The pure evil that lives in a WS's heart leaves me mind boggled. Rarely do I find myself this disgusted.

Brokenbird - I doubt very much that God's will is chaos. God's will, I believe, is truth. Truth is the light. I'm afraid as long as you refuse to draw the line here she will continue to make you and your family a mockery. You've got to find the strength do take ACTION my friend.

I don't think I can help here.

I'll pray for you guys.

I'm on this trip to test if this relationship is solely based on sex or more. One of my shortcomings is that I tend to dwell on the what-ifs. We tried NC twice. Neither one of us (me or the OM) could go more than a few days, and frankly I didn't want to give him up. Isn't one of the premises of MB that NC has to be willing?

BTW, I forgot to mention, this trip is a compromise between me and the OM. He made me an offer of the permanent kind. I'm not a rebound for him. But I realized that neither was I wanting to leave my marriage without at least trying.

This trip gives me a chance to test how much of this relationship is fantasy. It is long-distance and mainly kept alive by phone calls, email, and chat. Not actually being around each other. I told 'bird at one point that I have this insane need to destroy everything so that we can start over with a firm foundation. I don't want to dwell on what-ifs, which I will without some closure. Bird's already told me what will go through his mind. I guess I have a hard time accepting that since it wasn't the case before (see his admission of voyeurism, which I have previously participated in). I know on some level I'm being vindictive and acting out, but I have gotten to the point where I don't care. I'm numb.

OM is not getting what he wants either, but he's willing to take what I will give. After this, he doesn't want me breaking his heart anymore either, so he's agreeing to NC too.

He has apologized to me and asked forgiveness. I am still more hurt by it than I thought I was and it's something I need to work on.

Faithful, can you please explain to me why I should respect a man who desired these things, encouraged them, wouldn't listen to me when I TOLD him plainly and explicitly how they made me feel and how I viewed marriage? Respect a man who encouraged sinful behavior? Or is it just because of his position as my husband? If he had been abusive in a physical manner, would you tell me the same?

I wouldn't call your so-called solution "ditsy and unconventional." I can think of much more appropriate ways to define a married woman flying off to rut like a pig with another man and it is anything but "ditsy." It is trashy, immoral and destructive. There is nothing positive about a married woman conducting herself like an alley cat in heat; nothing but a common who*e. It is destructive to your soul, your husband and your children.

You may have fooled yourself into thinking this is a good thing, but you have fooled no one else about your despicable, sleazy behavior.

I feel mostly sorry for your children. To have an unfit mother who does not know right from wrong is a great tragedy.

Soooo.. magpie....setting aside the fact that every justification and reason you have for this trip is pure unadulterated crap....

You are basically keeping your husband on a backburner while you test the waters with some other guy?

How horribly cruel and how incredibly selfish.

Have the backbone to divorce your husband and when you are free...THEN test out Mr. OM.

Whats the rush?

Magpie:

I just want to honestly personally thank you for posting here in the flesh.

I think reading your comments are actually EXTREMELY helpful to many (some?) people here. I liken it to being able to do an autopsy to determine the cause of death.

Everything you are saying and feeling with regards to your affair/behavior and rationalizations of such is a validation of what many Betrayed Spouses go through in trying to "process" this or try to "understand" what their Wayward Spouse was thinking when he/she did this. You are giving us a "view" from within. I at least can appreciate it. Many ofcourse won't understand why I am really posting this to you..and will probably think I am giving you validation for your actions....LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Just so there are no misunderstandings....I'm not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Rather than blast you for your "behavior", I will actually thank you again for being deathly "honest".

You see, I am of the school of thought that one is better off knowing the "truth" about these things. I imagine there are a number of people (both BS and WS) who can 100% understand the POV that you and your Hubby are coming from.

Your posts and responses to all are greatly appreciated (at least by me).

You are going to no doubt get blasted by many here (not suprisingly), but I hope you "stick it out" for a while and remain honest.

I don't expect to "change" your mind or "guilt" you into doing what is "right". You are a grown woman and can/WILL have to live with the consequences of your actions.

I'll be honest....I look at this more in a selfish way...I am learning alot here.

Thanks again.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Magpie -

The statistics are not in your favor. Less than 3% of affairs go on to be marriages, and of those that do, 75% fail.

Right now your husband is willing to do anything to save the marriage. That won't last either. Soon he will start resenting your affair. Then he will start hating himself for being willing to put up with all of this.

You are likely to end up alone, divorced with your 2 children. I feel so bad for you and your family.

My two cents worth. Brokenbird, if this arrogant adulteress actually goes to see if her relationship with that jerk is based “solely on sex,” (What a load of crap that is!) you need to let this woman go permanently. Call it Plan B if you want for the near term but don’t even try Plan A any longer. There’s no Plan A that will work with her. She’s too selfish for words.

Box up her belongings and have them waiting on the driveway when she gets back or ask her where they should be delivered. Change the locks on the doors, file for legal separation (if your state has such a thing) so you can get custody of the children, and then go dark. She deserves nothing else.

Letting go of the relationship is going to be painful but I cannot imagine it can possibly be any more hurtful than living with her AND you’ll begin to heal almost immediately without her pitiless presence hovering over you and the kids. Guess what? There are millions of good women out there who aren’t as cruel and heartless as this woman is. You’ll find someone to replace this caricature of a wicked witch without trying.

