damage to me and my relationship with my H. I could go on, but I think you probably get the point. Those of you who thing porn is a "harmless habit" are very sadly mistaken.

What's the difference? Explain it to me. Seriously. Are YOU implying that you and your wife are ABOVE starring in porn? That you're somehow BETTER than the people who do?



No, I'm suggesting that porn allows you to treat real human beings as objects.



Yes.

What BreakingThread says is sad but true. She is talking about me and I cannot refute any of it. I was exposed to porn around the age of 10 or so. It was always there as I grew in to a man. It was always the easy way out. Why go through the aggrevation of dealing with a wife's issues when the porn never gives you a hassle?


The urge is still there at times, even though I hate it. Thankfully, I have developed ways to rationalize not to give in to the urges.


I hate to use the word "addiction", but at the very least it is a severe character flaw, or maybe a flaw in the thinking processe. It infilitrates every aspect of one's life.


And now, instead of dealing with this issue and other shortcomings I have had as a husband, we also have to deal with my wife's affair. And all of this may turn out to be too much for our marriage to survive through. As much as it pains me, I do know that her affair was at the very least indirectly associated with my porn use.


Regardless, I know in my mind that according to Christian tenents, her affair was no worse than my use of porn. No sin is weighed more heavily than another. I do admit that in my heart, my human emotions, I am still having trouble accepting that equivalency even though in my mind I know it to be true.

My recomendation is to stop using porn entirely. If you know in the darkest recesses of your mind that you cannot do that, get help. Porn may not destroy your life, but why take the chance that it will? Regardless, it is not a healthy activity for a married man, or for a single one for that matter.


I had a wonderful wife who wanted to be with me but I was too pre-occupied with my own concerns and too lazy to interact with her because I knew the porn was always available. Now I have a wife who doesn't know if she wants to be with me any more, doesn't know if she can love me again.

Hindsight is 20/20... and in my case there is no doubt in my mind what path I would take if I had it all to do over again.

Don't mess with that poison.

BT and DI,

Have either of you posted in the infidelity section of this forum? I ask because the story of Mr and Mrs Cookie (my husband and me) is unbelieveably similar to your story. Married 13 years. Two children. His porn use. My Affair. And we have been getting a lot of support and help from some very wise people in that section of the forum. About two months ago, I was sure my marriage would not survive. Now I have hope. My heart goes out to you both. I truely do know how you feel. And Damage Inc, you were very brave to write what you did. Give yourself a high-five!
--SC

AverageGuy is not arrogant, he is ignorant in regards to relationships and pornography. Many of the posts I've ready form him have led me to that conclusion.

He feels his marriage should be a model for all. He says, it's about give & take (compromise). I don't find his posts insightful or helpful in the least bit.

ignorant - Lacking education or knowledge. Showing or arising from a lack of education or knowledge. Unaware or uninformed.

I am curious what brought a "Happily married" guy "since 1993" with "3 kids" to a website such as this?

Hi everyone. My H and I are going through something very similar. My story is posted in "Living Together..." in the "Mens sexual behaviors", around the 5th or 6th page. If you could spare a moment, could some of you read through it. I really could use some advice and support. I'll add more details tomorrow after some of you get to read what I've written already. I would really like to talk to SC and BT. You ladies have been through what I am going through.

To BT, to the original poster, and to other women who do not like their men using porn: do not start doing things in bed to wean him away from porn. A guy's attitude "you either do this or I'll use porn" is simply away of him blackmailing you into doing things you don't want to do. Don't fall for it.

And moreover, it will NOT work.

The problem with your marriage and porn was not that he used porn, but that he did something that you did not approve of, and that he lied about it. He either should have respected your wishes and he should have stopped using it, or you should have accepted him and respective of his activities and be a supporting partner.

Yes, it is simple as that. One partner cannot continue to do things that the other partner is totally against. And the other partner cannot insist that the first partner do things her way without taking his feelings into consideration. It is toxic to the relationship.

If that is the case than your arguments that your dislike of porn because it exploits women, and that it treats women as sex objects, and that they are HUMAN BEINGS, etc. is out the window.

Admit it: you dislike porn because you want to be able to control your spouse, and you view porn as a threat to such control.

Averageguy, sorry but I have to say....of course any person with an inkling of intellegence can see that porn even if computer generated exploits, degrades and disrespects women simply because what it represents IS real women. Sure they may be computer images but they are in the form of women....What a lot of people fail to understand about the point of porn disrespecting women is that it is most definately not just about the 'actresses' .....it is about the messages and ideas that porn produces and sends about what real women are like,. How they behave (or should) how they look (or should) and what their true essence is....
People who choose to pollute their minds with this rubbish should not be suprised when they fail to have relationships of substance with real women.

Listen, there is this web site called marriagebuilders.com which talks about the needs of marriage partners. Read it sometimes. Sex is one of men's top needs. Affection is one of women's needs. Getting satisfaction with a fantasy medium such as film or magazines to satisfy guy's sexual needs is just as valid as a woman getting satisfaction from watching soap operas or romantic novels. Just as porn "objectifies" women as sex objects, so do soap operas "objectify" actors as emotional objects.

Actors get paid to be the subject of our fantasies. So what?

Wrong yet again Average. You must be going for a record. Porn is ugly for many reasons, just ONE of which is what it does to those "in the industry". The post above by "let me just say" is a good response. By the way, you gonna answer my question about why you and your wife don't want to star in your own porn flick?

I do not hold my marriage to be a model for all. As a matter of fact, I stated just the opposite: if the couple can agree that porn is OK, then use it, if not, then do not use it. I do not preach that my views are somehow superior to others. I do not think that banning porn is always the solution as some people.

If you don't find my post helpful, then do not read them. Other may find it useful, even if they disagree with it.

BTW, I welcome criticism of my point of view, but not a personal attack on me.

NEXT question? You still haven't answered the question I've asked you twice now: how would you feel if your wife were posing for the same type of porn you look at?

Never mind. I already know the answer. You'd feel "instinctually threatened" by that behavior, as you are wired to. It *is* the flip side of husbands looking at porn. You don't want to acknowledge that because that would actually force you to admit that your behavior isn't very loving or empathetic. And yes, I'm sure you didn't ask your wife's permission. Do your kids know you have that stuff around or on your computer? If so, did you ask their permission? Because if they are aware of your hobby, this affects them too.

It's interesting that I said, "Using porn has deeper implications for a man's emotional competence and availability." Average guy's response: "Men look at porn. Get over it."

"Get over it?" Regarding emotional competence and availability, you've demonstrated my point.

ManofGod -- Thanks for the heads-up on Average Guy. But I must disagree. I find him to be arrogant as well as ignorant. The term "Sexist Pig" also comes to mind, but I wouldn't want to be so disrespectful. Oops. Did I write that out loud?

ssp -- are you still around? Is any of this helping you?

--SC

ssp,
welcome, i personally dont look at porn.i think it is a waste of time.i equate it to women who read harliquine romance novels.but thats just my opinion.
keith

Ignorant: you do not know anything about me. You have no idea what my educational background is. All you can do is judge my posts. I welcome the criticism of my postings, but not attack on myself.

As far as other question: preventive maintenance. Just as with cars or annual physician visits. I want to be the best husband I can, and this forum helps me learn and discuss things so that I can achieve this goal.

AverageGuy,


This statement shows complete ignorance (Unaware or uninformed) of this website. Meeting each other's emotional needs is the key here, not letting HUBBY or WIFEY go out and get their emotional needs met through other means such as pornography or by themselves.

Because you have a limited knowledge of Pornography (in as how it ONLY affects you and your marriage), you speak ignorantly (lacking knowledge or education) of the subject by giving people your uneducated opinion.

I am not attacking you, I am merely pointing out the obvious that seems to elude you.