Someone posted above saying they were disgusted with this woman’s actions and words. That goes for me, in spades.

For the umpteenth time (i guess depending on who I am talking to),

here's what happened:
Yeah, I got pissed at my dh for something said or done and on a whim decided to take OM up on his final offer of a trip where we focus on just us if I wasn't going to join him permanently. I said "Fine, buy the ticket". I am NOT testing the waters, I AM returning to my dh if he will take me. I am NOT trying to justify or avoid blame. I KNOW that what I am doing is wrong, hurtful, sinful, etc. I just don't CARE enough to do so. Does ANYBODY here understand that??? Can you????

Intellectually I can totally agree with everyone who is flaming me. My heart just doesn't agree. There's a major disconnect and very little will to even try to change my course. About the only that has softened my heart towards my dh is that he is praying for me, constantly.

I can't see in here.

<flukeboy reaches over and turns on the Foghorn and the Justification Warning Lights>

Magpie - You must be so far from where you used to be. What a tragedy this is in the making. And so preventable too. Reconsider what you are about to do. The torture and anguish that will visit your husband AND YOUR CHILDREN is abusive by its very nature. There's still time to stop this train...

Galatians 6:8
The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

How very tragic for your children.

Oh no, I am not rewriting it. I might be overcompensating for hurts and wrongs done to me, but we have honestly had problems since just after our dd was born.

My dh is special for loving me through this, but like i said before, would you advocate respect for someone who abuses you? That's a harsh statement, but if what he did to me emotionally had come out physically, yeah, it would have been a lot easier to leave and have the support of everyone around me. But this was secret, done in the dark, and too shameful to tell anyone about.

I know two wrongs do not make a right and that I am hurting him terribly, but maybe all of you would be pleased to know that things here are going swimmingly (that's sarcasm BTW). I can't stop thinking about my DH and am trying to find a plane ticket that doesn't cost an arm-and-a-leg, and I've only been here one day.

That's priceless Flukeboy.

I'm curious of why you think that continuing your affair with another man is going to make no contact and working on your marriage easier.

Or are you seriously trying to see if you and the OM have a future? If you think you do, are you planning to leave your children with your husband?

So an adulterous affair is okay if it's not just sex?


Isn't one of the premises of marriage fidelity?


The OM has no place in your marriage or any decisions regarding it. If you choose do end your marriage do it without the crutch and excuse of an affair. YOU ARE A MARRIED WOMAN. What the ****** are you doing making compromises with another man?


Permanent is a big word for someone having an affair with a married woman (that's a permanent thing). I'm not sure either of you understand that definition.


F'ing another man = trying? I don't get it. Could you explain that?



It's fantasy. Do you think a few days with your affair partner while your husband takes care of the kids and is waiting at home for you to come back is anything but fantasy land?

Try this on for size:

Reality: Your husband moving on with his life without you. Your children knowing you ended their family with a horrible and distasteful affair. Your children shuffled back and forth between mom and dad. Another woman one day tucking your children in, soothing them, shopping with them, playing with them. Knowing forever that you left your husband for a dirty, sinful and disgusting affair. That is reality my dear.


Reread that. THAT is what you are gambling on... gambling your marriage and children on calls email and chat. Are they worth that little too you? Are YOU worth that little to yourself?


Closure won't come from sleeping with another man and continuing your adultry. More numbness will. You know what is right. You said yourself you are going to work on it. You're looking at counseling. Tired of being numb??? Kick yourself in the butt and get rid of the affair!!!


How generous of him. He'll take what a married woman is willing to give him. It doesn't matter if he agrees to NC. You must do it. You're married. Start acting like it.

FIM

Oink, Oink, Oink.

and Boo Hoo Hoo.

Sheesh.

Brokenbird - If you're reading this - I'd like to send you a private message or an email. Can you turn that on in your profile. Or not - certainly your choice.

-Fluke

[quote
It's not ditzy and unconventional. It's typical of people who are so wrapped up in themselves, that they'd rather go screw someone than stay home and work through their problems, like an adult. Try to look at this realistically, instead of playing the renegade to justify your behavior. There's nothing even slightly cute about this trip.
[/quote]
Actually, it's not about the sex for me. It's about someone willing to open up and show me genuine care. That's what the OM had over my DH.


No, not desert my kids to go screw this guy. I was done with the marriage in general. Tired of him not listening to me, not seeing how in trouble our marriage was, not doing the things he should have been doing, not only for me, but for our family. My kids don't know about the A, but we have told them that we are having trouble in our marriage. I was willing to let him have the kids because he's more able to provide for them. Not because I don't love them. One of the reasons I am not choosing the OM is because I don't want him to be the father-figure for my children. There are a lot of dynamics in our marriage and family that you guys are not aware of that also play into my decision-making (or lack thereof <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Nothing could have made me cancel the trip except an act of God. I didn't want to have to make that decision. And now that I am here, I am ready to go home.


Why don't we see what those are in a few days, shall we? 'Bird and I are both of a mind that this marriage is fixable. I just need to get in the frame of mind to want to try. It won't work if only one of us is putting in effort. Right?

I belive that PM's are not enabled here.

Lem

Budge.

Thanks Lem.

How utterly inconvenient for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />